Not so fast!

[indybyathread]

I handled another situation today better than I would have in the past. I stupidly brought up the fact that, if he does get his own place, taking his senile cat out of my house would be the one bonus for me. He said, that's not the only thing, you'll have all that extra time without the kids to worry about. I said, every other weekend I guess but... He said he'd have them two nights during the week too. I said, not on school nights. He said, why not, he would take them to school in the morning.

I freaked out inside, not sure why. Lots of fearful ideas wrapped up in that one: fear for my son's ability to stay on track as he begins middle school, fear of being unable to control their environment, fear of being alone... Anyway, I started lecturing him on the responsibilities that he would have to take on for that to happen. I said that I was not looking for an argument but that he had to understand that I was only going to be further inconvenienced by this and, although I understood that things were going to have to change, that I would not accept any scenario that made life for our son more difficult. He agreed, the good student and I the domineering teacher walked away feeling like crap.

HERE'S THE GOOD PART: I took some time to think this over and realized that I handled my fear by going into control mode. I asked to speak with him and said that I was sorry for doing that. I said that nothing had to be decided right now and that, if he will make sure that he stays connected and on top of what is happening at school, it won't really matter where our son does his homework. I apologized for the lecture. He gave me a hug.

NOW THE BAD PART: I snooped. Couldn't control myself. I read his texts from this weekend. They were all to his EA and very sweet and very much acting like he was miserable here. Can't wait to see her tonight. Want to kill him! Want to kill her! I think they are getting closer and closer to a PA. I wish he would just do it and get it over with! Now I have to feel like crap again for doing the snooping in the first place and for learning exactly what I didn't want to know!

One step forward, two giant steps back!

[BeingMe]

You are doing the best you can. I think you did great!

As for snooping ... don't beat yourself up too much about it. Sometimes, we need to know what's going on, but your H is in MLC, so he will lie to OW (he will also be doing the 'poor me' act, to illicit sympathy from the OW), and he will lie to you, and he will lie to himself. So, not sure how much the information helps you, except to upset you.

Just take it one day at a time, and concentrate on detaching from his drama, and making sure the kids are okay, and GAL as best you can. It will be nice when you have time to focus on your needs as an individual, as YOU, not just mom or W, or worrying about your M, etc. Take that time when the kids are with H, and really use it to relax, and invest time into things that you are passionate about.

Take care.

[indybyathread]

Thank you! After posting that last message I did some soul searching and realized that trying to be his friend, to be accomodating, etc. was killing me. I told him that I needed to change everything. I said that he was welcome to use the house to be with the kids for as long as he needed it but that I couldn't be here. That being his friend was just not enough for me at this point and that I needed to distance myself from him as much as possible to make myself understand that I didn't need him to be my knight anymore. I told him that I loved him and that would never change but that I need to stay away from him as much as possible so I can quit living my life hoping for something that is probably never going to happen.

It will be the hardest thing I have done to date but I know I need to do it. Not committing to going completely dark, really can't with two kids but, after his parents visit next week, I am cutting off all "family time" until he makes it clear that he wants to be with me. I doubt that will ever happen. It is so scary to know that this might be the end of anything resembling "us" but I know I have to do it. I'm really, really scared and so sad.

[BeingMe]

I think this is a good idea. Probably didn't have to share about how you feel about him, or what you plan, but it's done now, so don't tell him again that you love him, or that you are distancing yourself, etc. He may see that as trying to manipulate. Just do what needs doing with no explanation (you don't owe him one). All he needs to know is anything pertaining to the children, and business (such as finances and any other legal stuff).

Don't worry about what the future may or may not hold. Take it one day at a time, and try and live in the now with as much integrity as you can, without pursuing your H. You are right that you can't be his friend right now .... that is too much to expect of a LBS ... I sometimes wonder why these WAS's even imagine that that is a possibility, then I remember that they are in MLC, and totally illogical, and not themselves at all.

Just realise (and, I think you have) that even this semi-darkness is going to be difficult so keep yourself busy when he has the children. For now, focus on YOU, not trying to save your M, but trying to save yourself and move through this crisis with as much dignity as you can.

