Thank you RealJourney.....I appreciate your post. I will have to read your stitch. How are things by now in your M? Well.....I'll catch up.
You asked about my H and what he is doing. Actutally.....nothing. He never has done anything and that is part of the "turn-off" for me. He is laid back and easy going....doesn't get into a big hurry to think, talk, or go into action. I don't mean that sarcastically....that is just the way he is. Totally opposite from me....of course. The books say that is why I was attracted to him. Whatever!
He has always been the "darling of the family"....the good guy in every situation. I, on the other hand, wasn't. In raising our two children, a boy and a girl, I had to be the one that spanked or used any kind of discipline.....not the good guy...heaven forbid. When the kids were little and got sick?.....well, I would hold them down to force the medicine down them......do you think he would do that? Not on your life....and I was a bad mother when I did it. But, that was the difference in how we saw things. I wanted my kids to get well and knew they had to take the bad tasting medicine.....as they got older, however, I was still the one having to give them the discipline.
In reading my story, if you read most of it, you probably saw where I talked about how I was the one that always did the fun things to keep the excitment in the marriage. Women my age, back then, were taught this. We were taught that it was all up to us to keep our husbands interested in us and so they would not turn to other women. We had to make coming home so much "fun" that they wouldn't think of going anywhere else! BS! It didn't keep him from going to his Mama's every day straight from work....before he came home to his sexy young wife and two little kids. (Yes, I was a sexy back then.) I tried everything I thought I could think up. I even wore "costumes" for his homecoming in the evenings. Sometimes, I planned something really farout and would plan for the kids to stay at the grandparents. He would come home and I may be cooking supper with nothing but an apron, beads, and high heels on. Or, I may have shorts and a halter top, and black fishnet hose.....just whatever I could think up, but I never dressed....indecent in front of the children. Sometimes, I would have something very plain on, but I would whisper to him that I wasn't wearing any underwear. (lol) Someone else on the board thought that was their idea.....but I had already tried it about 30 years ago.
Then one day, I had a cute little number on that I thought the kids wouldn't "catch on" but he would .... and then he told me that the kids shouldn't see me dress like that....they wouldn't "understand"....that it would "blow their minds". What the.....? Well, it embarrased the devil out of me, so I stopped.....until a few years later I thought I would get up my courage to try it again. (Oh fool that I was!) One day, nobody was home but the two of us and both the kids were in school. So, I put on a see through sexy nitie and high heel shoes and paraded all around him while he sit at the kitchen table reading. He never said a word amd pretended not to see me. So, I got a cup of coffee and sit down at the opposite end of the table. Finally, he said I should put some clothes on before a neighbor came up to the house and saw me through the window! That was the last time I tried any so-called "costumes" to wear for him to "be sexy".
Oh, I tried all kinds of things.....like after Christmas one year, and the family relatives had gone home (this was after our kids were grown and had left home) and I went in and wrapped myself in gold Christmas tensil that covered just the "right spots". I looked kind of cute if I do say so myself! Than I asked him if he was ready for his gift? Oh well, I could go on for hours about things I used to do. But, he never did one thing to help initiate a thing. His only idea he could come up with was to go out to eat dinner and then go have sex. Big deal! If we got in a "rut" or had a fight....then it was go to another town and go eat dinner and go to a motel and have sex.....same thing....just a different location. Just once, I would have flipped my wig, (as they use to say), if he had just come in with some bright fun idea for us to do! God, we never even with to the movies! All he ever wanted to do was go to his mother's house or to sit and watch TV. Oh, yeah, and have sex all the time whenever I would let him.
For very brief periods of time in our M, we would have a couple as "friends". We never went anywhere or did much except maybe eat there and then have them over somethimes. Of course, we had very little money to spend and that kept us pulled down a lot, but if you have a little imagination.....you can have fun without too much money. He never enjoyed any kind of sports, hobbies, games.....nothing. I used to love everything! But, now, I don't want to do anything.
I guess you can tell that when I start remembering back on our M that it just makes me mad all over again. Sorry, but I know I am resentful. It does still make me mad at times. I don't know what to do about that. I know.....I know....I need to forgive him and all that stuff. I have......or at least I think I have and then it rises up years later....like NOW! I am experiencing anger, lately, that I thought was gone years ago!
You know what gets me? He feels like he has been done so badly. In other words, what I mean by that is that b/c I was "frigid" and did not want to always give him "some" (God, I hate that expression he always used!)....well, anyway, he feels like he was mistreated or he "missed out" on ......whatever. I finally took all I could one night and exploded. I told him, "What are you complaining about? At least YOU always had a climax....that is more than I ever got!" That was mean of me....I know....it was curel...but I had just took that for so many years until I couldn't stand it anymore.
