The Plank is out of my eyes, but too late for WAW?

[Matt-14]

Heim,
We have to get together and discuss this sometime. I feel and act the same way you do. I like video games(360, PS3, I have them all) and I have interest in the civil war. Of course it's hard not to...living near Gettysburg, Antietam, South Mountain and Monocacy.
Things seem to be really going well for you. You seem like you have really changed. Keep it up. Your W definitly sounds like she is unsure. I can't see anyone wanting a divorce that says I love you and gives you a kiss on the lips. Maybe she is testing you and testing her own feelings. I wish mine would do the same. This is your thread so I'll keep my crap on my thread.

I'm pulling for you!

Matt

[Heimlich]

Matt,

In my head, I know that she sounds unsure. I just don't want to read too much into the situation and get crushed again. So, not going to put the wall back up around my heart and going to keep on keeping on.

Tried to send you a private message but is was locked. Send me one. Here's my message:

Matt,

Never could bite the bullet and get the PS3, opted for the 360, especially once I found out that the next GTA is a simultaneous platform release.

At any rate, yeah, we could get together. Be good to compare notes. My too closest friends have been tremendously supportive, but they're in happy relationships. The bastards.

Thinking of hiking around the battlefield at Gettysburg on Sunday. Icecream. Maybe a stop at the toy soldier shop. Just so you know, I'm not a driver usually. I'll walk for 6 or 7 miles around the field. Not sure which section this time, thinking Culps hill or the circuit from the visitors center to Round tops and back across Pickett's (er, Longstreet's) charge.

BD

[theoden]

Heimlich,

You are doing fine.

The kiss and the "I love you" are excellent signs.

Now...don't blow it by chasing again. Let her come to you. YOU have a good time and care for yourself.

--Theoden

[Matt-14]

Heim,
I just wanted to check and see how your weekend was. I don't think anybody can send a private message. I think that function has been disabled. Any news on the R front? How was Gettysburg? Did you make it to Devils' Den? I grew up about 10 minutes from Gettysburg.

Take Care,
Matt
Oh by the way....The last time I checked Theoden was the King of Rohan not Aragorn....Muster the Rohirrim.

[theoden]

Arise now, arise, Riders of Théoden!
Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter!
spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered,
a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises!
Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!
Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!

Now doesn't THAT get your blood moving in the morning.

[Heimlich]

Thanks, gentlemen, for the encouragement.

Nothing much new to report on the R front. She left early Sat. morning (7 am flight), so I drove her to BWI. I'm a zombie in the morning, so nothing in the way of conversation there. Gave me a quick hug before walking into the terminal. I had offered to help carry her bags for her, but they were light enough that she could do it herself. Didn't push it. Didn't push the hug. She's a nervous traveller, so stayed out of her way Friday night as she packed. Might have been my imagination, but she seemed to be pulling back a little that night, but she's always done that prior to travel. Hug and a kiss on the cheek before bedtime.

She said she was going to schedule a mediation session before she left. Never said that she had or hadn't, so maybe she is starting to change her mind. Regardless, I've finally gotten to the point where I know I'm going to have a good life either way. I just hope she chooses to remain in it.

Since then, short conversations on the phone before handing over to the kids. No change from the 6 weeks I was in LA on that count. Would love to continue the light conversations we've been having all week, but she doesn't seem interested.

Matt, drop me a line at [e-mail].

Realized that my GAL activities for the weekend were pretty nerdy. I slept through the dance class I wanted to go to at 10 on Sat. So, went out and bought Harry Potter (the most well-written of the seven, probably the best over-all as well. Though it is a shame that the sense of wonder from the first 2 or 3 were lost over the series.) Sat outside Saturday afternoon on the deck, had a little gin, and read HP. Was nice. Finished Harry Potter and took a walk around Gettysburg on Sunday. Very good ranger program, a 2 hour battlewalk over the path of the Pettigrew/Trimble half of Longstreet's attack. Always amazed at how slight differences in the ground can make such major impacts in the way that a battle will turn. History and exercise, love it.

BD

[Heimlich]

Inspired by a post on CVA's thread about his W repairing her wedding ring and wearing it afterwards, I decided to take a peek into my W's jewelry box. Much to my surprise, and muted delight, her ring wasn't in there. Looks like she took it to Louisiana with her. Or, the pessimist in me says, she's hocked it (no, don't think she really did that).

Without getting my hopes up too much, I'm beginning to think that she may be rethinking this whole D thing. There's only been a few VERY tiny glimmers of hope, but since there was no indication of ANY hope for so long, I'll take whatever I can get. Now the trick is not to spin some grand reconciliation fantasy in my head for when she returns with the girls in 8 days. Though I fervently hope I see the ring back on her finger, that'd be fan-effing-tastic.

BD

[Sara]

H,

If you and your wife have not taken a vacation in New Orleans in a while, you should schedule one. My husband and I went to New Orleans for a weekend last month. It was the best vacation we have had in 20 years! We stayed at hotels downtown and wandered the Quarter like tourists. Ate at Nola's and K Paul's, drinks at the Napoleon House, beignets, etc. It was so romantic. And we lived there for 24 years. But visiting was the best. All the old memories came flooding back, and they were of the two of us together. Myabe New Orleans can be the charm for you too.

