Almost a WAW

[sandi2]

Yeah, it is kind of crazy how we women think men should just "know" what we need and what to do without being told. i think it goes back to that thing we have .....like when reading those romantic books, watching the romantic fairy tale love stories......it is like we think it will be like that in real life and it just ain't-a-gonna-happen! We want it so badly....you know, to believe in the fairy tale that our hearts kind of rebell on us to have to tell the man what to do. I've heard women say, "Well, if I have to do that, it will take the magic away." .....What magic???? It is either tell them....or forget about it every happening....period...over and out! I wish it wasn't that way, but it is, so we might as well deal with the reality of it.

I have actually sit down and told my H what I told you about how I needed the compliments and assurance to boost my ego and keep me going. I've told him about the starving flower and water/sunshine and how I will wither, dry up and blow away without it instead of blooming like a beautiful rose. Oh, he agrees.....but yet he is still waiting on me to do all the work. I guess I just am going through this "resentment" stage b/c I have always had to be the one to show any "action" in our marriage and I'm tired. I would like to see him get off his duff and do something for a change.

Well, I really am too tired tonight to talk very long. I am going to bed and I will talk to you tomorrow. Maybe i'll be feeling much better and have more energy then. That is the key with me.....my energy level.

Have a good night.

[Dom R]

I've told him about the starving flower and water/sunshine and how I will wither, dry up and blow away without it instead of blooming like a beautiful rose.

oh dear. still too poetic (aka female )

If he's not doing it, then he still doesnt get it.
Or.. he just doesnt understand HOW to do it.
seriously.

I guess I just am going through this "resentment" stage b/c I have always had to be the one to show any "action" in our marriage and I'm tired. I would like to see him get off his duff and do something for a change.

I can understand this feeling. it can be very, very frustrating if you are faced with a spouse like this.
Wouldnt it be tragic, if it was a lack of understanding, rather than a lack of motivation/effort, though?

Some people truely are lazy like that. but others (particularly men) are either clueless, or forgetful.

Maybe you'd like to give your husband a "test", to figure out what his issues are in these areas.

Men are usually "left brained".. they do best with VERY SPECIFIC instructions..

So how about this: pick something that is Nice for you, Repeatable, and Explicitly describable. Then approach your husband with the following:

"Honey... I believe that you love me... but sometimes, I could use something kinda tangible, to reassure me about it. I could really use it on a regular basis. If I asked you to do something for me (every day/two/days, whatever), do you think you would do that for me?

This is really important to me.. it would mean a lot to me."

Then, if he agrees, or wants more detail first, say,

"I would really like you to:
[wash the dishes/ take out the garbage/ rub my toes/ wash my hair/ SOMETHING SPECIFIC]
every day for me. I know it sounds silly, but please trust me, that if you did this for me every day, it would make me feel more like you loved me and that I was important to you. Important enough to you every day, for you to do this for me every day.
Would you do that for me? please?"

(bat your eyes at him a bit, etc... )


Then see how he does. And see how that makes you feel about whether or nor his attitude is for you to "to do all the work".


I'm suggesting this, even though you specifically asked for compliments and assurance, because doing "compliments and assurance", for men, is really difficult !!!

It takes a lot of time, and practice, and stuff, for men to understand how to do it. (like.. years?)
But meanwhile, i'm sure you could benefit from some "right now" kind of feedback, that your husband really wants to try to do good things for you.
So i think the suggestion above, might help in that reguard.


Be prepared to remind him occasionally!!
Or, maybe "encourage" him to set up reminders for himself somehow. because what's more important to you: to test his MEMORY? or to test his willingness to "work on things" for you?


Hope this helps

[thegoodfight]

Sandi2,

You are beautiful and exciting, full of life let it out! Now go get your H. Show him love, give him time to forgive and you both will blossum together. Force yourself, take him shopping for nice clothes, treat him the way you want to be treated it takes time but I bet he will come around. You have to keep pounding until the wall cracks. As my son loves to say "you can do it daddy". He is 4. So I say you can do it Sandi2.

Sandi2 if I remember correctly right now it is up to you to do all the work. Not forever but right now it is! I am in the same boat, so get too it!

