Living with my WAW 3

[Nomopo]

He strongly stated that it was critical to get her to go to IC and suggested that I should try to talk to my sister in law about it. Not mention details of W's dirty laundry, just say something like:

"SIL, you know that W and I are having trouble with our marriage. I am not sure if our M has a chance or not, and I know that I could have done many things much better in our M. I have been attending IC for several months and it has really helped me to understand what I need to make me happy.

I still care for W deeply and am very concerned about her. I believe that W could similarly benefit from counseling, and I have mentioned this to her, but she seems hesitant to go. If you also think that she could benefit from counseling, I would appreciate it if you could discuss this with her.

Note that we are all at SIL's house for the next 2 days and W has been here for a week and will stay for a few more days before we all drive back to FL (15 hours). I am not sure
1. If this is a good idea.
2. If now is the right time.

Anyhow, I appreciate any input!

SD

I think it is a good idea. Don't know if it will work or not, but I think it is worth a try. I only seeing it hurting if W finds out and gets mad at you for doing it. Why not add something like you contemplated once before about "if W finds out I asked you to do this (or if she thinkis it is coming from me), she may very well shut down and refuse it for that reason alone"?

What would be a better time? I think doing it in person would be better than over the phone. That was SIL can she your face and can see that you just care about your W and the mother of your kids.

Nomo

[SuperDad]

Thanks Mopo,
I will try to get a few words with her while I am here, tough since W is always around when SIL is here!
SD

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
Well, my time here in Austin is good, but not great, since my W's PMA is non-existant. I think the fact that I am interfering with her time with OM is one part of it, but also the fact that she had to let her sis know that we don't share sleeping quarters any more probably is a contributor.

For my part, I have been nothing but upbeat. She took the kids with her to see an old friend of her's this morning. We then took the kids to a spring fed pool (brrr!) and out for snow cones. I invited W to come to dinner with me to see an old HS friend of ours (mostly mine) and his finance. She said she would rather not go and I responded with an upbeat "OK that's fine."

Tomorrow we are going to a great state park on a river near Austin. Afterwards, we will go to dinner with her siblings and our kids for my bday. I thought to invite W to go out afterwards to see a band or to the poetry slam that is going on here, but have decided against it. Instead I am going to another old friend's place to catch up. Maybe I will go out anyway afterwards.

We discussed our plans for the rest of the week. She suggested that I take the kids with me when I leave on Wed. (Obviously so she can get in some more time with OM.) I am doing it for three reasons
(1) She has to choose to pursue our R on her own, and me standing in the way of her and OM will only reduce the odds of this happening.

(2) I am not so sure I want her back. Outside of the kids and finances, I am having a hard time of finding a reason that I really would choose her. Every day that goes by with me having more fun than ever and free to dream again without considering her infinite number of conditions to be met makes me want to just end it.

(3) I will never pass up time with my boys. After a week without her, and a low stress one at that, I see that the source of the tension in our household comes from her, not from them!

BTW, dinner with my buddy was great. We chatted with his finance (awesome, centered girl) and then ate dinner together. I could not help but to give him a bit of advice on his pending marriage, as well as on his R with his dad who he does not talk to. Maybe it makes a difference, maybe not. But ya gotta try!

Well, that's enough for now!

SD

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
Today was a great one. I spent the a.m. with W and kids at one of our favorite places on the planet, a great state park on a beautiful river in the hills. On a tuesday a.m., it is your own private playground. Kids and I swam in the rapids and did some rock climbing. W sunbathed and watched.

I had an appt. at the university to talk about what I would need to do to shift careers to academia. Not easy, but no harder than DBing!

After lunch and I then took the kids to a the other spring fed pool in town where they had wanted to go yesterday. Again a perfect spot and we had a fantastic time diving down to look for fish, swimming in the 67 deg. water, and laying in the 95 deg. sun.

Finally, we met up with W, SIL and BIL for my birthday dinner. I was supposed to drive with SIL and kids, with W and BIL in other car. Kids wanted to ride with W and BIL, so I got a few minutes alone with SIL (prayers answered?!).

