I also want to add to Cori's post. DO NOT LET YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR XW CLOUD YOUR JUDGMENT OR YOUR PATH.
That is the toughest part of all of this. It is so easy to become a doormat when we try to lovingly detatch that is where the firm stand comes in. Just be firm and fair that is all you can do.
As well as continue to treat her as you would want to be treated even if she is not doing it. This is the part where your kids will learn and strive.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Ben - "DO NOT LET YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR XW CLOUD YOUR JUDGMENT OR YOUR PATH." Yup...this will be hard to do....no doubt...really hard. Ugh. And by the way buddy..not XW...yet. She is scheduling mediation and I'm accepting the reality.
Rob, I guess the one difference is that I'm not doing this to save my M anymore. I'm doing this for me. I need to prove to myself (thank you Cori!) that I can meet obsticales in life with love instead of anger. This is for me. I will not allow her poor choices hurt me anymore. She can make all the poor choices she wants. The more she makes the more it makes me realize that I do not want to spend my life with her...but I refuse to be angry with her for her poor choices...those are her's to make.
If I implied that you should do this exclusively to save your M, I did not mean to. While I think it was an important factor in my own success, I also am a huge believer in the idea that, above all else, Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Originally Posted By: swashy
And Ian asked the question he asked because she IS with him and will be with him. "I will not leave you for him" was just another lie. She may tell herself that she is leaving me because of issues in our M...but the fact is, he is still the carrot waiting on the other side.
I'm sorry to say, that doesn't surprise me much. When my W was pushing hardest for the D and for her moving out, the OM was waiting in the wings. She told herself - and believed it, I think - that this 'safety net' wasn't a big part of her actions. However, when her A imploded, I believe she discovered that she was relying on it much more than she had admitted to herself. Is the same true for your W? Based on my experience - probably.
Does this make things easier? Certainly not.
Does this change what you decide to do? Only you can answer that. How long to keep standing for the M, and when it's time to move on, is something each of us has to decide for ourselves.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I am not scared of you Ian. I just think that you come across as an angry person. We all have issues on this board that we are dealing with, and I was just giving you my take on things as an outsider. I get the feeling that you think that you can "do no wrong" and that your opinion is always the correct one. It's ok for people to have differing opinions. This is, after all, a public forum.
As far as sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, well, Scott is one of my friends and I care about him. I follow his sitch and give input from time to time. I am not scared to voice my opinion. Also, I was not getting defensive, just offering my opinion. Your post, however, was very defensive. As far as self esteem, everyone on this board has some sort of self esteem issue from one time or another, so for you to say that you don't have that issue is just you being defensive. Ian, I think that sometimes you should take your own advice.
Oh, and I did read your posts. I REALLY read them. Read them more than once, then thought about it, and posted my opinion on what I thought unconditional love really means.
We may not agree on things, but I am not a bad person, Ian. I am a human being, with thoughts and feelings - just like you. Quite frankly, I am a sensitive person, and I am also very caring. I don't think I deserve to be spoken to in the manner that you communicate to me. I could have responded to you with a lashing, but I choose not to. I do care about other people and don't like to hurt people's feelings. I don't really see the need to argue about things. We are all adults and we can agree to disagree on things.
I hope you have a good time on your trip, Ian. I do care.
M: 29 H: 27 Married: 6/22/02 Bomb: 6/12/06 H moved out: 6/16/06 Signed D papers: 1/8/07 D final: 5/14/07
Not much to add - just some food for thought from the Dalai Lama:
"Compassion without attachment is possible. Therefore, we need to clarify the distinctions between compassion and attachment. True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Because of this firm foundation, a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the needs of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop genuine concern for their problem. This is genuine compassion."
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Thanks Rob. I'm in a video conference meeting right now....blah, blah, blah. Amazing how much of my time is spent sitting in meeting now with this new position.
I hear ya Rob. Very good point and I appreciate you relating what happened in your own experience. Will this R implode? Who knows. Will she want to come back to me if it did? Who knows. Will they end up getting married and living happily every after? Who knows.
My point is...I have no idea how this will play out and therefore I need to not worry about that and simply do what is right for me. If it plays out that she comes back to me at some point...I'll see where I'm at. My gut says that it just may be too little too late...but only time will tell. Then again...true love never dies.
Right now I'm just looking forward to having dinner with a very attractive, successful, interesting young lady tomorrow night. I sent some pics from last weekend to the peanut gallery and plenty of them had dibs on this little hottie...sorry guys...keeping my options open at this point.
Not much to add - just some food for thought from the Dalai Lama:
"Compassion without attachment is possible. Therefore, we need to clarify the distinctions between compassion and attachment. True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Because of this firm foundation, a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the needs of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop genuine concern for their problem. This is genuine compassion."
That is fantastic Jen. THANK YOU! This is exactly the type of examples I wish to follow.
You have stated your opinion very well Kristy. Good for you.
Right now I'm just looking forward to having dinner with a very attractive, successful, interesting young lady tomorrow night. I sent some pics from last weekend to the peanut gallery and plenty of them had dibs on this little hottie...sorry guys...keeping my options open at this point.
All I am going to say is just be careful. Be straight forward with her and have a great time. It is a great boost to the PMA. Hope you have a good time tomorrow night.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
