Was fine til I got back from vacation!

[Kim07]

Ahhhh,,,Florida was beautiful, relaxing,,ocean does that to me! I had such a great time w/my family who live there, had fun w/my kids S12 & S8(no H on trip) (well when we were not arguing 'bout manners,lol),,things have been so stressful for them lately,,I will be sooo happy when our therapy starts, we all need it! Except for H, he says the kids are fine & he hasn't noticed any change in their behavior since we have been separated for 4yrs!! And that i'm free to get them C'ing as long as I pay for it! Sometimes,,I despise him!

Well, we got back from vacation yesterday, then I drove right to Boulder for my appt w/Michele & H! H acted as if he knew more about what was best for us than Michele!

H laughed about how he was in great shape, mentally & emotionally regarding our present sitch,,that the D was inevitable & that he had left NO STONE unturned in trying to make our M work & that he was thru,,Michele asked how i've been getting along,,I said, It feels as though 1/2 my soul has been ripped from my body & then it happened, I started to cry, which I have not done in a long time,,DANGIT!! I blew it!! Here I had done all this work for so many months & I cried,,Michele asks at the end if H is willing to work on the M (not moving in together)but work on our R & H says,,I don't know,,she pushes again,,H says I suppose so,,,good, then let me schedule a time for next wk,,ok,,then it gets worse!

Today I had an argument w/H on the phone re: the kids schedule w/him,,H takes all these trips out of country & state & I rely on those times to spend extra quality time w/my kids,,the last 2 trips hes' cancelled & had come back early from 1 but won't tell me why & he does this 1-2wks prior so I can't make definate plans! I can't help but wonder who this special OW might be for him to cancel his trips(did this w/me in the beginning of our R when I wasn't happy w/H leaving all the time)?? But lately i've been very excited & happy for H to be gone so I can have a whole wk w/the kids & not worry what lie he will conjure up next!

Then I tried twice calling H on his cell,,he doesn't answer anymore but will call back sometimes,,and instead of leaving a long mess & an open time for H to get back to me(needed to talk to him then) I decided to call his work b/c H had told the boys this morning when he dropped them off at my house that H was going to work today,,I call his work, tell them whose calling & she says hes' not here today! I hung up & got mad!! H called me back right when I hung up w/his office & I asked him if he was at work & he said yes,,so I said then why did your office say you weren't there today?? He said they were having "phone issues" & that he needed to go & what the hell did I need, i'm busy?!! (people & woman laughing in background, park setting? Not indoors!)So I proceeded to tell him that if he feels the need to lie to his kids to just not say anything at all,,he yelled at me again which made me even more mad! I end up yelling at him & hanging up & then he TM'd me back saying that I jump to conclusions & that if I would of just listened I would have gotten it! Of course I flew into a rage b/c I do listen but H is a bad communicator-doesn't tell important details,,so I called back to leave a long mess. on his cell,,,OOOPS!!

I said, You know just how to hurt me,,I don't read minds & you know that but you do it anyway to get my goat,,don't use my kids for your personal delight, that i'm tired of him telling me at the last minute what trips hes' taking & what days he will be out of town so my plans get messed up! I'm tired of trying so hard to make this last flicker of hope for our M work just to see him stomp on it,,What is going thru your head?? I'm not going to play games w/my kids! I can't believe your acting like this,,Great, now I have to tell Michele that you really didn't mean it when you said you'd work on our M-I don't know what to say to her now b/c i'm so confused!,,Why do you do this?? I have told you & Michele that i'm the one who wants this marriage to be saved but you don't,,that i'm the one who has been going thru hell while you say that you are fine!,,I've given you your space, lots of it, your freedom, your separation, i've worked around your work schedule,complimented you on your time spent w/kids, your clothes, clean car, the boys rooms, etc.,,you said in front of Michele that in the last few months by me backing off that it was like a ton of bricks lifted off your shoulders but you say there haven't been any changes in me that you noticed??! WTF! I don't understand your encripted messages & when I ask you to clarify you get defensive so therefore we need a mediator to hash out our differences in front of in re: to the kids schedules & I will not give up my 1/2 of time w/the kids, thats' MY BOUNDRY!!!

