Almost a WAW

[GoodGuy]

I just spoke to that WAW and I asked her if it was her idea or our S idea to go out for our 2nd family night. (our 1st one was about 5 weeks ago).
She told me it's our S idea, she pressed him and he said he wants us to get back together, thats why he wants to go out.
Therefore she no longer wants to go out, she asked me how I felt and I just listened, listened and listened. I just agree.
I had to call her back 15 minutes later about an unrelated thing, and it sure sounded like she had been crying, I'm not sure what about though.
She is really starting to bug me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AmyC]

she asked me how I felt and I just listened, listened and listened. I just agree.

So why didn't you tell her how you felt when she asked and why do you agree with her if you actually don't?

Handling a WAW with kid gloves all the time isn't going to get you far.

[sandi2]

Sweetie Pie, if we ever have a bad day at the same time....God help everyone! What would you say if I said I agree with your post you sent me? Would you be surprised? Don't be. I just wished that more of the WAW's would come here, but for the most part....that is not what they are wanting....to salvage the M. They want to be free....that is their upmost desire. They want to be free of the spouse and the M. They want to be free to do whatever with whomever they choose. So, ever LBS has a reason to feel pissed when they HAVE tried and not succeeded in resolving the problems and getting their family back together. Both sides of the fense could point fingers at each other all day and nothing be accomplished, but somewhere somebody has got to do some forgiving and some changing. It gets mighty frustrating when you feel like you are the only one doing all of it.

What you said about your W's dad is so important. I will tell you what I told my son when they were expecting their first child and was told it was going to be a baby girl. "You will be her first love. The way you treat her and the way she sees you treat her mother will determine how she will feel toward other men in her lifetime." I believe that with all my heart. Little girls even learn to "flirt" and wrap their daddy's around their little finger at a very young age. They learn how to use their little female ways on their daddys. I said all that to say this, when you told me about your FIL....it told a lot about your wife! On top of all of what your FIL did wrong.....is how your wife's mother's attitude toward him has affected your poor wife. I know what I'm talking about here.

I have never told anyone on this board before, but I will tell you now. I think that in many ways the reason I had a problem with sex was my own mother's attitude toward it. While growing up and we would have our "mother-daughter" talks about the facts of life.....her bad attitude would always show through her talks. You see, she had a very, very bad experience while still young and she never got over it. Although she did not realize what she was doing....she was passing those same feelings down to me. I "think" I have over-come those feelings, but at the same time, I know that for some reason I don't want to have sex with my H. It isn't the "act" itself......I kind of like it (lol), so that is why I think it is the "relationship" I'm having the problem with. But, I know that a mother's attitude can influence a daughter more than anyone else in the world.

This is one of those days you are tired and feel like giving up. Try to hang on......b/c tomorrow may be my day.

[sandi2]

Bugging the heck out of ya, huh? Well, since you have a son together it is rather hard to distant yourself, but, you may want to work something out to see if you can limit the times you talk to her or actually lay eyes on her for a while. I know cases where the dad goes to pick up the child and dad sits in the car and waits for the child to get in and the mom never sticks her head out the door. What I'm trying to say is that a few days without contact may be the medicine you need now. It sounds like you may be on the verge of a big "blow-up" from stress building up inside of you. Maybe you should think about it.

[sandi2]

Dear thegoodfight,

Just read the post you had sent me.....again. I do that some nights....just go back over them so I will stay on the "straight & narrow". I don't think I really told you how much I appreciated what you had to say to me, but I do. I agree 100% with everything you said.

People that know me think I am a strong person.....spiritually speaking. Even my H thinks so, but what he doesn't seem to know is that I need a lot of encouragement.....in about every way a person could use it. I may even appear to have a lot of self-confidence, but I need to be given a certain amount of praise or compliments from my H to "bloom" like a rose. Whenever he critisizes me.....it is like I rebell.

Well, if I've learned one thing for sure.....I am very, very human! Yes, I messed up and yes I hurt my family.....but also God forgave me and my H has forgiven me. So, I am very blessed!

