Yeah, I feel that way from time to time. My ex never married skank and I have no contact with him whatsoever. But something that's always helped me is to remember that I really don't "know" the ex any longer. He's definitely not the same person I married 29 years ago. Gawd, was it really that long ago? I didn't marry someone who I would have believed would trade his M and family in for a sex, drugs, rock and roll life. Problem is, as we all go through life, we do change. The ex changed in a way I couldn't recognize him or even communicate with him. Don't know if it's a good thing to always go back and worry about that any more.
No you haven't been betrayed by your kids. In all reality, if they're like mine, they're very likely torn. I don't really know what it is like for boys (I have all girls), but they want to see their dad and have him be "dad," even though they're all grown up. Sheez, my oldest is 28! But they want to talk to their dad too and be with him. Unfortunately, he falls off the face of the earth on his binges so when they do see him, they deal with skank as best they can.
If you think you need therapy, go for it. It helps to get another perspective. Maybe someone within your church or just finding a good "coach" can help too. You sound like you need to know you're a beautiful, loving, kind person. And you are. Some reinforcement is always a good thing, no?
I have one cat. And h#ll NO will I ever be the crazy cat lady lol... I keep leaving the door open "accidentallly" to see if my cat will run away...and I keep finding her perched somewhere to spy on me LOL.
I can talk to you about boys since I have 3 of them. All kids are different, but at the same time similar.
Boys are like little men. They see the skank as someone new just like your X did. She shows them her happy, chirpy little self and boys really like that. Meanwhile, at your house they have chores, responsibilities, and it's you that has to make them do those things. It's a really tough thing to do, but you have to put your anger and hurt face away where they're concerned. Of course they love you, but expescially boys your kids' ages, they lean away from their moms at a certain age, just as girls lean towards their mothers after they reach a certain age.
DNO, show your boys that you're ok. Happiness is contagious. Try not to make them feel weird about coming home from the X's house after a weekend there. I know I had to bite my tongue for a long while after we split. Make them want to come home. You can even tell them to clean up their rooms with a smile on your face. Get your anger out in a different way. Talk to a therapist if that will help. Go take a class of some type to get it out, but get it out before they come home.
It's easy for that woman to be nice and happy all the time because she doesn't deal with the everyday yuckiness of having boys living in her house. Of all the things she's caused in your life, don't allow any more.
Just once I would like someone to say "you left your wife and kids for that?"
Most people typically don't say things like that to other people's faces. On the other hand, most people love to gossip and they do say things like that behind their back. And in all likelihood the OW knows this. You will always be the standard that she will fail to live up to.
I think it is a credit to you as a mother that you have created an environment where your kids feel that they have your permission to like OW. They need to heal and move past the D and part of that is some level of acceptance. If they hated OW - it would make them bitter and unhappy. They need to purge themselves of D related angst so they have room for the other issues they will face in their lives.
I am sorry that you are in pain. I think part of it is that you are still defining yourself by the X's actions. He did the things he did b/c of who he is - NOT b/c of who you are.
The facts of my situation are a little different so I don't know what else I can say that doesn't end up sounding trite... I am not sure if you have been to C - it may not be a bad idea to see one if you have not. There is nothing wrong with you or what you are thinking or feeling - you may just need a little help processing it.
I have felt every emotion you have, and yes it's so hard when it comes to your kids and the O/W. Mine are older now, and truly know what their Dad did and the O/W but they still don't really show it. When they're with them they might not like it to much but they do show them both respect. Even though my girls say they have little respect for him for what he did, he's still their Dad.
My girls have told me divorce was the hardest thing they ever had to go through and they have been so torn. I know this has damaged them for life I just pray they heal with time.
DNO, please go talk to someone, it really helps. I agree totally with what AG said about defining yourself by the X's actions. It's not you DNO, it's him. You need to hear that and believe it. It wasn't YOU.
Try to be the best actress you can when the boys come home from there. Smile, tell them your glad they're home.........and then go in the shower and scream. lol Don't let them see the Ex and O/W get to you, show them your way above them both.
That will get easier with time to.
Come here and vent, we all understand.
