Nikki, I have a similar issue here. H is home and being VERY NICE to me and really trying to change. But there is still that CONTACT with OW (mine is phone/online now which he claims will end soon). Actually my biggest complain is him keeping it secret. I know he is contacting her but I already told him I would rather him let me know and show me his progress towards lessening the contact, than hiding it from me. But he won't be open about it. I have the same mental wavering as you. For now, I am giving him time, except for my occasional explosion in front of him (which is definitely BAD) In order to change that, I am trying to go out more by myself now to see friends. sorry no advice here just to empathesize. Take care. Hope you can decide or "decide not to decide for now".
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Nikki - My first instinct is to just say wait a little more (BUT be sure you''re using effective contraception in the meantime!!!). It's not uncommon for a returned spouse to still have a little sputtering contact with the OP for a while - whether they're hedging their bets, or just trying to "let them down easy", or whatever. For some it's like kicking a drug habit.
I'd give it another month - see what happens then. I wouldn't say anything to him about it now, only because you still want to know if it's happening, and if you tip him off, he might just hide it better. Over the next month the calls should start to dwindle down.
Everything else in your sitch sounds so good, I doubt this is anything more. You definitely should be setting the boundary of no contact, and it is a little worrisome that your H doesn't get that, but it's a little early to tell if he's just a sneak or if he's just doing that fairly typical "long goodbye".
My H had a couple of phone contacts with the OW after we reconciled, took him 2 months before he finally had a definitive "do not call me" talk with her. It was easier in my case because she was out of town. Must be harder with them working together.
So, you are saying that right now you are accepting H's contact with PW and his lying about it for your own reasons. That is fine. Ellie's suggestion of putting a time limit on that is a great one, you can reassess in a month. In the meantime, quit obsessing about it and feeling like a victim. You have CHOSEN to accept that behavior in H for your own reasons, so you also need to accept the consequences of that right now.
Nikki, I know that it is a bit different when you get to piecing, but snooping can't ever be good. Will confronting H with this information bring you closer to your goals? I think probably not. Maybe rather use this opportunity to "take the pulse" of the R and reiterate your feelings and needs? Just an idea, reread the sections of DR (or maybe talk to a coach?) for other ones and discuss them here!
I know what you mean about LRT being easier than piecing. At least I know in my sitch that pushing W concerning whatever type of EA she is having will bring nothing to our R. I just have to accept that she is going through a MLC and that it will be a tough period for a while. Nevertheless, I would give anything to be where you are.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
You know I've already been in your shoes. I know what you are feeling though. When people say what good is snooping, well, your thinking, if 99% of the time he's acting the "right" way, and we never knew about the 1% he's still contact the OW, then how do we ever really know? How do we know it ever really ends? They say, you will know by their actions, not by their words, but your H IS acting as an H now.
I know it really sucks that he's hiding this now. I know that's what my H did. Once in a great great while I wonder if my H still is, but that's hardly ever. And like someone said, you don't want him to keep getting "caught" because he will just get better at hiding it.
I remember reading something about a parent finding out their kid was doing drugs, then the kid was hiding it, then the parents snooping and confronting, then the kid being even more sneaky. so basically the kid was learning how to be clever because the parents were snooping. So, I'm not really sure what should be done instead. maybe just focusing on the positive with them and giving a decided time to reevaluate and discuss if needed.
I think giving it a month is a good idea, and take what OT said too about taking the consequences with it. I think GALing is a very appropriate decision.
The only thing we have to be cautious of is not jumping to conclusions. He definitely shouldn't be contacting her, but we really don't know why. hey, and you got this far, you can definitely go a month!
about the fish..I'm not sure how fast goldfish grow, so your okay for a little bit. On the fin rot, one of mine had that too, but I never used chemicals. I try to avoid it if I can, and I haven't used any yet. Having the biowheel is a good filter, it actually helps the tank cycle faster. Have you gotten a test kit? it can be helpful. Then you don't have to take your water to the store to have them check it. The strip tests are ok but they are not as accurate as the test tubes. The most important is the Ammonia,Nitrites, Nitrates. The first two should read zero, and the last never over 40. Ph test is also good to have. Depending on your water, whether it is hard or soft can change the Ph. Don't get too attached to the fish though. They don't live quite as long/well as dogs/cats. So many things can happen in a tank that can cause them to die. Stress, disease, agression from other fish, tank water..etc. Sounds like your doing a good job though.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Since I have no personal experience on this one, I'll just keep my mouth shut (I also just received D.R., and am going to begin reading it tonight, so maybe I'll have more professional knowledge bestowed upon me later). However, I agree with the wait a month and reassess tactic and GALing in the meantime -- the reasoning for this sounds sound.
Hope everything goes as well as possible for you -- it does sound like all else is very positive!
And, for the record -- I don't know diddly about fish!
I am guessing this will lock soon, so here's a link to my new thread (#16).
I'll reply to everyone over there.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