Maybe I had something similiar to what you said. I thought maybe God had finally "fixed" me b/c I had begged Him (God) for years to do something to help me! Anyway, I had surgery and had a hysterectomy and finally was beginning to feel like a human being after 24 years of terrible endrometri.....(oh-- ever how you finish spelling it)(felt like having child birth every month)anyway...... and I thought that I might actually have normal sexual feelings! Yeah! (I thought) Well, guess what happens to Mr. "I want sex 24/7"? He couldn't get it up! And, after about the second time he tried that he couldn't get it up....he just stopped coming to my bedroom.....not a word....nothing. So, how's that for irony? You know what that is called? Impotency? Nope.....it is a male being frigid! Oh, people everywhere have all kinds of sympathy for men that have impotency problems, but give hell to women that are frigid. Well, tell me what the difference is? The only difference in the world is one.....the man can't "fake it" like a woman can. B/C he has to get something up to work and she doesn't.....but inside....where the heart is...it is all the same thing.
There was another problem. All of our married life I begged him to please just go to bed with me and then if he wanted to get up and watch TV all night....that was fine....but I really needed him to hold me and just "talk" to me (that was the bad word I must have used....the "t" word). You see, that was what I needed to fill my emotional needs at the time. But he never, ever, compromised.......never. I even told him that it would lead to sex, if he would just talk to me.......please! But, unless he wanted sex, he never went to bed with me at the same time. Then, we had sex and he got back up. One time I told him to just leave the $2 on the dresser on his way out. He even had the nerve to start telling me "thank you" after we finished and he would start to go back and watch TV. Can you believe it? That made me feel more like a prostitute!
So, if I sound a little more than just "bitter"......I hope you can understand. The last time he touched me intimately was March 1996. I was 49 years old. But guess what? He had stopped even sharing the same bedroom with me back almost ten years before that time in 1996. When I asked him about it, he used some lame excuse that just didn't measure up. I figured he just rather fall asleep on the couch watching TV than to sleep in the same bed with his wife.
After he couldn't "perform" that couple of times, I think he blamed me for that also. You know.....if you don't use it "enough"...you loose it. I heard it for the entire time we were married up until 1996 and frankly my dear....I didn't want to hear it any more, so I didn't talk about it.
Want to hear something else ironic? After he found out about the OM.....he informs me that he CAN still get it up! How interesting. He also tells me how that I have committed adultry in my heart, etc. Well, I have to deal with that, but I feel like if my emotional needs had been met a long time ago.....his physical needs would have been met and than years later maybe I would not have been so desperate for male attention that I would have gotten on line and started flirting with strangers. But, we could play the "blame game" all day and it wouldn't solve our problems. I only said that to say this.....that it took both of us to make this marriage have problems and I refuse to take the entire blame. However....and brace youself for this......he said he has tried as hard as he knows how and nothing seems to satisfy me.....what the.....? (Is he kidding me? This is from a man that hardly goes to work any more?) (Another story another time) And...he doesn't see ANYTHING he has done wrong! So, being a woman, I'm sure you can identify with just how much that makes me want to jump in bed and have sex with him.
Boy oh boy......have I done some major venting or what????
My friend.....which I will answer his response in a moment (lol) said that I told my H something that was very hard on a man. I told him that I did not know if I would ever want to have sex with him again. (ahh......not my friend...my husband.) So, it was during one of our rare talk times and I was crying my eyes out and talking about my great sin with the OM, etc.......anyway, he didn't say anything.
I know the male ego is fragile. Oh boy do I know! I figure I have probably tested my man's ego to the limit. And, I think if he would give you his story it would probably sound somewhat different than my side. Isn't that usually the case? But, it has done a number on me too....don't think it hasn't! I was on so many meds until I didn't know if I was coming or going. I am still on pain medication, but I am not on any anti-depression meds at all. If I can get by without them....I will not go that route again. They work for some people, and I think some folk sould take them, but I don't think I'm one of them.
BYW, Sweetie, what was your original question? (lol)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow. In hearing your story... I'm wondering... in the face of all of the wonderful, mighty, good things that you do... because that is what good mothers and good wives do... and of course, you do not get credit for any of it... goodness, goodness... what does your H do, that is good... ?
Hi Sandi, it's too bad you couldn't think of too much to say,lol.
I know firsthand how the hurts and disappointments in a long standing marriage just keep accumulating. Like in your marriage, my H and I never seemed to be able to get on the same page at the same time. And as much as you want to ditch the resentment, it still creeps in and sometimes take over.
You can't will away resentment. The only cure is to get yourself in a happier space...then the hurts of the past no longer have the same power over you. It really is an amazing thing.
