Nomopo's Sitch - Patience, Patience, Patience

[Nomopo]

No problem all Charlie. I feel so very . . . well traveled all of a sudden.

I'm good puddle (I pronounce it poodle, BTW.) Just doing some work and some theoretical noodling on my approach to my sitch. In short, lovingly detaching is the order of the day I believe. Not sure I was in the right place to really do it well until now. You can't be afraid or it won't really work.

Nomo

[Heimlich]

Not sure I was in the right place to really do it well until now. You can't be afraid or it won't really work.

I can speak from personal experience over the past few days that you are exactly correct here.

BD

[Puddle]

You can't be afraid or it won't really work.

It sounds like you've reached a good new place. I might say that if you're afraid (or acting from a place of fear---who isn't afraid here?), then it's not really working *for you.* And the results of that can't be the best.

I feel like I see the path that I'm going down laid out here by you. I'm not there yet, but it's helpful to have an idea of what's coming, and I appreciate your example of handling it beautifully.

And I am not a poodle.

[bar]

I adore poodles, Puddle!

bar xxx

[Gone Dancin']

Hey Nomo,

Sorry that S7 is having such a rough time with this. It really is sad what these events do to our kids, and though I think the separation can be healthy is many ways, it still hurts them nonetheless. You're doing the best that you can for them under the current conditions though (you and W both), and I commend you for that! Have you checked out that book I mentioned (Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends) by Bruce Fisher that has that section in the appendix titled, "The Healing Separation"? Hope you find it -- really good stuff in that appendix!

Thanks for the kind comments about the dance competition too. Made me feel really good, and though it would've helped to have found a better dance partner, I can't really say if I deserved a medal or not. Had fun though, and that was the most important part!

You can't be afraid or it won't really work.

No truer words have been written about lovingly detaching.

You're doing great, my friend. Keep reflecting, monitoring, and forging ahead. You'll get there!

GD

[Nomopo]

Thanks for the confirmation H!

CVA - liked what you posted to me on your thread, so copying it here:

You are a compassionate but yes, intense guy no matter how many smiley faces you plop in here [. . .] that guy, who was not a competitive tennis player for no reason, can be intimidating to that sweet 5' something woman you married, regardless of how you feel inside. That is how the outside world probably sees you, not to say it is bad, just be aware.

Thanks.

Puddle,

You can't be afraid or it won't really work.

It sounds like you've reached a good new place. I might say that if you're afraid (or acting from a place of fear---who isn't afraid here?), then it's not really working *for you.* And the results of that can't be the best.

Well put.

I feel like I see the path that I'm going down laid out here by you. I'm not there yet, but it's helpful to have an idea of what's coming, and I appreciate your example of handling it beautifully.

Thank you. If you want, I will mail you copies of my first seven threads for some light reading. The 8th and this (the 9th) are still available here.

Hi again bar!

GD!!! Great to see you back bud. How you feeling? Thanks for the support/comments.

Have you checked out that book I mentioned (Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends) by Bruce Fisher that has that section in the appendix titled, "The Healing Separation"? Hope you find it -- really good stuff in that appendix!

Not yet, but it's on my to buy list.

Thanks for the confirmation H!

CVA - liked what you posted to me on your thread, so copying it here:

You are a compassionate but yes, intense guy no matter how many smiley faces you plop in here [. . .] that guy, who was not a competitive tennis player for no reason, can be intimidating to that sweet 5' something woman you married, regardless of how you feel inside. That is how the outside world probably sees you, not to say it is bad, just be aware.

Thanks.

Puddle,

You can't be afraid or it won't really work.

It sounds like you've reached a good new place. I might say that if you're afraid (or acting from a place of fear---who isn't afraid here?), then it's not really working *for you.* And the results of that can't be the best.

Well put.

I feel like I see the path that I'm going down laid out here by you. I'm not there yet, but it's helpful to have an idea of what's coming, and I appreciate your example of handling it beautifully.

Thank you. If you want, I will mail you copies of my first seven threads for some light reading. The 8th and this (the 9th) are still available here.

Hi again bar!

GD!!! Great to see you back bud. How you feeling?

You can't be afraid or it won't really work.

No truer words have been written about lovingly detaching.[/quote]

I think so too. So it takes time.

Nomo <--- a few extras for CVA!

