Living with my WAW 3

[SuperDad]

Thanks CVA!

Journaling:
We had a great time last night with 8 or so good friends, old and new. It was fabulous to reconnect with friends from childhood and see how many of us are struggling to find our Path with Heart. It seems that the more sucessful you are in the 1st half of life, the harder this hits you!

Interesting this perspective. It seems that the more focused you are early in life on the typical goals (building up wealth and supporting a family), the easier it is to lose track of your Path with Heart. It is so well described by Karl Jung and exactly the path that he took.

Otherwise, yesterday was my and the boys day to return to Houston. We stopped at Blue Bell Creamery for the tour and ice cream on the way (unplanned, just pulled up the tour info on my cell phone and stopped off when the kids asked about it)!

I got in a good workout in the pool and on the treadmill(last chance before Sunday except for today which is not likely). My MIL and FIL called to wish me happy bday. They said they were disappointed that I did not get to see them on this trip. I said that it was just so hectic and with FIL's surgery/cancellation, it just did not happen. They obviously know something weird is going on in W's head. MIL (for the first time ever) ended the conversation by saying ILY. I responded by with ILY too. It is so hard not to tell them what is really going on, but I cannot see how this will bring me closer to my goals and could take me away from them.

It was also hard to avoid negative thoughts about W, especially knowing that she stayed so long in Austin primarily to spend more time with OM. I am not sure how much longer I can do this, but I am determined to give her space and time to find out if this is really who she is.

I thought again about letting OM's W know what is going on (for her sake), but I suspect that he has done this for most of their M and that she does not want to know the details. Again, it is hard to see how this could possibly get me closer to my goals.

Today, the kids are going swimming with their cousins and we will laze around and get ready to drive back home tomorrow. Dinner with family tonight.

Take care my friends, SD

[Nomopo]

Have a safe drive buddy, and Happy Birthday again Old Man!

[C_K]

SD

great to see you are keeping an eye on your Goal , its something thats easy to let slip in the hope that we will get a quick win but it can be at the expense of loosing the war.

Dave

[SuperDad]

Dave,
Yeah, my goals...I am really struggling with this. On one hand, I do want my family to be put back together again, in a better way than before. On the other hand, I now see all of the compromises that I have made over the years and am starting to think how much better it would be to just be rid of her. I am afraid that I will become the real WAS. I have had several (really good) job offers out of town and it would be so easy to file for D and just go. If we did not have those two precious, innocent children, I am sure I would already have filed.

Now the hard part, where does that leave me? What are my goals?

To start with, my goals from March (and there status) were:

High Level: Develop a strategy which has the best chance of resulting in a happy future for me, my wife, and our children, whether that is with us in a marriage or divorced.

Goals focused on me:

1. Be a happier, healthier, more attractive person by doing things for me
a. race in a triathlon - run and swim min. 3 times per week (DONE/ON-GOING), then race in a 10k .(TO BE DONE) , then buy a bike for my 40th bday in Aug.(TO BE DONE-bike is picked out and I will order this week) and enter race in the fall. .(TO BE DONE)
b. spend less of my free time thinking about work and politics and more on fitness and music. Get my old violin from my brother, buy a violin for Austin for his birthday (ACCOMPLISHED/ON-GOING)
c. find a new style - hair, clothes? - start looking at internet, magazines for ideas by end of March. (DONE/ON-GOING)

2. Be a great dad to my kids by spending more time with them doing things they want to do (see no. 10) and by
a. helping them more with school, Could still do more here
b. reading to them, Esp. with S8 doing this regularly, trying more with S6 as well
c. working with them on activities such as biking, soccer, violin helped coach S8 soccer, teaching him violin, need to do more with S6

3. Create a great career opportunity for me in Austin. (First choice: Convince current Co. to set up an office in Austin. First step submit business plan for review by March 31) NOT ACHIEVED, NEED TO REFOCUS ON A NEW GOAL

4. Live a bit more for today and stop worrying so much about the future
a. Suggest to go out to eat whenever W is uncertain about what to cook and when I just feel like it. (DONE)
b. Buy cut flowers for the house every week. (DONE)
Rented a hotel room at the beach for 2 days on the way to TX with no input from W, a first.

Goals focused on the way W and I interact:
5. Be supportive of W by helping more around the house
a. make bed in morning, (Aug 2007 accomplished)
b. fold clothes, (Aug 2007 accomplished)
c. wash dishes in evening, (Aug 2007 accomplished)
d. sweep floor, (SOMETIMES, but less than at first)
e. suggest that we eat out more. (Aug 2007 accomplished, but we are spending $ faster than I earn it, need to refocus somehow)
f. help in planning/preparing meals more. (NEEDS WORK)

6. Leave work by 5:05 every day and use the time to work on the above. (Aug 2007 >75% accomplished, but slipping)

7. Give W space and time to be herself, work through her mid life crisis. Do not discuss our relationship unless she brings it up. (Aug 2007 only 3 times in 4 months did we discuss R. This has definitely helped as she has not in this entire time said that she feels like she wants to run away.) Do not tell her I love her. (Aug 2007 accomplished -seems to have lowered the stress level so far)

8. Empathize when she talks about problems, do not try to solve them. (Aug 2007 - ACCOMPLISHED/ON-GOING but she does not talk much to me anymore about her problems)

9. When W talks to me, stop everything else, look into her eyes, and just listen. (Aug 2007 - Doing this half-heartedly, need to improve and focus on this.)