I recognize that old "tempter" and what he wants to do to me and my family. I have spent my life working in the Church and trying to serve the Lord. This time that I "fell" was a bugger!......but thank God for His Grace! And.....thank God for people like you for coming on here and giving us encouragement. I wouldn't blame every LBS for being bitter and feel resentment and even hate toward what has happen to them by their spouse. I have been blessed that so many of you have been kind to me in your words and your encouragement to me. I hope and pray that the experiences that you have had will not leave you bitter, cause that is not good for anyone to live like that. I made the statement last night, I think, that I did not want to live out my life a bitter and resentful old woman. I don't know anything that is much uglier than to see a woman like that!

So, with good folks like yourself here to keep on helping those of us that come here for our "dose of medicine" every night.....we will make it. We will keep trying and working it out and we won't end up bitter,hateful and resentful.

Thanks again, and please write whenever you can. I appreciate it.

[GoodGuy]

Amy & Sandi,
Thanks, I needed guidance. I guess I'm not in the disagreeing mood with my W right now Amy, I've been told a thousand times by successful DBers to just listen and agree (as long as it doesn't deeply affect anyone) so thats what I did. It's no big deal I guess that our family night is shot down, my W is disappointing my S as well as me, she's getting pretty good at doing that, in fact she's a pro.

Sandi, it's a good idea to avoid my W for a while, I've found that I feel better when I don't see her or talk to her for a few days, and I'd gotten away from that by answering the phone when I know it's her, and she usually does come out when I pick up my S every night at her house. (I still have a hard time saying "her house").

Yup, my W mom has in my opinion left scars on my W that will never be healed, not blatant ones, but down deep it's affected her view of men, the old "they only want one thing" syndrome.
My W does not open up to her father very well, they speak on the phone often (both her parents live in Wales) but it seems strained to me in a subtle way. Her mom always is smiling and laughing, but she has a sour view of men, and it comes out in between the phony laughter.
Why is it that MIL are such a pain in the ass in general?
I know there are exceptions to the rule, but truly, if you took a survey, most people would say they get along fine with their FIL, but their MIL is a hassle in some way, shape or form?

I think we are all affected by our upbringing in future years. My mom died when I was 14, my father raised me and my 2 brothers by himself (I have two sisters, but they were already married). So I'm sure that affects me somehow. My father remarried when he was 61 years old to a 26 year old, I'm sure that affects me somehow too. But I do know I would never hurt anyones feelings.

Sandi, I am tired and I do feel like giving up, but I won't b/c it's not the result I want. I beleive what's meant to be is meant to be, so I guess I just gotta see how this movie ends.

[sandi2]

Yes, you are tired and I know from my experiences that is not the time to try to make major decisions. But, I think the emotional and physical strain is taking a toll on you. You need a break. Perhaps you should consider what I suggested last time and tell your wife that you need to back away. She doesn't have to escort your son to the car when you pick him up or talk to you on the phone. She may leave a phone message, if necessary or email, etc. if she needs to contact you. There are ways to get around those conversations, but still need to have a way of contact for any emergency situation.....and just important things since the son is involved.

You would know how to approach this better than anyone else. You also know how she may react to it. Who knows, it may just make her sit up and take notice. I think if she did not see or talk to you....it would be good on both sides. It's hard to "go dark" when there is a child involved, but you certainly can work around seeing and talking to her. You may even have someone to act as a "go between" if you have to. But, not the son....he's already caught in the middle.

About MIL's.....yeah, mine was the MIL from hell! Of course, I am a wonderful MIL....just ask my son's wife! (lol) Seriously, she tells everyone that. But, I am very, very blessed to have her as my daughter-in-love (as I call her). I learned a lot from the MIL I had....by that I mean I learned what I did NOT want to be when it came my turn to be a MIL. So, I've tried real hard. I think the reason most people can get along with the FIL and why he gets away with being the "good guy" (in most cases....not all) is that women (mothers) get too involved with their children's personal lives after the kids grow up. Moms don't want to cut the apron strings and leave their kids to make their own decisions and mistakes. It's difficult, I know. But, I have tried extremely hard not to intrude into my grown children's business simply b/c of my experience with my MIL. I also learned from my folks b/c they were the type that did not tell me and my H how to live our lives and run our business. It's a good thing b/c we would have gone crazy and probably D if both sides of the family were telling us what to do and not do.

