How’ve you been? Thanks for stopping by. How are things with you?? Thanks, OT. I’ve been doing good.
Memorial Day weekend I ended up camping with the kids & SO for most of the weekend. It was real nice. We went on Saturday….Sunday he had a work thing to do for a couple of hours and took D8 with him; me & the other 2 kids went back to his mothers and took a rest for the afternoon; then went back around 4 PM until Monday around the same time. It was very nice. Very relaxing. One or two snafu’s, but nothing major.
Wednesday afternoon I went over to his place. We hung out; he took me out to eat, came back; watched some of a movie. Curious thing he said, both over the weekend and on Wednesday about him & OW being over. He said she went through his phone and found text’s from/to me; checked his voice mail and must have found stuff she didn’t like. I didn’t really make any comments about it. More that I felt a sense of dread that the pendulum will now swing in the other direction. I.E. - his cycles. OW has ended things, so now he’ll swing back that way. That’s the way it’s historically been. When I have nothing to do with him - he pursues me; when she ends things, he pursues her. He did say Saturday night when we were camping "It's always you, NM. I'll always come back to you." and he "counts on me to 'understand' him". Again, curious statements not initiated by me. ? Another thing I've noticed is he's now always kissing me hello & goodbye - even in front of others, on the lips. This is something that had drifted away over the years between us. Now, he makes a definitive point to do it.
So, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been maintaining a steady keel. Don’t know what to do to break out of or break THE cycle. OT, suggestions? I know you’re good at this.
This weekend, he has talked about coming up & camping again. He is supposed to work Saturday, but said he was trying to get out of it. That’s another thing I’ve noticed - he keeps ditching his bar gigs. Either go for an hour to start it then leave; or completely give it to one of his guys and not go at all.
So, that’s about all. I guess right now, my main quandary is to figure out what, if anything, to do regarding this latest cycle pattern. What I could or should do differently.
If an open-R is OK, then when he starts seeing others, don't act like he is cheating. Accept it. Maybe see others yourself. Why not?
If an open-R is NOT-OK, then do not tolerate it. If he wants to be with you other than a friend and co-parent, he has to give up OW or any OW. Require one and only one more contact with OW in which you witness him come clean with her and tell her he wants no more contact with her. He can do this over the phone. If his behavior again becomes inconsistent, stop all non-business, non-kid contact. Do not accept more unless he does something to change himself -- therapy, medication, etc...
He CAN'T repeat the cycle unless you play your part in the cycle.
Thanks OT - that’s actually along the lines of what I was thinking. I just don’t know how to go about it. That would mean I would probably have to bring the subject up - and I’m a notorious NON-talker. L Part of the problem throughout our entire relationship. I’m also concerned that because I am such a bad talker about these kinds of things - I don’t want it to come out like an ultimatum. Or is that what it is? And is it time for that, an ultimatum of sorts?
The thing is, if we were to enter into another committed R, not that I can predict the future or anything, but I wouldn’t want this to happen again. Meaning, a couple of months on down the road have him change his mind again. I KNOW - NO PREDICTING THE FUTURE. So that’s a stupid statement to make on my part. Or maybe what I’m trying to say is I prefer him to make the decision himself, as opposed to being forced into a decision. I mean, that email he sent me a few weeks back really does show the confusion he’s dealing with. I think it was good step on his part to acknowledge it and admit it to me - something he’s never really done before. And of course, OW doesn’t know about this. Not to the best of my knowledge anyway. He has always kept “me” and our involvement secret from her. I only mention it because I don’t know how it factors in.
I’ve done my best to try and understand his confusion. Trying to give him the space he’s seems to want, without trying to push for anything. Trying to respect his need to work this out on his own. Is me pushing for something in direct opposition to trying to give him space & time to work things out on his own?
accept that he is going to see other people, lie about it to you and them, and continue your personal R with him for your own reasons. this means no drama when the OW stuff happens, you chose it, you own it. if you take this route, I suggest you make it clear to him that this goes both ways. no drama from him if you date OM and lie about it to him. It is an open R, he doesn't get open on his end and exclusive on your end.
OR
do not accept that treatment and cut off your personal R with him as soon as there are indications of it. if he tries to restore contact, then you can tell him the conditions under which you might consider it. you don't need to lay this out now, but only if it becomes appropriate. again, if i were you, this would include meeting with his C who he needs to be in therapy with, hearing him come clean with OW and ending it, and so on...
OR
do not accept that treatment and at the first sign of OW, choose to officially switch to an open R on both your parts.
Whatever. The thing NOT to do is to continue to be the loyal NM who is always there, still in a single-sided exclusive R, ready to be confidante and fck-buddy or lover, whatever SO wants, whenever the whim strikes him. That is the role that keeps the cycle going. Without you in that role, it stops, simple as that. Right now, you are the one spinning the wheel just as much as he is.
Also, quit worrying about what things sound like. It is better to do your best to communicate than to not communicate at all. If it is easier to express yourself in writing, then email him.
Well, I’ve been living life! LOL Been having fun, taking the kids places; and when I’m on the computer these days I’ve been doing genealogy research. That’s become a new hobby for when I’m bored. It’s been interesting finding new relatives. May sound morbid, but have been visiting cemeteries, going to places where my ancestors are from; have a weekend planned in August to visit relatives at a reunion.
Been hanging out with SO most weekends. We’ve taken the kids camping most every weekend at the travel trailer. If he’s had to work, I’ve gone with him. It’s been nice.
Right now, he’s back in the hospital. Went in last Tuesday with severe abdominal pain again. He’s still there. He has surgery scheduled for July 16th…so I don’t know. They’re going to do some more tests today…but, I don’t know what’s going to happen.
Here’s the biggie - he asked me to move back. And my answer, well, quite frankly - NONE. I never answered him. It took me by surprise and I wasn’t ready to answer. I’ve been thinking about it, and, as stated before by Ellie, OT, myself, and others - there’s going to have to be certain um, “demands” that are going to have to be met first. I’m still thinking about what things would need to be done. And I have no intention of bringing the subject up until he does. If he brings it up again, well, then we can get into the logistics. And those may make him change his mind. LOL As far as I’m concerned, I will not return to “Whackadoo City”… There is no reason for me to go back to the craziness that was taking place while I was living there. And, I’m not about to do anything that’s going to make things more difficult for the kids, either. We have none of the stress, none of the upset that we were living with before and I won’t go back to it. Why? BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE TO. More importantly, I don’t want to.
As far as I know, OW is out of the picture. And has been since mid May.
So that’s where things are at. One thing at a time. I plan on enjoying the summer with the kids. With or without SO.
:-D Great to hear you feeling so good. I am so happy for you to see you in such a good place. Yay!!! -- re the boundary stuff. No victim to be found in that post!
LOL Been having fun, taking the kids places; and when I’m on the computer these days I’ve been doing genealogy research. That’s become a new hobby for when I’m bored. It’s been interesting finding new relatives. May sound morbid, but have been visiting cemeteries, going to places where my ancestors are from; have a weekend planned in August to visit relatives at a reunion.