Almost a WAW

[thegoodfight]

What is the plan Sandi2? How are you going to accomplish it and when?

DomR You are right not only do you have to show us men, you also have to point it out numerous times. LOL.

Sandi2, if you get thoughts of the OM think about your H and family, about what you want to do with them. The security you can feel the love, watching your children grow up together. It worked for me, every now and then especially when I feel down, if it pops in there I kill it quickly. Overtime you will be able to also.

[Dom R]

Hey there Sandi...

Sounds like you are being very brave, and positive, compared to a few weeks ago.

Good Job!



I have a few words of what I hope will be encouragement for you:

First off, I think you are a Christian. So I will (re)mind you of something that He said, related to you saying the following:

BTW, I do know what to do that he likes........it is just that I can't seem to get the "want to". That is my main problem right now.

God call us to "love our neighbor" (and even more so, our spouses). But, He actually calls us to SHOW love, more than feel love. feeling love is good. but of the two, loving ACTIONS are the primary thing (initially anyway).
To take the extreme of enemies, He said "repay evil with good".
Not, "think nice thoughts about them." But actually DO GOOD. reguardless of how you feel about them.

You already started to Do Good, with your loving act of cooking for your H. That is so great!! I cant say enough of how wonderful it is, that you chose to take this step.

One thing that will help you with an actual "plan", is to not go too far, too fast. Dont fall into the "diet" trap, of going way overboard for a week, and then burning out. Eating nothing but celery for a week, is doomed to fail. So is making wellmeaning, but unrealistic plans like, "I'm going to cook for him every day!" Because you probably wont be able to stick to it, and then your H is going to be even more disappointed when it stops.

So, what you are doing now, sounds to be just right!
Little steps, that you can keep on doing. (for the rest of your lives together!)


PS: as far as his side, and words.. how do you like poetry?
Maybe you might ask him to pick a short romantic poem/sonnet and read one to you every once in a while.

[Dom R]

Now some cautionary words:

Would you believe that right now as I am sitting here writing this to you that my old flesh is crying out to me to contact the OM? Can you believe that?

Yes, I can.
and actually.. It is expected.
Please realise this, and, knowing this, prepare for it.

Various marital counsellors write that it is because of this sort of thing happening, that you should never ever talk to him again, for any reason. Just delete any emails from him, etc.

Beyond that... I think that those yearnings will mostly go away, when your husband starts meeting your "emotional needs".

This also means staying flexible about your expectations of him. I think you already agreed with what I was saying, but I'll just remind you
you WILL have to actually ask him, to hold you, in order to meet your "touch" needs.

And you WILL have to coach him, to meet your verbal affirmation needs!!!
Saying, "I don't want to have to tell him to tell me..." ...
"I might as well look in a mirror and tell myself!" ...
That's sabotaging your happiness.

HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR. HE IS NOT A MINDREADER.
(Nor is he verbally gifted. He's a Man. )

Lets put it this way:
if you want flowers from an average man, you have two choices:
1. tell him, "I'd really like flowers"
2. hope someone else tells him, "get your wife some flowers!!"
On valentine's day, you basically have "someone else telling him", through media advertising, etc.

Does that mean the flowers mean nothing, and you might have well sent them yourself?

It shouldnt. Because he still had a choice to send them or not. He chose to send them.

If you have to ask him to take out the trash, and he takes it out.. does it "not count" becuase you asked him? If you have to ask him to fix something.. does it "not count" because you asked him?

In the same way, when it comes to nice words to you, you have basically two choices:

1. ask for them yourself, and (for the first year, at least), tell him close to exactly what you'd like to hear
2. go hire/bribe/blackmail someone, to coach him to tell you stuff.

I'm deadly serious. No matter how much you wish for it, he is not going to turn into a poet, just because you'd like it.
He is not capable of that.
He needs help.

So get over yourself :P and help him.
Then be happy when he makes a choice to respond, and say things that you have told him make you happy.


If it helps any... i think it would be a concern, if you felt like he didnt mean it.
ie: telling someone, "tell me you love me every day", and every day, hearing in a monotone, "i.love.you.", doesnt do much good.

I'm guessing that it isnt actually the words themselves that mean so much to you, but rather, the sincerity behind them.
So, make sure that he understands to only say the stuff if he means it.
And then your job, is to focus on the fact that they may be your words, but it is his feelings behind them.

Sigh. more long stuff. should maybe put it in another post, but...

------------------------------------------------------



PS: try not to "force yourself" to do stuff that is intrinsically irritating to you. This is related to the sitcom stuff that you "forced yourself to watch". It's a bad idea to build up resentment towards your husband.
In my opinon, it's all about your state of mind about something, though.
Compare and contrast:

A) I'm going to sit here and watch these stupid things and pretend I'm enjoying myself... UGH I hate this.. that jerk had better appreciate what I'm doing for him!!!

B) I care about my husband, and I'd like for us to spend more time together. I guess I'll sit and watch some of those silly sitcoms with him right now. I'm glad they make him smile, and I'm glad to spend time with him.
It makes me happy, to make him happy.

(that last sentence is NOT to mean you should focus on only making him happy all the time. It's just to underscore the "joy of giving". The true spirit of giving a gift, is one of wanting to make the other person happy. If you're not doing something because you want to make him happy.. then it isnt a "gift" to him. It's something else)


I think you are doing great hang in there, have patience, and enjoy the positive things

[sandi2]

It's me again........

