Nomopo's Thread - Is something happening to me?

[Nomopo]

Next thread. My recap/summary is below.

I think something is happening to me. I'd like to think it is detaching, but I am not sure. I think I am really letting go (or is it giving up?) of my W and my M. I am accepting the likelihood of a divorce. I'm not emotionless or indifferent. I am sad, and I am mourning the loss of my M, my family and my reduced R with me kids. Things are settling in for me. I still have some bitterness and anger (maybe a lot) towards my W for things she has done and not done, and things she is still doing and not doing. I literally am apalled at some of her behavior. I'm heavily disappointed in her. She has let and is letting me down.

I'm also tired of twisting in the wind. I feeling ready to move onto the next chapter. But I am not certain. I feel uncomfortable right now, I think because I don't have what's happening to me all figured out.

I had an IC session today. We discussed this at length. We have a JC session tomorrow morning and C encouraged me strongly to let my W know that I am feeling different, that things are changing. C thinks I am letting go, detaching, and starting to move on (or to throw in the towel). She says in her experience there is a line and once you cross it, going back is VERY difficult. Even if you say you ware willing to try. She thinks I am approaching that line. I think she is right. Based on this last week and what I told her, C thinks 4 - 6 weeks is the most I have before crossing "that line." C wants W to know this. She says it is the decent thing to do. C said she might even tell W about the line, with me there (though we also discussed C meeting with W alone and she said if W was willing she would do it). I think C sees our window of opportunity closing.

My instinct before the IC session (and still now I think) was not to say anything to W. If I am detaching, and gets the sense I may be moving on, and if that wakes her up or brings her backl to me, fine. But saying something to her expressly seems likely to make W view this as a ploy to try to get her back. I guess C thinks that the fact that our window of opportunity may be closing quickly overrides that concern, and we just need to honestly lay it out for W and let her react however she wants. And I honestly don't know how she would react: (1) she could be happy that I am finally on board with her view that the M is flawed and not worth working on, (2) she could continue to do nothing, (3) she coudl worry about what this means for how I go forward - will I do something to hurt her, or (4) she might finally open up to the fact that a D is about to become our reality and she may question if that is what she wants or if she is ready for that.

Part of my hesitancy to discuss what is happening with W is that I do not know for sure myself, and I do not know what will happen, and that is just plain scary. I think I am ok with a D now (don't want it, of course, but more accepting of it than i have been). I think another part of me feels like I would be upset with myself if I found out that if I had just been patient things would work out. But I don't even know if I can just be patient. I don't think this is just about impatience. I really think something is changing in me.

Any thoughts?
Nomopo

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Here is a summary of my sitch:

Me: 39; WAW: 38
Married: Nov. 1997 (began dating Dec. 1993).
First marriages for both.
Son (7) and daughter (4).
Initial Bomb: May 8, 2005 (Mother's Day and D's birthday)
Traditional couples therapy started: Dec. 2005
"Maybe we should call it quits" Bomb: Jan. 22nd (aka "looking into the [divorce] abyss"); W not working on M
Emotional Affair discovered: Feb. 22nd
Ultimatum regarding EA given: Feb. 29th
Response ending EA, but not working on M, given: Mar. 4th
Divorce Busting begins ("rookie league"): April 10th
Solutions-Based, Goal-Oriented Therapist found: April 12th (Wife is going now!)
"Should we explore a separation?": May 10th
"I want a "trial" separation": May 22nd
Told kids about separation: June 9th (6:00 pm)
Separation implemented: June 11th
Unsure about status of EA; unsure what W is thinking

Some previous alien spew:
"We have no spark and there is no hope."
"We both deserve more."
"I am sad all the time." Depression?
"It's not my fault that it took 15 months of therapy for you to have a breakthrough and finally understand what you were doing and how unhappy I am."
"I do not see any hope of you changing and us being happy together."

[ItsKat]

Hey, Nomo

The heavy rains are just getting here now, so I am not going to be on long, but I wanted to say that I understand where you are right now and that it is a scary place, but I am glad that you have your C to guide you through it. I know it is scary to think how your W is going to react to this, but I am sure your C will present it in the safest way possible.

My H just called and he is stuck in his building because the basement is flooded. You OK?

[bar]

Hi Nomopo!

You are moving on. I can tell, not just by what you write but the way you write it. There is a risk of course because continuing your patience might give you the outcome you truly want, eventually. Maybe a dose of reality is what she needs. You have worked really hard and your insight into your situation is staggering.

I feel I'm reaching that point too. Like bad medicine, I don't want it, but if it's going to save my life, I'll take it.

Glad you're back; thought you had disappeared and where would I be without my pimpernel?

Big hug, bar xxx

[NDDT]

Hello Nomo.....

I will slide over and make room on the bench for you. I know exactly of which you speak. I am almost 100% certain that this coming weekend, she is going to come get her stuff. I am not entirely happy about it, but am at a place ummmm like whatever, come get it and get it over with. Cant say I dont care, but more like Ef her, and all her Effen attitudes.......

