Dom R, somebody not responding to you immediately does not necessarily have any implication of rejection of your POV. Frankly, insisting on someone responding immediately and/or taking your advice is bordering on personality disorders. I'm not throwing that out as a dig, just suggesting you might want to look inward at your motivation for addressing Sandi the way you did.
Goodguy, I have to admit that you're not living up to your name in your last post. And I must say, I'm getting a weird vibe from your posts to and concerning Sandi. I say this in all seriousness, I am not trying to be mean or manipulative. Your posts to her come across as a little TOO concerned about her, if you know what I mean. You might look to see if you have formed too deep of an emotional attachment to her, something that is VERY easy to do on personal help MB's and can be VERY insidious if you are not careful. If I'm off base on this, sorry for bringing it up. But I'm all for trying as hard as you can to be self-aware. I struggle mightily with that myself.
Please don't be offended by that suggestion, I mean you no ill will. Just thinking out loud and trying to help
Take care Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Hi Everyone......thanks for being here for me tonight. I am not ignoring you...and I'n not "busy" either. I taked a little on my lunch break. When I got off work and came home....I was really, really hurting. I am having a tough time this evening with the fibromyalgia. I will try to respond to all of you tomorrow, hopefully.
DomR, I didn't see your post with your question to me until a few minutes ago. I don't know how I missed it before, but that has happened with me before. Like I said, I am still learning this board and trying to find my way around...so I don't know why it sneaked by me.
To "my guys"....please don't fight. I was the one that didn't give good advice. I was shocked when I read it... but I think it is true...and I'm crying while I'm typing this b/c it hurts to face truth.....but I think I do still have the heart of a WAW! I shouldn't be givng anyone advice. I'm sorry that I caused problems between you......two of my favorite "Sweeties".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
hey Sandi.. yeah, i figured it might be something like that. I looked at the timestamps of your more recent post, and was wondering.. Hmm... ookay... she's been back here, and replied to someone else 2 hours after I posted mine, but.... no reply to mine?
It was probably "posting overlap", where you were posting kinda at the same time i was editing/composing my long one, so it didnt flag to you as "new".
I'm sorry that you are in pain tonight. Yet at the same time, maybe it would be actually the best time to ask for some comfort from your husband tonight. hope you read this before you turn in.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I still think even if you do have the heart of a WAW that the advice you can give is valuable...as we really don't get much chance at hearing "from the otherside" much on how the things that we do innocently effects the one who is dealing with the crisis in their life...
I do hope you consider Dom's thoughts...yes, they may have come across as a bit too direct but I think his jist has a good direction...
I also don't approve of the slamming that is going on...to tell someone to take a walk off a short peir and talking about kicking someone's butt becomes a bit juvenile...just because one might not agree with another doesn't make it right to verbally attack...redirect, give another opinion...absolutely...but lets keep the playground stuff out of the BB's okay?
And Chromosphere makes a good point also...just because we are here to help ourselves and help others doesn't make us immune from emotional attachments...I know I was very vulnerable as a LBS during the time my H was away...a little attention can go along way...make sure we stay focused, constructive, and if we can't keep an objectionable view then we need to back off...
Everyone have a good night...Sandi, I hope your pain gets better sooner rather then later...take care....you know where I am if you need me...Lin
Interesting that when I asked sandi to define what an evening of emotionaling connecting would be like, that your response was geared towards the husband and the long journey he must make. While you are correct, I was not thinking about him. I want to know how Sandi plans on emotionally connecting to her husband. I wonder if SHE has the tools.
Well, just a quick update. I am trying to get myslef geared to face the day and try to make it to work. I stil feel rough but not in the pain I was last night. Speaking of last night....I took the advice....and I went in and sat right next to my H on the couch. He immediately reached over and put his arms around me and kissed me on the shoulder and said he was so sorry I was hurting. He commented on the fribromyalgia. I wasn't able to say too much due to my pain and the way it was working on my nervous system at the time, but he just held me and I tried to do as I was advised and just try my best to "relax" (under the circumstances). He was real sweet. I guess I sat there for 15 or 20 minutes and then I had to get up and move around. But, I think it was a good move. Another "major" thing that happen was he told me he loved me and I was able to tell him back that I loved him also. So.....I think I did my "homework" okay (lol).
I am still thinking about what you said cemar2.....about the emotional connecting and exactly what you mean. I hope that is what we started last night....to emotionally connect. My idea of doing that for an evening would be to come home from work and spend "quality" time together snuggled up with each other and talking about how we "feel" about things. The "small" talk about the weather, etc. is useless to me and that is about all my H has done over the years. I will talk to you more about that later today.
