I know exactly how you feel. It feels simultaneously great and humbling to have that "A-HA!" moment. Great that you finally truly understand how you got to where you are. Humbling in that you feel like somewhat of an idiot/doofus for your role in getting to where you are (at least for me, anyway).
Just don't be like me and try to convince your H that you feel it's a different world. I've somewhat desperately (OK, desperately) tried to communicate that I feel different inside to my W. It ain't working.
Enjoy the hard-earned wisdom.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Wow...wow...wow... I am so with you on this... and your words resonate so strongly with me right now (i'm actually in tears rereading what you've said). But, as Heimlich mentions, talk is cheap...we have to ACT! And i am redoubling/recommiting my effort to do so this very day...
Wow, Sunny! You are AWESOME, girl and I am so happy for you & your Different World.
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For the first time in a really long time, I'm enjoying my house, my kids, my space & myself.
The pressure is lifted off & I'm not anxious about the ending/beginning anymore.
Yay, you!!
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I'm a really lucky person.....
Abso-f'ing-lutely! (And so are we for knowing you )
Am sitting here eating a snack (goat cheese/crackers & blueberries - yum!) b/f going to to teach a P.session at 5, then meeting 'friend' for dinner afterwards, but I want to call you this eve. (and since I don't, apparently, require any sleep any longer, the time-zone thingie is no problem. lol) I'm jealous that Nomo has become your First Best Friend ("FBF" in grammar school girl speak apparently). I mean, he's a babe & all, but he doesn't giggle!
TTFN j
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Sunny Was talking to Nomo this morning and he mentioned you had posted something along the lines of this:
"you have yet to see something good coming out of asking for a "status report".
You need to broadcast that little tidbit, like a global email!
Thoughts, cuz that's where I am right now, Give me feedback dammit (from my W not you!). Take care C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Glad to see you w/ such a good PMA. Your name is certainly symbolic of your perspective: sunny! Thanks for the PPT email. I enjoyed it very much, as it really was needed.
H is really screwing up by staying in limbo! Hope he's lucky enough to get you back after his head gets unwedged from his buttcheeks.
Just don't be like me and try to convince your H that you feel it's a different world. I've somewhat desperately (OK, desperately) tried to communicate that I feel different inside to my W. It ain't working.
I'm taking this from Heimlich to tie into the asking for a status report.
"What do you think of me now, huh, huh, huh?" translation= I'm desperate.
Attraction scale= -1,000
It shouts out, "I'm afraid to let you think your own thoughts that may be different than mine, & I desperately need you to reassure me"
A healthy R is one where the inner experience is that "being close & being separate are both equally safe & gratifying. Both are acceptable, all the time, and there is no conflict between them that requires resolution."
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"you have yet to see something good coming out of asking for a "status report".
I haven't.
A couple of hours ago, I was taking the kids somewhere & saw the OM/EA driving toward me. My stomach did a loop when I saw how he looked...... stricken & defeated. Did I have the desire to get in touch w/him. No. Do I feel guilty & emphasize w/him. Yes. My very own reminder of the dynamics of LBS & WAS. He called a couple of days ago & said, "You've gone on & on about what you feel & now it's my turn. After all, that's what a R is all about." Talked on & on about how I was not fulfilling his needs as far as listening to what he's looking for, etc. I couldn't wait to get off the phone.
I gather that this is what our WAS's think as well.
It's only when I distance (lovingly), that my H has any interest at all in me.
He's just not attracted to a weak, needy, women who crowds him.
Since I've starting really detaching & learning my own d*mn lessons, there appears to be some movement towards me again. When he's done this before, I somehow forgot what the goal was & proceeded to undo the positive. Big penalty.
I have to be willing to lose the R to get a new one back. Who knows where I'll land. I do know where, if I don't let it go.
Hi L-thought that would resonate, since you have a three legger also
When I read your post Still, I was eating hummus/blueberries & crackers Poor you, I didn't get the message re;the cut off time for being too late to call until after the call I sure don't want to add to getting in the way of a LBS getting some sleep. Sorry!
Are you kidding me?! I would take a call from you over sleep any day of the week!
Happy PMA day!
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
A healthy R is one where the inner experience is that "being close & being separate are both equally safe & gratifying. Both are acceptable, all the time, and there is no conflict between them that requires resolution."
I've never been one to tape quotes on my mirror, but this might be the first one I put up.