It has been suggested that I move over to the SSM forum. I almost did that before coming to "piecing". I think I will do that since my M certainly fits the "requirements".

So, if anyone is looking for me, that is where I'll be. I think I'll change my title up just a little to "I was almost a WAW". That let's everyone that I was the one who nearly walked away....not someone almost has one.

Come visit me there, but I hope I won't be over there too long...if you know what I mean.

[OG_Lou]

Sandi2.

We are too old to think about D, etc. I am too old to start over....too set in my ways, probably. Today I am discouraged and think nothing will change and that I will have to accept this to be like this the rest of my life. I will never know what it would have been like to have an exciting sex life with another man. I will have to "settle" for whatever is salvaged from this M and just try to throw myself into church work like I always did.....my entire life.

So, you are the oldest lady on the forum? Like you, I think I should be past all this stuff and not have to post on a M forum. Me 63, M 39 years.

Why Settle??

I read most of the thread and can relate to your situation and even your H’s actions/in actions. I can see why you gave the advice you did over on the SSM forum. My screen ID is DIY/Do it yourself, meaning I have to do it myself and not expect much help form anyone else.

Earlier in the thread, a woman said get a sexy nitie. I will disagree with her advice for different reasons. Maybe she and 25 other women have good intentions, which is everyone’s usual MO (good intentions) but sometimes intentions don’t work IRL. The SSM forum had a night wear thread and most of the guys said Victoria Secrets nities didn’t have effect on them. One guy said a cameo soft cotton top was his ultimate turn-on.

I will suggest smelling extra good over looking a certain way. I would rather have my W wear a large cotton T-shirt and smell good than a see-through or supposedly sexy nite time garment.

Smell and touch does more for me, especially when the light is low or when I am in darkness.

"settle" for whatever is salvaged from this M and just try to throw myself into church work like I always did.....my entire life

I work and my W=BB is retired. We had the “who cooks” problems too. I was doing most of the cooking and resented working all day and preparing the meals. It took a long time to convince BB that something simple was good enough.

If you can throw yourself into the church and you always have, I think that is why you are having some of your M problems. I know what it feels like to be 4th. Or 8th. on BB’s list. I will suggest doing more at home and putting the church activities 4th. or on hold for 6 months.

YES, Flylady. So glad you found that site. Several women and a few men have said the Flylady site helped them in various ways.

My comments are made with the intentions of helping and are not intended to be critical.

Reading your thread has given me some insights into my own M.

Lou

[sandi2]

Lou,

Thank you soooooo much! I value your words more than you will ever know. Find me over in SSM now, b/c I need help over there. Was getting more responses there anyway. Maybe you can help me where my H is concerned.

Yes, I know what you mean about the remark regarding the sexy nightgown. When you are young with a firm body.....well Victoria Secret may be the way to go, but now I think a soft cotton top works better too...lol. Besides, it is more comfortable (lol).

[sandi2]

DomR.....you crack me up! I mean that in a good way. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I needed that tonight. I always need that!!

Listen, you keep talking to me and helping me. I took you advice and moved over to SSM, so keep on keeping on.

BTW, I think you must know my H! You sure have his number! In all honesty......I think I have pulled him down so much. Bless his heart. He sure hasn't had much encouragement to say those sweet things I crave to hear.

I agree with everything you said and if it wasn't so late, I would respond a lot more, but I'll save it for another time.
Have a good evening.

[Dom R]

Just to "finish this thread off" ... :-)

I will suggest smelling extra good over looking a certain way. I would rather have my W wear a large cotton T-shirt and smell good than a see-through or supposedly sexy nite time garment.

Umm... that's you. you're a woman. men are different!
Women are known to be more scent-oriented than men.

it still matters to us, but not nearly as much as for a woman.
Just dressing in "a large cotton T shirt" is a major turn-OFF for most guys, I would think.

(unless it's a short one, and effectively becomes a peek-a-boo "short dress", i guess...)

The SSM forum had a night wear thread and most of the guys said Victoria Secrets nities didn’t have effect on them. One guy said a cameo soft cotton top was his ultimate turn-on.

i dunon whats up with them.. those guys are just weirdos!

Just kidding

I think that SOME of them, could be very appealing. It depends on you, your guy, and the specific "nitie" in question. Not everything looks good on every woman.. and different guys, will think different ones look good, on the same woman.

It also depends on just how turned on your guy already is. Sometimes, "slutty" is just what the dr. ordered ... but otherwise, just dressing "cute", and being(behaving) feminine, and snuggly, is the #1 turn-on, I think.

Smelling good while snuggling, "kicks it up a notch" but it's more the physical, than the olfactory, for men i think.

Oh. and your hair is really important to 95% of men too.

[AmyC]

Earlier in the thread, a woman said get a sexy nitie. I will disagree with her advice for different reasons

Try reading in context.
I wrote that specifically TO her and FOR her when she was talking about not feeling desireable, sexy...etc....because once she feels it with her BRAIN, it WILL radiate outwards.

This part is more about her than it is him and my first concern is how she feels about herself and since what she's been doing hasn't been ratcheting up her self-esteem, I suggested she try another approach.

When Sandi knows Sandi is beautiful and appealing, her husband will see her through new eyes as well, but this IS just one aspect of the relationship that needs tweaking...

[runningoutoftime]

Amy makes a good point. So much is psychological and acting it, living it and believing it is what creates it.