I went through the talk I outlined yesterday and it went great! She said she could tell that W was not thinking clearly and that she was considering recommending counseling. She understood that any mention that we had discussed it would be counterproductive. At the end she asked how I was handling it. I told her that these past months had been the saddest of my life, but did not give any details. She said that this was very different than the story W gave her in that she was lead to believe that I was also happy to move on!! I ended by saying that I did not want to bias her against W because W needed her family and friends to support her. SIL said support emotionally, yes, but not to unconditionally accept their bad decisions! YIKES, I hope this turns out OK!

Anyway, dinner was pleasant and we came back to SIL's house before I went to visit another old friend of ours and hiw W. Again W declined to come. As I left, big hugs for kids and SIL. Light pat/rub on the back for W.

Had a great time at friends. Totally smart/cute 3 year old. Caught up on a few years of missed conversations.

Thanks to all who provided the support I needed to have this convo. with SIL. I will keep you posted on the results.

SD

[cliffy]

I am a little jealous of the swimming, etc. It is hotter than he!! up here. SS was at the sitters today, bad day to try and work outside.
I went through a similar convo with SIL several months ago, glad I did it, but certainly did have some backlash. Not all bad though.
It is good to see you centered and doing what is best for you. In the end if you choose to take a seperate path, at least you know it is the best one.

[Nomopo]

Sounds good GD. Fingers crossed for you on SIL stuff and sitch generally.

[SuperDad]

Thanks Cliffy and Nomo.

We will see if my "path with heart" and my W's path follow one another or not. It is really hard to even keep the door open right now as I am only seeing her bad characteristics and having a hard time remembering what it was that brought us together in the first place!

We shall see.

SD

[slowly]

Hi there SD - This is an interesting phase in the whole dbing process. You are detached, almost to the point of WA yourself. She remains conflicted.

She said she could tell that W was not thinking clearly and that she was considering recommending counseling. She understood that any mention that we had discussed it would be counterproductive.

Is this one of W's siblings whose spouse had an a with another sibling's spouse? Either way, she seems like a grounded person, who has either suffered directly from the eposide that you feel triggered your W's depression, or has at the very least, been exposed to the same pain, and seems to have bounced back. Either your W is genuinely more fragile, of incredibly self indulgent. Hopefully SIL's encouragement for IC will be well recceived

At the end she asked how I was handling it. I told her that these past months had been the saddest of my life, but did not give any details. She said that this was very different than the story W gave her in that she was lead to believe that I was also happy to move on!!

Of course, classic MLC lens - everyone else wants the same thing they do!

Do nothing peppered with 180s seems like a good strategy, by the way.

Slowly

[SuperDad]

Thanks for the input Slowly.

Is this one of W's siblings whose spouse had an a with another sibling's spouse? Either way, she seems like a grounded person, who has either suffered directly from the eposide that you feel triggered your W's depression, or has at the very least, been exposed to the same pain, and seems to have bounced back.

Yes to all. She has a new boyfriend, but took about 2 years before she started dating and spent that time re-establishing her career, sense of Self, and PMA.

Either your W is genuinely more fragile, of incredibly self indulgent.

Unfortunately, she is incredibly strong willed and, in the throes of MLC, also incredibly self-inidulgent! The question I am asking myself is..."Is this the real W?" Since she was the youngest of 4 kids with 18 yrs. between her and oldest sib, she was spoiled rotten. Actually, I called her "SR" when we were dating! Should have been a sign!

Hopefully SIL's encouragement for IC will be well recceived

So do I, but my expectations are low!

Do nothing peppered with 180s seems like a good strategy, by the way.

It is all I can manage for the time being, so it will have to be. I thought of asking her to go out on Tuesday, but instead did a 180 and just did my own thing without inviting her. She is right now glad that I have "moved on". Which I have from the person she is today. Of course, the door is open for a new, self-aware W to come in to my life again.

Thanks again, SD

[Not Much Left]

Happy 40th SD!