[Dom R]

treat him the way you want to be treated it takes time but I bet he will come around.

oooo.. nice sentiment.. but.. I have to say it.. probably wont work. Speaking as a man... Men are dumb

And besides which.. you need to treat him as HE wants to be treated, to motivate him to treat you like YOU want to be treated.
First, you have to figure out how he is different from you, and give him what HE wants. Then, you have to let him know, how your wants, are different from what he wants. 'cause he probably doesnt have a clue about that either.


Treating him the way you want to be treated, will just irritate him, if that's not an interest that he shares with you.

[sandi2]

This is very interesting. I agree with both of you. I have to tell you about my H. His love language is "deeds". He does things for me...like wash the dishes, etc. For years when he would do this, I felt like it was his way of saying that he didn't think I was doing a very good job as a housewife. In fact, I kind of resented it when he would do those things b/c I was taught from my mother that my housework was a reflection of me. So, I felt like a failure when he would do something I had left undone. He never said anything....being a man of few words. So I misunderstood for a long time.

"Words" are my love language and he doesn't do that very well. I starve for them! But, I am like those women I talked about....if I have to tell him to say the words to me...it looses the meaning! I don't want to have to tell him to tell me I am beautiful, smart and sexy! What good would it do for him to repeat my own words back at me? I did tell him that I needed compliments and reassurance. But....sorry....I'm just not going to tell him word for word what to say to me. I might as well look in a mirror and tell myself! I think AmyC had an idea along that line (lol).

My H and I are very different. I am a person of action. If I know the yard needs to be worked in......I get up early in the morning, get out there and start working in the yard!(or I use to when I was able to do that kind of work.) Now my H will have to drink about two pots of coffee and just LOOK at the yard through the window, as though he is studing the yard... for say.....ALL MORNING....before he finally gets his butt out the door. It drives me absolutely insane! How we have stayed together all these years is amazing to me. If he needs to go somewhere.....he will stand at the door between the front room and the kitchen, watching some stupid TV program he's not even interested in.....before he goes out the kitchen back door to the carport. He puts off doing every task to the very last minute. Know when he does his income taxes? The last day of the year........every single year! It drives me nuts! He is self employed and does not save any paper work to use for tax cuts, etc. Nothing! Our poor DIL had a baby in December and I told him not to do that to her this time.....wait til the last day of the year...(she is the only person he can get to do his taxes), but he did! BTW, I even told him I would be his "secretary" if he would just try to help me a little bit by giving me some papers......nope! Won't work. He isn't gonna do it. We end up owing IRS tons of money every year b/c of his ......well, what do you want to call it? I get mad just thinking about it. And, no, there is nothing I can do about it....I've tried. It is his business and he has to do the paper work....I can't. He never throws a piece of paper away.....except the ones he should save for tax purposes!

He saves every piece of junk he finds and brings it home and "dumps" in the back yard. It looks worse than Sanford & Son. I am so embarrased b/c our yard and house is the worse looking one in the neighborhood! We have had our worst fights over me throwing some of his junk away and cleaning up around the yard.

Now, this is the man that is always the "good guy" in every situation that comes along. Guess who the "bad guy" always is? You got it! I have faults and plenty of them......I'm sure he could list them quickly. But, my faults, of course, are completely opposite from his. (lol) That is what makes the world go around. However, it is these silly things we don't notice when we first meet, fall in love, and want to get married. How was I do know how he would keep our yard looking when we were dating? I'm sure it would not have mattered back then to me anyway. I probably would have thought...."Oh, all that will change after we get married." HA!

It is also these silly things that causes the wear & tear on relationships. I told him that I did not want us to become like some "old" couples that I have heard that yell at each other fussing and aguring over every little thing. We had almost reached that point.

So, I don't know.......we can read books, watch programs, listen to tapes, etc., but if our heart isn't in it....it just is not going to work out. You've got to have a lot of heart and (if you are married to a H like mine) a lot of patience and energy. My energy.....my "want to" ......is running low these days, so I need prayer and encouragement.

Thanks to you all for trying to help me. You have been so sweet to give me encouragement and advice. BTW, I do know what to do that he likes........it is just that I can't seem to get the "want to". That is my main problem right now.