My heart goes out to you where the MIL is concerned.......I truly mean that. It can be hell on earth. It is just as bad when they are nothing but big phonies, too. Mothers have a big impact on our lives. Apparently, your dad did a great job raising his family. Speaking of my DIL, she came from a not-so-good home life. I really don't know how she came out with deep emotional scars.....and there may be some that I don't know about. However, in the past ten years that she has been my DIL, she has been so precious. So, people CAN overcome bad homes, bad parenting skills and divorces, etc. I think the death of a parent when you are a child is probably the worst of all.

How old were you when your dad married the young lady? Do you have a good relationship with your dad now?

Well, at least if you back away from your W.......that should include her mother as well (lol). That has got to help some!

Got to get back to work. Talk to ya later.

[GoodGuy]

Luckily, I never deal with my MIL except for her annual 3 week visit, and 3 or 4 minutes on the phone making small talk when my W lived with me. It's not that she is evil, she's actually a nice person, but she has filled my W with unpleasant male stereotypes.

My dad passed away 9 years ago, I was 16 years old when he remarried, his wife was only 10 years older than me, and younger than 3 of my 4 brothers and sisters! Weird huh? Maybe not for my dad though!

I might lay back a little from my W, let my S get the phone again like I did before. You know she hasn't been mean or anything, in fact she has been really nice and sweet. But she is making it painfully obvious that she has no intention of making this M work (at least at this point in time I tell myself).
I also keep telling myself she has only been out of the house since 6/29/07 (70 days but who's counting). But I also tell myself for 5 months prior to that she treated me like a disease.

Does a WAW ever think they are making a mistake? Does it ever cross their mind that the LBS may move on, and then any chance of reconcilliation will be lost? I seem to know so many couples that have broken up, some for over a year, only to get back together. I am trying to find out what is going through her mind on a daily basis. Does she miss what we had sometimes? Does she miss our S while he is with me? (even though she see's him everyday after school until I pick him up, so he spend 2 1/2 hours with her daily).

Lesson learned for today, back away from my WALK AWAY WIFE!!!!!
(I was yelling there, lol)

[Dom R]

Hey Sandi,
hope today is a better day for you.
Amy had some GREAT things to say to you! Totally listen to her


I have some extra things of my own:

Your feelings will always fluctuate. To make decisions solely based on "your feelings", is never a good idea. even mother theresa had "dark days", apparently.

If you "want to get excited about it"... you can. But here's the thing. it takes two:

One person, to say/do the things that make you feel good about things.
And one person (YOU!) to let that person know what to do/say to make you feel good.

If you figure out the things that make you feel good.. and you get your husband to do them for you.. it's practically guaranteed that you Will feel good

I think we know that one thing you need very much, is to be held.
So I hope you go ask your husband for that today.

I think some part of you is afraid that he will.

Dont be afraid any more.

[Dom R]

OOOoo! I just read this! Must comment!!

Even my H thinks so, but what he doesn't seem to know is that I need a lot of encouragement.....in about every way a person could use it. I may even appear to have a lot of self-confidence, but I need to be given a certain amount of praise or compliments from my H to "bloom" like a rose. Whenever he critisizes me.....it is like I rebell.

It is SO GOOD that you recognize this about yourself!!

Now, the most important thing that you can possibly do to your marriage is:

Tell your husband this!!!

lets take the guesswork out of this. it's not that he "doesnt seem to know". I can tell you right now: he has no idea

Tell him. Not in an offhand, "by the way" kinda way. but sit down with him, and dont get up until you are positive that he really understands how important this is to you.
And then be prepared to remind him occasionally

betcha this will help how you feel about him, if he follows through on it.

Some women have this bizzare attitude about their husbands, "Well, if he really loved me, he'd just KNOW to ...."
Well, if they really loved their husbands they'd tell him about it!