H came over last night & even though FA says to feed H dinner is cake eating I just can't turn down food to someone who is hungry ( even if he is H who continues to hurt me). I was almost finished cooking when he came in and said he was starving and looking at the food like, are you gonna offer me some? I said well I made plenty help your self.
Backing up a bit: Earlier in the day yesturday I emailed H some things that were on my mind since last weekend was total drama. Since I told H no more sleep overs @ OW's w/ the girls & that if he wanted to do that to make this thing LEGAL once & for all to go & file. H was furious and said he would be filing this week. The email was as follows:
Children need to have structure & boundaries. I know that people who have affairs have no boundaries to live by & that is why they can live their life day by day w/out a care of how it affects the ones close to them.Can you imagine if everyone in the world lived their lives w/out any boundaries? We have children invovled & someone has to be the responsible parent and set up boundaries. Just like your mother told you she will not stay over @ your place while you are still married b/c she does not condone, your children will not either until we are divorced.
You see my intentions are not to hurt you it is the boundadries within that my children will live by even though their father thinks it is perfectly normal to live this way. People in affairs justify their actions everyday to convince themselves this is the normal way w/out any morals.
I dont know if you have filed already or if this is what you really want. BUT if you honestly want to make things right and you still want to return home, then do it. Dont wait until the wekend or the next week, dont analize it anymore & just go for it. (the reason i told him this is b/c he was always saying he wants to return but he doesn't think I want him to come back) Wait any longer & it will be too late. ( i said this b/c I will see an attorney this Friday)
Like I said before I will not stand in your way if you still file.
Basically I want him to know the door is not completely shut yet. Just leaving it up to him now.
chicki, That was very right on your part to send that to him. Children should not be pulled into that situation and he shouldn't even be trying that while there is no D.
So how are you dealing with the possibility of him filing for D? Are you ok with that? Are you trying to still work things out with him? Does he really seem like he wants the D or just saying that?
I got a call from the H yesterday at work to say that he has filed. I gave him the same line about not standing in his way but to also let him know that the door is not shut yet. I also called his mother to let her know because maybe once the D goes thru than H might start trying to bring OW around his family and children but she is a complete sleazy pig and I told my MIL what she is like because she will have to watch out for my kids on what pig my H is bringing around them. He still isn't saying anything right now to me or his parents about her but all of our friends know.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
I try to watch my words to H b/c he takes everything to heart the bad way all the time.
I see your stich is still VERY new. I got the bomb back in 8/06,but denied any affair for many months after even when I found proof one month later. H wanted a D right away first & then a S,but I would not give it to him & said I was not going to sign anything just yet. H EA was going on for maybe two years (co worker) until I found out & I stopped having sex w/ him (my descion) & THEN is when I belive it became PA he could not understand why I would not have sex w/ him??? H had the D papers drafted and months went by & I did not sign & it expired? I found out many time they dont want the D,but will just have the papers drafted to "show" the Ow they are actively working on it!! WHen I was getting tired of waiting I said ok I will sign so he re did it oen month later I signed adn handed it to him by saying" her what you wanted now go & celebrate your freedonm w/ your woman"! I was in a PMA(faking of coarse) and al dolle dup ready to GAL (weekday mind you). This is when H had his first break down (crying) thought I was seeing somone else & said he did not want a D & why did I want to sign it so quickly now? The papers I have signed since May & he will not file says he will not get OW hopes up for nothing just yet.
My H is still confused. In a way I its good I kicked him out b/c he starting t o see the grass for its real color but in away I just dont know for sure....
We were just IM'ng & I asked if he had taken me off his health insurance like he said he would b/c Ineeded to fill my script today. He said no he only said that b/c I mad him mad on Friday regarding the girls. About the girls- at first he would always say- well at least I dont take them to her place like she wants ...well that did not last long & he started to take them over nights on his weekends. We are not even legally seperated. That is why this weekend I said no more sleepovers. He was furious.
Dont give up Kelley! He may file but it still not over. Let him live the REAL life w/ her..he'll see
Oh, another note to our last night interaction. After H ate dinner ,I had already cleaned the dishes and he actually cleaned his dish. Then he sat watching tv for a while and fell asleep. I kept doing my hcores left over from the weekend that I did not finish (ugh laundry) and let him be. Its funny my six yr old said daddy must be really tired he fell asleep. After he awoke when I had taken a shower & closed my bedroom door to change & put lotion on & to put my robe over my PJ's i came out he was getting ready to leave by taking a few of his spanish cds? I thought to myself oh is he going back to his roots? His woman is country & hence has learned to Love country music.
Before he left he said "thanks for the nap"?? So all in all he was very cordial & respectful ( a good change ,respect, is what a family member had noticed some time back).
