I'm sorry. I know how it is to face something you can't fix without time......lots of time. You just wish it'd all be fixed quick and he'd see you were sincere, serious and trust you again.
I'm praying for you.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I am in a wicked-nasty transition of some sort...have been for days, but I'll check in when I can find a pocket of sanity.
I told you I gave it to you!!!! I am feeling better and now you are in a funk.......
Good luck finding your way out of it.
I am glad you posted your story. I already knew about it but reading it again helped me see things coming from a MLC'r again. You keep me on top of things. Thanks Amy.
((((((((HUGS)))))))))
You take the time you need and get back to that good place. You know me, I'm not going anywhere!!!!
hmmmm, what did i miss while camping? You mean MLC's aren't fun time for all, turned on and turned off with a switch? It's not a choice? $#!t, makes it a little harder to say ahhh to hell with it she's crazy and party on like you perfect. Trust me, when your spouce is in MLC, you may as well be too cuz it starts long before they leave. Wish I would have manned up instead of feeling sorry for myself before it was too late. Maybe loving her by demanding respect could have helped kick her @$$ out of the tunnel. But, whatever....
The fact is that Amy is lucky to have this chance, and the woman thanks God for it every friggen day.....it's all part of admitting and ACCEPTING that you can be wrong.
Anyway, you gotta stick around for a while, or at the very least keep checking your email.... I feel a breakdown coming on.
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
I am no longer officially DBing. While I do have, and am thankful for, some good new communication skills, I guess I'll forever "technically" DB if I'm communicating with my husband. The fact is I am done, though.
I have looked at my husband's history and he will never move because it would be contrary to his favored place of denial. He never forgave his first wife and never really admitted his own mistakes there and he hated her until she died and now he lives with the guilt of that and yet is willing to do that again with me as opposed to doing anything of real significance for our family. My husband did fight for us once but that was long time ago. In all those cards and letters I have gone through for the scrapbook, there was a common theme; him always making promises. The SAME promises. All I have been able to recall was the strength with which HE stood when I was in MLC. I had conveniently forgotten all the crap that he and his drinking had put us through PRIOR to that. Between my own personal issues and the man with issues I married, it was no wonder I had a MLC. I will always be sorry - sorrier for that than anything but I will remain one of the unforgiven at least as far as my husband is concerned. That is his cross to bear though. I have done the best I am physically and emotionally capable of doing to atone and prove myself "worthy" again to him. Actually, I think I have gone above and beyond emotionally because this has wrecked me. I am dirty now as far as he is concerned. Because I no longer possess the innocence I had in those early years. I am no longer naive. There was a time we loved, though. A long, long time ago...
The scrapbbok has been so hard for me because it is my goodbye. My goodbye to my marriage and my family as we were. We may still all be tied together but we will never be what we were, or what we could have been, because now we are just broken. My "sins" will be visited upon my kids when they grow up and this all comes back to haunt them. What will I be able to do, exceptcontinue to say I am sorry? Do I want to live my life like that? I honestly do not know.
I have lived like a refugee pretty much for the past 7 months. I have no life and don't know how to go about getting one. I went from the Air Force, to my Mother's house and then into a marriage. My husband was right all along, I can not take care of myself. But for at least the next 3 years, I have to fake it. I am afraid for what will become of me when I no longer have my son here with me to keep me plugging on. I feel like I will become like my uncle who told me last year that the day he walked away from his family 25 years ago was the worst mistake he'd ever made, and he was too prideful to go back. Those demons have haunted him for 25 years. Mine already haunt me.
This is not an issue of forgiving myself. I understand and accept the things that led to me making the mistakes I made. This is an issue of ignorance, wasted time and regret. There was a warm feeling of family on Christmases that my kids will never have again because of me and because their father would prefer to climb into a bottle where it's comfortable instead of come out here on the limb I've been standing on for 18 months.
I am angry, scared and sick. Try as I might, I do not believe that a one parent household is good enough for a child. I don't believe that is a family. My sister and I were not a family with our mother alone and because of that, I did not treasure my own as I should have. What will my kids recall?
The funny part of this place I'm at now is I actually think THIS is the opportune time for me to have a MLC. Since I've already done that, perhaps just a nervous breakdown will suffice. One thing is for sure, I am falling apart at the seams and I can't seem to grab ahold of anything to save myself.
We will see what this next week brings as I finish this scrapbook and I give it to my husband and kids. My intention right now is that the day of my anniversary is the day I will do that and I will tell my children that I am no longer standing and they both need to realize that our family is not getting back together. They should consider that their parents will date other people (both kids tell us we can't do that and while I certainly won't, my husband needs to have the freedom to do so - D11 has been especially adamant to him that he can't and that is not fair). So I will cut him loose and be honest with them. We ALL need to move on now. This place of suspended animation might be fun for a while but it is killing me. There will be no reaction from my husband. I truly doubt he will ever open that book. God forbid he might actually be moved by something. The man doesn't love me and I can never go home again. All the supposed moments of breakthrough were nothing...just moments in which he forgot the state of our marriage and slipped back into the old familiarity. All were due to alcohol. Nothing is real except the fact we are through.
