R talk - I need opinions.

[Imageer]

I'm putting this in it's own thread because I'm a little stumped and I would like to get lots of opinions on this.

A quick background....

My W recently started having what I think are panic/anxiety attacks. (light headed, dizzy, rapid heart rate, pounding heart, faint feeling) She has gone to the doctor and the doctor has pulled her drivers license until they figire this out. Right now they are scheduling tests in to September. I also suspect that W has started an A with an OW. However, I do not know this for sure, I only know that there is a Woman that hangs around with W a lot. (Not her Bad Friend)

When W found out yesterday that she couldn't drive, I sent her this; "Make sure you take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything. Like I’ve said before, I’m always here for you. If you need a ride to a doctors appointment or anywhere else for that matter, let me know. It’s not a problem."

She replied this morning with this; "That is a nice offer, thank you. But I think I have it all under control."

So I get am email from W this evening.........

"I'm pretty much up [censored] creek for transporting the kids back and forth after I move to _____. I am hoping like heck that once my tests results come back I will be allowed to drive. I see four options at this point, if I can't drive....

1) ask my mom if she can live with me for the weeks I have the kids and pay her to drive them to and from school

2) you pick them up in Oshawa and take them back to ______ for school, opposite on the way home (not really a do-able option, I don't think)

3) move the kids to a school near me

4) you keep the kids during the week, I have them Friday night through to Sunday night


Do you have any other options that I can't think of???"

(There is a 10-15 minute drive between Ws place and mine)


Ok this is where I need opinions.....

I want to say something like "I'm still open to resolving this situation" but I don't know if it is a good idea. In fact as I type this, I'm more certain that it is not. I know it is a bad idea to initiate R talks but I don't want W to feel that I'm pushing her away. I also wonder if this might be a test of sorts or her fishing. I'm not sure how to handle this.

Help Please!!!!!

[GK99]

Hey Imageer. I think the best option is just to be there for her, like you would a friend. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Being her friend during this difficult time will be saved in her memory bank. Talking about the R might make her think you are trying to take advantage of her and put a lot of pressure on her. She knows you are still open to reconciliation. I don't think you have to tell her.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Imageer,

This is a big and important conversation and decision, and ideally i would recommend that you speak rather than try to solve the situation on e-mail. E-mail is so easily misunderstood, and especially with an MLC there is so much room for misinterpretation. So I wouldn't insist, but I might suggest something like, "I'm sure we can find a solution together that will be best for the children and will work for each of us during this time. Is there any time we can chat about it though? I think it would be easier to brainstorm and dialogue a solution if we spoke." The if that works out I would use the opportunity to be as soft spoken in tone, and as helpful and cooperative as possible. Be reassuring and set a goal of having it be the least disruptive for the children especially, but also for each of you. Ask questions rather than making suggestions or giving advice, whenever possible.

My two cents. Good luck! This is an important opportunity to showcase your DB skills! :-) I haven't read your sitch and thread, but I hope this is helpful!

[BeingMe]

I would say, do what's best for the children.

[bambam1970]

Imageer,

I think your gut instinct is right. She is facing a difficult situation and R talks may make her feel even more pressured. I think you should respond w/a supportive email and try to figure out what would be best for the kids.

I don't know what options would work for you, but I think there must be something accomodating here.

Good luck!

[Grace_O]

Imageer,

Like PositivelyListening, I think if you can talk about this in person it will help more in the long run. The whole e-mail thing for problem solving gets annoying (at least for me). I'd rather be face to face. After all only 7% of a convo is verbal. You are already being nice and generous here, so just continue that. I would stay away from the R talks though, tempting as it is.

Good luck.

[oldtimer]

Hi,

If you don't want to make her regret her email, do not intrude or pursue. Stick to the topic she raised and the means of communication she chose.

[oldtimer]

P.S. While email drives LBSs crazy because they want more and richer contact, this is not what a WAS wants or needs to communicate effectively with a LBS.

[inmyplace]

I am with oldtimer. Stick to the topic in her medium.

One of the things that I see far too often around here is that people stress over every interaction with the WAS. Just take care of business when it is business.

[Imageer]

Thanks all for the advice. I avoided the R talk and said to her (via email) that I thought option 1 was the most practical and that I didn't like option 3 at all. I then said that I would think about other options.

I'm thinking that when she brings it up again, I will tell her that if her mom won't help her,(it's a possibility becasue her mother can be odd. W called her once when she was 16 and asked her to come and pick her up becasue her car had broken down in the middle of nowhere. Her mother refused) I will come out and pick up the kids and take them to school/babysitters. It's kinda sucks to have to do that because it is about 30-40 minuted out of my way in the morning but it will also probably lead to me taking W to the train in the morning and picking her up at night. This will give me some talk time with W and the possibility of "do you and the kids want to go to dinner" So it might suck time wise, but I see it as a good thing for the sitch.