"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is such a great book. I read that and thought, she has me pegged perfectly. Something that I notice about women is that life is so complex for them, satisfieing their needs is incredibly complex because women are so freaking hard to understand. But men, we are "Simple" creatures according to her book, and I completely agree with it. Take your case for example, sex is scary stuff for you, but talking about stuff, opening up, thats right up your alley. Then you think, HE really needs to open up and that will make things great, but opening up and communicating is what MEN find scary, while SEX is right up their alley. Remember when you talked about him going into his cave. This is normal (but needs to be changed).
So think "SIMPLE". You're complex, he is SIMPLE. It's all explained in her book.
In her book, she compares a couple to a farmer and his draft horse, the husband being the horse. As she says "Feed Him, Sex Him, Admire Him, and he will work for you until his heart explodes." That sentence says it all.
Sandi2 So, I am thinking in my heart that what he really meant was that he had not felt "respect" from me.[b] Also try the word appreciation. I pick up on BB signaling, what I do for her and us as “not good enough” or the “timing is wrong” many times.
[b] when we talk again (when the timing is right) to tell him that I can see where I always compared him to others BB did the comparing. I saw the differences but realized the other couples had or did things. I also saw we didn’t have as much debt.
Some thoughts about when the “time is right?” Now is a good time to start. I think most people wait too long for the “right time.” What has worked for me, is to bring up a topic in it’s simplest terms, why it is a problem or a goal you want to achieve and list 2 or 3 short supporting facts or goals.
Just because you bring up a topic, doesn’t mean you have to have the problem or goal completely defined and you don’t have to have all of the answers right now.
--when I told him that I would be available to him for sex whenever he wanted it, and I did not want him to think he would be rejected......and then he just went cold on me. I could never understand that and it put up that "wall" even higher. It made me mad b/c he wouldn't explain to me and, as usual, I tried to guess at "why" he reacted the way he did. Well, I suppose my "guess" was way off base to the real reason. It probably sounded like I was doing him some big favor by making a "sacrifice" to him. Of course, I did not mean for it to sound that way.....I truly was trying to make our R work! I thought that was what he wanted! Did he say why his part of the wall went up? His reason might be a bit different than what you had in mind.
In the early years, I was always trying to prode him and make him talk. Well, it just didn't happen, so I tried to "guess" at everything and it just went from bad to terrible! If he won’t talk, you can give the 2 or 3 most likely answers you associate with an event and ask him which is the closest to being right. It is sort of like playing the game “Warmer-closer or Colder-going the wrong direction.
Still he does have a civil responsibility to explain most of his feelings so you don’t have to guess most of the time.
I still don't understand a lot of times in the past, but it must have had something to do with his own personal pain at the time. I may never know for sure just what was going on at that particular time. We all have our own inner world, some with painful memories and happy memories. It is difficult for me to know where BB is at a particular moment. The same things applies to your H, you can’t always know what he is thinking or feeling. Tell him that and ask for his co-operation so you two can have a brighter future.
So sad! Why couldn't he just tell me.....if that "is" what he thought? I don't "know" that it is.......I'm "guessing" again! But it never entered into my mind until this very minute. It is mind blowing! At the time this happened, I don't recall having too much sexual problems. In fact, that was the times that seem to be better between us.......so, I don't know, it just doesn't make any sense to me. I brought it up to him once and he acted like he couldn't even remember it. Maybe he doesn’t remember it. In that case, ask a hypothetical question and ask him if “A” or “B” sounds better. Or you could ask him if “A” or “B” is going toward a direction that makes for a better life or is going in the wrong direction and messing up the marital happiness.
We both have been hurt a lot. It has certainly been a two-way street. I doubt that my pain has equaled to his. Try to think different pains and get away from the thought of something being equal. If things are supposed to be fair or equality is something to be desired, if it isn’t equal, then someone is ahead of the game and someone is experiencing a loss. From what I read, you both suffered losses and life isn’t fair or equal. M/R’s are not perfect so don’t wait till the perfect/right time to make a move in the warmer direction.