10. Do not push W/the kids: Only do (recreational) things with them that they are enthusiastic about. (Aug 2007 – doing much better on this, but I also have been having trouble working with S8 on violin without having him get upset with me and vice versa. Need to work on this. Same with S6 on bike riding.)

Goals related to the changes I want to see (progress monitoring)
11. W will initiate conversations with me voluntarily. (Happening, but not progressing to anything else??)

12. Get a complement from W at least once a week. ( Not Happening, but she is saying thanks a lot more)

13. W suggest that we do something alone as a couple together. (by end of May) (she asked me to go out with her twice, once in April and once in May, nothing since then, maybe related to our stress over the move and then not to Austin.)

14. W question her judgment that marriage is not for her and that she does not want a lifelong commitment. (how to judge this??) (by end of summer) (Aug 2007 – she has not asked for a divorce, but also not working on M)

15. W find me attractive again. (Judge based upon statements she makes or showing physical desire towards me such as unprompted touching, try to hug or kiss me, etc.) (show some progress by end of May) (Aug 2007 NOT ACCOMPLISHED except for some small touches in the past 2 weeks, initiated by me.)

16. Develop a more honest, open relationship with W in which we can directly address our emotional, financial, and physical needs/concerns. (Long term goal - by end of year) (Aug 2007 SOME PROGRESS on being able to discuss/resolve issues, need to try this with financial situation)

Basically, I have done nearly all that I set out to do in March, but have seen very little positive change in my W. I can only guess why:
1. She is really done and there is nothing left to do.
2. She is suffering from depression and until she gets help, there is nothing I can do.
3. She is in MLC/obsessed with her EA. Once this progresses further, there may be other opportunities, but for now, there is little I can do to get her to work on our R.
4. Some combination of above.

I am thinking that it is probably 2. and 3., but could be 1., 2. and 3. Now, to refocus on my new goals....
SD

[SuperDad]

My first attempt on new goals is a subtle change in the High Level goal:
FROM:
Develop a strategy which has the best chance of resulting in a happy future for me, my wife, and our children, whether that is with us in a marriage or divorced.

TO:
Find my path with heart: One which will result in a happy future for me and our children, whether that is with us in a marriage or divorced.

More to follow on detailed goals.
SD

[Not Much Left]

I like it!
Sounds a lot like my goals, I need to work one of these up.

[Sara]

Hey SD,

Goals sound really good. Enjoyed meeting you at the Orlando DB event. Keep practicing those lindy hop steps now that you've got them. Didn't know it was your birthday. Now that you're out of the car, have a happy birthday!

[slowly]

Hi SD - Many happy returns And welcome to the better side of 40

Of course, the door is open for a new, self-aware W to come in to my life again.

This is such a positive expression - brava. There are two clear variables here - how long the door will stay open, and whether W will achieve the necessary degree of self awareness. Both are highly dependent on a single catalyst - what you do in the meantime. Hence the goals.

Find my path with heart: One which will result in a happy future for me and our children, whether that is with us in a marriage or divorced.

One of the hardest nuances in dbing is 'the beginner's mind'. Personally I find scenario based goals more than a distraction, too. Before we met our spouses/partners, most of us yearn for 'someone to share our life with' - and this means shared values, joy, sorrow, laughter and tears.

I'm not sure this difficulty should rob that from your life. It should be entirely possible to chart a happy future for you and your children 'with a life partner who is positively engaged". I feel this is an important distinction, because part of your day-to-day communications with W may have to include feedback on what you would deem acceptable in a life partner. To couch your vision along the 'married or divorced' may steer your thoughts, words and actions away from a better outcome.

On the other hand, I now see all of the compromises that I have made over the years and am starting to think how much better it would be to just be rid of her.

Just thinking out loud here - is it really a binary choice? Could there be room for you to make fewer compromises? This can be such a subjective area - I know on a good day, I feel the compromises are worth it, and on a bad day, the very same compromises can seem too costly. The only way to self-manage seems to be to list them, and often discover that what I thought was a compromise was in fact a no-brainer.

One of my dear friends has been an inspiration on how to influence an 'unconscious' spouse. Her husband is a managing director of a busy and successful business and at one point a couple of years ago, was not home to see their 4 kids, was working weekends, and generally not present as either husband or father. After about 6 months of no change, she decided to mount a campaign - I recall because we had been out for tea when she made the decision.

She waited to catch her husband doing something right, anything, no matter how small, and praised him to the children. She was deliberate about highlighting his intent, his action, and the impact on them (the result). I kid you not, the positive reinforcement took just about a month to kick in results - he now delegates more, and is more present in the family. Sounds obvious, but sometimes it is the smallest thing that creates the right ripples. Gotta say, it is hard work, and I often forget. But when NG and I have a widening gulf between us, this technique never fails to work - because it reminds me to be more appreciative, and WOA is a major love language with him

At this juncture, could this be worth trying (maybe again, if you had done so in the past) with W?

Slowly

[Not Much Left]

Wow
Thanks Slowly, from all of us. I wish I (we all) could get to the stage where some of this would be effective.

C

[Nomopo]

Great work SD. Keep tweaking.

Great post Slowly.