To the quote below on Jazz's thread, I wrote the post that follows here.
And for now, I am finished.
Quote:
Wait, HE left for 8 months and THEN you went MLC for 15 more? Holy CRAP! Why did he come back after 8 months?
No one "goes" MLC.
Emotionally and mentally I was a wreck long before that fact started to manifest itself outwardly. If you know anything, you KNOW this process starts internally. The result of that can be anger or depression or a mixture of both. I leaned towards anger more often than not but I had some hellacious bouts of depression and even just numbness at times where I was literally like a zombie. Looking back I have realized that nothing that happened in the weeks/months leading to my husband leaving that first time was viewed by me and processed accurately. Every interaction with my husband and myself was HEIGHTENED - we had arguments in which I visibly seethed (previously, I had been non-expressive) but never once did I consider MY point of view might be inaccurate. Never once did I (nor had I ever) considered that some of the things my husband bitched about might be legitimate. No. In MLC already, I thought myself a victim but I wasn't going to be for much longer. I viewed my husband and having kept me "down" somehow during those years we CHOSE for me to stay home with the kids, I blamed his drinking for my refusal to get a job which was actually linked directly to my own dangerously low self-esteem and fear after having been OUT of the workforce for so long. Further truth was, his drinking had really only became an issue on weekends and while I don't now excuse that, the man simply had too much stress on him for too long with a now-self-righteous wife that wouldn't talk to him and mostly wouldn't make love with him either.
Here's the bitter truth of how we came to separate the first time: He was sick of my [censored] and in anger, he grabbed my arm during an argument. My daughter was standing behind him at the time. I flipped out and called the cops. He went to jail for domestic abuse that night and it was NOT abuse. I seized the moment and in my own warped mind, I was justified. We went through the court system and the only time I started breaking was concerning the kids. A judge tried to make us meet at a social services office for him to see them. That was the only time I saw reality for what it was and I fought FOR him and got that stipulation amended by arguing on my kids behalf to the judge. My husband remained bound by a loose restraining order that simply stated "no abusive behavior towards a family member". My husband was scared to death and he stayed gone for a total of 8 months, living at his parents house. In the interim, what a great time for me to run into an old flame. Thus began my affair and my journey deeper into the fog. Around the time the holidays came that year, I was sentimental off and on. I now know through reading my own letters that I was back and forth wanting H to stay gone and then the next minute I wanted him home. In November he came home. I was still having the affair, although it was losing steam. I remained convinced I had to get out of my marriage. I was defiant towards my husband when he came home. The first night my husband was home was literally spent with both of us in tears. At the beginning of the year, I ended the affair by my own choice. The om then stalked me and I pressed charges against him and ended up back in the court system. Kinda makes ya look at the common denominator in both cases, huh? Well not me. I was a victim, you understand ... My husband had done everything. Without the aid of a board such as this, or even one best friend, he shut out everyone and focused on us and our family. During his 8 months away he'd done what we here call the "hard work". He quit drinking and I know he realized all of the mistakes that he had made over the years because he told me so. I however, had not done the same and continued to make them. He spent the majority of the next 15 months on the couch. And still he fought for us. Alone. In the end, he began to drink again and slowly he began to become angry. One afternoon, he finally faced me and started calling me on every damn bit of BS I'd put him through. I still couldn't see it though. I disagreed vehemently. He took one step towards me and I called the cops. He went back to jail. That protective order was enforced and he'd done nothing that time. I lied and I felt justified and triumphant.
I was often at the edge of the tunnel over the next 6 months. Several major events occured that finally threw me out on my ass and I broke completely.
Is it any wonder I can never go back?
Jazz you piss me off because you think it's all fun and games and an escape from responsibility to be in MLC. You're out of your friggin mind. Imagine for a moment what it would be like to be stuck in a dark hole screaming for daylight half the time and running from it the next because you know you're not good enough to stand in that light!
How wonderful it must be for to sit in your ivory tower and judge your wife, who has already been on a hellish journey in her life that would have broken you. How dare you criticize pain and her reactions to it that you can not possibly comprehend in your finite mind. You are blind by choice, self-absorbed, impatient, disrespectful and faithless.
You might be the 'go to' guy for rest and recreation but you my friend, suck in the trenches! _________________________
I've followed your sitch since back in early '06... I've heard most all of this in one post or another. I know this is not the complete story but I just want you to know that I couldn't be pulling for anyone more.
You are one tough chick... facing your demons and fighting to regain what was lost but on a much stonger foundation. I admire your strength and your will to allow God to work through you.
Keep the faith girl.... He's doing a mighty work in you.
NOW... what'd you mean "for now you're finished"
~lost
Last edited by lost-n-found; 07/13/0701:24 AM.
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
((((AmyC)))) Oh, my. No wonder you've had such a hard time forgiving yourself. I can't even come up with any words. Don't go Amy, we'll help hold you up for a while. You might stay away from Jazz for a while, though. After reading that, he ought to think his wife is an angel! Just be still....
I tried to send you a message and it got off on the wrong place. I may not be at the right place now, but I wanted to tell you how much you have helped me. Please look under my thread to see where I tried to talk to you. If you can't find it, let me know, because I want you to know all your hard work in trying to help people has found me. It got through to me Amy...it really did! I have enoght sense to know that I am having a strong moment tonight after last night was so hard for me...but at least I am waking up. Thank you and just know that you and a lot of other folks that I have read from have help to save a marriage....mine. I will continue to talk because I have a lot of healing, but I am awake now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I tried to send you a message and it got off on the wrong place. I may not be at the right place now, but I wanted to tell you how much you have helped me. Please look under my thread to see where I tried to talk to you. If you can't find it, let me know, because I want you to know all your hard work in trying to help people has found me. It got through to me Amy...it really did! I have enoght sense to know that I am having a strong moment tonight after last night was so hard for me...but at least I am waking up. Thank you and just know that you and a lot of other folks that I have read from have help to save a marriage....mine. I will continue to talk because I have a lot of healing, but I am awake now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Likewise, Amy...you were such a critical part of the restoration of MY Marriage! I am praying for you and your H daily!! Praise God for putting you in my life....and for the work He is doing in your marriage!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
