The Plank is out of my eyes, but too late for WAW?

[waw1978]

Hey there. Just wondering how your day went yesterday?

I know it probably got the wheels turning. Hope you did something positive for yourself instead of focusing on the what if's...

[Heimlich]

Had a good/bad day. Woke up with vertigo (for me, eyes can't focus on anything. Room spins. It's like when you're so drunk taht you have to put your foot on the floor when laying in bed to stop the room from spinning except that the room never stops spinning.) Passed by 2 or so. Actually had the pleasure of meeting Matt for coffee at 4. That was good.

Wheels are turning slow, so haven't commented on your thread, but will soon.

BD

[delia]

Good morning Heimlich--

You sound like you're not quite on an even keel!

(((Hugs)))

[Not Much Left]

H
Vertigo? What is happening?

CVA

[Heimlich]

Vertigo is some inner ear thing. I'm not quite sure what sets it off for me (I think some combo of over tired and reading too much online), but basically it's like being dizzy non-stop until it passes. My Mom has it as well (I consider myself lucky, my brother got the migraines. Our youngest bro got neither. Lucky little shiite.)

3 years ago I had it so bad that I literally couldn't stand up. Got out of bed and fell over/down. Laid in bed for three days and just slept/listened to TV with my eyes closed. Anytime I opened my eyes it was like the vertical hold (remember that on TVs?) was off in my life, except the vertical hold was horizontal for me -- if that makes sense.

Still feeling physically a little off-kilter, but much, much better.

BD

[Heimlich]

Cribbing from Nomo and posting a few things here to refer back to for my own edification.

Think of it like this:

If you want to drive to a beach in Florida, how do you get there? Do you just drive in the general direction and hope it feels right? Of course not! You follow a road map. You have very specific directions and you follow them.

Of course, it is possible to get to your destination without a map, but you'll get there faster and more easily by using one. And if you don't use your map, there's a good chance of not making it there at all, right?

And what if you take a wrong turn along the way? Do you give up and think there's no chance of ever getting to the beach? No! You turn around and find your way back and continue from where you left off.

But what if the road is filled with potholes? It's a bumpy ride and not very comfortable, but it is still clearly the best way to the beach, according to your map. You would still take the road, right?

Now here's a tricky one...A roadblock with no detour. What do you do? You start by turning around, then you break out your map and find a different way to get there!

You probably see where I'm taking this. All you need to do is follow directions. You have your road map...Use it!

If you take a wrong turn, correct for it! Get back on track as soon as possible. You're unfamiliar with your road, so use the map and use it often.

Bumpy ride full of potholes? Deal with the discomfort, knowing that it's still the best way to go.

But what about the road block? You can't pass it. The way you're going isn't working. You can't pass the road block. Time to do a 180! Spin it around, get your map out and try a different way!

Remember to stay fueled up! (Eat, sleep, etc.). DON'T SPEED! Go the limit. If you run out of fuel or go too fast, you'll get yourself into an even bigger mess.

You have the map. You have people (here) to help give you directions where the map is smeared or just doesn't seem to make sense. Use them!

I know it sounds like I'm making it overly simple. And I am. Sometimes breaking things down to their simplest form is what makes them the easiest to understand. Remember that it's your own mind telling you that it can't be that easy.

EAA

Dlt1,

I appreciate your responses to my thread, so I wanted to give back a little!

I am by no means, an expert...But I've had a chance to make some realizations, through trial and error, and I would like to share my thoughts, for what they're worth.

1. STOP TRYING TO FIX YOUR M. Seriously. Think of the M as a piece of paper. Nothing more than a legal document. Instead, remember all of the things that made you and your W sign that legal document. Before anything else, you were a good friend to her, right? Are you being a good friend now? Truly? If say, a male friend of yours was dealing with the death of a close family member, would you feel the need to pressure this friend? Or would you gladly and genuinely respect their space and offer a handshake? I'm assuming the handshake would be enough, even if this was a friend you REALLY cared about. Do that. Be a true friend and realize, for yourself, that the friendship that the M was based on may be more important than the legal document. Looking at it this way can make it easier to back off AND to help yourself. Friends shoudn't be pushy. Friends accept.

Next, remember that it was based on love. Love, love, love. Don't love like a H, love like a family member. Don't express it in words, but in actions. I have absolutely no doubt that your WAW loves you in this way, so be happy with it. Understand that her objective isn't to cause you pain, and be happy with that. Pain is just an unfortunate side effect.

