I am with Nomo on this. Detachment is good, but it also leads to a feeling of loss. The only feelings I have right now are for our kids. I think my W is there as well, but from the other side of the mirror, so to speak. She is becoming really focused on them, I think to avoid the guilt of her actions. I on the other hand, am mourning the end of their innocence.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
What also would help is that I know that feelings can change over time. Just because I have no feelings for my H right now, doesn't mean I can't develop them again later.
Bless you for that. If you could bottle that and sell it, you'd be a wealthy person! I know I'd buy a bottle for my DH.
Thanks so much for your perspective. I think I'm in the faking-it-til-I-make-it stage, but I'm a natural at detachment, and I'm scared it'll kick in pretty quick. It's helpful to hear from someone who's been there.
I on the other hand, am mourning the end of their innocence.
Why do you think it's the end? Is that a stupid question?
You can reply in your own thread as to not hijack Nomo's.
Bella, I will answer here because it is from Nomo's sitch that I have seen what inevitably happens as soon as the sitch becomes clear to the kids. The lose their innocent trust that their parents will make it alright...no matter what. I know my kids are already feeling uncertain due to W moving into guest room and S6 has a very high emotional IQ, so he has started drawing lots of pictures for us with hearts and all of our names next to them, putting them in envelopes, and writing "I love you Mom and Dad" on the outside.
Once we move further toward the big D, it will only get worse.
OR do you mean, how do I know that W will move toward the big D?? I guess this is an ASSumption on my part.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I think it is detachment, but I think it is also a stage of our emotions. In the beginning, we were and emotional mess. We found DBing, and started learning the methods. DBing gave us hope, and we were willing to pour our hearts into the process. The changes come and go, but we have a hard time seeing them. When we explain things, other DBers show us the positives, and places we can improve. I think we are now at different stages of hopelessness. We want DBing to work, but aren't sure that it will work for us. We want to be with our S again, but are mad at/upset with/resenting them right now, as things seem to be going no-where fast. We are getting bothered by the things our spouses do, and upset with their lack of actions when it comes to our M's. The thoughts of our children are entering our mind, and the reality of our future with them (and their future in general) is throwing our emotions into a whirlwind. We want our M's to work, we want our children to have a solid family, we want to see our kids every day when they wake and go to sleep, and we want to enjoy a comfortable loving life where we don't have to hurt or worry anymore. I think it's a part of the process, and something that we have to learn to deal with. I'm sure that this is a point when many people give up, but it's not the time for me. I've been dealing with some issues with my W for a long time. R issues have been crazy since DEC. 06, and everyone knows when the bomb was dropped, etc. I think that, as always with DBing, we are the only one's that can decide what's right for us. We need to make our deciions with a clear and sound mind however, and not make them when we are emotional/distraught.
NOMO, you've been at this harder than any of us. I read one of your posts a few weeks ago stating that you needed a break and were burnt out. I wonder if you do need a bit of a break (at home and on DBing), and that maybe your efforts are one of the things that are getting to you. You give wonderful advice, and are always there for all of us, but are you taking good enough care of you?
You are certainly entitled to bad days (weeks, etc.), and only you know whats best. My only concern is that your journals seem "stale" (for lack of a better term), but not negative. I'm sick of my W, and often get upset about her having my D and even marrying me, etc., when she questioned our R. I have to remind myself that I really do want this, and will keep fighting until it's past the point of no return. You once told me that you believed your point of no return was when the Big D became final, I actually agree (for me). I don't know if you really are feeling similar to me or not, but your explainations sound the same as my feelings. Maybe i'm dealing with it differently because I have much less time dealing with these issues, and my fresh mindset is allowing me to continue to push; who knows? I think my biggest reason for doing well when I want to throw in the towel is you guys. I honestly believe, most of the time, that I am only fighting because of my D and what would happen to her. It would be easier at this point to let go of my W and move on, but it's not what I truly want. I'm sick of feeling beaten down, i'm sick of the hurt, confusion, and questions, i'm sick of her in general right now. I am going to fight until I can't force myself to fight anymore, and I know now is not that time. I don't think it's your time either (judging by your posts), but I do think your going through a tough time (which your more than entitled to) and will start feeling more neutral/optimistic in time. I may be very off right now, but we all need a shove sometimes. Keep your head up bro, I think you have more fight in you.
Me 31 W 28 D 2 1/2 Together 8 years, Friends for 13 years S Bomb fathers day 2007 Found out about EA on 07/29/07 Working on me!!!
Hello all. Thanks for all the input/feedback/questions and support. I have read it all, and will try to respond later. I am just preparing for the JC session and what I am going to say. Two brief points: first, my change in feelings has not been a conscious, willed change. I feel like I am watching a movie a little bit - it's just happening to me. Second, my C suggested I do tell W about this sooner rather than later because (1) it is not a conscious change, but is simply happening (and she thinks it is moving quickly, as do I after the last 24 hours) and (2) she thinks once it happens it makes it so much more difficult (but perhaps not impossible) for us to work things out, and that makes complete sense to me too. I think I wrote before, it feels like our window of opportunity is closing because of the changes take in place in me. I feel very unsure about wanting my W back. In fact, I am starting to feel sure I don't. Not there yet (I guess), but coming in quikcly.
So, wish me luck!
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Good luck. I know there comes a point where you let go, not b/c you want to but b/c it's just happening. I think it's a good thing, it's self preservation and all of us that have been trying for a while w/ no results want to be there.
