She will come home, or I'll find it in my own mind

[Heimlich]

Oh, and I don't think it's indifference you're describing, but detachment. It sounds like your W is realizing that, in your mind, you're ready to move on without her if you have to. That might be what's pulling her back in.

The old, "I want what I can't have/fear losing" thinking. Just a thought, but there may be an element of that in her movements back to you.

Not sure that makes total sense, but, there you go

BD

[Atlas]

hmmm, not sure what to say.

w called 3 times today. kept going out of her way to say she wanted to come see s. thought it was an excuse to come see me and it might have been. she asked that i call once he was up from his nap and she would come over.

at 5 i called. she apoligized she couldn't come over to see him because her dinner date was back on. i know it is no big deal, as long as it is rick, crap a though kill it, but for some reason it still sucks. mainly because i know she won't let me show her a good time. i want to take her out soooo bad.

so s and i hit a bbq with other divorcee's, felt dumb as hell. everyone is ther with their kids, almost everyone there is single, and i'm disgusted. everyone is basically toasting to their d's, so happy they are free, blah blah blah. didn't show how i felt, there are a few d's there i totally agree with, but defiently not all. guess i'm becoming ol fashioned.

well w said on the phone that she wants to do something family oriented tomorrow. i don't know if i'm reading into it more than i should, but god i love it. s has such a good time when we are together, and i love seeing her, spending time with her, and just seeing her. we usually catch each other glancing and smile, it is so nice.

at this point, i just hope she is alright. i can't give up but right now i feel like an over stuffed idiot with emotions. i'm so sad about her leaving, i pissed about it and angry. i'm feeling detached, lost and ready to move on. the mind is in a new spot every few minuts. the only constant is my care for her. i hope she is alright, i wish i could be her alright, but she just needs that more than anything, even if it isn't me.

[Atlas]

ladies, please if you have advice or thoughts let me know.

so after throwing my own self righteous pity party at the divorce bbg tonight, and then sitting her and thinking things suck, w calls.

she was so upbeat. told me how her night with rick, no worries he is her co-worker, 65, w is 31, he is dying of emphazemia (sp?) 3rd stage and carries around his meds and oxygen tank. not to worried. but she goes on to say how it was horrible, he got totally wasted, he fell down in the restaurant as they were leaving. she offered to pay for a cab and he wouldn't have it. i just listened. so she is laughing about this but hopeing at the same time he doesn't kill someone. then i offered advice, maybe you should call to make sure he is alright and got home, stopped myself and apologized for offering advice, and said i'm sorry that you had a bad evening, i was really hoping you would have some fun.

then she says well i'm almost off the highway, not far from where i live, we live pretty close, she says can i come over, i say sure. then she backs out and says she just need to go home and go to bed.

then she says "i really appreciate how you have given me space and are alright with me going out, it means a lot, even though all my friends i have made are idiots."

then she goes on to say that she wants to see her two boys tomorrw and spend the day with them. i'm the second boy by the way. need to work on that man thing. i ask her what she has in mind, she says we will figure it out, i just would really like you two to come over when you get up. i said i wanted her to get some sleep, controlling i know. but she agreed and said lets make it 1030 so i can rest.

w says can't wait to see you tomorrow, we'll have a good time, good night.

well the pity party is now on cloud 9. god i'm so close i can taste it. well drinking tonight, luckily when she called i have had only 2, i have been pretty good with that lately, but i need to stop it all together. kind of hard when w wants to have drinks with me. arrgh.

[stewart10]

Atlas, you had a pretty good evening. I only wish my w would want to be so close. every time we have a chance to be close, she sabotages it. It becomes quite depressing and frustrating. I know people on this board say that it is better that we don't have kids, but it has always been so important to me, that i feel like I am missing out on having what I have always wanted.

It is good that she is recognizing that you have been giving her space... I only wish my W would say anything about "us"... so depressing... As far as the man thing goes... good luck with that, I hate trying to figure out how that is done.


Have a nice smooth drink for me... I have decided that I had enough tonight... (don't get the wrong idea, I am talking about I had 6 or so over 4 hours) not that big a deal, just hate where I am. Guess I can always strive to get to the point you are at, or some of these other successful DB'ers that make it and get back to where they want to be.

Hope everyone has a nice evening.

[NDDT]

speaking of drinking.......

yeah yeah, I drink only beer...

seems like it is becoming more and more, need to slow that down.

not the right direction.

Atlas, I hope tommorow goes good for you. Careful of alien talk, and all that.....seems like from what I read about yours she likes to pull you in to push you away...devise a stratagy for that

[Heimlich]

Atlas,

Man, things are looking up. Just remember. No expectations and don't get too high on Cloud 9 (maybe try cloud 4 or 5 tomorrow ;)) Be and show that woman what she'll be missing out on.

BD

[dlt1]

Atlas, hope you are resting well right now. I hope this coimes out right:
Parachute down to cloud 4 or 5 indeed. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I don't want to deflate this wonderful chain of events, just reminding about 2 steps forward, one step back. Go out and enjoy yourself, your S and your W. Focus on S's good time, I think that will keep pressure off you and W. And will probably make the 2 of you have a great time.
I'm sure we'll be reading about each other's great dates tomorrow! Go out and have some fun!