Doing nothing (and I am not saying you are doing nothing. I see you doing several things) is allowing the colder direction to take over by default.
Warmer/colder is a little kid’s game. The blindfolded person tries to find something. Everyone around the blindfolded person tells him/her if they are getting closer (warmer) to an object they are instructed to find. There are other versions of the game that don’t include a blindfold.
Using a more sophicated term instead of warmer/colder, successive approximations comes to mind. Maybe it isn’t the best term, but it is the process I have in mind. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaping_(psychology)
Oh Cemar.....you really got me tickled! Talking about men being simple is funny when it comes from another man. I'm afraid you are correct about me (especially) being a complex person. I recognize that more and more. In fact, today has been a day of really rocognizing a lot of things in my life. I think perhaps there was a reason (from a higher power)for me staying home these past two days....a lot of soul searching, praying, and just getting some powerful insight from all of you friends here on this board. I take everything into consideration that is said to me.
I find myself repeating a lot of the same information and I will try to break myself from that habit. Forget what I tell people and forget everyone reads what I've told the other....lol.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
• An unconventional approach July 14: You're about to meet two couples brave enough to tell all about what goes on behind the bedroom in hopes that what they're about to endure may save their marriages.
Mrs. CAC4.....Hi, I didn't know you were on board too. I feel very honored that you dropped in. What you had to say sounds like words from a wise woman. I appreciate it greatly.
I take it that you and your H have been reading my thread together. He sure got me "fired" up over the "frigid" thing...lol. However, it also got me to doing a lot of soul searching and thinking back to things that were said in my past to make me react the way I do to that particular word.
Please come back anytime to join in with your insight. Right now, I am really trying to find answers and a pathway on how to make things right and how to "start". Our timing has been so "off" in the past and he knows that I'm reading a lot of books and I'm on here everytime he comes in the room...so, I don't want him to take any "moves" from me as .......well, you know....."instructions" from any books I've read. I want him to know it is from my heart. I have wondered if that is why he reacted to my dressing up sexy those times.....b/c he knew I had been reading "Total Woman". I even ordered the tape and he insisted on listening to it....all the time I just cringed b/c I didn't want him hearing the "secrets" that were told to women on how to keep their husbands excited in the M. I was afraid he would react in much of the same way he did. As if to say, "Is this some of that stuff you read about doing?" Not that he did say that, but I felt like he might as well had.
Again, thanks for your advice anytime.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There is such an awkwardness when people have been unaffectionate for so long, in Sandi's case, many years. So how does the LD spouse approach the HD spouse affectionately without it feeling so fake or setup? I know that if my wife actually touched me first, I would not believe she was acting genuinly. It's like the LD spouse has painted themselves into a corner and their really is no way out.
Oh... honey, you are so singing to the choir. I guess you take MWD's advice here, and you Just DO IT. And then you do it again, and again, and again.
As the HD H, no, it isn't going to feel authentic yet. Why would it? But it can again... if you keep at it.
I didn't want him hearing the "secrets" that were told to women on how to keep their husbands excited in the M.
I personally think that the best marital techniques, are ones that dont have to be kept "secret". When you find something that finds interesting/potentially good, and you can share it with your husband, and he can say, "hey, that sounds good to me!"... then you know you're _really_ onto something
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
As the HD H, no, it isn't going to feel authentic yet. Why would it? But it can again... if you keep at it.
ooo.. you gotta be careful applying something like that.
If you do something that you HATE... doing it again and again.. is probably going to make you hate it MORE. If on the other hand, you do something that is "neutral" to you.. and then you do it again and again... you'll probably find that you get comfortable with it, and "might" end up enjoying it after a while
First, you have to be at least "comfortable" with it, or you'll make things worse.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
DomR.....regarding the "Total Woman" stuff....lol...guess that just shows my old fashion nature. I must have wanted him to think it was all my idea!
I did hear a woman say once that she and her H were attending together in a class that was for Marriage Enrichment and when she tried to apply some principles that were taught in the class, he threw it up in her face about it. Just showed his immaturity to me. He should have been happy (knowing the woman as I did) that she was finally trying to apply "something"....lol.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