The way my marriage got better is that it really crashed and burned, and we both decided to pick up the pieces and start over. I don't recommend this route,lol, but I seem to have to do things the hard way. Your H is still holding on to hurt and fear, and remains stuck in the old pattern. My guess is that you are going to have to rattle his cage some more at some point.
Currently, are you and H talking about the sex issue? Are you in any form of counseling? Bring us up to date...what is going on now?
OMG, I hope I did not come across as sounding like a saint. The Lord and eveyone else on here knows better than that. What does my H do that is good? Well, for one thing he, himself, is a good moral person. I can tell you more things he doesn't do than he does do....lol. He is also a Christian, which if he wasn't he would not have stayed with me....so I am thankful for that also. He is good to me in that when I am sick (with the Fibromyalgia problems, etc.) he helps out around the house. He can cook better than me, wash, everything that involves housekeeping. He would have made a good wife...lol. In fact, he doesn't mind that type of work, but it takes him all day to do what I can do in thirty minutes. He has a forgiving heart...again he would have in order to to live with me all these years. I know he loves me more than anyone else unless it would be my mother and children.
I am so sorry that I left the impression that he was a terrible good for nothing person while I was basking in all the glory. I have been doing a lot of venting the past few weeks....that's for sure. I am resentful and angry and I'm not very nice when I get like that.
I think our town/community sees us as "good people" and they think we have a very successful marriage. Some even think we are the "perfect couple". Well, it would hurt to disappoint them....and they would be, for sure. I hurt my own children so much when I told them that their dad and I were having problems. If you've read my entire story, then you know my grown D read my IM to the OM on line. I wanted to die when she told me. I truly wanted the earth to open up and just swallow me up so I would not have to look into her face. So, no, I'm not a good person. I sinned and fell from God's grace. But, in His mercy He has forgiven me. And my huband......amazingly he has forgiven me also. Which I have told several times before. I am new only to this forum.
I was in a couple of other forums. Went to "Piecing", but a couple from SSM encouraged me to come here, so I think I probably need to be here since that is where our largest problem lies.
I am frustrated and I don't have any desire for my H......and yes, I get mad all over again and vent. I hope that you all can say something to me that will help me. And, if I say things that sound too harsh.....it is b/c of my frustration, resentment, etc., etc., etc. If I sound like I'm being the "good guy" in my stitich.....believe me...I'm not, but I am mostly trying to just "talk it out".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't care what I think of you. I don't care what I think about your H. I don't care what I think about your sitch. I don't care what your town thinks about you, your H, or your sitch.
What I care, very much about, is what YOU think of it. Because... that is all that matters.
I am frustrated and I don't have any desire for my H......
STOP. You are frustrated. Yes. You are frustrated that you have not found a workable answer, yes. You are NOT frustrated with your H. STOP blaming HIM for your frustration. K?
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and yes, I get mad all over again and vent.
Venting is good. Vent here. And say... "Okay, I am VENTING..." so we know.
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I hope that you all can say something to me that will help me.
If you can hear... you can be helped.
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And, if I say things that sound too harsh
It is because you feel frustrated. Period. No one's fault.
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If I sound like I'm being the "good guy" in my stitich.....believe me...I'm not, but I am mostly trying to just "talk it out".
Nod. I get this. I get this.
Now. Vent. One thing.
Another. Talk it Out.
Another. Decide what to do.
Another. Do it.
Another. See how it goes.
Another. Process.
Another. Evaluate.
Another... start again. With another load of laundry. Get it?
From Sweetie to Mister man? Wow, a fall from graces!
My W only paid for groceries and school supplies, so the money she was making was decent, but how much money do you need to make to cover the grocery bill? How about a mortgage, electric, land line, cell phones, 2 car payments, medical insurance, car insurance, life insurance, cable, water, entertainment, vacations, and now I have child support and the groceries too, etc. etc. etc...you get my drift.
I haven't asked the bank teller out yet, maybe tomorrow, and she could say no! I just changed my message on my answering machine, which was my wifes voice until tonight, a subtle change, but a step forward.
What have you been doing in your sitch? You mentioned don't drink and have sex, that just might be your icebreaker, kill a bottle of red wine and go jump in the sack with him. Whats the worst that can happen? I think it's worth a try, break down inhibitions, break the ice. Look where it got me, lol!
I don't have much news to tell you, or advice to ask, I think I am really feeling betrayed these days. I've only read a couple of chapters of DR this time, I just don't feel up to trying because I'm not getting any signs from my W, she's pleasant but distant, not much to say to each other, like talking to a stranger, I'm just not comfortable with my W anymore.
I hope you figure your R out, I hope you don't sit around and watch another year go by. I hope you go for it. From what you say, your H is stuck in a rut, get him unstuck by whatever means you can. I love reading about couples who figure it out and get a 2nd chance, I know you can do it, and you deserve to spend the rest of your married life in married bliss. Just do it.
