Glad you posted. I guess they get mad because we aren't following the script. LOL. Very simple when you think about it. OW will, but she doesn't know the whole story.
The emotional RC does takes it's toll. But one day, we will look back and 'understand'. And see that we did move thru someone else's crisis. No more, no less.
Mickey - I always read your thread, although I don't often post. I posted elsewhere today that I think one of the reasons they are so angry with us is that at some level they are not accessing, they still love us deeply. But in order to run away, and in most cases to have the new r [and to escape from dealing with their own emotional damage] they re-write history.
So they are in denial [MUCH more than a river]. I also think they are ashamed of how horribly they are behaving - a bit of them knows this. So they are a seething mass of conflict and involved [usually] with a complicated and needy person.
I am not blaming the OP [although at times I do!] but most people that get involved with a married person are hardly emotionally firing on all four cylinders are they? I mean since being on my own Ihave seen how easy it would be to de-stabilize someone else's mariage and get a relatively housetrained man. But there is simply no way that I would do this. It would be horrible, and in the end do no-one any good. So someone who is prepared to do this [and I don't buy the believing WAS lies] is pretty emotionally stupid and messed up. In fact the perfect partner for our WAS.
Yes, I know that some of them stay together and make some sort of go of it, but I wonder about teh quality of a relationship that is born out of deception and destruction. What they both have done to others they are capable of doing again, and each of them knows this.
in the meantime we sail along, looking elegant and paddling furiously underneath. These boards enable me to contine to sail along gracefully [I hope] because they represent a part of my furious paddling!!
I'm very glad you are feeling better. I do remember that yucky feeling I got in my stomache when I received the letter requesting a TRIAL date...just the whole thought of a trial for normal, law-abiding people is pretty scary. But as we've all said, you probably won't ever get there.
Hang tough, keep your demands high but reasonable, and enjoy the last veggies. I'm wanting to come to your house for dinner after reading that last post.
LIttle thread-jack, Angelica
Originally Posted By: angelica
I posted elsewhere today that I think one of the reasons they are so angry with us is that at some level they are not accessing, they still love us deeply. But in order to run away, and in most cases to have the new r [and to escape from dealing with their own emotional damage] they re-write history.
So they are in denial [MUCH more than a river]. I also think they are ashamed of how horribly they are behaving - a bit of them knows this. So they are a seething mass of conflict and involved [usually] with a complicated and needy person.
I am not blaming the OP [although at times I do!] but most people that get involved with a married person are hardly emotionally firing on all four cylinders are they?
For some reasons, this just really hit home, and rang true to me today. Although I've read it, and said it myself before, I think recent events and some little tiny bit of distance are causing it to really sink in. Thanks for posting so clearly.
Hugs to you all, and good going always, you got Mickey to start a thread.
Thank God for small sweetness and big decisions.....
I was up at night a lot this week....the cute insomniac horse that lives with us has his corral right behind my bedroom window, and he's up kicking all night long.
Good, in a way, b/c I woke up and stared at the moon, which was so bright in my room anyway. I realized what gorgeous skies we have here, with such little light and other pollution....so for the first time in my life, I saw the 'man on the moon' I saw his face so clearly, like a president on a coin, it was amazing.
I drove early to work, in the dark and saw the moon over the mesas and Shiprock where I live. It was so beautiful to see the desert bathed in moonlight. It was so beautiful to watch the sun rise with different colors on the horizon.
I had a field training and had to drive through the mountains and to a community near one of the most beautiful canyons in the area - Canyon de Chelley - a National Park. The mountains were beautiful - the roads windy and air pine scented...listening to Pink Floyd and watching the morning come to life.
After my training, I went to the Canyon to hike around (in a skirt and clogs - bad choice) and went to my favorite part - the Ruins. It was beautiful, to see it down below in a canyon so wide that families still farm in the canyon floor, and graze their sheep. Daily living right beside ancient ruins, all coexisting with grace and respect.