I have been listening to "Light His Fire", which is very good, BTW, and it helps with other R's ....not just M. But, she mentioned that we should talk to our H's like we would someone we were having an affair with .....instead of being married to. Boy, did that get my attention. I know how I would have talked to the OM and I can tell you it would be with a different sounding tone of voice and most certainly different words and personality. So, you see, it all goes back to the "want to" in us. God, I need that "want to" so badly! I just can't seem to get the drive to make myself do it without the desire behind it.

I'm sorry for "dumping" on you today. Guess I just needed to vent. I am so tired at the end of a day I can barely do anything other than sit at this computer. Then, I usually fall into bed and sleep, get up and go to work, and do the same thing over again. I need to do something different. I need to do something just for fun.....but I don't know what it is and I don't have any energy. I tried going to town last Saturday, and had to turn around and come back home b/c I felt so badly. I had a rough weekend with my fibromyalgia. I think that has discouraged my H a lot more than he will admit. I have felt so bad for a long time and it has taken a toll on us in every way. I also have chronic fatigue.....but I believe some of that is mental discouragement and just plain old boredom. That is what got me into trouble to begin with......boredom. Not all of it is boredom, b/c there have been some things I really wanted to do.....like attend my granddaughter's K graduation and I wasn't physically able. I cried my eyes out. I have missed about every holiday or special occassion that has come around the past couple of years. I nearly lost my job b/c I missed so much work due to my condition. Thankfully, I have a boss that tries to be understanding of the situation. After a few times of missing out on eveything in life (or at least you feel like you are)...it is hard to fight the depression that tries to consume you.

I am not having a pity party.....even if it sounds like that. I am not using my physical condition as an excuse.....even if it may sound like I am. I am about to get use to people not understanding what it is like. But as with most conditions, we don't understand until we walk in the other person's shoes.

I have to talk about it sometimes to get it off my chest. I'm sorry if anyone gets tired of hearing about it. Maybe we should have a forum for people with physical problems along with M problems amd how to cope with it.

As long as I had the "want to" in my heart.....I was a tiger! I would fight for what I wanted and believed in. But now, I slowly feel the fight leaving my body.....and that kind of scares me. I don't want that to happen. I think people can beat diseases......and almost anything....if they have the "fight" and "want to" in them. That's what I want so badly...but it is like my body and heart just won't cooperate. By 3:00 every day my body is so drained I can't do anything. My poor H wouldn't know how to feel to come home to a cook meal anymore.

So, I am blessed that he is so kind and good to me and doesn't complain. A lot of men would have left me b/c they would have not put up with me not cooking, and a lot of other things some H's expect out of W's. He doesn't run around on me. He doesn't drink, gamble, go out with the boys.....nothing. (lol) He doesn't do anything! He DOES watch TV and go to church. That's about his life. I could have it much worse!

Well, I have burned your ears off long enough tonight. I promise not to do this every time!

Talk to me and tell me how you all are doing.

[sandi2]

I just have to say AmyC......you sure are good for this ole gal!

[sandi2]

Okay, guy and gals.........I have glanced back at some of your posts and my (ugh) posts......and ok! I am going to try something this weekend.....if God will help me!!!

I re-read what I wrote a few minutes ago and it just made me mad at myself! Here you all are trying your best to help me and I just keep putting the "poor me" excuses out there. So, I may not do much more than "bat my eyes" at him, but I'm going to do something positive....if it kills me! (lol)

[Aud31]

Hey Sandi--you go for it! What do you have to lose? Bat your eyes, get creative...good luck.

[AmyC]

Have you made a plan for the two of you and informed him of it yet?

Sandi: Your husband is of a different generation than these enlightened men here. It doesn't mean he can't change, just that he has to have his mind opened up and you're going to have to be the one to do it even if it requires a crowbar and the help of your adult children (I'll talk more about that later if something doesn't change soon).

Now make a plan and tell him to have his ass ready on time.




Amy

[sandi2]

Hi everyone. Hope you all had a good day. I think I will just start talking and see what rolls out.....that could be dangerous!