[dlt1]

Hey all, quite a group here!
You can't be afraid or it won't really work.
--Ther ein lies the rub. I'm finding my fear is fading (or at least transitioning to other things). I have this vision in my head of our next encounter, smiling confidently and interacting on a freindly level. Hope I can follow through as we will be dealing with transitioning bilsl to her name and me taking a few more thinge from the house in prep for D nigotiations.
You are doing well Nomo. I've not met you, but 9 threads in 3 months? Sounds intense to me! LOL

[Gone Dancin']

Doing better, Nomo -- really working on trying to completely detach and not think about W at all. Trying not to make any decisions based on or revolving around affecting change in her. Just working on doing everything for me and my kids ONLY from now on. I think it is the best course to take now. I must work on completely moving on now, and hope that if W ever decides to come back, I'll be willing to take her back or work on a new R.

It is really quite liberating, and I feel I've prepared myself fairly well for this new phase. Just need to get a new job now to occupy my time and mind more.

GD

[slowly]

Hi Nomo - It is heartbreaking to hear about S7's meltdown I'm afraid I lose rational thought when kids and animals are concerned.

We met downstairs, I was in very casual clothes (jeans; white t-shirt), which she asked about, because I was heading to airport in just a few hours for the Orlando DB trip. W didn't seem to remember my trip though I was sure I had told her a few weeks ago. I offered that I was going to Orlando to hang with some friends. She didn't push for any more details

Just because she did not say anything, don't imagine it was not significant. This is the second time in two months you have been away for the weekend with 'friends'. Her silence could be just internal processing. Trust me, she noticed, and it had an impact. Though you may only get to hear about it in a few weeks' or months' time.

She did offer that Saturday W went to a recruiting event with her Firm and then for some shopping. (Guess I fretted for no reason.) She also said she knows nothing, that she and W don't talk, that the previous weekend W was in a bad way when she had to get out of town, but that now W was better.

I know there is no direct evidence of this, but W must be going through a really tough time deciding where to go next with her life. The most painful thing to watch is a spouse grieve for the end of an affair. I have no idea if that is what is happening, but it seems like that time in this cycle. First she has to decide that she really wants to let the fantasy go, then she has to adjust to a void in her day/week/future. Unfortunately this is a path she has to take herself. The dbing you have been doing has brought her to this point, but the next steps are hers. You can only continue doing what has been working.

I started a slightly new approach (intended to plant a seed that I might be "moving on") tonight. It felt good to me. And W seemed to notice something was different, but probably isn't sure what it is. My guess is she thinks I may be mad, or angry, or upset in some way, but she isn't sure because I was perfectly friendly. She was pretty friendly too BTW. Basically, I paid little attention to her, but lots to the kids, the TVs in the restaurant, and the other patrons/wait staff (including some cute chickadees). I think she noticed something was different and was curious what it was. Can't say it will be positive or negative, but if I keep it up I will monitor results.

If ever I need a lawyer, I'm going to call you I like this strategy. While you have many things that are working, it does seem like time to try something new and different. And it probably reflects your state of mind too, you don't seem to be in the mood to pander. This too by the way, will pass. Part of this ride is the swings in emotions we ourselves go through Except us women have an additional 4-week boost to this cycle

The only other suggestion I have is to look at your new approach in light of your (updated) goals. Without them as anchors, it will be easy to feel adrift.

Slowly

[stillme]

Nomo, "spiritual guide"??? Geez, that's even worse than the "bwana" you named me a few mo. ago. LOL. But I am so happy (weird, I know) to be going thru this 'w/' you. And, o/c, I will stick around. I'm mostly a lurker, but I'm not invisible now, don'tchaknow.

And (close your eyes, N. You're gonna blush): Everyone, as we [DBing group] was leaving a rest. & I lagged a bit behind, I overheard said table full of (5, 6?) women [and I didn't notice that they were any older than you, but then does that mean you DID see them first?] commenting on our big & brawny friend with, uh, appreciation. And one said very clearly, "He smiled at me!" Methinks Friend-Nomo doesn't understand his own appeal (yet) and I sure as heck KNOW his W is underestimating it.

N, I think I WILL start making phone calls to you when you're around W. I know firsthand how voices carry over your bb. Better start working on my giggles.

OOps, there was more, but I have to run out & p/u S & go to jj.
BBtonight.
j