It's a sacred place for people here, so I said a prayer....for my life to start anew. For me to let go of pain and anger and sadness, and embrace all the good things ahead. For me to see that I deserve the best in life and that I can have it and give it as well. To live passionately and well. To never harm another, and always live by the values I was taught.
I made a decision.....that in 12 weeks, I will move from here. It has been a wonderous part of my life, magical in many ways, but it is slowly becoming toxic to live in the same place where life has fallen apart. I live and work in the same place as H, his multiple affairs were (and still are) all with people who are right in the same building. I walk into work and EVERYONE knows my story, it's like the brand. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I also feel that I have so much more I could give and need to have this heavy load away from me. I want change. I want to live again, fully. I want to be away from this mess. It's not running away, just being healthy.
I always thought I would leave after a D....a clean slate....but with new paperwork, and H wanting a trial (that I hope will not be granted) this is stretching into 2008, and I just can't stay for that. I am done letting this whole thing stop my life, and it's nobody's fault but mine. I want to move forward and put the whole D resolution on the back burner of life, the bottom of the pole. It deserves as much time and energy as it's worth in life - very little. I will move forward now, and other things will sort themselves out.
I feel good about all this. I really feel happy a lot of the time. I'm doing pretty dang good these days. It feels good to just let go, and for the first time, not want this at all. I find myself so preoccupied with my future and all that I want in it. I remember for so long not being able to see 2 days ahead into the future, and not being able to dream for myself. Now I feel a wall has been lifted and that's all I can see, and I want to step past this D so fast.
I hope this doesn't sound negative. I know so many folks here standing for their M, and I support and encourage that. I am in a different place now b/c I have to be, b/c I tried and it didn't work.....and it's been too long to feel sad and down about this anymore.
This is so beautiful, and you described what you saw with such detail and clarity, I can close my eyes and picture it. I love that part of the country, I love the big sky and being able to see forever.
Just like you can look out over that canyon and see so much, you can see into your future and know that it is wide open.
Okay, so first of all, you have come to this place where you're ready to move on, which at this point means move away. Good for you for knowing this. I know what you mean about people knowing... it's the same in my life.
You are in a good and peaceful place. Do you still have pain? of course. But you are good, overall.
I heard something on the radio a few weeks ago. It was something about happiness. This woman (can't remember who it was) was saying that one of the keys to happiness is finding 3 things each day to be thanful for. She said not to just say thing like your family, because that's a given. what she was saying are teh exact things that you do and that I now find myself doing... and that is finding beauty and appreciation in little things.
For you in the most recent post, it was the moon, the mountains, the Ruins... and quite frankly, you are alwyas filled with those little appreciations for life. You ahve no idea how much you have inspired me to start thinking that way. I find simple pleasures in little things... like watching a thunder storm out the window with my kids... or lighting a candle and smelling the warm fragrance. It is noticing those little things that make one feel more content in life.
You have all that. There is no doubt in my mind that you will live a happy, successful life. I believe you will end up in a great R one day. And even if you don't (doubtful), you will still be a fulfilled, beautiful person.
You are the best. I'm excited for you to start this new chapter. Your H is a fool for letting you go.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Following your threads as much as possible, and reading your posts to others, I don't think people can appreciate just how positive your post was. Your vision of the life around you, the lives you can impact, the life you want to live are all such powerful positive visions. Wouldn't it be great if every newcomer could just read an archive post on how to grow beyond the mlc drama, and reach your clear vision?
All that matters though is that you have. There is powerful spiritual grace guiding your journey and it has surely led you to a wonderful place. You make a great many people here jealous, but so happy for you.
Now tell us about the kind of place you plan to continue your journey in. You must have given some thought to some place you plan to spread your wings and some people who will be blessed with your spirit.
Lovely. Just like you, darling. I promise you, you will feel so much healing when you leave from that place. Take it from someone who did it a year ago. It's all in the perspective, isn't it? Your life is about to get bigger & more beautiful. You have new opportunities calling out for you. More happiness than you ever imagined. Love you lots, Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
