The Plank is out of my eyes, but too late for WAW?

[delia]

Wow! You really are a beautiful butterfly! Nice work.

Always a word of caution--you seem to be doing very, very well. Try not to be discouraged if progress is followed by two steps back. It seems to be a common pattern.

It is very encouraging that you two are able to be such good friends.

[Heimlich]

Thanks, Delia.

In many ways, the lack of arguments and any bad feelings towards each other has made this more difficult for me to go through over the past few months.

Thanks for the reminder about the backsliding. I'm not too excited by the slight opening, but I am hopeful. I'll do my best to keep an even keel.

She's going out with co-workers tomorrow night for a bday. The OM still works in the same building. I managed to refrain from asking if he'll be there. I've decided that I just have to trust her. Anything that she would do with him would be her problem, not mine (not that I thinkg she will). And now, I'm not going to think about that any longer.

BD

[stewart10]

BD:

I know what you are saying about the lack of arguments and bad feelings making things more difficult. I find myself in the same situation. We still get along very well as friends. There is not a person on this planet that I would rather spend time with. That is what makes it so hard. Part of me wishes that I could resent her like she says that she resents me so that the time apart would be easier. But it just does not happen. I love her too much.

[Heimlich]

Anybody have any thoughts on the following? Could my W be softening/reconsidering?

July 18
Had all day meetings yesterday, first to plan out my Nov/Dec issue with my associate editor and then strategy meetings around various content products (basically listen to our sales team piss and moan about how hard it is to sell our content products. Grrrrrrr.) OK, it wasn't that bad, but I sometimes want to punch them right in the head. OK, so in meetings from 7:30 to 6:10. Drove to Arthur Murray for my dance lesson (first lesson free as the ad says) as part of my GAL program. I've always wanted to learn to dance, but been afraid of looking like a fool. Decided last week to say 'eff it' and give it a shot. [One of my regrets in life is not learning to tango with my W (granted would have been difficult since I was in grad school in DC and my wife was in Baton Roughe at the time) and busting out the tango about 30 seconds into a sappy ol' first dance wedding song for our first dance. Anyhoo.] A little nervous, because other than the Bart Funky Dance (so named in honor of my college roomate who, being very fond of the herb, would break out some strange hybrid of the twist when very happy from aforementioned herb. Generally followed by a Cheeto treat.), I can't dance. At all.

So, my instructor was a young, VERY attractive young lady. That made me at once a bit more nervous, but was very condusive to a PMA. We spend 45 minutes going over a few basic steps -- waltz, fox trot (I think) and Swing 1 (very basic on that). I had a blast. While she may have been being kind, and as an editor I kind of have a permanent BS meter from always having to deal with marketing people, she did say that I had a good sense of rhythm and it did feel pretty good to move around a little like that. So I signed up for lessons for the next three months. Going to learn the basics for most of ballroom dancing and a little salsa and swing. Looking forward to shaking my groove thing.

By the time that was over, it was about 8:15 or so. Dropped by a bookstore to check to see if my favorite Civil War mag was out yet. It was, so picked up a copy. Then, since my W's bday is today, I went to Safeway to pick up Juju Fruit and other assorted candy and flowers for my W (per my girls' instructions). I had already bought her a battery starter (can plug in to the cig lighter in a car to jump it). Not romantic, but she's killed two batteries in a year, so practical. Plus, the woman is extremely difficult to buy for. While on the way out of Safeway, I decided to walk to the beer store around the corner to check for any new Dogfish Head beers. Saw my W heading into safeway. She was wearing a new sundress and looking very fetching. Told her hello, you look lovely. She asked my about the dance class. Told her it was fun, signed up for lessons, etc. She went into Safeway, I went into the booze store. She said she looked for me, but I had headed home -- wnated to get the flowers inside and hide them for the morning (silly, but wanted to surprise her a little).

Got home. Both tired. Fixed myself something to eat. She came downstairs to tell me good night and gave me a kiss on the lips, a first in a while, before going upstairs to bed. I think she did it on purpose, though I may have been turning toward her. Regardless, she could have pulled back and didn't (she has in the past).

So, I said to myself, "hmmmmm, that was curious."

July 19.

Meetings again. Left at 6:30. Went upstairs before I left to tell her happy birthday. Her kneck was bothering her, offered to help, but she said she'd just lay there until the advil kicked in. Sent her an email around 11 asking if she was OK. She responded saying yes and with a few lines of idle chit-chat. I had offered to take her out tonight, but she wanted Popeyes of all things (not that I'm complaining, luv that chicken). Picked that up for her on the way home. Both tired again, so just some basic, light, H and W, how was your day chatter.