[Heimlich]

Sara,

We actually did that about 4 years ago. It was a blast. I went to school at Southern Miss and she's from Metarie, but it's amazing the things you don't do when you live close to such a city. It was great to walk around like tourists for 5 days, without kids. K Paul's was awesome too. Was also nice that we actually had money to spend (in college, focused on eating as cheaply as possible so as to buy as many pints as possible at O'Flaherty's). That said, there's currently no chance of getting her to go on vacation with me when I can't get her to agree to let me take her out for dinner or join me for a dance lesson.

Hopefully, we'll get to that point again. I hope to take a vacation with her next summer, that's one of my long range goals. Two options -- a sausage eating/beer drinking trip across Germany or a return visit to the French Quarter. I'm just trying to do what I can to make that a possibility.

Oh, and if you ever go back, the gumbo at Olivier's is the best I've ever had. Even better than mine, and I make a mean gumbo.

BD

[Heimlich]

Overanalyzing a bit. Anyone have any thoughts as to whether these are possible changes in my W's thinking?

Going round and round in my head about the very few things my W said/did last week that I took as positive:
Tuesday -- during mediation/D talk, said that she would make the apt but that we could cancel it (first time ANY hint that there was a possibility of anything other than D
Wed -- Full hug/kiss on the lips
Thursday -- Got an ILY
Over the weekend, looked in her jewelry box and noticed that her ring wasn't there (she's always kept it there, unless she's hocked it, I'm assuming she took it to Louisiana)

My paranoia is this. I got this email from her last Monday (before these things all happened) (those of you who are bored/sleepy can read my reply below):

No, I'm not interested. There is nothing you can say that will change
>my mind. I have thought about this thoroughly and completely for
>awhile now. I have nothing left in me to re-ignite. I want to be
>your friend--nothing more. I want you to let me go. You can't force
>or push me to love you, which is what I am feeling from you. Try, try,
>try=push, push, push. You know me, if I want to do something, I will
>do it and nothing will keep me from doing it. I don't need to be told
>or convinced by anyone what to do.
>
And my reply:

I know there is nothing I can say to change your mind, nor am I trying to. One of my biggest faults is that I turn inward and rely on myself to sort things out. That's what I did regarding our relationship. What I discovered is that I didn't have all the answers. How I was behaving toward you was wrong. I wouldn't have been able to understand that without the reading that I've done. You said yesterday that I need to get help. I agree. And I have been, the books that I have been reading have been tremendously helpful in getting ME to be a better person. Yes, they are focused on making the marriage better. However, they all start with the following common advice -- you have to be the best person YOU can be and that you have to accept that the relationship may be over. I'm just beginning my journey, but I know it's one that's going to make me the man I want and need to be. Not for you. Not for the girls. THough that second, especially right now, is important. But for me.

I understand how determined you can be. That's one of the qualities about you that attracted me in the first place. But you also refuse to consider other courses of action once you make your mind up, or even as you're making your mind up. In that, you're somewhat like me in that you put blinders on. Like me, you turn inward and don't listen to anyone else or only to what you want to hear that confirms the direction you have chosen. Please don't take this to mean that I don't think you considered your decision carefully. I know that you have. I'm trying to make the point that you may not have considered it from all angles. Again, I am speaking from personal experience on this. To date, this is the biggest decision either of us have made in our lives. As I've said, I don't want to walk away knowing that there was more that could be done. Your refusal to even acknowledge the possibilty that things can change is the flip side of your determination, and also one of your biggest faults.

And you're wrong, I'm not trying to push you to love me. I fully understand that that is not possible. I don't want you as my companion in life if you don't want to be around me. What I am trying to do is to get us to focus on each other -- at the same time, with full honesty -- to see if those feelings can be reignited. I don't know that they can be. I do know that there are ways to act toward each other, slowly and steadily, to see if those feelings do return. THAT's what I'm asking for. Not a guarantee that everything will be OK. A chance for things to be OK. No, not even OK. I chance for things to be great. I'm not interested in settling for what we had for the past 4 years. I want something better. And, yes, I believe with all my heart and soul that we can have a great relationship and marriage.

I keep hearing you say that any effort/trying is going to be perceived by me as evidence that everything is OK. I've NEVER said that. There are no guarantees. However, I believe that with us focused on each other with 100% honesty, our lives could be great together. Things might not work out that way, I just think it's a damn shame that we'll never know.

Eventually, if we continue on this path, we'll fall in love with someone else. We may be wiser and avoid many of the issues that have caused us to end up where we are today. Or we might not and be having this conversation with someone else a decade or more from now. What I'm trying to say is that, knowing that that is going to happen, I would rather make every effort to see if (if, if, if, not for sure) WE can fall in love as a couple again. To me, there are more positives than negatives in the way our lives have developed. All I can do is SHOW you, by actions, the man I can be.

I'm sorry you feel the way that you do. I am terribly sorry and upset with myself for the way that I acted toward you and made you feel. I'm NOT trying to manipulate you. THis is from my heart.