I never thought I would see the day when what I am about to write would constitute as "good news" in my marital life.....but, it is. I felt so happy I called everyone, I almost got a bottle of champagne! I slept so soundly, and I feel like a million bucks today!
I received correspondence from H's L, through my L (yes, this is how immature we are now - that we have to pay several hundred dollars to speak to each other), that now H just wants to "explore the opportunity of moving the matter to settlement."
YAY!!!!!! NO TRIAL!
Sad it's taken this much time, torture, pain, animosity and MONEY to come back to what I originally asked H to do......
Just talk.
I suspect the change is due to a lot of things - kindness and softening of heart not anywhere on the list (time to stop deluding myself).
I think that H looked at the 39-page discovery, given as a matter of course, and frankly couldn't do it. He would have to bring forth too much, and I don't think he even has the paperwork on him to complete it (past tax forms, financial records). I think he finally realized that scrutiny, in court and a trial, would be 2-sided and unbiased....and he has a list from here to China on his bad behavior - which y'all know! Also, my L submitted paperwork for the trial, asking for more time - on the premise that "hey, OK, we'll do a trial if that's what y'all want....but it ain't gonna take 3 hours, it's gonna take TWO DAYS..." And, that costs H $.
In the end, I think he and his L concurred that it would just not be worth the $ in a cost-benefit analysis. I would pay L expenses of a moderately expensive L. H, on the other hand, solicited a very high-priced L, would pay that for the trial AND interim support for a prolonged trial, likely taking many months of next year. Even he's not that stupid.
Further, I think both L's have to protect their professional integrity....they see this judge regularly...H and I don't...it's in their best interest that they do everything possible to talk their clients down from wasting the time of a Judge, a court and $ of the state on something like this.
All in all, I am thrilled. I don't want a trial. Emotionally, I am past so much of this, that the opportunity to air H's dirty laundry in a trial did not outweigh the worthless effort to keep this whole matter in my life. I just want this done. I never thought I would say that, but I feel it with all my being. I am now beginning to feel the toxicity it has brought into my life, and I feel it oozing out of me, out of every pore, as it closes. I don't want revenge, to get even, or more than I am due. I just want to stand up for myself, and get what's due.
I want to feel gain again. I want the power of osmosis to work in my life. I want the bad to ooze out and the good to ooze in. I want peace, happiness, laughter, light, change. I want to see the good things in my life and run away from all this mess. I don't want loss anymore....in this whole experience I have lost nearly everything big in my life: I was ready to give up my parents to marry, I lost a home, security, money, humility, decency, my values tromped on, my safety and security.
I don't mind starting from scratch in many ways. Through lots of thought and turning to my faith, I have come to this conclusion. There are things in your life you were meant to experience, and NOTHING you did could have moved it from happening. Karma, Dharma - certain things were meant to happen. Now, you find out WHY. I was meant to experience the loss of everything I hold dear in life....to start anew, peddaling backwards in a way. But, the bright side is, I never knew how much those things meant to me, how much it means to work for them again, with a clean slate, and to see all the blessings in the absence of so much. How it's OK to start over, if it means that you got rid of the bad and are starting only with good.
Sounds like this news fits the category of wonderful for you, so we applaud. Of course, a glass of that champagne would have been nice right now.
Do not let go of the power of suggesting a trial. Now that they seem to want to avoid it, if he begins demanding more than fairness in mediation, stand up and repeat the word Trial several times. Then act as if you have lost your mind and repeat words such as "adultery" or "cheating on business taxes" or whatever feels good to say.
You will be fine. You know this. It is all part of a process that you should know does not end quickly. And BTW, it can on occasion jump back up and bite you just because. So the detachment you learn now may support you again down the road, if you know what I mean.
Always, I totally agree about these things that happen to us. When we're in the trows of it, it's hard to see that there's any good purpose for it all. But there is. In my case, it changed who I was for the better. I was drowning in life. I hated who I was. I went through hell and back with H and now I feel good about me. And you have gone through a similar transformation.
Are you happy about love lost? No. But did this turn of events impact yoru life positively? Yes.
About the trial, CONGRATS!! I think going to trial is a rather drastic step. IN fact, I think in NJ the courts STRONGLY encourage mediation before trial. It is just a waste of everybody's money and time.
I'm glad you feel the toxic fumes leaving you! That's great. Keep going, baby!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
