Oh Jarhead, I feel for you. Please just remember that she is confused & lost. She is constantly looking to you for approval for what she is doing - always asking "is that OK", or "are you mad"? That does not sound like someone who is done by any means. Remember the whole philosophy of if it is not working change it? Maybe you should try standing up for yourself with her and let her see that it really bothers you that she is with another man (to whatever degree). While I wouldn't say for you to act jealous, it is sometimes good to let the woman know that you don't want her being with anyone else? Make any sense?
It just seems to me like she keeps asking you to firm with her and you keep just letting her do her thing.
LMAO "I HATE WOMAN!!! You are to funny. You love the heck out of your W.
Jar, you did great with the conversation. You kept your composure and even controlled where the conversation went. All that and no anger. Good for you.
She on the other hand lost control and her composure. She said things to you that I do not believe she means, but said them out of her anger defense mechanism. You know what anger defense mechanism I'm talking about. You know the one that used to control you in the past and now you are beginning to control it.
I am glad you put your foot down with her concerning OM. You want nothing to do with him, NOTHING!!! and she needs to know that. In my opinion if you listen to her about him or act as if you are listening to her about him then that tells her you are ok with him in a way and that her behavior is acceptable. So, don't give in to her need to discuss OM with you.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
She knows that I do not like him and suspect her of having an A with him. Why on earth would she insist on bringing him up?
I would say she brings it up to try to justify to herself that it is ok that she is doing it. You know and she knows that there is no justifying it. But she tries will continue to try to do so. That is the only way she can deal with the guilt. By you not falling into her trap of trying to get your approval, in a way, by you talking about it with her, will only continue to fuel her self doubt and guilt. If she can get you do fall into the trap of discussing OM, then she feels more justified in her decision to have an affair and the guilt begins to fade.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Her mother is helping her figure out what she wants.. supposedly her mother has been telling her that I'm going to take the kids away etc.
Man, that can really F with your wife's mind. My wife's friends all had her convinced that I would keep our S away from her. Bunch of BS. I had never even threatened her, even in the heat of battle to do that. Well needless to say, she was so persistent that that is what I would do, I, yes I filed for the D just so she could have her visitation rights on paper and enforceable by the courts. I had to do it just to prove to her and show her that I would never do that to her or our S. I know friends and family are important as a support group for our spouses, but they can for sure throw a wrench into things at time. I just wish sometimes they would think with logic instead of with worst case scenario type thinking. Or just keep their opinions to themselves.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Wow... what an evening. The W and I argued quite a bit. She asked me to go to the store and get some contact solution. She acted weird when I came in, but not biggie. We were talking about some stuff when I heard her phone buzzing. I asked if it was her phone and she played it off. It buzzed again, and I asked if I could see it. She said it was probably OM.. I picked it up and sure enough it was. Basically, she was on the phone with him when I came in the door.. she hung up on him and had apologized. To which he replied he knew. We talked at lenght about this.. not sure we got anywhere.
My anger got the better of me though and I texted the OM.
I'm still texting with him as though we are friends... trying to pick up intel. What a boost this would be... get intel from OM!!
So I ended up texting OM for about an hour. He claims they are just friends and that I was whacked out for not letting her talk to another man. I explained how secretive it was and how addicted she seemed to him. After a while, he said he respected my position and understood how it would come off as something else based on her hiding it etc. Could it be possible that she's infatuated with him and he really isn't interested in her more? (I'm a guy, so I know the "any port in the storm" routine). He said he would back off, to which I replied if they were just friends I don't have an issue with it. If it turns into something more, I'd kick his ass. His W cheated on him, and he said he wouldn't do that to anyone else.
In conversation with W last night, it appears that one of her big issues is that I manipulate (no crap huh?) and guilt her into doing things. I can admit that sometimes I do, but I didn't know I did it all the time!! Any suggestions on how to deal with that? I've researched anger, relationships, etc, but not sure where to start with that one.
I let W know this morning that I had been texting OM. She was furious. I told her it was cool and I wasn't going to bother her about it. She freaked and said he would never talk to her again and that I was ruining her life. That hurt. Taking another man from her is ruining her life!
Anyway... I've told her I'm leaving her alone... she stayed home from work today and I'm in the basement while she's upstairs. I'm going to avoid as much as possible.
I texted OM and told him her comments this morning and he replied that she had called him (while I took our D's to school)and he didn't answer. He responded with a text stating "You guys need space.. You cannot work out a 2 person relationship with 3 people." He also told me that he'll be nice, but he respects my position and will keep his distance.
W hasn't really spoken to me other than asking for the checkbook to order school pictures of our D.