Before I forget to mention this....there is something I wanted to tell you all and see what your response to it is. There was something that come on TV one night about couples and how sometime one "outgrows" the other one in life. My H has told me at two differnt times that he thinks I have outgrown him. Remember I was 18 and he was 22 when we married. To be completely, very honest.....at times....I kind of feel that way myself....but that is not to put him down or say that I am smarter than he is or anything like that....but I think he means in other ways.....or an example I think he looks at the type of work we do. But, anyway, it is something I've been meaning to tell you all and forgot to. For whatever that may be worth.
Anyway, I have to get busy or I won't make it to work on time. I just wanted to share what happened last night. I needed him to show me compassion due to my pain and he did....so I felt like it was a good move.
Love you all for being concerned for me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am so proud of you for taking that step!! Funny thing is... it seems like you didnt even have to ask him to hold you.(?) And that, in itself, i think can be even more encouraging to you, because it tells you that its not all "on you", trying to ask or prod your husband to show you affection. He is already "open" to doing that with you. Congratulations
The "outgrowing" stuff is just divorce justification crap. It's total garbage. It's just an excuse for, "I want different things than what I wanted when we married. So I want to go hook up with someone else, rather than doing actual work, to keep our relationship close".
Everyone is going to change, as they grow older. Marriage is a commitment to work to keep the two of you close, yet still allow each person to change and develop in your own ways. The "outgrow" crap, is horrible in multiple ways:
- It says "I'm BETTER than you". And implies "I DESERVE BETTER than you" - It says "you are INCAPABLE of being better than you are" (but I'm not limited, because I'm so superior to you) - It says, "i've changed, and the change is for the better". whereas in reality, many times, the change is for the worse
It's bad for other reasons too.
Whenever someone is getting a divorce because they've "outgrown" their partner... they are actually proclaiming very loudly, that they have regressed into an immature, selfish child.
I'm gonna write more about getting meaningful sharing out of your husband later. But first I want to comment a bit more on the physical closeness.
You did a great job on your "homework" but it's not done! I think you need to do something similar every day, or at the outside, every other day (but every day would probably be best). 15 minutes of just being close and snuggling with each other. no pressure about anything else. Just allow yourself to relax next to your husband, and feel his warmth for you. What you've done is like excercise. You had a great first day's workout.. but if you stop... then after a few days, you'll be just the same as before you started.
It sounds like you've decided to take a positive attutude about your "workout", and enjoy it. I'm really happy for you
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
[quote=Dom R] Balony You're playing mind games with yourself. As with just about every other man here, you want "an intimate relationship with a woman". [quote]
First of all I'd like to say I'm sorry if anyone was offended by my mini melt down, but honestly, read the 2 quotes from Dom and then ask if this is advice? I have been to this site daily for a long while, I absorb advice, read different sitch's, (and we all know each of us has a different sitch). So to ball park that every man on this site is only after an intimate relationship with a woman is pretty immature, I am 48 years old, not 20!
[quote=Dom R] PS: How DARE you claim that you are being "forced" to break your marital vows!! No-one is holding a gun to your head. [quote]
I am not breaking my marital vows, I did not initiate a separation, I don't want a divorce, I love my wife, that is why I'm here! Does a person who wants to move on from their marriage visit this site multiple times a day? This site is to save our marriages, that is my clear intention. So when I say I am being "forced", what I mean is that my wife is in the drivers seat. She was the unhappy one, I was blissfully married one day, and the next was told she wanted out. No one is holding a gun to my head, but we are constantly being told by WISE DBers, to come here to vent, instead of to our spouses. That was what I was doing. I'm a man, when someone pokes me in the chest, I poke them right back. Again, if I offended anyone, my appologies.
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
Well, today I'm having a very hard time at work. I may get a chance off and on .....a minute at a time to jot a line or two. I am feeling very bad, but trying to hang in here.
The statement I made about "outgrowing" came from my H, however, I had wondered about it myself. I think to compare what I had reference to is like when a couple marries young and she works trying to help her H go through college and get his career going....or she stays home and has the babies and while they are in school and the H goes forward and "up the ladder" (as they say) and the first thing you know...it is almost as though they live in different worlds...at least during the working hours of the day. The trick is to be able to come together at the close of the day and still have things in common. I have seen that become a problem in couples and they do eventually split. It is sad. I won't say that is what happen in our particular stitch...but maybe something similiar. I don't think it is that big a deal with me and my H. Nothing we can't work through.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Chrome... I'm kind of picking up on the same thing you are... sometimes when I come to this thread, I feel like I inadvertently walked into a bedroom instead of the restroom. And I feel like... "Oh my goodness... Ooops... I, uh... oops..." and I slam the door.
I don't mean to jab at anyone... that's what I feel... and I've never encountered that on the SSM Forum... I just really don't know HOW to make comments here... given this...
but it's not done!