Simplest form, I guess expectation is "You pay the bills, I'll do the laundry". It doesn't become a condition until you say "I just got a late notice in the mail, so good luck finding clean underwear"
I got quite the chuckle from that
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
Conditions, expectations all the same thing. The secret I am now discovering is not to have ANY. Don't expect your SO to do anything at all, just have expectations of yourself if you must, do what you do, live your life and SO will be there or not depending how the mood takes them - and that's great. And that really is all.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
My view on expectations: Try as hard as you possibly can to NOT have any. One of Buddhism's maxims is that our expectations cause us to suffer. I know it's difficult to avoid having expectations, but this seems to be the case so often.
Rather, I like to think that it's okay to have "preferences." Maybe it's just an exercise in semantics, but it helps me get through it all. Sometimes, at least.
Haphazard - The secret I am now discovering is not to have ANY Hairdog - Try as hard as you possibly can to NOT have any
I agree with this in my mind just feel it is very difficult to live. A good friend & I have had many conversations that the reason people are hurt or angry with another is because the person has not lived up to THEIR expecations, my mind understands this just hard to always apply. HD maybe I will try your preference theory, seems more flexible, less harsh.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
It is difficult to live at first, but if you keep practising you will find it works. Having expectations of other people is HARD WORK. Once you stop doing it you discover how much wasted effort you have put in over the years trying to get them to live up to your expectations. The point is the other person if they are an averagely decent person WILL do stuff because they expect it of themselves. So leave them to it. They are in charge of them and you are in charge of you.
Remember how it bugged you when your H kept hinting to go for a picnic. What bugged you was him having an expectation of you. It ruined what had been a spontaneous gift and turned it into something he expected you to live up to. Turn that round to the things you are expecting him to do - see how much harder work it makes it for him to do them?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
LIH not any? I expect H to take out the trash, mow the lawn and take me out to dinner once a week Boy, you are easy. Most women and many men have lists.
I was going to ask if you have a twin sister, but I better not.
I guess it depends on what kind of expectations you're talking about. I think the basic "division of labor" expectations -- mutually arrived at -- make any household run more smoothly. As long as you don't come completely unwrapped or take it as a personal affront when your partner fails to mow the lawn on occasion. Likewise, I think that when you join your lives, it's not unreasonable to expect that they will be there to run you a warm bath or make a store run for theraflu when you're sick as a dog, or vice versa.
But I suspect that you are talking more about releasing expectations of having emotional needs satisfied. I don't think it's always so easy to get there, but it would probably be a good place to arrive at.
What Fran said resonated: "Remember how it bugged you when your H kept hinting to go for a picnic. What bugged you was him having an expectation of you. It ruined what had been a spontaneous gift and turned it into something he expected you to live up to." What was a push-your-boundaries generous gesture wound up feeling like ... I don't know ... "Loved the cookies, woman, now go bake me a cake?" Not sure he meant it that way ... if I put myself in his place, I can imagine he might have been trying to say, "God that was great .... please please please do it again?" But maybe you felt like there was insufficient appreciation and excessive expectation (there's that word again). Dunno, just rambling at this point....
This discussion reminds me of Esther Perel's view of expectations in modern marriages:
"We have invested marriage with an enormous amount of differing needs. We still want what we used to have: security, respectability, reproduction, social status, companionship. And now we want confidants, best friends and passionate lovers to boot. It's not always so easy to experience excitement and security in the same place. People who have multiple nurturing relationships with friends and family often do better. Maybe marriage, or any committed relationship for that matter, isn't for everything."
That is an awful lot of weight to put on one relationship, and the fewer intimate relationships we enjoy with others, the higher the expectations become for our marriages, and the less willing we are to roll with the imperfections and out-of-synch periods.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
TO see this from the mans point of view, why would he expect it to be a ONCE in a life time thing? If she did it once and enjoyed it, then why not do it again? From his POV, why can she NOT do it?
Ok, cemar, you just worked overtime and scrimped and saved and did without your new stereo equipment to buy your wife a diamond necklace for anniversary. She is delighted and you both feel great but the following week she asks, "So, honey, when am I going to get the matching earrings?"
You did it once and enjoyed it so what's your problem?
Oh, time and money invested are inherently more valuable than courage/emotion/sexuality invested? I thought your general viewpoint tended in the *opposite* direction ...
To recieve a pushing-their-comfort-zone generous gesture with the attitude, "Why can you NOT keep doing it?" when repetition is not forthcoming seems like the ultimate in entitlement, and frankly, ingratitude.
It was what it was; it's her body and her decision. If we are talking about the same incident and my memory serves, I highly doubt golf-course blowjobs are a regularly-recurring feature in too many marriages.
I have been guilty of this myself (being visibly or vocally disappointed when repetition of a fantastic experience was not immediately forthcoming) and do not now like how it looks.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