PS. I'm seeing a really nice guy, it's way to soon to tell what's going to happen, but he really seems nice. And no it's not the same one I went out on a second date with........Oh there's been so many I've lost track. lol
DNO, I've actually been in the position your boys are in. My biological Dad left my Mom and married the OW. My siblings and I all went to the wedding and anyone that looked at us could tell how angry we were!!! I was about 18 when this took place and my siblings were 17, 14 and 7. All of us felt the same about the entire mess.
However......in time we learned to accept her. Like you said, when we'd visit them, OW was happy, giving, fun, etc. She bent over backwards to make us accept her. At first, we did for my Dad's sake. Like everyone said, we all still loved him and wanted to spend time with him. We did NOT respect either of them. In time, I have to say that I ended up liking her a lot. Eventually, their M was NOT happy either and she was faithful to him when he was not faithful to her (gee, imagine that)!!
My Dad died of heart failure at 53. In spite of what he was and what he did, I miss him. He screwed up his life in so many ways but I forgave him for everything long before he died.
This sounds so trite, but, forgiveness really is for YOU. Hopefully, you'll be able to get to that point eventually.
If you're not seeing a T already, go see one. You've held on to this anger and bitterness long enough. You won't be happy until you let it go.
I apologize to you if I sounded trite earlier this morning. I was checking in before work and was in a rush. I hope you take anything I said as a matter of my having boys and you having boys. Mine are all older than yours and I only speak of what I've learned from having had three of them. Plus I have a daughter so I know the extreme differences between girls and boys.
I just had 6 boys in my house. They left to go fishing for a little while. They come here because they feel comfortable here. I make them clean up after themselves - and they do not mind. I talk to them. I usually smile at them. I feed them. I love them. I usually just let them be. And one of them is staying here temporarily until he goes to college in a few weeks because his parents kicked him out. I tell him to fix that. It's a goal of mine to try to help him get that fixed.
But what I'm trying say is boys need something different than girls. We as girls don't understand fully - I surely never will - how their minds work - they ARE from Mars.
But the one thing I've found is that boys do need females and males, and they love having laughter and smiles in their lives. I think that's more important than anything else to them. I know that MY boys have the option of either being here with me or there with their dad, and they choose to be here with me. Stability is a really big thing for them. For mine especially. They know I'm here. They know if there's a problem I will be here. It took me a long time to not have an attitude towards their dad. But once I let that go, they knew. My baby-baby boy still wants me to rub his head and his back. My other baby boy still wants me to be here when he gets home from work. That's what they need from me. So I try to give that to them.
I think we have to DB our sons. That's not to say we can't be ourselves, but if we take the right attitude, we can help both them and ourselves overcome this really tough time.
I agree with Queenie. Scream in your shower. Just don't let the boys hear you. They'll freak!
Maybe those of you that have read my thread remember me talking about the friend of mine whose preacher husband left her and their four children for some bimbo about a year and a half ago.
Well, apparently last week, he married his bimbo. Funny thing is, the Judge has not signed the divorce decree from his marriage to my friend. Talk about not even letting the ink dry---there was no ink!!
I'm not sure of the legalities of this, but my friends lawyer (which was also mine) told her to let him find out for himself and let his new wife deal with the mess of it. Maybe the next wedding he will actually invite his own children to the wedding, not that they would want to go. Oh, and he's husband number four for his trophie wife. Another man that got stuck with the booby prize--or heck, maybe she did. :-P
I'm doing pretty well. The X has the boys this weekend. I went out with a friend last week and had a really good time. We celebrated her birthday---Mexican food and then went and saw Hairspray. No way that my boys would have sat through that. I liked it for the music--and John Travolta in a dress cracked me up. Just the mannerisms.
Not much going on with me otherwise. I've read the 7th Harry Potter book and sat through the Simpsons movie with my boys. Tomorrow I may go out and see if I can find some bargains in summer clearance. Or heck, maybe I'll climb into the pool--it's supposed to be 100 degrees tomorrow. Maybe I'll do both.:-)
My boys start back to school next week. Back to the grind for them--and I lose and hour of sleep every morning so that I can get them ready for school and the bus. Rats!!! I sure have been enjoying that extra hour.
