Nomopo's Sitch - Patience, Patience, Patience

[Nomopo]

Thanks for stopping by and the support dlt1, and for the update GD.

Still, how many times are you going to tell that story on the boards? A lot more I hope. And I didn't see the table until you pointed them out once we were out the door. Anyway, I still want A, since I am the LBF (and she apparently is walking away from me too. )

Helloooo Slowly!!!!

We met downstairs, I was in very casual clothes (jeans; white t-shirt), which she asked about, because I was heading to airport in just a few hours for the Orlando DB trip. W didn't seem to remember my trip though I was sure I had told her a few weeks ago. I offered that I was going to Orlando to hang with some friends. She didn't push for any more details

Just because she did not say anything, don't imagine it was not significant. This is the second time in two months you have been away for the weekend with 'friends'. Her silence could be just internal processing. Trust me, she noticed, and it had an impact. Though you may only get to hear about it in a few weeks' or months' time.

Sounds reasonable.

She did offer that Saturday W went to a recruiting event with her Firm and then for some shopping. (Guess I fretted for no reason.) She also said she knows nothing, that she and W don't talk, that the previous weekend W was in a bad way when she had to get out of town, but that now W was better.

I know there is no direct evidence of this, but W must be going through a really tough time deciding where to go next with her life. The most painful thing to watch is a spouse grieve for the end of an affair. I have no idea if that is what is happening, but it seems like that time in this cycle. First she has to decide that she really wants to let the fantasy go, then she has to adjust to a void in her day/week/future. Unfortunately this is a path she has to take herself. The dbing you have been doing has brought her to this point, but the next steps are hers. You can only continue doing what has been working.

Well, I believe W may be struggling at times, and may be confused (and she is certainly lost in a lot of ways even if she doesn't know it), but I don't think I will get my hopes up that she is grieving the loss of the A. Could be, but no evidence or even logic to suggest that is happening (yet). And, in fact, if she doesn't think I am going anywhere, why would she end that on her own. All of a sudden she woke and decided that cutting that off was the right thing to do. Seems unlikely. It seems more likely that she would keep her options open as long as she cans, to to see what happens, and what she wants to do. This is why my new strategy (thanks Sunny) may gently force the issue.

I started a slightly new approach (intended to plant a seed that I might be "moving on") tonight. It felt good to me. And W seemed to notice something was different, but probably isn't sure what it is. My guess is she thinks I may be mad, or angry, or upset in some way, but she isn't sure because I was perfectly friendly. She was pretty friendly too BTW. Basically, I paid little attention to her, but lots to the kids, the TVs in the restaurant, and the other patrons/wait staff (including some cute chickadees). I think she noticed something was different and was curious what it was. Can't say it will be positive or negative, but if I keep it up I will monitor results.

If ever I need a lawyer, I'm going to call you I like this strategy. While you have many things that are working, it does seem like time to try something new and different.

Yeah, it seems like a good plan. Still working out the wrinkles and making sure I have my hands around what I am doing. I will keep you posted.

And it probably reflects your state of mind too, you don't seem to be in the mood to pander. This too by the way, will pass. Part of this ride is the swings in emotions we ourselves go through

Oh, yes, I know. That's why I am taking my time, thinking on it. Don't want to act on emotion. Want to be clear headed.

The only other suggestion I have is to look at your new approach in light of your (updated) goals. Without them as anchors, it will be easy to feel adrift.

Excellent idea. Need to finish updating goals anyway. Hopefully in the next week I can finish both of these things.

Thanks, as always, Slowly.

Nomo

[Nomopo]

Journaling: Wednesday, August 15th:

W called this morning around 8:30 am and left a vm at my office. She offered to have the kids at MIL's house (with W too) for a sleepover Thursday night if I needed help since I am so busy at work. I think I will pass, unless I get super swamped. I decided not to call her back for a bit. Part of my new I am moving on bit. Plus, I may not know for sure until tomorrow if I need coverage Thursday night.

Around 7 pm W called my cell as I was driving with the kids to dinner (and with my parents). She called three times from her work number, and I let it go to vm each time. I think she must have been checking at home and at my office between the three tries. W then followed-up with an email asking me to call her on her cell (so she must have been getting ready to leave work). I assumed W was just calling to talk to the kids, and since I was driving and the kids were watching a movie, I let all the calls go to vm. At the restaurant, I called W's cell (she answered but said she was still at work), and she said I was just calling to talk the kids. So, I said "Yep, here you go," and handed the phone right over to D4. As I was ordering, D4 and then S7 talked to their mother. S7 gave the phone to me afterwards and W and I chatted briefly. Friendly, but not particularly enthusiastic. I mean, the call was fine, but I was pretty much all business and I didn't promote any additional small talk. W, however, asked me if I was doing ok with work, if I was getting any sleep, and if I had gotten her vm about a sleepover. I said work was fine, not much sleep but I am fine, and yes I got the vm, but that I had forgotten to call her back. I said I thought I would be fine tomorrow night so I wouldn't need the sleepover, but I would let her know tomorrow if things changed. I am not sure if I thanked her, but I would guess (and hope) I did. I was trying to sound detached, and it was honest because I really wasn't looking to have much convo with her. But I hope I didn't come off as angry or curt. I'm not sure. It's a fine line between detached/moved on and cold, I think, and it doesn't come easy to me. I believe the detachment is coming honestly to me, so that should help.

