Quote: LL. Are you afraid to be REALLY blunt because of what the consequences might be?
I am one who has never been afraid to be blunt...if you don't want to know what I really think..then don't talk to me! (that's always been my way) with the introduction of dr I've learned that bluntness (or as I prefer to call it blatant honesty) was not productive...my h had been having an ea then left me...I had to stop being blunt with him...had to act as if..etc..
last night I was perturbed..when h finally did get home (7ish) I was ready to go...I had put dd to bed and kissed son good bye...son wanted another kiss by the door..h came with him...I kissed son but did not go to kiss h...h asked what about me? so I gave him the obligatory peck he gives me..and he asked what was that about...I said nothing...he said he'd call me in a bit..so he did...when he asked me what was wrong I told him I'd hoped he would be able to tell me..basically it was a long and depressing conversation (and mostly one sided)
I know how h feels...that same old love you not in love with you..h wont deny it..I know what that feeling can lead to but h claims he doesn't see that happening (again)
I said alot of things...h said little...what h did try to do is point out what he is doing...helping out around the house...being here...staying around more (sleeping in is more like it) you know the possitives that I try to focus on..
so I asked him if that was supposed to make me feel loved?? h said he's doing what he can...
I talked to him about how ironic it is that when I was trying to show him love by...cooking, cleaning, wanting to spend time with him, wanting to be physical with him, taking care of him..he somehow got the message that I hated him... so then why should I feel loved? the messages are not sent in the right manner. I talked about ow briefly only to point out that it was unlikely that he was cleaning up for her, doing dishes, caring for her kids, cleaning her car and running errands for her...and if he wasn't being physical with her...then how was it that he was showing or expressing those "in love" feelings that he had for her???
H doesn't want to talk about things..and (some one tell me how to spell quiet I end up using very instead) very often leaves me feeling like he hasn't heard me or just doesn't care...our converstions have no closure...there is no end..there is no level of comfort reached I do not feel heard...h always cuts it off has to go on to something else..but then low and behold calls later and leaves a message on my cell...he's going to bed..it's windy and getting icy so be careful..i'll be asleep when you get home so I wont see you but look forward to you being here,,,and look forward to seeing you in the morning ok goodnight LL.
and just a few min ago...called me for no reason other than to see what we are all up to and actually spent 5 min talking with me...mostly me talking..but interactive him asking me about things...I just am more open, have more opinions, ideas, thoughts etc so it's easier for me.
it did make me feel good that he called, but (damn me and my famous but) I wish that he would have commented on our discussion. for once I would like to have "make up" sex with h instead of just end of the night sex. actually I would just settle for a "make up" hug...I don't know I am so damn confused it baffles me.
I am not afraid to be blunt with h...if he's gonna leave he can leave...I will be ok.
since I was upstairs putting laundry away with dd when h called he got to "talk" with dd (she just gibber gabers she's 1 1/2) but son was downstairs so he didn't talk to him. thinking (and wanting to) of thanking him for calling me as it did make me feel better...I called so son could say hi to h...son was being a typical 3 year old and turned his head..so I talked to h...simply said oh well I thought he'd like to say hi but guess he's in a mood and I wanted to thank you for calling me...h said you don't have to thank me...I said well it made me feel good that you called so I wanted to thank you..h said ok then your welcome..then h started talking about some problem with one of his accounts (he's his own secretary) and some misplaced entries....then had to go as he was getting wrapped up in it.
Quote: I am one who has never been afraid to be blunt...if you don't want to know what I really think..then don't talk to me! (that's always been my way) with the introduction of dr I've learned that bluntness (or as I prefer to call it blatant honesty) was not productive...my h had been having an ea then left me...I had to stop being blunt with him...had to act as if..etc..
Christ, LL, I KNOW you're this way. Difference is, before you read DR I assume you approached your displeasure with a bit more "tenacity?" My point is, now after all of your soul searching, reading, examining, etc., that you know far better how to communicate than you did previously. Can one not be REALLY blunt and kind at the same time? This is what I meant...
Quote: I talked to him about how ironic it is that when I was trying to show him love by...cooking, cleaning, wanting to spend time with him, wanting to be physical with him, taking care of him..he somehow got the message that I hated him... so then why should I feel loved? the messages are not sent in the right manner. I talked about ow briefly only to point out that it was unlikely that he was cleaning up for her, doing dishes, caring for her kids, cleaning her car and running errands for her...and if he wasn't being physical with her...then how was it that he was showing or expressing those "in love" feelings that he had for her???
Did he say nothing when you mentioned this about OW? Frankly, your H needs to read "5 Love Languages." He's trying to show you he cares for you by doing things he likes you to do for him rather than doing things you like. LL, at least the effort is there.
Quote: Did he say nothing when you mentioned this about OW?
well let's see...somewhere in there was thrown in the fact that he had taken her to lunch...if he had been showing me he "loved" me why would he not have called me and said hey hon I've got an hour bring son down and we'll get lunch...
h " oh this again"
h still has feelings for ow...is not reflecting, is not doing the supposed "soul searching" he intended...h is choosing to just put his needs aside for his family...
we all know where this will lead don't we.