Mister Man!
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
You know, some folk click on here and that is what I have felt with you and I'm glad we can talk to each other.....and maybe, who knows, we might be able to say something to help ourselves, each other.....and perhaps somebody that will read this that we don't even know b/c they don't say anything....they just read and learn.
What have I done positive today? Well, I cooked supper again! Hey.....three times in four days is a record for me compared to what I've been doing this past ten months. Oh Lordy......ten months....it feels like years. (But I don't want to talk about that right now.)
The best positive thing I've done was just a few minutes ago. I realized that out of all the books I've been ordering.....I have not ordered Michelle's book on the SSM. So, I just did that. I guess the reason I didn't at the very beginning of coming to the board was I thought I had probably already read anything that was in the book. Remember, I've been reading books for a long time. If only I would do everything I read.....and if only I could just REMEMBER everything I read! But, I am trying not to give up.....I don't want that kind of R. I am going to try my best to get the right mind set and work on myself.
My H is in a rut.....but I accept the fact that I help place him in that rut. Plus.....remember, I told him to back away and leave me alone, so he is respecting that request. I am sure he is afraid to do much of anything to rock the boat at this point. I know that I have got to be the one to make the first move.....doesn't matter if I have the "feelings" or not. So, I am hoping that with Michelle's book plus all this other stuff I am still reading that I will get what I need in my soul to get "moving" again.
In regard to you changing your phone voice message.....that was a good thing. You should have already done that. I bet when your W calls and gets that message it will get her wheels to spinning. Now, I didn't say that to get you grabbing at straws again....ok? You are moving ahead...."as if" she may not be a part of your life. You are GAL! She is going to see that you are GAL and moving on .....possibly without her. Just keep working on yourself, "sweetie". (lol)
I will be dying to hear if you ask the bank teller out and I will want "details".....lol. BTW, you may want to talk to some guy friend that has been this route....you know, starting the dating scene over again. Another thought here too is that when you are on a date with somebody else (especially the first time)...don't be surprised if your mind keeps trying to go back to your W. Don't be surprised at anything!
Good golly, I've got to get in the bed! I've been on this board too long tonight.
Have a good day tomorrow and let me hear how you are doing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You know, some folk click on here and that is what I have felt with you and I'm glad we can talk to each other.....and maybe, who knows, we might be able to say something to help ourselves, each other.....and perhaps somebody that will read this that we don't even know b/c they don't say anything....they just read and learn.
What have I done positive today? Well, I cooked supper again! Hey.....three times in four days is a record for me compared to what I've been doing this past ten months. Oh Lordy......ten months....it feels like years. (But I don't want to talk about that right now.)
The best positive thing I've done was just a few minutes ago. I realized that out of all the books I've been ordering.....I have not ordered Michelle's book on the SSM. So, I just did that. I guess the reason I didn't at the very beginning of coming to the board was I thought I had probably already read anything that was in the book. Remember, I've been reading books for a long time. If only I would do everything I read.....and if only I could just REMEMBER everything I read! But, I am trying not to give up.....I don't want that kind of R. I am going to try my best to get the right mind set and work on myself.
My H is in a rut.....but I accept the fact that I help place him in that rut. Plus.....remember, I told him to back away and leave me alone, so he is respecting that request. I am sure he is afraid to do much of anything to rock the boat at this point. I know that I have got to be the one to make the first move.....doesn't matter if I have the "feelings" or not. So, I am hoping that with Michelle's book plus all this other stuff I am still reading that I will get what I need in my soul to get "moving" again.
In regard to you changing your phone voice message.....that was a good thing. You should have already done that. I bet when your W calls and gets that message it will get her wheels to spinning. Now, I didn't say that to get you grabbing at straws again....ok? You are moving ahead...."as if" she may not be a part of your life. You are GAL! She is going to see that you are GAL and moving on .....possibly without her. Just keep working on yourself, "sweetie". (lol)
I will be dying to hear if you ask the bank teller out and I will want "details".....lol. BTW, you may want to talk to some guy friend that has been this route....you know, starting the dating scene over again. Another thought here too is that when you are on a date with somebody else (especially the first time)...don't be surprised if your mind keeps trying to go back to your W. Don't be surprised at anything!
Good golly, I've got to get in the bed! I've been on this board too long tonight.
Have a good day tomorrow and let me hear how you are doing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow. In hearing your story... I'm wondering... in the face of all of the wonderful, mighty, good things that you do... because that is what good mothers and good wives do... and of course, you do not get credit for any of it... goodness, goodness... what does your H do, that is good... ?
Corri
Guess I didn't answer your question very well. I was just trying to make things more clear.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