Shortly thereafter D4 and S7 started telling me about a reading test S7 had to take today at his school in prep for 1st grade (which starts in about two weeks). This was news to me. Slightly perturbed that W hadn't told me about this, I sent an email reply to her earlier email asking "Did S7 have something at school today with his new teacher?" Before W responded, S7 also told me our nanny took him and that she had signed S7 up for transportation (but he wants to ride the bus instaed), and also that today was "meet the teacher" day. Now I am irritated. I have been the one that has had the vast majority of contact with his teachers in the past, and at a minimum I want to know about events like this so I can have the option of going if my work permits. I placed a call to W's cell, no answer but left a vm. (She generally doesn't answer if she is driving as her cell is frequently in her briefcase and not reachable.) I called her work just in case, but no answer. A little later I get an email back from her: "A reading evaluation - I thought I told you about it. I apologize if I didn't. There was a letter in your mail pile. [Which was still at the house as I haven't been there in a week.] I don't know anything other than that Nanny took him at 10 to have it (there's been a sticky about it on the desk for about a week). I'm sure she'll fill us in. It was just to see where his reading level is so as to not use class time to do it. All of her students did it." Almost immediately she called me and said I just sent you an email, did you read it? I said yes. She said "But I also got your vm, so I thought I would call." I told her I was frustrated and asked if it was "meet the teacher" day, and she said no. I also have to admit, she was very apologetic. She explained again what was in her email. W apologized several times and my tone retruned to normal and I said "ok, thanks." That was about it. We ended the call fine, but she knew I had been upset. I do appreciate her effort to clear it up. I still would have liked to have known, but it's no biggie at all.

Later that night, after dropping the kids off with my parents and heading back to work to get some stuff done, it really started to hit me how my R with my kids is going to change, no matter how much I do and how hard I try to be in their lives (and I will do the very best I can at this). It will be materially less than it can be and should be. It really bummed me out. I don't blame myself, and I have tried my hardest and done my best to save my M, and I will continue to do so. But, noentheless, the truth is my R with my kids will suffer, and so we will too. It stinks. (It also made me think back to when W said in our original joint therapy that she was unhappy for 2, 3, 4, 6, no 8 years! If she was so unhappy so long, then why did she bring these two precious kids into the world (presumably knowing things might not work out)? Unbelievably selfish or stupid or something. Ok, mini-vent. Back to work.)

That's all.

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Nomo
As usual, I can relate. Some of these small things re: kids get to us because we are dads that really care.

OK, on the positive side, your W is actually showing signs of coming your way. I REALLY believe that. All those little questions about how you are dong etc, those meet some goals dont they?

Goodnight bud. Just wanted you to know Houston is here and reading.

Good luck tomorrow w/ C. Mine was good.
C

[Nomopo]

Thanks CVA! Needed to hear something positive, and never thought of that. It helps.

[Not Much Left]

I have no idea what ugafby means, but I am sure it is not good to spell out! Watching Entourage now for the 3rd time in 3 days, I love this show! Ari Gold is so cool, nice suits. I would actually dress like that again (have all sorts of nice suits now hangin in the closet) but well, that takes effort now doesnt it!

[NotAgainPlease]

Nomo Nomo,

I wish I could be half as good as you about giving good advise. I have been reading up on you.

First I want to tell you I feel you on the kids. It just sucks!! what happend to them.

Keep it up. She notices. I know it is scarey as hell to go out in the world. Here's what my girlfriends tell me. He/She is Mr/Mrs Today not Mr/Mrs Forever! Your W will have no idea what you are doing if you go out. They like we do will imagine the worst. My H up until he moved back in would tell me daily to find someone else. He said he really didn't want me to but I think it made him feel better and it was also his way of investigating! In order not to lie I would just say I didn't want to talk to him about my dating.
Get out there and just pretend! Go out with a buddy. Have fun and she"s not going to know. Like my sitch, just when you give up they come back. I do have to say it is very subtle you have to really keep your ears and eyes open for the smallest clues.
In my case I wasn't always nice.

Whenm I decided I was done trying for a while I really wasn't that nice or accomidating. He was a little nicer when I was distant. I know you can do it just one thing at a time and see. You have always been so nice to your W try changing??

Good luck!
S

[Puddle]

Hey Nomopo,

It's a fine line between detached/moved on and cold, I think, and it doesn't come easy to me. I believe the detachment is coming honestly to me, so that should help.

This is something I've been thinking about, too. It sounds like you handled it fine, and as you say, you've been doing this long enough that some change is good. As you're feeling detached, you're certainly going to show detachment, so it sounds like your actions are coming from the place you are now. It's hard to judge how it will be perceived, of course, but acting without feeling angry or bitter should help avoid coming across as cold.

it really started to hit me how my R with my kids is going to change, no matter how much I do and how hard I try to be in their lives

Undoubtedly the toughest thing of all. Even if you end up divorced, all the work you're doing (and your wife, even if she's not working on saving your M) to make your R better will help smooth the path for them. And that's worth a lot.

Take care. You're getting some results, and refocusing can only help. I'll look forward to reading your new goals/strategies.

[ItsKat]

Hey, Nomo,

I agree w/ CVA that W seems to be (slowly) moving in a good direction in response to your detachment. I am sort of sad for you that you have had to reach this point where you have become this detached, but at least you aren't having to fake the detachment. Does that make any sense?

I hear you on the frustration about the kids and how this thing you don't want is going to force a shift in your R w/ them. We are just going to have to make the best of what we can w/ them. Oh, and my H is big on "five years ago", if only I had woken up and make these changes five years ago, we might have been OK. Our oldest child is only 4, so I often wonder why he had these kids w/ me too if he was so unhappy. Did he think they were going to make things easier? OK, I'll stop venting on your thread.

Don't know if you consider me "Houston" or not, but just letting you know that KW is reading too.

[Gone Dancin']

Big 'ol Idaho is reading too!