I see what you're trying to get at...and I *do* agree that one should feel appreciated for their efforts in "stretching their boundaries".
However....(and no, cemar, don't think I'm taking your side...because what you said *was* at the very least, insensitive)... Aren't we really talking about the passion behind the action? If so...should passion within the boundaries of a marriage really be so difficult to come by as the finances for an expensive gift? Aren't you, by way of illustration, implying that the giver is someone who is "bankrupt of passion"....therefore having to go to EXTREMES in order to "scrimp and save" to come up with this expensive gift?
Love, emotion, and open passion are not something you can put a price on.....they are by their nature, priceless. And the free flowing exchange *by both parties* does not in any way diminish the value of that "gift of passion".
Finances can often be effected by circumstances beyond our control.....a generous amont of free flowing passion is something that may be more difficult for some than for others....but the control still lies within us. No one can take away our loving gestures to our partners but us....and we also control when, where, why and how much we give.
One does not "go broke" by giving too much emotion or passion to their partner.
No, and I didn't mean to imply that. On the other hand, by that argument, if you are whining and unsatisfied because one extravagant gift wasn't repeated ... doesn't that mean you are putting conditions on *HOW* they express their passion? You are judging the quality of their emotion -- how much it's "worth" --based on how closely it hews to your expectations.
Many people who may not be bankrupt of passion and affection may be very nearly bankrupt of the courage to express it openly and freely because of their personality/history/etc; they may have to go to emotional extremes to give the "expensive gift". The latter does not necessarily imply the former.
I will freely admit that this can really suck for their partners. Gestures that have meaning for us will always seem the most precious. And I agree, ultimately that is entirely within our partner's control, to stretch and give or hoard and pull away. A healthy generous person will choose to give, true. But this is still, as you said, properly within THEIR control. To *expect* certain specific "gifts" regularly because we received them once still seems asinine, and at best will probably result in duty gifts grudgingly bestowed, or none at all.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Does this apply to men as well? I mean, if I give my wife the gift of QT this week, then I don't ever have to give her this gift ever again? Afterall, just because I do something once, my spouse should never assume that I will actually do it again for them. Or does this rule only apply to women?
No, but we all make expectations. If I date a woman, and I give her QT, which she really likes, would she not expect that to CONTINUE after marriage. So if I get BJ's BEFORE marriage, would I not expect them to continue AFTER marriage.
Cemar, That sounds to me like taking it for granted. How much did you change from when you were dating to now? The change might be subtle, but significant. Did you go on a date with her expecting a BJ? So why expect one now?
*Sigh*, No, you missed my point, Cemar. I'm trying to say that you may have made a subtle shift in your attitude and how you deal with your W that made her feel less like giving you the unsolicited BJ. If she sensed you expected it, I'd imagine she'd grow to resent it, and viola you have your current situation. If you can restore the same dynamic you had when you were dating, then I'd suspect that the sex would also be restored. Sorry, no hints on how to get there.
CeMar.....were we seperated at birth or something?
My wife gave me oral and anal when we first dated....(we had known each other for over a year.....long story, but it wasn't like we didn't know each other)
After we married, the "swinging from the chandeliers" continued for a few months. (my first "backdoor" experience and my first snowball)
But then the whole thing went south. (another *very* long story)
I really grew to resent her....even *hate* her for a very long time.
There were other issues....she is bipolar, and eventually had to be treated for it. But at the same time....I had to give her room to "find herself". She was doing what she was doing for all the wrong reasons, and fooling herself in the process.
She did *completely* stop giving me blowjobs for a very long time. I explained to her how much they ment to me on an emotional and intimate level, but I also told her that if she didn't *want* to, then it was not worth it anyway. I tried not to push it, but the arguement went back and forth for a long time.
After awhile, I just started to appreciate what I had, when I had it. After all......vanilla missionary sex given out of *want and desire* is better than a "porn star blow job" given out of token service. Once I really began to accept this, and let her have her sexuality on her terms, and also began to focus on bringing everything I could to the table without expecting anything in return.......only wanting to make the most of my marriage. I was plesantly surprised with the results.
My wife is still not the wanton porn star she was when we were first getting together.......but she's much more than she was two years ago. And that's because I let her do it on her terms. Always communicating what it meant to me....but never *pushing* her to be what I wanted.
Desire can be like a hiding kitten. You can look all over your house for it and not find it.....but as soon as you give up and curl up on your couch to watch Letterman.....it will crawl right into your lap.
It doesn't come out perfect....but it comes out better than it is now..