I just scored a (replacement) dresser for my kids room.....cherry wood needs a bit of touch up, but for $20 .......hell at an auction it woulda went for $80. Thats where I am at, more and more making this house MY home now.

I hope you manage to ride this phase out with your usual style. And sooner or later me and you will have us a phone call eh????

G

[NDDT]

"I think another part of me feels like I would be upset with myself if I found out that if I had just been patient things would work out. But I don't even know if I can just be patient. I don't think this is just about impatience. I really think something is changing in me.

Any thoughts?"

Perhaps like me the realization is setting in, that no matter what I did she was going to choose to NOT be happy. Perhaps it was not meant to be?? I dont want to bring you down.... its just that I feel like I have been in the place you are describing for awhile now, and I am happy to have you as company Nomo......

Maybe it was meant for in the end for me and you to get together...see the world!!??? Have babies??? Ok ok I am getting a bit zealous here, and you know I am just kidding..

[Nomopo]

I'm ok Kat. Thanks. Got rained on a bit.

Thanks too bar! The Scarlet Pimpernel? I've just been unable to get online until now.

Thanks NDDT.

I think I do know what is happening, but I'm not 100% sure (are we ever?), and that is unnerving. Also, I want to be able to articulate it better, and that is a struggle right now. Finally, I know I have some emotions tweaked or charged, and I want to make sure I am thinking clearly about my goals and interests, and not be unduly influenced by my emotions.

So, part of me says why rush it, why force it, when I can put bringing it up with W off until next week. W definitely senses something is a foot, but she doesn't know what it is. Journaling: She called again this morning from her car/cell around 8:15 and I let it go to vm. She said "Hey, I'm just calling to see the kids tonight. Let me know what you're doing."

I called back to her office ten minutes later, hoping I would get her vm, but she answered:

W: Hello.
Nomo: Oh, hey. (surprised)
W: Hi. How are you doing. (upbeat)
Nomo: I'm good. Got your message. Of course you can see the kids tonight. I don't know exactly what we'll be doing so let's talk later, ok?
W: Ok.
Nomo: Alright, well, bye.
W: Are you ok? You seem/sound hostile.
Nomo: No, I'm fine. Why are you asking me that?
W: Well, you seemed really short and hostile with me on the phone last night when I called to talk to the kids and then very hostile when I called later about S7's reading evaluation.
Nomo: Well, I was frustrated about the school thing because you didn't tell me about it and I thought I had missed something important, but then I realized it wasn't anything important so it was ok.
W: Well, your tone was angry.
Nomo: Well, I was angry, but you apologized and explained it and it was fine and I think I said ok and thanks. But why did you think I was hostile on the first call?
W: Well, you just sounded short.
Nomo: You said you called to talk to the kids so I called you back and gave the phone to D4.
W: Ok. C said to talk about it when you seem hostile, so I am telling you I'm feeling that guy. Don't get mad. (Getting louder, more intense herself.)
Nomo (with a slight chuckle): Well, ok. That's fine. And now you're getting hostile. I was just wondering what you heard in that first conversation that made you feel I was being hostile.
W: Just by how short you were and it was your tone.
Nomo: Ok. Thanks. I'll talk to you later.

Not anywhere close to the way I would have preferred to handle it, but it is what it is. She could feel hostility, and there was some coldness there.

Nomo

[Heimlich]

Nomo,

Ack, I had a pretty good post written up for you and crashed. Let me try again.

It's OK for you to not know where you are. Give it some time. S'alright. You don't need the answer NOW.

This is kindof a random thought, so take it for what it's worth, but it feels like there may be something in it. You just spent a weekend with a gaggle of attractive, strong women all actively engaged in making their R's better. Your W can't help but pale in comparison to that level of engagement shown by the ladies of the Orlando Krew (anybody a graphic designer? That logo could be GD's next tat)

You've been on this road for a long time, I think you've written 15 months before you found DBing and solutions-based councelling. Since you've found DBing, your W recently seems to be opening up more and discovering the things inside of her that haven't meshed well with you and you've done the same. While a breakthrough isn't imminent, there seem to be definate signs of awakening on your W's part.

You may be done, or on your way to being there -- to crossing that line. If so, that's OK. It would be a shame for you W to decide to make it work but you be over her. That's a risk we're all taking. In the phone conversation, your W is doing what the C asked for. Seems to be a good thing.

Sorry, my brain just farted and I totally lost the thread of where I was going, so I'll just end.

BD

[stillme]

My thoughts. . . CYE.
j

[Strongerthanthis]

Hi Nomo,

You have given so much to everyone on this board and I can honestly say I feel the replies you are getting proves your value in this dreadful situation.

I think BD is pretty spot on and can't add anymore, just as a (recent) friend I am feeling for you.

I think to put it plainly you if you decide this is it you can truly look in the mirror and say I did my best and can face life in the future knowing this.

Although your still making progress and maybe this is the ultimate 180 which can work.

As my wife used to say to me when I was fat, chins up!

charlie

[Nomopo]

Thanks H and Charlie.

Still,

My thoughts. . . CYE.

I don't understand.