I would find it hard to believe h would read any books at this point...that opportunity was missed...if anything I would have to read it (and I did look for it at the book store but they didn't have any so my search is on...maybe while I'm out tonight) and then mention or read things to him..unlikely that he would read it himself...if I had been the one to leave...I would have been let go and that would be that...
I have talked about some of the "love launguages" with him...let him know that when I go out I want for him to call me and/or even tell me that he want's or would like for me to stay home with him... I know that when he goes out he doesn't want to be called and doesn't want to be "hassled" by me saying I'd like for him to stay home with me. h does not tell me these things I have learned them by paying attention to him...h never bothered to pay attention to me and my damn cheesless tunnels.
I suppose I could try to get him to read or at least listen to some of the books with me. I think that after last nights conversation he knows that we have to do something or we will be a waw and a wah simply living together for the kids. oh joy!
I don't think either one of us wants that to happen and since I am the one more inclined to seek help, read books, think, and all that mumbo I will have to be the one to do so.
LL - doing a drive-by. Feeling somewhat burned out from all of the classes I've taken the past couple of days - need to recharge. Also need to get my thoughts together on the past couple of days in my sitch.
Got both kids home sick today - persistent fever. Such is life...
Hey I know I don't post much to you anymore but I follow your saga. Most times I just don't know exactly what to say although I can empathize with many of your feelings, complaints and concerns. Your emotions are certainly on a ride (as are most of ours on here) Up and Down, Up and Down.
I think it's possible I was on the verge a WAW when my H started his EA as well. So I understand that too.
I guess I only have one point to make, I hope it doesn't come across as condemning or anything. First let me say I KNOW how much effort you have put into your M and I can completely understand your frustration, but I can't understand you saying you will just live unhappily and if another man comes along to give you what you need that H is failing to do....."AH, well, so be it, I tried" I'm having a hard time understanding that attitude.
LL, with all the knowledge you have you ought to know this can't work. First of all you know the pain it caused you, would you really want to inflict that on anyone, on your H? Even though he did to you, would you really want to do that. You may not think he would care, but I'm sure he would, I'm sure it would hurt him. Not only that you have the knowledge you can make an informed decision. If you have put forth all the effort you absolutely can and honestly feel like you have done your part, but your H simply can't or won't put forth his part. You can make the decision to leave the marriage, before you get involved with someone else. Don't consciously become a WAW LL, you know better. You stay and stay faithful or you leave respectfully. And you know how to leave in a manner that is not WA. I may not have worded this quite right, but hopefully you'll get the jist of what I'm saying. JMHO. Hope I didn't offend.
Think about it. Sorry things are so hard for you right now.
Hello ll! Just passing thru and tried to catch up with your posts. Sounds like you are down and discouraged right now. <<<HUGS>>>. Can I give my $.02 worth here? Oops! Too late...lol.
This is just from my own humble experience. It may or may not apply to your circumstances. My h really resisted any kind of R talks, reading anything to "enlighten" him, and resented me trying to "change" him (his take on it).
When I stopped doing these things, my H (later) told me that he appreciated being given the space to sort things out. We still had lengthly conversations about everyday things, mutual interests,friends, and family but I avoided bringing up relationship issues between us.
It was like relating to him as a friend with no expectations for him to be my H. It was a process that took a lot of patience and yes I did "blow it" several times.
My H was "exploring" an EA at the time, I believe, and as I let go of my "H" expectations for him and related more to him as a friend, he responded back to me by allowing himself slowly to trust me with his emotional stuff again.
We are slowly trying to sort things out now. He even agreed to joint counselling (after being adamant months ago that it wouldn't help). We are trying to learn new communication techniques that will work for us. And yes, the handouts that our C gave us he still hasn't read but I am not going to "remind him" that we "have to" do this.
My h's MLC will ebb and flow the way it does. Better days are happenning more often for us right now. I hope that you find some encouragement here. You talked about some goals you have (emt training). Right on! Please take care of yourself and treat yourself to things that bring YOU some happiness and let you know that you are worth it because you are!! All the best to you lostlove!
PS ll. Bridget's last post on my thread "still at arm's length" was awesome and very encouraging for me! Feel free to read it. She has a lot of wise advise that sure fits for me! Take care.
ok ok I can shut up now...am I not entitled to my own alien moments (days) during all this???
I will not have an a I will not shut h out (though I may harden a bit) I will not give up I will not walk a way mentally or physically
it doesn't take much to make me happy I could go on...really what I am looking for is little things...the things we all want for our spouses to be our friends..our partners...to share life with us...
I am happy with little...h just said come here you gotta see this..and pointed out some new icicles that formed on our shovel and some others on the roof...that is all I am looking for...for h to say hey look at this...I see something interesting and want to "share" it with you!!! icsicles, stars, a fire..whatever...I'm happy.
