But I am learning to grow, and learning to set (and enforce) boundaries that will serve me well if not in this marriage, then in my next relationship, and I'm learning to "fall in like" again with the man in the mirror.
Glad to hear that Choco. It's amazing what a M trauma can do in terms of personal growth. Make some lemonade out of those lemons. You are sure to be more attractive to your W if you keep going on this path. LFL
Well, first, the Bible got me through the D bomb sitch, so I've already got that!
Actually I would love NOP in my pocket as an advisor only (not coming on to you NOP)
I was really talking about his HUGE balls of steel
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thanks for the notes of encouragement; they mean a lot to me, and you all keep me going, you really do. I have great, great moments and some horribly sad ones, but the overall trend is UPWARD in terms of my personal growth as a man, as a father, and as a husband.
I have detected no contact from my W to OM since I've been back from Chicago (no text messages, no phone calls, and no running errands at odd times), but I am not so naive as to think she has cut off all contact with him. She still trains with him, for one, and she has refused three times to end the friendship, and so I have proceeded accordingly with confrontation and exposure, albeit slower than NOP probably would have liked/recommended.
Today she is at mandatory company training, and OM may be there. I cannot control that, but can only control my reactions to her continued denials and reluctance to emotionally recommit to the marriage and to our family, and those reactions have been loving but FIRM.
One of the saddest things about this past week was that the keylogger on the home computer turned up some things that I had to confront D18 about, things that a girl's mother should have to discuss with her. I felt like a single dad already. But I do think that my message got thru to her, and more importantly the godly example I've been leading lately is being noticed by her and her 20 year old sister.
I do think that she has been humiliated. That came when D18 confronted her with the rumors she'd heard, the behavior she'd witnessed (she personally witnessed her mother leaving the group at the sports pub, at same time as OM, and then not come up for another 75 minutes; hiding of text messages; secretive phone calls), and the godawful Google search topics she had found on the computer. Bravely, she confronted her mother with ALL of this, and told her how much she had hurt her.
And D20 still has yet to have HER talk with her, which will only further push my wife deeper into her own chit that she's made.
I worry about her fleeing, rather than facing the humiliation of this all, but I cannot control that. Confrontation and exposure has been the only thing that has even gotten her off the dime, and so it was necessary. I can only hope that my loving gestures and my occasional reminders of "We care for you" and my occasional (but brief) strong hugs are letting her know that there is still a warm light waiting for her to come back to here in her family.
There's a fine line between "humliation" and godly "conviction." I think God is dealing with her, thru me, and thru her daughters, and she is rebelling thus far, but starting to be broken. My sister likes to say that "God will break you before He'll fix you," and Mrs. Choc. needs to be broken. It's happening slowly.
But I also know that you have to "get real" with Him, and she has to "get real" with her husband and her daughters and her parents, and she is only sloowwwwwwly doing that. And I believe she has only "gotten real" with OM by trying to "manage" the relationship, like an alcoholic tries to manage their drinking, by saying "no sleeping together/no texting/no phone calls to my house", but still wants him to train her.
She still doesn't realize that that's not going to work, because the chemicals running around her brain from his contact are preventing her from reconnecting emotionally with her husband, and working on her marriage. "NO CONTACT" means "NO CONTACT." And so, Truman must drop the next atom bomb, which makes me very sad.
Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again Seems like I'll be wearin' the same old chains Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free And I know someday I will find the key I know somewhere I will find the key Seems like I've been playing your game way too long Seems the game I've played has made you strong When the game is over, I won't walk out the loser I know someday I'll walk out of here again And I know that someday I'll walk out of here again
Well now I'm Trapped Ooh yeah Trapped Ooh yeah Trapped
Seems like I've been sleeping in your bed too long Seems like you've been meaning to do me harm But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me Someday I'll walk out of here again Someday I'll walk out of here again
a) Wife drove with OM to a company training session yesterday, and then lied to me about it. Furthermore, his presence in her car made her unable to respond to my text message invitation to join me on her way home in picking out S14's graduation gift, so her inappropriate behavior is continuing to spoil family life as she's gone from being a bad wife to also being a bad mother.
b) Despite my boundary -- and her promise -- of "no contact" from within the walls of our home, or in front of our children, I found out that she has been making phone calls from the home phone to him for each of the past 3 days, and has called him from here more than a dozen times over the past month.
