Havn't been here for awhile, update.

[Have Faith]

Glad to hear it.

Faith

[81388*]

Theo;
Check your Email.

Let me know what you think!

Peace brother,

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[81388*]

Update;

JC session went reasonably well. Had a funny moment when C was asking about our early relationship, and W and I just looked at each other a said "I don't remember, it was so long ago." C seems good, very focused on communication and behaviors and where they come from and how they are recieved. Perhaps a little too much "what happened in the past" for me, but I am sure that is part of the problem as well.

My wife had a chance to vent about a lot of things, and for the most part that was good, I continued to validate and be supportive, but at the same time was unsettled that she was still so focused on things that happened more then 20 years ago. At times is felt like she was still saying that she has known all along that it would never work. The other problem was that when the C asked what it was we were looking to accomplish, she sounded as though she was looking for someone else to tell her wether or not we had a chance. She did back track and say she was also hopeful that we could find a way forward together.

It seems like it is so fragile, and I have to continue to work at not walking on eggshells. I only called her on a few statements, along the lines of "I wouldn't agree with that, or I don't think I never,or always etc." For the most part I continued to smile and wave.

I am having trouble with OM issues, and don't lnow how hard to push. She has no contact other than work, had said she would discontinue that part of her job that brings her in contact with him, but has reversed course and decided she doesn't want to give up that part of what she does. There is still stuff at her place from him, and although it is boxed and out of the way it is still obvious and it is really hard to be there and not think about it. I would really love to just say get it out of here, but I am not sure that is the right move at this point. As for work, she has worked really hard to get where she is and I don't want to be the reason she can't do that, but at the same time it brings her in contact with OM and that just drives me crazy. Guess I sit on it awhile longer and see what develops.

Let me all know what you think.

[81388*]

Update cont.
After JC session wife pretty much distanced self, I just kept quiet and dark, tonight girls went to wife's house after cheerleading and I picked them up there. Kept it light and fun and wife asked me out on a date tommorrow night. She wanted to know if I would like to meet her in town to see a band. I told her it sounded like fun and was planning on going anyway, so give me a shout when you get done with work and I will meet you there.

The baby steps continue.

[Have Faith]

81388

It appears that things are least going in the right direction. As for the OP, until they are completely out of your S's lives, you can not trust that something will not happen.

My H and I were back together working on things, having a good time, enjoying each others company, but he had not given up the OW completely. He still went to the same gym that she goes to and was not in a place yet to share his e-mail account with me, but he was home and with me almost all of the time so I thought we were doing ok. Well, he was doing ok because he had me and her. He has since moved out (at my request) and I have begun detaching. He now seems more interested in me then ever. We still do things together and I make sure we have a good time, but I don't do them as much as I use to. My DB coach told me that I was too available and that I needed to have more quality time and less quantity time. It seems to be working. Don't know if this helps you or not. Just seems like the 180 really gets their attention.

Take care and hang in there.

Faith

[81388*]

Faith;
Thanks, it does help. The OM is way out of town, so no direct contact, phone possibly, but I doubt it. The job thing would be direct contact over several days at least twice a year.

We are still separated and she has not made any move towards coming home.

I think the thing that upsets me the most is that there is no consideration for me and how much she knows it hurts to have to think about her spending anytime at all around OM. Even a discussion about how she knows it is going to be hard, but it is important to her and what do I think? But she just went and did it then told me about it. Same thing with OM stuff around her house. I have made it clear that it makes me uncomfortable, but I guess maybe I am too available, maybe I need to just say I can't spend time there if she won't get rid of the stuff.

[Have Faith]

81388

I think not spending time there is good. I assume that you have the kids and so you don't need to go there for them. If you do need to go there for them, then just pick them up quickly and take them home with you or where ever you are going.

Do the unexpected. Throw her off. Don't be so predictable. It seems to be working for me. At least for now.

Faith

[81388*]

Faith;
Thanks for the imput. I am not sure what the unexpected is right now, but I get the idea. Of course me being upset by OM issues is totally predictable.

She is trying, I just don't know how hard to push, if at all.

Let me know what you think.

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[Have Faith]

81388

I haven't found pushing to work. You just have to back off and give her space.

So far the only thing that has had the reation that I have wanted from my H is that he thinks another man is interested in me. I make sure to be busy. I don't accept all of his invitations to do things. When he asks me questions about some event, I just say it was nice.

I do not have another man and have only mentioned golfing with one once. All the other times I have been out or not accepted his invitations, he assumes I'm with someone else. I do not correct him, but I don't lie either. But since your W's OM appears to be out of the picture (unlike my sit) and she appears to want to work on the R, then you probably just need to give her space and try not to be so predictable.

Have you asked her what she wants from you?

Faith

[81388*]

Hi Faith;
Yes, I have asked her.

A couple of nights ago, I had taken the bus to the airport to meet her plane (she had driven herself when she left).we had a really good time on the way home, although she was really tired. The kids were all at "my" house. When I got her home we were very close, just hugging and holding each other. She said it was too bad that the kids were not here, then I would be able to stay.

Last night, we had a date. We went into town and listened to a band. No dancing but had a good time, talked a lot. She had worked late, so we met there. I had run around like a crazy person getting the kids together, books, homework, pizza, had them all at "her" house before I left. When we got home, she was pissed off because all the kids were there and I hadn't told her anything about it. She said she would want them anytime, but would like to be told in advance.

I just told her that I had hoped that like the other night, having them here would alow us to spend more time together. I apologized for not understanding what she meant the other night (I still don't). I was not trying to do anything other than afford us an opportunity to be close.

It was unexpected and not something I would have done 8 months ago, and was obviously not the right thing, right now. At the end of the conversation, I just asked her what it was that she wanted? I told her that I really needed her to tell me because I was having a hard time figuring out what it was that she needed to feel loved.

No response other then "it is just a bad night." I think she had had a bad day at work, was late getting out, and generally stressed. That said, it still goes back to the general lack of any concern for me. I had obviously tried really hard to do something for us and she couldn't even muster a "that was really sweet, but tonight is not a good night for me."

I get the giving them space, but if the underlying problem is a lack of communication, how much do you try to spur discussion?

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