Okay.....I'm going to get my mind in a "planning mode" for something fun. I did something that was a very small baby step....and you girls have to do it all the time, so you don't think anything about it. As I told you, I have not been cooking to amount to anything in almost a year.....seriously! Anyway, Friday night when I said I was going to do something if only to "bat my eyes at him"....well, I got off the computer and went in the front room where he was watching TV and actually forced myself to sit through about three of those stupid sit-com shows. I laughed and played with our little dog and tried to appear that I was enjoying it. BTW, by playing with the little dog...she is like a kid and wants both of us loving on her at the same time....so I got her between me and H and was loving on her. At least we could use the dog as a "go between" if it felt uncomfortable.

Then Saturday I had made some plans, but it fell through b/c I was sick (again) ugh! It gets me down when I am sick several weekends in a row. However, I did cook a simple dinner and had on the stove when he came in from work. He doesn't usually work on Saturdays, but did this weekend. He almost fainted when he saw a home cooked meal. I wasn't able to do much of anything else yesterday, but then I got up early this morning (Sunday) in time to get something cooked before leaving for church. Two days in a row......yeah me! (lol) The main thing I want to work on this week while I'm getting my mind in a "planning mode" for some fun stuff....is to keep my words and tone of voice sweet sounding. As I have stated lately, I feel anger coming from somewhere. I don't like it, but it keeps trying to spring up and get away from me. I don't know anything that turns my H off worse or quicker than for me to have a bitter or sarcastic sounding voice. I remember him telling me once that the first thing that attracted him to me (besides my big boobs) was my sweet and care-free personality. (He said that I used to have one....really!) Well, he hasn't seen either of those things (boobs or sweet personality) in quite some time. At least, I can try to recapture the sweet personality. Man! Maybe I shouldn't have said that......I mean there is just so much I can do! Oh well....

I am almost leary about setting too large or too many goals b/c then I get sick and that gets me down really bad. So, I am going to "baby-step" again....like I tried last time. So tiny, but it must be important if he notices. Even if I just do one little bitty thing each day...that I would NOT have done otherwise....it would be better than nothing at all.

I learned through a web site called "Flylady" that so many of us gals were taught that if we couldn't clean house to perfection....you know that old saying, "if you can't do a job right, don't do it at all"?......well, we weren't taught right. A little bit is better than none. Incorrect house cleaning is better than none at all. So, I'm trying to overcome some of those things that have been a mind-set for many years. I have to since I don't have the physical energy to invest like I use to.

I am concerned about this anger in me. I think I've had it a long time.....probably years and years, but did not know how to channel it or get rid of it......heck, I don't even know what it is all about. I seem to feel a lot of anger toward men and especially my H. Down deep in my heart....and I don't want anyone to know this.....but,I don't think I've been a happy person in a very, very long time. In fact, I can't really remember the last time that I could say I truly was happy for any lenght of time. You can't hear me saying this, of course, but it would not be a pity party thing......I am just saying this as "a matter of fact", trying to sort things out as I journal tonight. I have learned to grab happiness in snatches when something happens that makes me laugh or "feels good" for the moment. I agree to a large degree that happiness is a choice. However, I believe there are certain forces in life that can rob us of happiness.....also. That is probably debatable, but then look at all of us on this board. We may learn to make the most of our situations, but are we as "happy" as we want to be?

Well, goodness, I'm just talking around in circles tonight, but not really accomplishing anything. I hope this will be a good week for all of you. I hope I can make it to work every day. That is the first goal I have to work toward......in order to keep my job.

Anyway, I want you, my friends, to make me accountable for something. Because I think I need that. Well, I know you can't "make" me....but you know what I mean. Get me to tell you what I am working toward......the "plan". Bug me about it until I do something. I have just sat around on my fanny and whinned about it, but I have the power to change things. No...I don't have the desire and that is the hardest thing in the world to force myself....but that is why I need you friends to help me out here. Will you do that for me?

Would you believe that right now as I am sitting here writing this to you that my old flesh is crying out to me to contact the OM? Can you believe that? It makes me so mad! I'm not going to do it, so it might as well give up. The warfare sure can get weary at times. But I have come here every night to read and post and it has helps to keep me on the straight and narrow, but I need to spend time doing other things, too. Since I don't have the energy at the end of the day to do what I would like to do, it is just so easy to sit here and do.....this. I think my H is beginning to get a little resentful of me spending so much time here, even though he just watches TV! You know what I mean.

Thanks for always listening.....at least I can't see the ones that don't (lol).