And, of course you're scared and sad ... totally normal. I was terrified during that time of my sitch. Oh grief, I had no idea what I was going to do. I think most of us, if not all, go through periods of sadness and fear, then we find a spot of peace and clarity, and detachment, and those periods get longer and longer. Just keep focusing on the NOW, and being happy within yourself, with or without your H.

Thinking of ya!

[indybyathread]

I am not sure what I expected his response to be from my email, I guess I knew it would be something that made little sense but was not prepared for this:

"I want words to come. I'm not ignoring you...please understand.

I'm terrified. I needed to be I know. The complacency was killing me and I couldn't see past it. I know what I'm feeling is probably a 10th of what you've gone through...but it's debilitating and all encompassing. It has to be.

So quickly I run out of words. I'm not done...I just have to collect emotion and put them in form."

That was about two hours ago. I have NO IDEA what the heck that means and have not replied. He's afraid of what? Having the chance to really be free of me, what he has been saying from day one absolutely has to happen before he can discover who he is? I get that the whole MLC thing is about not being in one's right mind but... WTF???

[BeingMe]

No, it doesn't make sense! Your H surely is in a place all his own. Perhaps you shouldn't respond for a few days, and just think about it. Very confusing email, indeed.

[NikB]

Indy - wow, and I thought my H was the king of cryptic responses.

I'd try not to think about it too much as I don't think it'll make any sense no matter how long you stare at it... hope you get something else soon that makes more sense!

[indybyathread]

Thanks to both of you for responding to my posts. I have a feeling things are going to get really tough for me now and I sure appreciate having this place to go for support. Not doing too well today. Feel very afraid. Not sure if it is afraid that I won't be able to keep this up and will give in to being the part time family he wants me to be or if I will actually be able to detach and lose him forever. Some of both I guess.

Never did get anything more from him. He was here last night and seemed contrite but had nothing to add to his strange message earlier. I pretty much stayed as far away from him as I could get without beind obvious. I got sad before he left and got caught crying in my room. He said, "I don't suppose a hug would help?" I said he was right and that I would be fine, that I had to teach myself a new way of doing things and it was a little scary, that's all. I said, "Don't worry, I will be fine." He said, "I hope I'll be." Couldn't help but chuckle at that. "I'm sure you will be," I said in a tone that was possibly slightly mocking.

Sorry but coming into my room while I'm having a private melt down, trying to console me with a band-aid hug and then making it about his poor feelings made me want to throw something at him. When do you get past that? How long does it take to be able to just look at them when they complain about how hard things are for THEM and knowing it is entirely their doing, things they could change at any second and not want to just unleash? How do you just make yourself really say, "Hmmm that's a shame for you," and really not give two s**ts about it one way or another?

I know I have to learn. I have put up little signs all over my room and in other places around the house that say, "Let it go!" Hopefully I will see them every time I feel the need to reach out to him in some way and remember that if it isn't about the kids, or the business of the household, I don't need his opinion or support. I'm sure it gets easier with practice, right?

[HalfMissing]

indy, don't put too much pressure on yourself. I remember how I felt when I was DBing the first few months. I felt like anything I said or did could destroy the rest of my life. (Do you remember the movie "Butterfly Effect"? It was that kind of feeling.) Please don't put this pressure on yourself. No one knows what the best response is to any statement or situation and you have to be true to yourself.

The only important thing is to give them space and work on helping yourself survive this ordeal.

[indybyathread]

Thanks! Yea, I have to remember that I'm supposed to be doing what feels right and seems to be working. Doing the friendship thing hurt like heck and certainly wasn't working. I was really letting him have it all his way. He could be here whenever he wanted and play family and feel like a nice guy for awhile. I would keep on a happy face and act as if I was here as a friend and had no other expectations. I would be fine for a day or two and then when the pressure built up too much in me I'd lose my resolve and I ask a question about how he was feeling about us or if he's progressed in his relationship with EA. I would, of course, not like the answer and then spend the rest of the day feeling dejected and angry at myself for asking the question to begin with. I need to detach!

But I don't have any specific rules to follow, right? My rules now. If I want to do something with him at some point, I can. First though, I need to get through a few weeks of real separation then I can re-evaluate and see if he is showing signs of wanting to spend time with me. If that should happen, I will make my own new set of rules.

Sounds good on paper. Now to see if I can really do it!