Dear RealJourney, thank you sweetie, and actually, I considered you under the compassionate group....lol. Seriously, everyone has been in that group, it's just that I found some that talk more like I do at times...hahahaha.
I sure will consider the AD. In fact, I made an appointment with my doctor for that reason. It will be about three more weeks before I can get in to see him. I will also order that book...and the one Cemar suggested. Gosh, I have so many books mounting up. But, I am reading them.
What you said about the "blame" game certainly has a lot of truth to it. Very wise words indeed. So, I think I would be wasting my time in trying to go there, don't you? So, should I continue my "soul searching" to see what all I've done to hurt my H? Or, should I just try to start from this point in a healing process? See, I really don't know. Some say to search it all out in your heart to face the truth and then the healing can start.
This is why this message board has been like gold to me. People can see objectivly into my problems. They can say things to me where perhaps my own family wouldn't or couldn't...whichever the case. My family is too close to the problem and probably don't know what to say!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, there's one thing I want you to consider. I may be totally off base, but I'm going to type it out just for the heck of it.
What struck me about your account is the fact that your h backed off and developed ED just around the time you were starting to enjoy sex. That, to me, can mean any one of three things.
1) that it was just a coincidence. Possible, but not that likely.
2) that there was a "miscommunication" just around that time that so pierced his manhood and his pride that he couldn't deal
or
3) that this is a classic case of a Schnarchian "switch". Now you haven't read Passionate Marriage, have you? Schnarch tells of a couple where the man is HD and the woman LD. Through therapy, she starts to become much more sexual ... and he loses interest.
Schnarch says this is a common phenomenon. The man isn't "happy" with his sitch, but it's the devil he knows. It also soothes his own insecurities. The wife is the one with "the problem". When she suddenly changes and becomes sexual, he has to confront his own fears, and withdraws.
In a situation like yours where both of you were so very young and so very inexperienced I frankly don't know where your husband would have developed a secure sense of his sexual self. Just something to think about.
If you want to know what I think I believe it may be a combination of 2) and 3).
I think you need a list with goals ... maybe things like,
"I will call my doctor to talk about ADs withing the next week", or "I will approach my husband and give him a hug, everyday". Just make a list of things that you want to accomplish. And be specific. Don't just say "I want a better R" or "I want to be in less pain", which is great, but also say what you want to DO about it. Let's get started. :-)
I just noticed that my thread has about 14 pages and it usually locks up about that time, so I may have to start another any minute....just look for me under that same title for the time being.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Southern Girl.....hummmm, that makes two of you that has mentioned that book...so I'll order it. Hope I don't max out my credit card (lol). As I've said, I thought the "irony" of the timing in our sex "turn-around" was just too much. I may never know the reason behind it, but I just want to make things good again. If my thread locks up here any minute....please look for me still under SSM under the same title.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Corri, thanks for your help. I'm kind of embarrased to admit this, but I'm not real sure what "owning" means here. If it is to admit or face my faults in the M...then I understand that part. I understand taking responsibility. If I am off base, please just talk plain to me (lol) and break it down so I can understand. That is why I told you and Cemar that I was still thinking about what you both had said.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What this mean is that you sexual drive is CAUSED by sex. In effect, to desire sex, you will have to have LOTS of sex. Not having sex will CAUSE you to NOT WANT SEX! Read her book, it will tell you all this. It will also tell you how to solve this problem, and it will NOT be easy.
I tried to tell my H for years (after he stopped having sex on a regular basis) that the longer we went without sex the less I wanted it. It was kind of like started all over again. The more often we had it, then the "easier" it was for me. Not a good way to express it, but in other words...it goes back to what you are saying here.
I am going to order the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. After all the books I am reading, I should be one smart cookie! Let's just hope I can put it into practice.....as Corri told me. You and Corri (lol)are quite a pair! But I like both of you.
I even like CAC.....BYW what happen to you...haven't heard from you any more.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
imLIN ...the healing starts with one person...I know...I worked a long time alone in this...but it has been worth it to have my H join me again in our M! May I Congratulate? The world needs more people like you.
Two people like that in a M, wow, wouldn’t that be wonderful?
There is such an awkwardness when people have been unaffectionate for so long, in Sandi's case, many years. So how does the LD spouse approach the HD spouse affectionately without it feeling so fake or setup? I know that if my wife actually touched me first, I would not believe she was acting genuinly. It's like the LD spouse has painted themselves into a corner and their really is no way out.
There is such an awkwardness when people have been unaffectionate for so long, in Sandi's case, many years. So how does the LD spouse approach the HD spouse affectionately without it feeling so fake or setup? I know that if my wife actually touched me first, I would not believe she was acting genuinly. It's like the LD spouse has painted themselves into a corner and their really is no way out.
Good point. My wife has said this same thing to me, that given what all we have been going through, that this is how I would feel and I would pretty much have to agree.
So how does the LD spouse approach the HD spouse affectionately without it feeling so fake or setup?
I would start by talking to my spouse about my feelings, and my new understanging of the importance of a good sex life, and how I would like to improve things. I wouldn't just try to initiate sex. That *would* seem fake because it would come out of nowhere, especially in a relationship where there hasn't been affection in many years.
I know that if my wife actually touched me first, I would not believe she was acting genuinly.
I'm sure she knows that.
It's like the LD spouse has painted themselves into a corner and their really is no way out.
Ah, but Cemar, you're forgetting that many times the HD spouse is painted into that other corner across the room.
