Ok guys & gals, I got the books order....I cheated and got one on CD so I can listen after I go to bed....since I'm alone anyway. Might as well make good use of the time...right?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
ooo.. you gotta be careful applying something like that.
If you do something that you HATE... doing it again and again.. is probably going to make you hate it MORE. If on the other hand, you do something that is "neutral" to you.. and then you do it again and again... you'll probably find that you get comfortable with it, and "might" end up enjoying it after a while ;\)
First, you have to be at least "comfortable" with it, or you'll make things worse.
That's why I don't do things I hate doing. I hate having sex with emotionally cold men. I won't do it. It doesn't mean I hate the man. It means the experience royally sucks for me.
I used to think I hated sex. "I'm just not a sexual being, I guess," I used to say. That's a cop out. I didn't like feeling exposed, and raw and vulnerable. Those are very intense feelings, and I just couldn't handle them. And I have things that happened to me in my past (FOO stuff), that fostered that in me. It was far easier for me to say "I'm not a sexual being," than it EVER was or will be... facing myself.
But. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with my sex drive. Nothing. It's a highly functioning part of me, as a matter of fact.
Sandi is a highly sexual being. She feels it and she likes the feeling (at least that's what she said on another thread).
She doesn't have a sex drive problem. AT ALL.
But it's going to FEEL that way to her, until she can get clear on what the issues actually ARE, and develop a plan, with her H... to address them.
So... when I started out of my LDness... I had feelings of anger and rage and hurt... but it wasn't from sex. Sex just set it off.
Sooo.... yes, doing it again, and again, and again, even though I THOUGHT I hated it... even though it felt like I hated it... was the only to rewire my defense mechanisms/habitual responses and impulses. <-- Doing that is what helped me to start uncovering the REAL issues. Which had nothing to do with sex, really.
That may not be the way of it for everyone. I had a very, very, very smart shrink.
Yes, I have it on my computer where I ordered them straight from the website. I have to figure out how to get it on to the CD. I thought maybe my grandson could do it for me. Anyway, I do have those.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, it looks at though I am going to be able to make it to work today! I feel that the past few days have been anything but uneventful for me. I was physically down, but I certain was being emotionally fed some potient meds.
I got to feeling better enough to cook a simple little supper last night which surprised my H. My attitude was a lot more upbeat. Even though he did not say anything about it, he could not have helped but notice. He probably thought it was b/c I was feeling better physically. I offered to rub his back again with some medication (remember he has strained or pulled a musckle)but he said it was not necessary. I had done that the night before (don't know if I ever mentioned it or not, but it did not turn me off to touch him like that). That is not a big thing, but for me....well, sadly, I had gotten to the place I would not have even done that much for him. I hardly cared if he had any supper or if his back hurt. Mine hurt all the time, so I would have just thought, "Now you know how I feel".
Anyway, those were "baby" gestures but that is what my goal will be for a while is to make those PT.....even if it is just a hug or to rub his back. When I started to bed, I jokingly asked him if he wanted to "lay hands on my legs and pray over them" so I would be able to go back to work. Now this is the part I don't like.....just by the way he looked at me and quickly responded..."yeah"...(I should have been happy to know he still had some feelings for me, but instead.....that old yucky feeling of rejecting him came up from inside of me)however, I quenched it and leaned forward (he was sitting on the couch) and gave him a quick good-night kiss. That old "feeling" (whatever label would be properly applied) is the worst feeling in the world for a wife. But, I tried to apply the "do it anyway" principle. It was small....but at least I could do it instead of turn around in disgust and go to bed.
I was reading some post from Chrome, (the first of this last thread of his), where he told about how he tried to get his wife to sit by him and cuddle and she was on the computer and gave some flimsy excuse. Then he tried to say something else and that didn't work either. You see, I recognized his W immediately. He could not have said anything at that moment to have changed her mind! B/c of her attitude.....her mind set.....gosh, I don't know what to call it. It is almost like something comes up from the gut and you feel repelled (hope I'm using the right word). I know that hurts so badly for the LBS or the HD S. It hurts the other one too and that is what I hope can be accomplished here for some of us is to figure out how to overcome that. I have decided that I am not giving up. Just a couple of days ago, I was about ready to do that....but I know a lot of that was my physical discouragement.
