Okay, think I got it this time, so here is my original thread if anyone is interested. I appeciate all the sweets things you (my new friends over here in SSM)have been saying.
Welcome aboard Sandi. I think you will learn a lot on this forum. I think it's great you uncovered your sensuality...now to bridge those feelings to your H, that is a big step. A day at a time.
Oh God.....a "recap"! Well, ok, here goes. I thought I may be having a MLC b/c I had all the signs....only thing was I was about to turn 60, so that seem to be a bit old for mid-life. However, my M was in trouble. We had not had sex in eleven years and I was very lonely. Even though I had never had a problem with "age" like some women do....suddenly here I was turning 60 and boy did it hit me hard! It's a long story, but you can read my threads, if you want details (lol), but I fell into playing the on-line games where you can chat with the players. Men would flirt with me... and at first, of course, I wouldn't do that b/c I was too much of a lady....and a married one at that. But I finally began to flirt back....but guess what? It was fun! Then they (some of the men I flirted with) wanted more than just to play the games....they wanted to get on my "friends list" so we could IM. Especially when they discovered I had a web cam....they were very interested in seeing what I looked like. Well (of course) they would always act shocked that I was so "beautiful"! (fool) Anyway eventually I got on an adult friends chat line and the rest of the story gets ugly. However, through some great guidance from people here....I discovered that was my "drug of choice".
I was so stupid and so careless about my on-line contacts and conversations that my H and my grown D (and maybe my grandson) found my messages! I would even write short romance stories....even using my name for the female character....and it would be packed full of sexual content. Well, that was found by them also. My H does not know that my D found them. But, she finally told me that she knew before he did. I can tell you that I truly wanted to die!!!
When H finally confronted me about it and demanded I delete everything and everyone....and everything WOULD be over.....(or so he thought)....it got into high gear. I did delete everyone....except one man. Out of rebellion toward my H, my depression, my health issues.....and hundred other reasons.....I went into a full blown EA with the OM on-line (that I had failed to delete from my friends list). Let me tell you the OM was good! He fed my ego everything it wanted to hear. I felt great.....in some ways. Started looking pretty darn good too! But in other ways.....I felt awful. I think the word "hell" comes to mind.
Things got really bad and I was ready to walk away from 41 years of marriage! My H did all the wrong things that most S do when they are clinging to the one that is wanting to leave. If I had had the money to make it on my own....I would have walked out. I did not want to move in with my mother, but I would have--if my H had not backed away when he did and give me the space he did. That was the only thing that saved me from walking out the door! Well....that and the fact I found this board. I got some great help from very caring people here. I was reading everything on this board.....and plus other web sites.....buying books, tapes, etc. In other words.....took a big crash course.
So now, we are back to where the MR was before I started playing the games and that whole scene. BTW, I did tell the OM good-bye...but I was so close to having a PA with him that we had made plans to meet....when, where, etc. I am just so very thankful that it never got to that stage, b/c I think my M would surely be over now and and a lot more damage done than ever.
My H has been able to forgive me and we are back to where our "normal" was. However, I don't want that "normal" b/c that is why I got into trouble in the first place. I don't want to settle for that. But, my problem is---that I don't have any sexual desire for my H. He wants me, but he has not slept in the same bedroom with me in 22 years and has not had sex with me in 11 years. He waits for me to make the moves....and I can't.....or I should say....I won't do it. I care deeply about him and love him the way I would love another member of my family.....but don't feel in love with him and don't want to have sex with him.
It has been an on-going problem all our married life. He has always blamed me for being frigid and for "rejecting" him when he would try to have sex with me. I admit that most every time that I did feel "turned off" by him. So, I thought something was very wrong with me. Now, I am not gay! I like men. So, that is not the problem. I just never got the hots for my H. I went for years thinking that something was adnormal about me when I would read books and see movies about other women. I never felt anything like they did! I never had a climax with my H. Had to read about what to do to give myself one in order to experience it. Then I was hooked! I loved it! Would have loved having one with my H. BTW, I was very sheltered growing up and never even masterbated before I got married....much less have sex before M. I barely knew the facts of life enough to have sex on our wedding night!
I prayed for years and years that God would just "fix me" so I could be a good wife to my H. He was a good man and deserved to have a good, loving, sexy W in return. About the time I felt like that just might actually happen.....my H suddenly stopped having sex with me.....without one word of explanation. I thought it was b/c he could no longer "get it up" and did not want to put pressure on him......and besides he blamed me for his "problem" b/c he didn't get it enough was why he couldn't get it up anymore. (Wheeee.....now I'm out of breath!) So, we have gone all these years without sex and it isn't getting any better (and we're not getting any younger...if you know what I mean).
My feelings for him are resentful and I have days that I am very angry toward him......and not sure why. I still feel very turned off by him. He is not bad looking, has a good personality, very clean, etc. But, we are like you see couples that have been married a long time and it seems like everything about the one mate irritates the other mate. We get on each other's nerves! We had gotten where we fussed quite a bit before the on-line EA. We don't do that anymore.