[Atlas]

stew, nddt, heimlich, dlt1,

thanks for the posts, can't sleep still on cloud 9. not to worry, i may go through the coaster ride tomorrow, but when i'm on stage i db like there is now tomorrow.

i just can't get over a couple of statements, that she can't wait to see her boys, and that she really appreciates that i'm alright with her going out with friends. she said it such, like she was acknowledging some type of permission. but all i said was that she deserves to have a good time.

i shouldn't read too much into it, because every thing changes after a night of sleep, but who knows were she will stand tomorrow. but i have to say, if she sees it as me giving her something and she is grateful, well then she still sees our m as something valid, if she thinks i need to give my blessing. it is major controlling, and she is talking to the old me, but i can't help but take that as a great sign.

i just hope she realizes that i don't wan't what we had, with permission's from each other. i want her to commit, and i give my all, a partnership, friendship, parents and lovers.

you know the other night when i pushed, can't remember how i got to this point, but i told her i didn't want the r we had, i told her it was dead, that i wanted this new one that we had begun, i wanted a new life with her. maybe it hit home even though i shouldn't have said it.

[Atlas]

what a day with w and s,

showed up with her coffee, she was grateful. asked about my weekend with s, and what we did. had a pretty good conversation, we were planning on getting out as a fam, but the boy was tired so we put him down. then the r talk started, she had a lot to get off her chest.

it's tough to db with a therapist, she sees it all but i think it doesn't really matter. see started out with that she knows in order to make things work she can't look backwards and has to think forward, but that she had unanswered questions from the past and she wanted to bounce them off me. then the list started, on my hell she has the memory of an elephant, things i forgot i had done, it was rough, class a1 ahole here. all i did was listen, mirror, validate and empathize. at one point we're holding hands and crying together. pretty rough. she wanted an explanation and wouldn't take i'm working on myself for an anwer.

i told her that i was not a good husband, that i learned to treat a marriage from the way i grew up, i thought this is how it worked. talked about how that lead to my control. then i told her about my c session, about how i listed what i was attracted to when we were dating. told her it was her feminist, independant leadership, that she stood for things and wasn't afraid to speak her mind, and this made me love her. then we married and all i wanted to do was please you, so i handled everything to show my love, like my father does for my mother. but that just killed your spirit of being a women who walks tall.

she started crying, you did those things out of love? not to control me? i told her i thought by taking control, not necessarily of her but of our lives i wanted her to relax and live life. then she jumps in with her therapy side, so you thought you were pleasing me, i'm complaining and had to seem ungrateful to you, well this explains a lot of why we are where we are.

then she said she ran into a mutual friend and the friend told w about my sorority night at the ballgame. had a good time that night, just women to talk too. she seemed to want to know more and i told her that they only talked to me, nothing is going on, i'm not dating, nothing. then she said she just wanted me to be happy, and i told her either way i would be happy because i would know it is what she wants.

friend also told w that a few women have asked her about me, w wanted to know if i would see other women if we got a d. told her that she would always have a special place in my heart, but i'm no monk.

she seems really disturbed by this idea of me seeing other people, but she is dating freely and admitted to it. which is odd, the other night it was inappropriate, now it isn't. everything with her right now is ok then not. i guess i just have to be the constant, win or lose, the constant.

well the whole time, outside of if we d would i date, it is now called the seperation, no mention of divorce. except she did tell me that she was so scared at first that i would take s from her. i told her no matter what i'm not fighting, i'm not repeating her mother and father, or any other d we have seen. i don't have the desire, energy and just can't fight her anymore about anything.

this is really the short version, there was 4 hours of this and these are the points i really noticed. but overall the tone was very good outside of about 45 minutes. very upbeat, positive outlook on her part and mine. no d talk in the sense of do you want this, or will you fight that, just the hypothetical's, would you remarry, etc.

at the end she said, do you want to know what to do to win me back. said i would love a map. she said keep treating me decently. i asked for a temperture gage on that. she said you have been so, so, so, so, so decent. gave me a hug and told me to just keep it up. typically at this point i run, don't want to get back to upset mode. so i threw out that i need to leave. she said i would really like us all to go get something to eat. then we drove around all afternoon lost, looking for her restaurant, finally went 15 miles the other way to go to another one. the whole drive we are laughing telling each other jokes, holding hands at one point. that was nice.

then she brought up the car thing again, i just listened. therapist stoped by again, she said don't just validate me, i'm actually asking your advice on this. so i gave it and she said thanks, i think your right. all i said was that it is her car, she could do whatever she wanted to do with it, but i wouldn't get a car payment for now.

we got takeout and took it back to her place. had lunch, put s down for another nap.

she is also coming over to the house tomorrow to do some work. she hasn't done that in a while. great sign, because i don't think she has felt comfortable there for a while.

[ItsKat]

Atlas,

Sounds like a nice day w/ your W. She's a therapist? Yeah, I could see how that would make things tricky. I think you did well in your talks w/ her. Lots of positives coming from her, especially when she was talking about how you can win her back. It seems that most WAS' don't even want to think about being won back by the LBS, so this seems like a big thing.

Keep up the good work!