Now's where I get confused. Wished her goodnight and then called our girls to wish them a good night. Our youngest wanted to talk to Mama, so brought the phone upstairs. After a minute or two, W hung up. We chatted for a few seconds, I wished her good night again, and then she blurted out an "I love you" (first time saying that since mid-April). I told her ILY, gave her a hug and went back downstairs. She's had one beer (not a big deal) and some advil, so I know she's not hammered.

On the one hand, I want to be excited. On the other hand, it might've just been a slip. Am I reading too much into this? Is it a positive baby step? A sign of cracking of resolve to move forward with the D? Habit?

I can say that I've been more myself with her in the past few days I've been home than I have in quite a while. Calm, funny, loving, not clingy, really just wanting to talk to her.

Feeling a little dazed and confused,

BD

[Sara]

H,

I'm trying to imagine a scenario in which she says "I love you" and it's not a good sign. Coming up blank. "I love you" is a good sign. Rome wasn't built in a day. So far, so good. Glad you didn't screw up the birthday. Keep going, and take it slow. Still do not rush into relationship talks.

[Heimlich]

Thanks, Sara.

You're right. Thanks for the sanity check. It's just after 3 solid months of a large, thick wall that I've been banging my head against, the recent kindness and looseness from my W have me confused and not wanting to build up too much hope.

I guess I'm reminded of something I read somewhere, the door to our hearts open out and you can't get in by pushing, they have to be opened by the other person from the inside. Maybe it is opening a crack. Maybe there's something to this DBing stuff after all

BD

[Sara]

Nice metaphor, I hadn't heard that one before. I was reading through your thread and was struck by the part where you say love is a decision. YES! That's exactly it. When you decide to love someone, and you act in loving ways, then love grows. It's nurturing, like feeding and watering a plant. I love the book The Little Prince, by A. de Saint-Exupery. He makes that point. The Prince loves the rose, not because the rose is nice, because she isn't, but because of what he has put into the rose.

Your wife has built walls, and they give her a feeling of safety. You must work slowly and steadily. Only she can really break down the wall, but you can give her the desire to emerge from behind it.

Don't forget those raw oysters on a half shell. The food of love.

[mamadrama]

DB, I agree with Sara! Hearing "I love you" from someone who hasn't said it, and has said ILYBINILWY has to be a good sign. When I read your posts I can sense the acceptance you seem to have for where things are right now and what you have to do to change them. Your words almost come across as serene - it must really be coming across in your external PMA as well.

I'll definitely be checking in to see what the next few days bring! Here's hoping for more baby steps and limited backslides

[Heimlich]

Sara/Mama, Thanks, ladies,

I'm not familiar with the book you mention, but I also think of "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein (also wrote a song for Johnny Cash). For some reason, when I think of the heart/door/open out, I also think of the Far Side cartoon of the kid pushing on the "School for the GIfted" door and the door has a "pull" sign on it.

I really do believe that love is a decision. Maybe not entirely. I don't think you can force yourself to make those 'in love' feelings out of nothing, but I really do think that once you get deep in a relationship, you wake up every day and unconsciously/consciously decide to stay in it and act like you're in love. We're all here because somewhere along the line, we stopped treating and acting toward our partners like we loved them -- at least to some degree.

Yes, Mama, I feel like in the past week or so, I've really gotten to a point where I can accept that my W might leave me. I really believe that I was clueless (up until five weeks ago tomororw, as a matter of fact) about my role in the relationship and that neither I nor my W could have been happy before I had my epiphany (man, that sounds a little arrogant). Hope it's not too late for us, and maybe things are shifting in her heart, but I'm starting to make peace with the idea that our M might end. I wouldn't say I'm serene, but I'm more ME than I've been in quite a while. And that feels pretty damn good.

Well, it's really just tomorrow. She flies to New Orleans early Saturday (7 a.m. flight from BWI, blech), so I'm free as a bird for 10 days. If she calls once or twice while she's down there, I will take that as a tremendously positive sign. Fingers crossed.

BD

[Heimlich]

Your wife has built walls, and they give her a feeling of safety. You must work slowly and steadily. Only she can really break down the wall, but you can give her the desire to emerge from behind it.

Sara, I really like the way you put that. Thanks.