I don't want to live out my years in a R like that. He won't go to C. We go to church, and go to work, and go to a few family get togethers....and that is our life. Very boring to tell you the truth. Boredom got me into trouble.
BTW, I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. That probably doesn't mean much to anyone unless they or a family member has it. It is very painful and limits your activities. Depression goes hand in hand with it and getting up and going to work every morning is a challenge.
Well, I feel like I have told this in a choppy style and I am sorry if it doesn't make much sense to you. I welcome any suggestions or even questions. That is why I'm here in SSM. I don't want my R to be this way. I want to feel desire for my H, but I can't seem to force it to happen. I know the books say to just "do it anyway" but I can't seem to be able to do that.
I think I am okay with the "age" thing now. Apparently the MLC didn't last long (thank God). I didn't have the energy to fight it anyway....lol.
I have not heard from any women my age. A few men have told me they were in their 60's. If there are any folks around this age or have been married this long....it sure would help to hear how you are coping with any like manner problems. Heck, it doesn't matter about the age. It is just that I feel like the oldest person on here....lol. But you know what? Over my life.....age never made any difference in my friendships. I've had friends that were 20 years older than me and 20 years younger. Isn't that great? However, somewhere through my depression.....and lack of interest in life and health problems, I don't feel like I have any friends left....you know...the "running buddy" type of friends. Nobody to go have a good time with. So, you all are my friends now. Oh Lordy.....welcome to my pity party I'm having.
Okay, that must be a sign to shut up for a while and get a grip. Come talk to me.....
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, How are you? My WAW also "suffers" from a LD. While like most men, mine is a HD. I guess it doesn't matter much though, since neither one of us is gettin' any!
I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, but I really seem to be looking for someone to date, I'm no expert, but I think that just might screw up my DBing, lol.
I just took out Divorce Remedy AGAIN at the library, I haven't started reading it yet, but I thought I need to do something to jump start my poor view of my family life right now, my S is with his mom this week, and once again I miss them terribly.
I know you and your H are not in a good place right now, but I'm not sure if it's any consolation, you have each other under the same roof, you have an oppurtunity to make things better right away, I hope you don't waste your chance. You are a very bright woman, with plenty of knowledge for the rest of us, use that knowledge and advice to improve your sitch.
My W called me yesterday to ask "My advice" on how to clean her pool, I looked something up online and told her, I'm not sure if I should make anything of that or not. I grab at straws don't I?
I'm thinking about my W and I'm thinking about the bank teller I saw on Friday, I'm not sure if she is married, I might ask her tomorrow, how's that for a DB technique? I have not been with another woman for 17 years, but I'm thinking more and more about it, I'm growing tired of being alone.
Sandi, I hope you feel better today. Take care of yourself.
GG
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
Yes, you do grab at straws.....but she may actually be throwing one out there to see if you take the bait. Be careful. If you decide to "go dark" or just back off.....you can't be helping her with her pool, etc. WAW's can't have their cake and eat it too! They have to understand that is part of the consequences of leaving the H.
Instead of you looking up the "how to" on-line about the pool, remind her that she will have to take care of it......now. Remember, she removed herself from your care ...by her own free will. I keep telling you this so you will stop feeling responsible for her. Of course, that is up to you.....if you want to keep that type of communication line going or not. I just hate to see men "used" by their WAW. Like I told you before....if you had left her, then I would see it differently. But, as long as you support your child, I don't see that you owe her anything. That may sound curel, but they must wake-up to the reality of it and it won't happen as long as you make her life "easy" for her. You know what I mean by that, don't you? She is not defensless.....don't think that for a minute. Maybe a few decades ago, but not in this day and age. What would she do if you weren't here? She would find a way to get her pool cleaned! So, look at it with wishful eyes....and keep hoping that she will wake up. But sweetie, I don't think she will as long as you are so "available" to her. She is used to having you be her "fixer" and it's time she finds out that you aren't there everytime she crooks her little finger.
That leads me to the other subject of the OW at the bank. Hummmm. Well, just be very careful. You are vulnerable. Very much so! You could rebound so easily. Your ego needs a woman...your emotions needs a woman....and your body needs a woman. But I think your wife still has your heart. So, be careful.
It would scare me to death to get back out in the "dating scene" again. I think to ask for a date is almost like asking to have sex these days! But.....on the other hand, I would like to think there are a few good women still out there in the world. If your wife doesn't come to her senses and you decide to move on with your life....look for that good woman and don't get in a hurry....and for God's sake, don't get into trouble with one (and these days...that "trouble" could be a lot of things). I sound like your mother, don't I? (lol)
I'm sure you have thought of the possibility of getting "involved" with OW and about that time your W comes wakes up to what she has done and wants to work things out with you. What would you do? You know, most people say that is what happens. By the time the WAS comes to their senses, the LBS has moved on to somebody else.