Your perspectives about the WAS are valuable too, like your interaction w/ OM right now and what you think/feel about that.
A few intrusions into my quest for a smooth 2 weeks of relaxing while H was gone competing. On the Sunday he left, I had called him & essentially gave him the go ahead to be with the OW, if that's what he wanted, & I would be OK with it. Not what I would have liked, although if he wanted it, he deserved & had the choice open to him. He repeated that if he wanted to file, he would have already. Said he was still my H & came right over to pick up something he had "forgotten", telling me b/f he left, "don't think I don't care about you, I really, really do."
A couple of days into the trip, he calls "to talk to S4". I'm out, so it goes to VM. Next day, he calls in the morning & sounds a little nervous. It goes on like this, with me making S4 available, but not every night, & not when I'm out, as he repeats that he's only calling to talk to S4, so why answer when I'm not w/S. Finally, after a night when he doesn't get a contact, he sends a terse email telling me he thinkings I'm avoiding him, that I may be mad & hurt, well, so is he. He wants to have a talk about how to handle our cell phone calls(?), & that he needs to talk to S4 everyday from now on. I respond that I've always made him available & have only been "out" when he calls, & reminded him gently that b/f he left for 2 wks, he didn't come by or call S4 the 2 days b/f leaving, & he just started the "talk to S everyday" a couple of days ago.
He sends an apology & says to ignore his email, he's just feeling "spun out" over all this.
Fine, I still don't have the need to sit at home every night waiting for his call to S, so I don't, & continue to GAL. I guess this is unexpected from me, so when he can't reach me one night after 3 VM's, he calls my mother the next day to talk to S4. (I left an email he would be there). She says she could hear him ask S4 "where he spent the night last night". Gets back on phone with her & says he's been having a hard time getting in touch w/me. She tells him I've been very busy. He responds with the weirdest "yeeeaah", she's heard. When I do talk to him later from the park, I put S4 on immediately, then sign off the call sounding upbeat & happy. Through all the calls, he alternates between sounding depressed & anxious, to just asking for S4 & distant.
I decide I'm going to throw myself a party next Saturday for my B-Day in a couple of weeks & send a FYI email telling him, since he'll be getting the catering bill & I don't want him to find out through someone else. I got no response & was relieved.
Fast forward to yesterday, H's arrival day. He told me he didn't know what time he would be coming back(?), so I made other plans during the day to go to a pool party. H calls, wants to come right over & wants to know who's pool?
So much for my 2 week break. It was pretty stressful just answering/not answering H's phone calls.
Before he comes over yesterday, he tells me he's only ther for a short while to p/u S4 for dinner, then will drop him off & go home to get ready for work the next day. No problem. Walks in the door & wants to know if he's invited to my B-Day party, or was that just an FYI. I don't respond, so he says, "Well, think about it".
Comes back & I stay upstairs & tell him I'll see him later. He lingers for a while, b/c I'm sure he can't believe I'm not going to try & engage him after a 2 week absence. Finally wants to know if he can come upstairs. Fine. I stay reading on the bed, while he tells me he'll be picking up S4 on Wednesday & he'll be spending the night with him. He knows this will get my attention. I tell him that's fine, I see that our R has taken a different turn & we might as well get started on what is to be our reality. He starts backing off & says, with teary eyes, that I said 2 wks ago things would be different now, since he's out in the open with his OW. I said, yes, different, & if he wants to initiate changes toward a permanent break, that'll be his choice. No, he doesn't want to start that. Finally, I tell him again, if he's "in love" with OW, I've given him the freedom to go. Yes, he knows that, "he doesn't know what he thinks anymore." "I'm a messed up guy". "I don't want to think about it when I'm tired & stressed." Gives me a hug & says, "I guess I must still have feeling."
He looked awful, like someone that hasn't been sleeping well & is stressed & torn.
I'm guessing that he thought he was through with me 4 months ago, is/was in the "in love" stage w/ OW, & is now having doubts. It could be that all my changes & the way I've responded have thrown him off. Or maybe the A is starting to come out of the "perfect" stage. Don't know.
I'm going to give him time & space. My question right now is the B-Day party. I made it for a Saturday night b/c that's his date night w/OW. I didn't think he'd ask me if he could come. I really don't want him to. I don't know which way to go on this, so any help would be appreciated.
)
Poor you, I didn't get the message re;the cut off time for being too late to call until after the call 