Every day I create Bills of Complaint for Divorce, do depositions, have people served and ultimately, I write the Final Decrees. I have served the enemy long and faithfully now in that one regard. It started in my MLC with the destruction of my own marriage. I realized last night that what I have in front of me every day is the means to legally end this. I know the process and can push through all my own paperwork. To be married according to nothing but a piece of paper is meaningless to me. Yes, I realize I am also married in the eyes of God. That is why 9 months ago I tatooed intertwined wedding rings on the back of my right shoulder. I will never be free BECAUSE I know that. That is why the only outcome for me had to be the restoration of my marriage. I will just never be free.
I am no longer officially DBing. While I do have, and am thankful for, some good new communication skills, I guess I'll forever "technically" DB if I'm communicating with my husband. The fact is I am done, though.
I have looked at my husband's history and he will never move because it would be contrary to his favored place of denial. He never forgave his first wife and never really admitted his own mistakes there and he hated her until she died and now he lives with the guilt of that and yet is willing to do that again with me as opposed to doing anything of real significance for our family. My husband did fight for us once but that was long time ago. In all those cards and letters I have gone through for the scrapbook, there was a common theme; him always making promises. The SAME promises. All I have been able to recall was the strength with which HE stood when I was in MLC. I had conveniently forgotten all the crap that he and his drinking had put us through PRIOR to that. Between my own personal issues and the man with issues I married, it was no wonder I had a MLC. I will always be sorry - sorrier for that than anything but I will remain one of the unforgiven at least as far as my husband is concerned. That is his cross to bear though. I have done the best I am physically and emotionally capable of doing to atone and prove myself "worthy" again to him. Actually, I think I have gone above and beyond emotionally because this has wrecked me. I am dirty now as far as he is concerned. Because I no longer possess the innocence I had in those early years. I am no longer naive. There was a time we loved, though. A long, long time ago...
The scrapbbok has been so hard for me because it is my goodbye. My goodbye to my marriage and my family as we were. We may still all be tied together but we will never be what we were, or what we could have been, because now we are just broken. My "sins" will be visited upon my kids when they grow up and this all comes back to haunt them. What will I be able to do, exceptcontinue to say I am sorry? Do I want to live my life like that? I honestly do not know.
I have lived like a refugee pretty much for the past 7 months. I have no life and don't know how to go about getting one. I went from the Air Force, to my Mother's house and then into a marriage. My husband was right all along, I can not take care of myself. But for at least the next 3 years, I have to fake it. I am afraid for what will become of me when I no longer have my son here with me to keep me plugging on. I feel like I will become like my uncle who told me last year that the day he walked away from his family 25 years ago was the worst mistake he'd ever made, and he was too prideful to go back. Those demons have haunted him for 25 years. Mine already haunt me.
This is not an issue of forgiving myself. I understand and accept the things that led to me making the mistakes I made. This is an issue of ignorance, wasted time and regret. There was a warm feeling of family on Christmases that my kids will never have again because of me and because their father would prefer to climb into a bottle where it's comfortable instead of come out here on the limb I've been standing on for 18 months.
I am angry, scared and sick. Try as I might, I do not believe that a one parent household is good enough for a child. I don't believe that is a family. My sister and I were not a family with our mother alone and because of that, I did not treasure my own as I should have. What will my kids recall?
The funny part of this place I'm at now is I actually think THIS is the opportune time for me to have a MLC. Since I've already done that, perhaps just a nervous breakdown will suffice. One thing is for sure, I am falling apart at the seams and I can't seem to grab ahold of anything to save myself.
We will see what this next week brings as I finish this scrapbook and I give it to my husband and kids. My intention right now is that the day of my anniversary is the day I will do that and I will tell my children that I am no longer standing and they both need to realize that our family is not getting back together. They should consider that their parents will date other people (both kids tell us we can't do that and while I certainly won't, my husband needs to have the freedom to do so - D11 has been especially adamant to him that he can't and that is not fair). So I will cut him loose and be honest with them. We ALL need to move on now. This place of suspended animation might be fun for a while but it is killing me. There will be no reaction from my husband. I truly doubt he will ever open that book. God forbid he might actually be moved by something. The man doesn't love me and I can never go home again. All the supposed moments of breakthrough were nothing...just moments in which he forgot the state of our marriage and slipped back into the old familiarity. All were due to alcohol. Nothing is real except the fact we are through.
Every day I create Bills of Complaint for Divorce, do depositions, have people served and ultimately, I write the Final Decrees. I have served the enemy long and faithfully now in that one regard. It started in my MLC with the destruction of my own marriage. I realized last night that what I have in front of me every day is the means to legally end this. I know the process and can push through all my own paperwork. To be married according to nothing but a piece of paper is meaningless to me. Yes, I realize I am also married in the eyes of God. That is why 9 months ago I tatooed intertwined wedding rings on the back of my right shoulder. I will never be free BECAUSE I know that. That is why the only outcome for me had to be the restoration of my marriage. I will just never be free.
hmmmm
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
you know? you did your part, admitted to your faults and tried to fix them. so now you walk away from it all after trying so hard, which he knew you were trying hard. i still believe that you will be restored, because i believe that you love each other. maybe what he needs is to see you stop doing what you are doing. to see you "be done". maybe that will scare him enough to take a look at himself. while you were in mlc, you were done(or thought you were), but this will be different. in any case, you clearly need a break and you are taking it......
Quote:
I will just never be free.
----bull$#!t you already are free
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
