I thought this, from tripod, was worth repositioning:
Originally Posted By: tripod
I guess there was a certain amount of giving up. There was a bit of depression at first, because I truly believed that I was just going to be "stuck here". But then when my wife started to work through her bipolar issues, and started to become a noticably nicer person, I just decided that as long as I had to be married to her, I may as well be nice about it.....and then things just started to roll in a positive direction. The first step was kindof depressing though....because it kindof involved "giving up all hope".
Once I lowered my expectations....things just seemed a whole lot better, and not NEARLY as bad as I had feared.
This dovetails uncannily with some thoughts I was having this morning. I don't thinking "giving up all hope" is ideal .... but I am coming around rapidly to the side of giving up on expectations.
The minute you have expectations of your mate (not basic human decency expectations so much as the "relationshippy" expectations), everything becomes "They Should". "Why aren't they; They Should!" This seems to lead inevitably to a chronic sense of entitlement. You are combative and filled with resentment when they aren't fulfilling your desires at all, and even when they do to a degree, your response may well take the form of "Well, it's about goddamned time, now keep it up!"
It just reminded me of what I've heard and believe about forgiveness ... that it as much for our benefit as for those we are forgiving. Letting go of expectations may be the same. Then we can hopefully at least find some peace in our own hearts, and receive positive gestures from our partners with true appreciation, without measuring them against some idealized laundry list of the things They Should be doing.
I mean, it may well be that They Should be doing all the stuff we want ... why would they not choose to, if they want us to be happy and it's within their powers? So it's not unreasonable to make what we WANT very clear and leave it at that -- you don't ask, you don't get -- as long as we don't frame it as what we NEED and put the pressure on accordingly. But after that, leave the ball in their court; what they choose to offer us is ultimately their responsibility and really none of our concern in many ways.
This strikes me as very much a control issue; if we quit pushing and trying to *make* them give us what we want, is that the same as giving up on what we want and admitting we don't deserve it and/or may never get it? No, but it can sure feel that way....
It all reminded me of that scene in the third Indiana Jones movie where Indy has just seen Ilsa fall down into the bowels of the earth trying to grasp the Grail just out of her reach ... only to stretch and strain, dangling over the same chasm, trying desperately to reach the same elusive prize: "Indiana ... Let it go."
I think there can be an unexplored, unexpected "leap of faith" power to "letting it go"....
... on our own mental/emotional balance, if nothing else.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
You put it so much better than I did. (I did say in that original post that I didn't think it was coming out right)
There's a certain amount of letting go of projection as well...
"If I were you, I would be doing this....so why aren't you?"
It's true that by flirting and coming on to my wife...I'm showing her that I love her. But she didn't always take it that way. To me sex is an extremely emotional act...and without that deep emotional connection, it is (dare I say) a very distastful act.
But once I've done something with my partner that sends them (or both of us) over the moon and back.....I want to do it OVER AND OVER AGAIN. And I don't think it cheapens it or diminishes it at all....but my wife does. Frustrating to say the least. Because I don't really associate how I'm feeling with the act itself, but rather with how the act makes us FEEL. The act may never be able to be perfectly replicated ever again.....but the feeling is so far above and beyond "just an act" that it can be achieved over and over again because it is aroused by a mix of love, lust, passion and desire.....you could do almost ANYTHING with that mix and wrap yourself up in bliss on a daily basis.
But both parties have to want it.
It's like a moment in The Nexus (Star Trek reference for those that don't get it)
But there is a moment when you have to realize that if your partner doesn't feel the same way about it that you do.....it's not going to happen. So you have to, as Kit says, raise the white flag and stop *expecting* your partner to feel the same way about this moment of bliss.....this happiness made tangible and wrapped around you both like a blanket.
Things then become better than you had feared....even if they are not as good as you had hoped....
The best quote I’ve seen was one posted by Burgbud I think. Lil used it on her sig line for a little while, something like
Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.
As you say, not forgiving is to hold on to resentment and anger. For some it is also a control mechanism to purposefully keep a wedge in the relationship to prevent too much closeness. My wife does this.
I think there can be an unexplored, unexpected "leap of faith" power to "letting it go"....
I agree, but only if there is not too high a level of fear to prevent such a leap of faith. My wife cannot make such leap because she has been too traumatized. She cannot/will not place her faith in anyone other than herself.