The amazing thing about last night was that only hours before, I had been praying that I had not waited too long and done so much damage to my H that he would never have any feeling for me again. Therefore, I should have been happy to see that grin on his face as he looked up at me. Why or why did that old disgusted emotion have to rise up from somewhere deep within my soul and say, "HA! I'm still here, girl, you won't get rid of me that easily!"
My other small goal for the next few days is to read at least one chapter at day...at least one....out of all these books I have now. I need to read much more, but I am trying to do as Michelle says and just very small goals. It is my nature to make a mile long list of goals whereby I would be near perfect if I could accomplish any of them. So, I'm trying to resist doing that.
I did start the SSM book by Michelle last night and that is going to be the one I finish before going on to the others I have received. I have read two or three chapters from nearly all of them (anxious to see where it is headed)but haven't finished any.
If I get a minute or two throughout the day, I will check in to see if any of you have responded. Don't know if there is anything to say or not (lol), but you know I always appreciate your thoughts.
Have a good morning.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Sandi, That is great that you are feeling better! I like your plan of making small goals for yourself...that is very much what MWD advises to do. It's solid, practical adice for getting things moving in the right direction, and I know it's worked for me. Your new journey with your H reminds me of where I was when I first came to this board, and how lazy I have gotten. It's time for me to get re-started again...thanks for the motivation...have a nice day!
I have converted all of my music and talk CD's to MP3 files and have 4,000 music or talk files in folders on my hard drive.
There are several web sites with free MP3 files that I have saved to my hard drive.
Samdi, if you have an iPod, Zune, or similar device, the KLA CD converted to MP3 format, loaded onto tour hard drive then copied to your MP3 player. You can listen to the KLA CD files any time you want.
If BB is watching one of her TV programs or I go to bed and can't sleep, I listen to various motivational talks my MP3 player.
And there are several web sites that have MP3 files you can down load to your computer, then to your MP3 player.
Just Google the word "PODCAST" to find a list of many pod cast sites. http://podcast.com/
I have some very good relationship type pod casts on my computer.
About WMD's books. One thing I tell people is, when first reading the book; look for things that you are doing that might put distance between you and your H. The book is good at suggesting what "NOT TO DO."
People look for ways to change the spouse, which isn't practical at first. "What not to do" well you have much more control over that area, so start there. It is similar to Marriage Builder's concept of "Love Busters," eliminate as many of those as you can.
I got to feeling better enough to cook a simple little supper last night which surprised my H. ... I offered to rub his back again with some medication ... I had done that the night before (don't know if I ever mentioned it or not, but it did not turn me off to touch him like that).
Wow.. Wow.. WOW! You are DOING GREAT! And I think it is wonderful that you can find it in yourself to do things like that, while you are in pain and feeling needs for yourself. way to go!
You keep doing what you're doing, Sandi.. you are on the right path. Just keep doing the little steps.. and when you feel ready.. add just a little more. I dont know if you've ever done weight training, or watched someone do it over time... but that's how you do it. When you're completely out of shape.. you start with a silly little 5 pound weight. It almost looks riddiculous, compared to what other people are using... but you do it.. and your muscles get used to it.. and then you move to 10 lbs. and then after a while 15. bit, by bit. (i was so pathetically out of shape, after the "bomb effect".. losing 15 pounds.. I actually had to start with a 3lbs weight for a week. sheesh...)
As far as books go... I think you should focus on one at a time, and let each one sink in for a while, rather than just zip through all of them. Otherwise, you will probably lack full appreciation for any of them.
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I had been praying that I had not waited too long and done so much damage to my H that he would never have any feeling for me again. Therefore, I should have been happy to see that grin on his face as he looked up at me. Why or why did that old disgusted emotion have to rise up from somewhere deep within my soul and say, "HA! I'm still here, girl, you won't get rid of me that easily!"
You are a blessed woman, Sandi. God is listening closely to your prayers. Perhaps the best thing you can do right now in that department.. is pray for YOURSELF. Pray that God will banish that other voice from inside you.
i was originally going to suggest that you pray for a "renewed heart". but after reflecting.. you already DO love your husband. trouble is, you also hate him. Maybe ask God to help you let go of the hate, and anger, and resentment.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