This may be cold hearted in me.....but I'm going to say it anyway. Now, first, I'm for working a M out if possilbe. But, sweetie, life is short and I hate to see anyone hurting and withering away for a WAS that isn't going to share their life with them. If.....If you truly can get over her and fall in love with another woman and be happy, then I would work on trying to move on. However, be sure you are over her before getting into another R. That can be tricky. The heart is deceitful sometimes. Our heart wants to be "in-love". Believe me....I know.
Let me know how it is going.
I am feeling better today. Thanks for asking. Oh (lol) my chair fell over backwards today at the office. The wheels on my desk chair got caught on the edge of the hard mat on the floor in front of my computer and over it went and spilled me out on the floor....hahaha. What a sight I must have been! I wasn't hurt, but, I may not be able to get out of bed in the morning.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, What an interesting story! There were many parts I could relate to, as I had been sexually shut down and depressed for most of my marriage ( how attractive)! Then at 40 or so, I had this sexual awakening...all the feelings came flooding back...it was if the switch were suddenly placed in the " on" position...and it felt wonderful, but out of control as well.
My sitch differs from yours in that as I tried to get my H aboard, he was resistant ( well that part is the same). I did a lot of reading and found my way to this board. That was 3 yrs ago. What I didn't know was that my H had become entangled with OW at work, first emotionally, and then physically. I don't have too many details ( my choice) but apparently she wa the prototypical " damsel in distress" and he was, at that point, the big man on campus.
But enough about me. The hard part of the journey is doing the work to reconnect to your spouse. Both people, in my mind, have to have the motivation to overcome the past and create something new. What is your H doing to address your newly uncovered desires/needs?
I admire your strength to pull away from the OW, BTW. I know that could not have been easy.
Hi Sweetie, I didn't really help my W with her pool, I have a real good friend who builds pools, and I think she wanted me to contact him about her problem, either way, she got it fixed and she hasn't contacted me since.
She can stand on her own two feet, always has. Except since our S was born, she has worked 15-20 hours a week, she paid for groceries and his school supplies, I covered the rest. Now she has a nice bank account and I have a house with a 30 year mortgage. Maybe some of that resentment is coming out, and that may be why my eyes are roaming?
I think about the things about her I don't like to rationalize my motives for moving on. She has left me TWICE in the last 5 years, the 1st time for 4 months. She has a LD, and sex is important to me, not that I'm hard done by, but I always have to initiate. She lives on the phone, helping every one of her friends and their problems, but won't try to fix our own, even though it affects our S as well.
I know what you mean that I need to be over her before moving on, and I know I'm not. But I am tired of her being in control, I feel it's time for me to step up and take over my future, and if that means a new woman, maybe thats best. If that wakes her up, so be it. I am too nice a person, father and mate to sit around and hope she see's the light.
I am for working out a M too or else I wouldn't be here everyday of the week, most days checking out advice multiple times a day, I read, read & read too, but I couldn't wait for years like some of these fine people do, only to realize, their spouse is not coming back. Read my qoute at the end of each post, "We're here for a good time, not a long time"! I've believed that saying for many years, why stop now?
Sandi, you are right, the heart is a tricky thing, because I know that later today or tomorrow or the next day, I may think of my W with a halo over her head and then a new R is out of the question. So I'll keep talking to you, for a womans perspective. My father always taught me that no matter ones profession, if they are older than you, they have experienced life and have knowledge and wisdom greater than yours.
I hope your back is okay, quit drinking at work, lol!
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
Hey, I like that dad of yours! And, if you had my job...you would drink too, smarty.....lol.
Well, ok, for the serious part. Hummmm......I think you are right. Serious enough for ya? I really do. I think since she has left you twice and you don't know that she wouldn't leave you again.....I would be just like you and think that it is time to start making plans for my life without her. The hard part will be to convince your heart of that. However, if you are at least getting in the mood to "look" at other women, then perhaps your heart will go along with the idea in time. You know, you can always just "date" without getting into a relationship. That is where I think (IMHO) a lot of people mess up is by rushing into things. You have been hurt very badly two times by the same woman, so you deserve to just try to have some fun for a while and enjoy life and not get into anything serious with anyone. Society used to think it was the females that was always wanting to rush into serious relationships and maybe that was true before the female population had their fair chance in the work force, but that is no longer the case with R. In today's world, the male is often times just as anxious to get serious way too quickly as any female. So my advice, again, is to go slowly and be very, very careful. Don't drink and drive.....and don't drink and have sex!
In the meantime, I am here whenever you need to talk. I may need to get your advice also, mister man.
BTW, that must have been some great paying part-time job that your wife had. Maybe it was like that ad I saw in our local classified section today. Wanted: Babysitter in (name of town) immediately......$700 a week. Must be some kind of bad kid for that price! (lol)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