I confronted her about both of these things last nite, and she just continued to lie. It got ugly. I called her "A LIAR AND A CHEAT!" in front of the kids, which I regret, but in a calmer moment, alone, I told her that I was done with this fight, that she was no longer worth fighting FOR.
Today is a horribly sad day for me. D20 and D18, my two baby girls, move out of our house and into the world, and last night I had to tell them both that I can no longer fight for a woman who has cheated on me, continues to lie to me, and has met none of my primary needs for most of the past 20 years. I COULD, if I wanted to, but I realize that there is no longer anything in there that I love, and that woman that I fell in love with left long, long ago. Since she feels the same way about me anyway, I really don't see the point in all of this, as we're only making each other miserable, we're prolonging the kids' (and our own) agony, and we might as well get a 6-month headstart on the rest of our lives.
I wanted to let you all know. I told NOP last nite. He disagrees, saying that "all cheaters lie," and that I can't base my decision to give up the fight on those lies, and so I prayed about it and slept on it, at his encouragement. I feel no differently this morning, and what I'm realizing is that it's not just the post-OM woman that I've fallen out of love with -- it's the cold, frigid often-b#&ch that has been in my life most of the past 20 years. The main "WIFE" quality that attracted me 23 years ago was the way she felt about -- and treated -- me (talk about "fused", huh), and that's been gone for a long, LONG time. And the main "PERSON" quality that I at least continued to admire and respect was the type of mother that she was, and now she's making horrible, horrible decisions there as well.
I've tried to point all of this out to her, firmly but lovingly, for the past two weeks, and love her thru this, but not only has she not taken the FIRST little baby step to meet me somewhere in the middle, she's lied and lied and lied throughout, and pushed her entire family further away.
She's about to get what she's been wishing for.
I want to thank you all for your enouragement, and your help and advice, at a time when I had very little (or nothing) to give in return on each of your threads. I especially want to thank NOPkins, my brother, who's been there for me in ways that I did not deserve, 24/7, with either a kick in the azz or loving Christian encouragement, as the situation dictated. He's incredible, and I could not have handled my children this past week without his wise counsel, and WHATEVER "Man, I'm gonna miss that Choc." thoughts my wife may take out of this marriage will probably only come from the self-improvements that he helped me to display in front of her during this time.
I'm sorry Choco. And I don't blame you one bit. At this point, it sounds like you need to let her go and maybe it will still work out in the end. That is, if you still want it to work down the line. Who knows. So what are you going to do about the continued disrespect in your home? What does your W say? Does she want a S/D? LFL
Yes, my wife has WANTED a separation since I confronted her 3 weeks ago. We can't afford separate living arrangements, I have told her in no uncertain terms am I moving out, and she's mortified at the thought of going to her parents. (In fact, she not only doesn't want them to know about OM, she doesn't even want them to know we're having marital problems, and that bomb is going to go off tomorrow when I talk to them).
The only reason she doesn't want a divorce is how it would "look" (appearances are very big with this woman), to her parents, to our kids. She wants to go thru the charade of counseling (D18 overheard her telling her brother that she was only doing it for appearances), and save divorce for when the boys are bigger.
She will no longer call that shot.
I don't know what I can do about the boundaries. She obviously doesn't care what her family thinks of her. All I can do is push for my staying here, with our boys, and trying to push her the hell out.
Ugh. Well, then is sounds like one of the best things you can do is destroy the "appearances." I'm sure Nop is guiding you there. Who the heck cares what other people think about your M? It is between the two of you. I've been there Choco. Lots of people like to make comments either in front or behind your back about the "scandal" in this and that M. F-em! Do what is right for your M and for you. Sounds like your W needs to get over that "appearances" hurdle for sure. What man with any self-respect is going to live in a house with a cheating W "til the boy's are older" just for appearances?! She's lost her marbles. Keep going Choco. You know that right things to do. We'll be cheering for you. LFL
But I do think that my message got thru to her, and more importantly the godly example I've been leading lately is being noticed by her and her 20 year old sister.