Great advice Sandi, I will re-read LRT in the DR book, I have it at home. I'm not sure I would tell her anything though until I feel I have a promising start with another woman, when my (10 year old mature son) and my W would need to know. But very good advice on explaining to my S that he is most important, which he is. I don't need to explain much to my 20 year old S, he gets it.
I went down to the bank to see if the "other" woman wanted to go out with me, but she only works Mondays and Fridays, so I guess I'll call her tomorrow and see if she would like to go out for lunch and see how it goes.
I don't know if ready to "move on" is the way to phrase it? I would welcome my wife back with open arms (and a C schedule), but she is not ready, and I'm sick of waiting, again, this is the 2nd time she has packed up and left, I'm sick of being a doormat to that. I'm not ready to put a welcome mat at my front door like my chiropractor used to have that said "Glad To See Your Back"! lol. If I was to say to my W today that if she doesn't come home and make a home for the 3 of us then I am moving on and dating, she would say "go right ahead". My W has not filed for D, nor has she spoken about it in a very long time, in fact she only brought it up when she first dropped the bomb back in February, maybe she said it 2 or 3 times in a short period of time, but nothing since. I'm not sure I would want to initiate a D either, what would happen if after a year or so she wanted to make a go of it, and I felt we should too?
I have really tried to make her feel special throughout this, and melt her heart. I've told her that she may find someone she loves more than me, but she will never find anyone that loves her more than I do. I've told her and my S that she is the prettiest girl in the world, I've always said that though. I've always told her I love her, the last time was over a month ago when she told me to stop doing that, she said nothing is going to change, she also told me to quit telling my S to give her a kiss and a hug, so I have done so. She won't cry no matter what I say or do, she said she cried too many tears already and said crying doesn't help anyway. she also won't toy with me, she is a very caring, honest person, but she just doesn't want me, I finally get it.
Both neighbors are good friends of hers, one is a single woman that she would visit often when we lived together, the other a couple that we hung out with every weekend for over a year, they sided with me in the beginning, but now I never see or hear from them, they hang out with my W only. They are nice people, and I know she is not spying, but it still makes me feel uncomfortable that the woman I spent 17 years with can go next door but not stop and see me, I'll never get that? Maybe I'm jealous that our friends (the couple) don't hang out with me anymore?
Sandi, keep up the good work with your H. Are you positive he won't go to a C with you? When was the last time you asked him? What if you let him pick the C? How about that weekend away with a bottle or 2 of wine? i think some guys would rather remove the heart wrenching discussions of fixing the R, when you may be able to win each other over by not saying a word, good food, drink and sex, I would imagine that after 11 years, it would seem like a stranger in a brand new R! Why can he read your e-mail or posts, don't you have your own screen names and passwords, if not, do it today, it's called privacy! I don't open mail addressed to my W, and she doesn't open mail addressed to me. I would let him read your books, he might learn something. If he is going through your things, then he is insecure about your R, I know, because I did the same thing when my marriage broke down, I thought she must be cheating on me, so I went through her drawers, checked her cell phone calls etc... Maybe you could confirm to your H that the OM is out of the picture, tell him he is the most important man in your life, hand him the yellow pages, tell him to find a C of his choosing while you book a weekend away, don't ask him, tell him!
You bet your A#* I'm in your corner, talk to you later.
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
Goodguy, I have only one short thing to say for you: Please live up to your login name, and be a "good guy". Dont go dating anyone, until you are divorced. "dating", is for people who are either a) looking for casual sex b) looking for a serious long-term relationship. [some people claim otherwise. those people are either LIARS trying to take the 'pressure off' or something... or they're just looking for sex]
presuably, you're not looking for a. if you're looking for b with someone other than your wife, then you would be betraying your marriage vows of "forsaking all others" by pursuing it while still married.
Now... back to Sandi.
Come back and reply to my prior message, Sandi... no more avoiding
Last edited by Dom R; 09/13/0706:48 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
In the early years, I did not feel as though my H tried at all to contribute to the emotional part of our R. I felt as though all he ever thought about or cared about was sex. That was certainly all he wanted to talk about b/c he never wanted to carry on a conversation about anything else that related to "us".
If you wanted to spend an evening emotionally connecting with him, what would YOU do?
Dom R, Thanks for your input. But I think we have to see both perspectives, my W has betrayed our vows by leaving...better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness & in health...Why would it be okay for her to break the vows but not I? I had no intention of ever breaking my vows. I was forced into it. I am a good guy, I am not looking for casual sex, I am looking for the friendship and companionship of a woman, nothing more, nothing less.
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
Why would it be okay for her to break the vows but not I?
it's not ok for her to break her vows. nor is it ok for you to. The bible does not say, "if your spouse cheats on you, you can cheat on them." It says, paraphrasing a little, "if your spouse cheats on you, and you cannot forgive them, divorce them"
Quote:
I am a good guy, I am not looking for casual sex, I am looking for the friendship and companionship of a woman, nothing more, nothing less.
Balony You're playing mind games with yourself. As with just about every other man here, you want "an intimate relationship with a woman". Which will eventually lead to sex if you get it. And even if it doesnt, you're breaking your marriage vows, by pursuing an intimacy like that with a woman other than your wife. Your wife should be the person you are most intimately connected with. You are looking to replace the void of intimacy with your wife, with intimacy with someone else. Think about it, and where it leads. Then post a link to your OWN THREAD, if you'd like to discuss this further
PS: How DARE you claim that you are being "forced" to break your marital vows!! No-one is holding a gun to your head.
PPS to cemar: her husband is not capable of having an evening of "emotionally connecting". That is at the end of a very LOOONG road of personal development for him. Best to not start down "cheezeless tunnels", and focus on more immediate goals, I think.
Sandi.. where are yoooooouuuu?? !!
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Great advice...I do hope Sandi thinks on this one...you never know how you will really "feel" about something until it is done...
I don't know...sounds to me like her H was a bit inexperienced and didn't know how to please her and was afraid to ask...and Sandi being the proper wife didn't tell him...she did tell him what she didn't like...and yes, she did the dress up stuff to entice him...but that didn't work...he seems like he is more simple then that requires...but somewhere he does need to understand that it isn't making love unless both parties are "into it"...sex is empty for someone...usually the giver of it....
Sandi...see if you can respond to Dom R...he might be on the right track for you...not that it will be easy...might take a bottle of wine...gosh, I know that is what it took for me H...sad but true...I do have hopes that we will get back what was lost...and since he is recovering alcoholic he will have to do it the hard way...
Hey Dom, this is a great place to ask and receive advice, not to push your lousy stinking opinions on other people. I don't like your attitude! Have you read my entire post? Do you know what has happened in my sitch? I don't think so, as I don't know yours. If you want to give friendly, kind words of encouragement, I'm all ears. If you think by reading a couple of my paragraphs you can tell me what to do, take a long lingering walk off a short pier, you punk, I'll kick your A$$.
Yeah, Sandi is busy, take the hint!
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
You're playing mind games with yourself. As with just about every other man here, you want "an intimate relationship with a woman". Which will eventually lead to sex if you get it. And even if it doesnt, you're breaking your marriage vows, by pursuing an intimacy like that with a woman other than your wife. Your wife should be the person you are most intimately connected with. You are looking to replace the void of intimacy with your wife, with intimacy with someone else. Think about it, and where it leads.
