Hmmmm....you got seriously pissed off when someone told you SH was a cake eater. If he was eating cake and you did something about it, why did you get so pissed off when that exact thing was suggested?
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I think this was causing her to cycle...and ask questions over and over of us on the board.
Maybe Cinders was cycling because you dopes kept answering the questions, fueling the fire, and causing her to cycle. Because when swl and I told here what she was doing she was able to quickly pull herself out.
Cinders, you are doing great. All you needed was for someone to tell you that you were normal and help you realize that you would be ok. You didn't need the nastiness that these know-it-alls were heeping on you.
Don't give me too much credit. SWL jumped in before I did. She knows the score. It is so much easier for these folks to jump on a bandwagon than it is to step back and ask what is really happening.
You're welcome, Cinders. It is a joy to watch you. You are as nice as anyone here. And you have come farther in a very short period of time than some ever do.
As with all things in this whole ordeal, MLC or not, I don't think there is a set of rules to follow or a lot of analysis in right or wrong, or even figuring out what they are doing.
I think we can make some good guesses that are on mark. That having 2 people chase/want them makes them feel good, though they are not ready to committ to either one. That's basic human nature.
Another that I have found (at least in my case) - no matter what you do, it doesn't seem to make a huge + difference, until they are ready to come forth from the mess.
What is cake eating? Is the WAS doing it? Do I let it happen? Not?
It's about personal choices at this point. Setting your own boundaries. Ones you can live with, and ones that let you live forward in a healthy way. AND, ones that respect what the WAS wants, too.
In my case - my H wanted me to leave, wanted space, and not to contact him. I did all of that, without a word. I thought my H enjoyed it, which he seemed to do. Now, since he wants to share blame of our D, he says that I abandoned him, put my pride before love and should have been pursuing.
Can I win? Nope. B/c it's not something I can win at. I gave him what he asked for, out of RESPECT to his wishes. And it's still wrong.
I don't regret what I did....b/c ultimately it was good for ME. NC, detachment and moving on with life was good for me. That was my choice. And, it's not to say the choices of others here, who do maintain a R with the WAS is not right...they are all right if it works for YOU.
Based on what my H says now, I do believe that a lot of it is crap. That he just wants the blood to be on my hands too. BUT, I believe that there is a lot of truth to it, as well. He acted in anger pushing me out of his life. I honestly think a part of him wanted me chasing back. To test love? For his ego? Who knows. But, I do know that even if I did go chasing back, it would not have worked.
I cut myself out for my own sanity, respect for his wishes, and also for another reason. I wanted to remove myself from the equation of H's life. He said I was exactly what he needed to get rid of, like all these folks. That his life was miserable b/c of me. So, I wanted to see if that was true. The hypothesis is that with me gone, his life would be on the track to good and healthy. Wrong. I can read a million times that "this is not YOU, it's about the WAS, it's them.." But, since I'm not one to blame something else for my problems, nothing was better proof than seeing it for myself. Only then could I see this was really not about me.
And, THAT, allows me to move on.
What do you want out of this journey. How much interaction do you tolerate. What value does it add to your life. Who is it good for? What about your kids? Keep those points in mind when thinking about this. If that means having the spouse in your life for the kids, in a friendly way - do it. If it means that they may find their way back home and you enjoy the company and bond - then do it. If not, then find ways to back off.
