I just found out from my W's sister that their cousin's D6 (that would make her W's 2cnd cousin), who we have known to have had mild seizures and other psychoneurological difficulties since at least 2 years of age, has been recently diagnosed with NLD/NVLD (non-verbal learning disability) and ADHD.
The curious thing about this new fact coming to light is that NLD is very closely related to Asperger's Syndrome (AS). And there happens to be zero blood relations between this poor little girl, W's second cousin, and myself. Thus if one is so certain (like my WAW) about finding a hereditary link for my S6's AS, they need not look much further than W's own family. (Not to say that AS might not be in my family too, but if W was trying to pin S6's condition solely on me, she's sadly mistaken.)
If W persists in pushing me into getting screened (I am on a waiting list, and that takes time) I may lose my cool and tell her what for. So far, in recent weeks, she's eased off -- hmmmm, I wonder why.
But while you are frozen in amber by this relationship with this other person, I feel that you have lost your momentum and the drive to move forward, and I am leaving you behind. All I see is stagnation for you, pulled over on the shoulder of this road of life. All I see is repetition of old habits, old mistakes, including mistakes by you that echo those made by others in your family. That's the view I see in my rear view mirror. And I am so very sorry for you.
NoCodeBlues, You poured your heart and soul into this. I completely relate to this paragraph especially. That's pretty much how I feel about my H right now. And I feel really sorry for him, too.
NoCode I have a HFA (high functioning autistic) son. Only recently diagnosed. Maybe your wife does not realize that they still dont know what causes Autism spectrum disorders and that it is now at a rate of 1 in 150 children and 1 in 90 boys. What would be the point of getting screened. Work on your sons recovery, and learn everything you can about Autism/Aspergers. A great site is http://www.autismspeaks.org/
Joie, that's just it. For the sake of our family, we have to keep moving forward. For our children. For ourselves. For our extended families. For all our loved ones. Even for our spouses.
I feel now I am working for this marriage ONLY for the kids. If we keep going and work it out, I can only pray that my love, real love, comes back for H.
S6 was diagnosed about three years ago with AS. W has been very much proactive in finding as much information as posssible on this disorder. She practically considers herself an authority on the subject when she talks to me. And I will give full credit to my W for seeing to it that S6 got the OT and other therapy that has helped him adjust.
The problem is that I was skeptical at first when W presented this to me as a possibility. She had already explored and ruled out so many other possibilities to explain S6's behavioral issues -- SID, ADHD, etc. So when she began to explore Aspergers I was wondering whether this was just another unconfirmed hypothesis. By the time we got a definitive diagnosis, there was already some tension between W and myself concerning her layman "diagnosis".
And though I have since come around to recognizing S6's AS since the official diagnosis, W continues to think of me as being in full denial. That has been the foundation for the friction between W and I concerning our approach to raising our sons.
Our marital realtionship failed for several reasons, not the least of which is that I became severely depressed and began to emotionally withdraw, for a whole host of reasons, but then it becomes a question of the chicken and the egg -- which trigggered the other? The depression or the marital failure?
W has been attempting to link my emotional withdrawal to our son's AS. She is making the case that I have and am the source of S6's AS. She wants to believe that I have a trace of AS or HFA that caused me to callously neglect her needs. For someone who likes to think of herself as very studious and able to educate herself on any number of medically-related subjects, she displays an utter ignorance of clinical depression. She either totally discounts or chooses to be ignorant of the effects of severe depession and the side effects of anitdepressants on one's behaviors. No, she has seized upon Asperger's as the answer to my withdrawal. And it certainly could have had nothing to do to her own actions, could it?
So that is why W is urging me to be screened. She knows full well that noone knows for absolute certain whether there's a hereditary link to AS or not. W is just trying to rationalize blaming me for S6's condition, and at the same time trying to absolve herself from the failure of our marriage.
Now that we know that two children in the same family have very similar disorders, and they're related on W's mother's side of the family, it represents a pretty rare circumstance. More importantly, now the odds of someone on my side of the family also having the same or similar condition just got a lot slimmer.
Yes, lwb. And until (if) such time as they come to their senses, our spouses will not see it that way. My W chooses to see my moving forward as me merely being selfish -- her words.
That's like my H getting furious that I talked to OW's H, saying "How come you get to talk to him but I can't talk to her?" Um, yeah, because we didn't have sex.
On Sunday, I got a chance to talk to S6 while S2 was taking an afternoon nap. I set S6 down to do some of his homework while I began my own homework (reading assignment for my bible studies class). I know my W has been taking advantage of moments like this alone with S6 to shake him down for info on me and how I treat my S's. So, while I was careful not to use my son to pry out information about W's behaviors (that would be inappropriate and plain wrong, even if W may be doing the same), I did start asking S6 how he felt about the events going on in our lives. At first he gave a short little automatic reply typical of him, saying "fine." But surprisingly, he then backed up and elaborated further, correcting himself. He said, "Daddy, I don't like going back and forth between the house and the apartment. It's hard." I was quite surprised at the sudden change in tone of my six year old; his candor and earnestness was as strong as I had ever heard from him. He said, "I really like the apartment -- it's got a swimming pool. But I don't like having to go back and forth."
Not knowing what to say, I tried to commiserate, "Yes, I know, S6. It's not easy on any of us. I really wish we didn't have to live apart like this. I did not want this to happen."
S6: "Mommy says its because you two always fight. And she did not want your fighting and yelling to hurt my ears." Me: "Is that what Mommy has told you?" S6: "Yes, she knows that your arguments hurt my ears, so that's why you live elsewhere." Me: "Oh, Is that so? Well, your daddy did not want any of this to happen. It was not his idea. Mommy is just not happy anymore with Daddy, and that's the real reason Daddy has to live apart. Please don't ever think that I wanted any of this to happen." S6: "I know." Me: "Whatever happens, remember that your Daddy loves you and your little brother. Remember that Mommy loves you too."
Ok, my heart breaks for your son. And for you, being caught off guard, and then I would assume you got upset when your son reported what W had told him. I am so sorry. Your response sounds really good, I am proud of you. Are you planning on talking to W about it?