2. FORGIVE! Do it for yourself. Forgive everything that has hurt you and forgive completely. I forgive my WAW every morning when I wake up alone. It works! You will feel better. You can't change what has happened, so don't think about it. If you count the days, the pain will mount up. Just let go of the past and deal with TODAY. Today may hurt too, but don't hurt for yesterday and tomorrow hasn't been written yet. Today is the only thing you have any real control over. Don't forget your ultimate goal, but don't focus on it. Instead, focus on a goal for each day, but remember where you're going. Does that make sense? Focus on happiness today. You can find some, if you look. Focus on that. Be thankful for any happiness and forgive any pain.

3. REMEMBER THAT SHE CANNOT HURT YOU. She already did, and that part is over. She has already told you the most devastating thing she can say, and you're still alive. Any more pain you feel is pain that you allow or even create in yourself. I'm not suggesting that you can always avoid the current pain. Not at all. There will be times when it's too much. But you can realize that it's YOUR pain and your responsibility. Any smile you crack during a day is better than the way you felt when she asked for a D. Don't let you hurt yourself. Only you have control of this.

4. DON'T BLAME HER. Understand that she did not plan this, and it hurts her too. Most likely, she's not trying to punish you by not returning texts or messages. She's just dealing with the pain in the best way she knows how. That's exactly the same thing you're doing. You've just found a better way. Take pride in that. And that's another reason to keep DB'ing! You know that what you're doing is best, so stand by it. She's standing by her way, right? Let her do it. In time, she may discover that your way is better.

5. DON'T CALL, TEXT, ETC. If you must, there had better be a good reason. If you MUST call occasionally, have a good reason. Even if it's a fake reason, make it seem real. Keep it very short and start out as all business. If you have time, make a quick joke or tell a VERY short funny story. If she laughs, be happy. If not, then let her be unhappy and distant. Her reaction shouldn't affect you negatively at all. Regardless of the reaction, get off the phone! Be happy with the moment you had and don't be greedy. Hang up first. It may feel like you're giving up on something that's going well. You're not. You're knowing when to stop it from getting worse. If you hang up while everything seems good, you both win! Both of you will have each had a pleasant experience for the day, and that will be what she remembers of you for the day.

6. LET HER FEEL PAIN. This one has been extraordinarily hard for me. I hate to see W in any kind of pain. My natural instinct is to comfort her and tell her that everything will be okay. But if you do that, you're showing her that she is in charge and you have no control. You're showing her that she has nothing to lose, because you'll always be there. Let her hurt. Let her heart crave happiness. If, like me, you simply can't stand it, change the subject to something lighter. Smile and be happy. She will have to deal with the pain on her own. Remember, the ball is in her court. Don't make it an easy decision for her.

7. BE HAPPY. I know you've read that a thousand times now, but it's true. If you fake it for awhile and make an effort, it will become real for you. You CAN be happy, but you may have to work at it. Find happiness in everything and focus on that. You are the only person that can control your emotions. No one else. So you might as well be happy. Being miserable isn't going to get you anywhere. It won't solve anything. Happiness will, at the very least, make you feel better...And at the most, make you someone your W would like to be with. In either scenario, you end up better than if you remained miserable.

8. CONTINUE WITHOUT CHANGE. Even if you feel that you're getting somewhere, don't change your attitude. If the situation seems to be improving, resist the urge to change your behavior. Keep doing exactly the same thing. It's obviously working, right? Then don't stray from it. I expect that she will be crytal clear when she's ready for the two of you to make a change together. Until then, stick with what you know works...Otherwise, you risk undoing all the good you've done.

You can do this! No matter what, remember that. YOU can.

Best of luck,

EAA

[Kelley]

Just a quick journal entry.


I'm just remembering how happy and in love we were and, well, I just don't have the words to describe how it feels now. Disillusioned. Melancholy. Disappointed, both with her and me.

Man, how the hell did we get here? How do you let yourself forget to treat the most important person in your life like the most important person in your life?



In a weird way, what she did was a good thing (though I could have done without the jumpstart of an actual A). It did get me out of my rut. Would probably still be drifting otherwise.