It seems as though H has been doing some thinking regards to my last email about how if he still wishes to come back home that it is fine w/ me now.
The last few times he's come over he was very thinkative in his own little world. Last night after we all ate dinner I could tell he wanted to talk but it was getting late(his OW's clock time) & the girls were still not bathed. As he was leaving he said"dont be surprised if I move back soon" D6 was in the LR w/ me watching tv & he looked at her like we really cant get into a R talk right now,but still wanted me to know. I replied you know I said you can. H- yeah but its not that she(OW) is just(making hand signals of i dont know? when someone is getting on your nerves ? crazy?) and w/ a look of disgust. It was ther I noticed just how badly/depressed let himself go? no hair cut in a while? he looked. I did not ask any questions and jsut gave him a look of concerned.
Question- If he does move back say this weekend how to I act? Do I continue to act as if? Do I wait until he tells me what went wrong w/ OW? AND the all time BIGGY- Do I let him sleep in my same bed right away??
Please let me know...someone who has been thru this???
I have been in it from the other side although when I was out I was neither seeing nor living with the former OW. Intially she let me stay in the same room, then she wanted me in the guest room, then she wanted me back in bed, then she wanted me in the guest room.
Point here chicki is if he comes back and wants to talk about things, it would be best if you tell him, I am committed to working it out, but you have to give me time to readjust. We have been through alot of emotinal issues and we need to continue to excersise patientence and persurverance with each other.
In other words, if you want him in bed then bring him in, if you don't then relagate him to a guest room. If you try something and it doesn't feel right or isn't yeilding results then try something else. Hope this helps.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I think my H has been stringing me along I dont know why excatly but maybe b/c he knows that w/three tiny ones I can take him for everything he's got.
I finally had an attorney review the agreement papers H had me sign. The attroney opened my eyes! I did not know that I did not HAVE to swap claiming the kids for taxes every year b/c I am the primary caretaker & H does make a good amount more than I. This is what H had written up on the papers. Also, she told me that even though I had already signed & notorized it was not set in stone b/c the papers did not state that I waive my appearance in court. Therefore, if H tried to file before me w/ these papers he can do so,but all I have to do is tell the judge that I have changed my mind on some things since I signed it.
I thought maybe my H would tke meup on moving back in by this weekend but he din't (again like he said he would). So, I have decided I am not waiting any longer. AND even though I will continue foward w/ the D - I did a no no by DB standards I guess b/c I knew this would be my last time having sex w/ H. H came by to give me some $ and I kept calling him back for little things. I gave him "the look" which H knows that look plus he knows for soem reasion I have been really needy in that sense the past week. I guess knowing this was gonna be our "last time" I did not care if he was using me and then going back to her. He kept saying how he needed to go meet some people & I just gave him the look. He was pulling open my chest drawers & said good all of these aren't filled up yet & dont cuz I will be using them soon. I said yeah I am tired of hearing that u have said that for the past couple of months now & I dont belive it anymore. He gae me a look kiss me on the forehead and then grabbed me like he was "doing me a favor". I said oh dont be giving me no pity sex either. Needless to say we did it. Call me the guy- no I am saying I dont feel bad b/c all I wanted was sex, alittle run in the hay for old times sake! Afterwards I told him if he wants me to contiunue w/ hiring the attorney. He asked what I wanted frm him if I wanted him to move back in. I paused gave him a good long look "like well, no not if you dont want too!" I said I am no longer gonna live in limbo anymore. THen I showed him my attorneys business card & told him I needed his fininacial affadavit. He said if I wanted to file then go a head b/c he was not going to do it. He said fine blow your money on that & I replied that my grandfather was helping me. H knows I dont have the $ for it & therefore thats why I have not done a thing. I know he still prolly thinks I will not go thru w/ it. He will be surprised.
God what is it w/ these OW? WHat kind of wicked hold is it they have on our H's?????
Sorry I did not get back sooner, it sounds like you are done and you have made up your mind that you deserve better than your husband! Good for you, you have made a choice for yourself and the kids! I wish you the best with this, and I am sorry to hear that it sounds like you and your H. have gotten into a flinching match! Who flinchs first, I understand your pain with knowing he has an OW and I don't blame you for being done with the relationship!
I just hope you and H. work out something good for the kids and your H. continues to fill his fatherly responsibilites. I also hope the OW is good mother figure since it seems she will probably be involved since he is so screwed up, I doubt he can do things on his own.
The grip they have whether it be OW or OM is the prey on peoples displeasure and try to show them how great it can be. They treat the other person like a first or second date, all affectionate and loving. You know all the things most of us have taken for granted for years. Because if we didn't in some form or another than why would we be here.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
