Got her a new kit for her hearing aids (hers was broken) Got medicine for the cat Folded our D's laundry which had been sitting in baskets for weeks Cleaned the master bath (pet peeve of hers) Did some laundry
Did you do things because you wanted to do them or because you have a hidden agenda (guilt, manipulation, false hope)? From your response at the bottom of you post, looks like you had a motive behind them. How often has she performed the same task and you have never thank her for doing them?
Originally Posted By: jarhead
I broke... I mentioned how she's avoiding me.
Guilt and manipulation. She is not going to want to spend any real true constructive time with you under those type of terms. She would only be doing it out of you making her feel guilty. Is that the type of company you want from her?
Originally Posted By: jarhead
I told her that was fine but I would probably be going out with some guys from work (made it up) next Tuesday. She got all curious.. (Who, Why, etc) then said "Whatever, I'm not your boss" She never says that!! She says "Well.. just make sure I can go out one night during the week." I reminded her that she had been out every night this week and she responded "Really?.. Oh well"
Again with the guilt and manipulation, but with a bit of jealous added. Once again is that the type of relationship you want with your wife? One where she is involved, because you have manipulated her with false fact and guilt? Get your own life. Why try to use the fact that she is getting her own life against her?
Originally Posted By: jarhead
This feels like it's getting worse, but I don't know what to do.
It feels like it is getting worse, because it is with your actions. You need to work on yourself. You need to get over your self pity, your jealousy, your anger. You need to stop trying to make her feel guilty through manipulation. You need to work on being the man she feel in love with. Start off by being her friend and not her accuser.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
I can feel the pain and I have been through it myself (as recently as last night), but hold your head up high, work on yourself and don't expect any compliments. I know it hurts every time they push your buttons, but if you don't react then they will get tired of that game.
Hang in there and fight the good fight - we're all supporting you here.
You are all right... I slipped. I was trying to manipulate things into the way I wanted them.
I did do those things because I wanted to.. actually the D's laundry was getting on my nerves and instead of griping at her (she usually folds the girls laundry and puts it away) I figured I'd take care of it. As for the other laundry... I always do that. No difference. Maybe I should stop (180).
The bathroom is one I admit I did for her. Won't happen again because it didn't work.
Nugget... your words are probably the harshest yet truest words I've read. That's the kind of smacking around I needed.
I'm trying to figure out the right balance of GAL and being friendly with her, but I keep giving into the fact that she has a life and I don't.
NO MORE!!!
She did text me this morning and told me to have a wonderful day. I responded for her to do the same.
We talked this afternoon, mostly about L stuff and what time I am going out tonight etc. She makes it out like she has plans. Just something I have to put out of my mind.
Nugget... your words are probably the harshest yet truest words I've read. That's the kind of smacking around I needed.
They are harsh and true, because I have committed everything you did to your wife, to my wife also. ALmost to the "T". I speak to you from experiences. I see my own mistakes, in your mistakes, so I can totally relate. We all need to be smack from time to time. I'll smack you and expect you to smack me in return. The key to all this is to learn from our mistakes and make ourselves better from doing them and not to concentrate on self pity for having done them. Now, go get her tiger!
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
I've followed some of your story and it's definitely similiar to mine. If you could, post a link to your current thread.
Went and got the papers today. What a crappy thing that was. Went to the CH and it turns out her L wasn't done yet. Got em there and was served there.
I thought she had filed for separation, but it looks like the D.
She also asked for me to repay her atty fees. Is she NUTS?
Anyway... in all of this, she needed help getting her water turned on for her Apt, so I took care of it for her. I probably ought to make that the last one huh?
She's getting overwhelmed by all of the costs of moving. I'm trying to be supportive without giving her cake and allowing her to eat it too.
I've followed some of your story and it's definitely similiar to mine. If you could, post a link to your current thread.
I'm one of those people who has threads all over the place, unfortunately. Not sure which one I can point you to that would sum up my sit for you. I'll look.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
She also asked for me to repay her atty fees. Is she NUTS?
Evidently LOL. Either that or she thinks you are stupid and will pay them.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
Anyway... in all of this, she needed help getting her water turned on for her Apt, so I took care of it for her. I probably ought to make that the last one huh?
I don't think so. You still need to help her when you see fit. You should be there for her like a best friend would.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
She's getting overwhelmed by all of the costs of moving.
She will soon realize that trying to manage and budget living on your own is not all that easy or great. She will start to feel the consequences of her decision. She will have to start taking on a lot of the tasks and expenses that you took care of in the past. This will help her to see how much you really did do for the R.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Couple of updates... I post in two seperate posts.
Wife got home from work and told me not to worry that the papers said D, there was a reason for that. Still haven't gotten that explanation. She also said she felt like I didn't care, that I had been cold to her the last few days. CRAP!!!
I have to admit, I've not been very good at this, but Nuggets words really hit me!! I told her I apologize and that I just didn't know how to talk to her or how to give her what she wanted. That seemed to smooth things over.
Went out last night.. W was peculiar about what time I was coming home.. very nerve racking.
While I'm out, I get a text from W stating that she was sorry where our relationshiop had gone, but she felt like we would be better friends. I responded that I understood and I'm sure we would be great friends if that's what she wanted. She responded with "I still love you and always will" I responded with the same. She called me and again asked what time I would be home. She then told me to have fun and not come home before 1:00. She told me she was locking the door. I got home ~12:30 and sure enough the door was locked. I called the home phone and she answered.. I asked to be let in.. even though she was just inside on the couch, it took her a few minutes to unlock and open the door!! That's when I think it got ugly.
We talked... she told me she was sorry about things, we talked about different things. She said she was confused, she needed to figure out her life. I told her I understood and that I would wait for her. She wasn't sure about that. I also told her that I would forgive her for anything that she has done. Not a good idea... she still maintains that she isn't having an affair. I told her that at the least she's having an EA. Someone to talk to about our stuff instead of me. She mentioned this other girl, I told her I wasn't even talking to her. She wanted to go for a drive... I didn't want her leaving the house and I told her so. She said she had to get away and didn't want me to be mad at her. She left... I went to bed.
Not sure what time she got home.. she's still sleeping now.
Man I need to learn to shut up and just be a friend.
Yeah... not sure what that was about. She even locked the door. She said it was just so I would have a good time. It took her a few minutes to unlock the door which is very weird.
Anyway... today we went and shopped for bedroom furniture for our D's in the new Apt. Spent ~$850!! She was shocked and gave me a very sincere thanks.
Came home and went grocery shopping. While she was working out, snuck a peak at her phone. She texted OM to call her when I left to go grocery shopping.
Due to this, I did have another setback. She asked what time the game was tomorrow because she may watch it with a "friend" from school. I was pissed.. she had said previously that she would still watch football with us and she's already bailed on the Monday nighter.
I let it get to me.. I told her that I would take the girls somewhere and she said I had to let her know where. I responded with "What do you care... you either want to watch it with your family or you don't" Not received well, but she is making us her plan B. She expected us to hang out here and not make any plans in case her friend didn't want to watch the game with her.
She probably didn't like facing her selfishness, but that's what it was and I didn't like it.
Oh well.. I apologized profusely and I think she's OK. She also noticed the flowers I got for the kitchen table.
Spent some time with her while she was doing her hair.. just talking and listening.