BD

The other day I was driving in my car and Bryan Adams song was playing on the radio which is the one that we danced to at our wedding. You know the one, I'd die for you, walk the line for you then right after came on the Nickleback song Someday. The one that goes how the hell did we wind up like this, why weren't we able to see the signs that we missed and try to turn the table. I was thinking boy these songs couldn't be any more truer of how we started out and how we ended up. It is just amazing what time can do to a R.

I know what you mean about this being weird in a good way. It pulled me out of my rut in the R but now he is done. I pray to God every night that he will wake up my H and have him start to realize what good we had and what good things could be again if we both started trying. I think my H has closed his eyes, head and heart to all of that. How can I expect him to try with me when he isn't even trying with his kids.

[Heimlich]

A little journaling. 8/1-2/07

Picked up the girls and W from BWI. Plane was delayed out of Nashville, so we didn't get home until about 1:40ish.

W still isn't wearing her ring. That fantasy busted. Didn't expect her to have it on, but still, hurts. Of course got lots of hugs and kisses from the girls. Got the half-way to the side friend hug and a kiss on the cheek from W. Then she made a point to stand away from me. I know this already, but she really is set in her mind that it's over. The worst part is, I still don't have a good reason. She had mentioned in counselling that she could see me changing, but that she just wasn't sure she wanted to be with me anymore. Ouch, but OK, fair enough. But her whole it's over because I don't feel the spark and I can't feel the spark so it's over and you can't work at getting the spark because it might not come back because it's a spark and I don't feel that spark "logic" is really starting to pi . . . er, aggravate me. Lock that thought in a box and throw away the key.

Got home, brought the bags in. Helped the girls get into bed. Went upstairs to get my toothbrush (back to sleeping in the basement) and gave her another quick hug.

Talked to our oldest on the way back, she was asking me what I had done while I was back. I told her I started taking dancing lessons. It was dark, but got a sense of coldness from the W, like she got tense or disapproved or something (remember I had asked her to do this together, as a way to do something together that we always watned to do, but she declined. Actually, she just never responded, didn't even have the courtesy to decline.). Made some idle chit-chat on the way home. Nothing much. She was tired and had been fighting a headache, so wasn't really expecting much interaction from her. No problem with that, but a little interest in how I spent my time would have been nice. No interest expressed by her at all. Well, effe her. Sorry, had to get that out.

Well, tomorrow, er, today is a new day. Guess it's time to start DBing in earnest. I can't even say I'm on a rollercoaster yet, I feel like I'm strapped in and we're going down fairly quickly. Hope there's a bottom and a climb in the future.

Don't know if there are any Chris Rock fans out there, but he's got the bit about married men. One part is, you wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say "Effe you. Effe your dreams and what you want. Now. Let's get out there and make that bitch happy." Now, of course, what I want is to be happy with the lovely woman that I married. That's my dream. But it sure as hell feels a little bit like that right now, doesn't it?

BD

[Disillussioned]

But her whole it's over because I don't feel the spark and I can't feel the spark so it's over and you can't work at getting the spark because it might not come back because it's a spark and I don't feel that spark "logic" is really starting to pi . . . er, aggravate me. Lock that thought in a box and throw away the key.

Heimlich,
I haven't been doing the DBing for as long as you, but my wife has almost the same issue with the 'spark'. Last time we were discussing the R, she had no interest in doing anything about encouraging that spark. Thought it should should just be there and / or come naturally. I was just thinking how difficult it is to get that spark going if you keep dumping water on it. Oh, well.

Last night was a decent night for us as far as talking and physical contact in general. We still sleep in the same bed, so that's a positive, but I guess I need to prepare myself for the potential downslide and take things one step at a time. I'll be going out drinking with a friend tonight, so I'm looking forward to that. It'll be good to get away and maybe have her wondering for a change.

Looks like we have a lot in common as far as the ages, kids, etc. We have a girl and boy ages 8 and 5. I thought it was a seven year itch. I thought it would be pretty solid making it past ten years.

[C_K]

I loved that trip to the beach post!

Got the half-way to the side friend hug and a kiss on the cheek from W. Then she made a point to stand away from me.

That sucks Got plenty of that sort of stuff when W was still at home , try not to let it get to you , it doesnt matter how she feels she not going to show any real affection at this stage.

but a little interest in how I spent my time would have been nice. No interest expressed by her at all.

That goes with the territory as well . Even as things are now My W is so self centred that I could have spent the day shoveling coal in hell and W would say " thats nice , let me tell you about my day blah blah .....)

Had to get that out too

Dave