I think I blew it!! I need some help,,what should I do next??!!
Should I call Michele & tell her what just happened?
Should I get the D papers in order?
Should I cancel next wks' appt. W/Michele knowing he probably won't go?
Should I go dark? I'm already detached except for the kids stuff!
Is there a point of no return & i've hit it?

Counseling for the kids and I will start in a wk,,so thats' a positive!
Thanks to all for reading and you wise words!
Kim

[MileHigh]

Hey, Kim. I know we've missed the chance to talk a few times since you've been back what with me working on the house all the time or "piecing my butt off" as someone once said....

Glad the trip was good. Sorry the return was not so good!

Should I call Michele & tell her what just happened?

Couldn't hurt.

Should I get the D papers in order?

I would always to be prepared, but don't file yourself, unless it's what you really, really want to do. Have the information you need in order, and if you decide to talk to a lawyer to try to get the info you need from him, that's okay, but you don't have to file until you've decided enough is enough.

Should I cancel next wks' appt. W/Michele knowing he probably won't go?

I would wait and see - you might be sure he won't go, but you can't know for sure. Did he say forget it? Can't hurt to wait and see.

Should I go dark? I'm already detached except for the kids stuff!

I would say yes, definitely go dark for a bit. Must cool off!!!

Is there a point of no return & i've hit it?

Sadly, only you can make that decision, as you're the one who's committed to the M! I wish we could help you more with that!

But we'll support you no matter what you decide!

Oh, yeah - almost forgot to mention that I think it's great that you and the kids are going to have counseling together. They are certainly affected in ways that your H may not understand, and you are a great mom, so keep up the good work!!

[Kim07]

Thanks David,,I can always count on you to make me feel better!
What the hell am I gonna do when you're gone! I guess we still have the boards, yeaee!

I'm glad you're getting everything done,,good GALing & good house selling practice,,if it comes to that?? Who knows, you might want to rent just in case you come back? The house is looking nice!

Thanks for saying that i'm a good mom,,you amongst a few others are the ones who really get that part,,you just can't get that from a board ya know! So mucho thanks!

Of course, H has not called, Tm'd or e-mailed back so i'll take my xanax & chill,,go dark & not cancel my appt for next thur.,,if he shows up fine if he doesn't I will have a session by myself.

I called Michele's office & left a mess. for her,,H might be there next wk, might not b/c I blew it & reverted back to my old ways in a matter of 20mins

I have an appt w/an attorney next wk to check out all my options. Funny, the attorney that was referred to me, her office is a few blocks from H's business,,here we go! So far they said he has not contacted any of the attorneys' at that office so i'm safe! That makes 3 that I have contacted & the 2nd appt to go to!

As far as the kids go, I agree that this is affecting me & them differently than H is being affected,,my mom also said she noticed that I am needing "back-up" when it comes to disaplining the children & that I won't get it from H,,I usually don't listen to my parents anymore when it comes to advice, but she did make a good point! I will be sooo happy when that day of therapy comes,,I will feel a lot better understanding how to deal w/this mess w/my babies & to help them thru it!

Take care, keep up the good work & hope to hear from ya soon,
Kim

[MileHigh]

Hey, I said great mom! Don't be downgrading my complements!!!

I know, I'm supposed to be getting some sleep after my migraine and all the work I've been doing to the house, but I woke up after dozing a bit.

Back to it... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Kim07]

Hey, thanks,,yeah i'm cutting myself short! Mental note not to do that! Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now!! Maybe we can hook up when all is said & done w/the rock & stuff. Maybe lunch,,my treat!

I hope you get some help for those migraines,,maybe means you're working too hard??! Take it easy, go slow,,Rome wasn't built in a day!

Call me when you can, ok?!

Kim