Still the proud owner of 3 goldfish - yay! They look really happy and healthy so far. H commented last night that he can't believe how playful they are - I agree, they are a lot of fun to watch. I sure hope they make it, I'm starting to get to "know" them (they actually have different "personalities" - it surprised me!).
Awww oldtimer that's sweet about your baby, hope you got back to him/her soon!!
Things are moving along well M wise. It's Thursday and no snarky comments from H, so that's good. Of course now I am paranoid that he's going to go to happy hour tonight... bleh.. but we'll see what happens.
I'm sure this is normal but the more relaxed/comfortable we get the more my anxiety increases - fear of another bomb, H seems happy but is he really, etc. He's only been home what, under 2 months, though?? So I'm sure this will fade over time.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
That's cool about your new fish tank. We got one a little over a year ago but it's 46Gal. Looks like you did some research, so that is good. I hate when fish stores don't tell knew owners what to do. AND the fact that they will sell fish together that really shouldn't go together and in a tank that is way too small. The thing with having a smaller tank for a fish that grows too big, is that at some point it will stunt their growth. But that is a great idea about the barrel thing, since your in an area where the climate doesn't change drastically like here in OK.
I know what you mean about being nervous if you'll have another bomb thrown at you, etc. yes it will go away in time. I never think about it now. The longer he is with you, the more time he is showing you by his actions that he will stay. If it really starts to bother you, you may think about talking with him and just sharing him your concerns, that you know he's doing everything to assure you that there won't be another bomb, but your still scared sometimes and it might reflect on your actions towards him and you appologize for that. Maybe think about what he could be doing to make you feel more secure? Would attending some kind of marriage session help? although most guys I think wouldn't go for it, well my H anyways. Or maybe in a month you won't even have these feelings.
You just don't want to start "acting" insecure with your H, thus my comment about mentioning the problem to H if it gets bad.
glad to hear from you, Hope you had a wonderful Thursday!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I think S.T. makes a great point here so I'll just second that motion! Even if you're feeling a little worried, insecure, etc., that things might go south and that same old stuff will rear its ugly head, don't let it be reflected in your actions with him. I think the advice on how to approach him with this concern that S.T. gave you is great -- I would follow that recipe myself if I was in your shoes and my worry was beginning to get the best of me.
It sounds like things are going pretty well for you, though -- keep doing for you as well as for your H & M -- keep us posted on the things and for insight and opinions if/when needed!
ST I'll go ahead and reply over here about the fish tank since you mentioned it in your thread. Thanks for the help offer!! As you saw I kinda did things in the wrong order in terms of getting the fish before I had a good "home" for them (bad enough when fish stores do it, but you get even fewer care instructions at the fair. I'm surprised they still give out fish actually.. but that's a whole other topic). I know it's really risky having them in there before properly cycling the tank, but I'm fairly sure they'd have died by now in their original "tank." They still look great, really healthy. In fact one of them had what looked like a bite from another fish on its side, and it's even healing! I got them an air pump and "wand" yesterday to help with the oxygen levels - they seem to love it! Yeah I had read that about stunting their growth, too. I figure if they get to a point where they aren't growing or look like they're struggling it'll be time to set them up with a pond. It does get pretty hot here in summer though, I'll have to see if they're OK outside with the heat.
I was thinking about getting a couple of ghost shrimp in a few weeks if the goldfish are still doing ok. It seems to be the only non-goldfish "companion" you can put in with them. Any thoughts on those?? Or am I nuts trying to put more critters in a 10 gallon tank?
ST and Nick Thanks for your points about addressing this with H. I agree, I need to do that. I want to make sure we're both being more open and honest with our feelings, so I think talking about this would be good. I don't even need a lot to reassure me, just some type of commitment that we'll talk about stuff BEFORE it gets to that point. I do think he would go back to MC if I asked. I had kind of hoped he would bring it up and was giving it time (trying not to "rush" him), but he really liked her. Our last session was to discuss separation details and we left it that we'd come back either at 6 months to "re-evaluate" where we were, or sooner if H decided he wanted to work on our M. So asking him to go wouldn't be totally out of the blue, at least.
EXCELLENT point about starting to act insecure, and know what? Now that you say that, I have been doing that a bit. I've been more tempted to snoop, more of a pest about where he's been, who with, what he did... I need to cut that out.
H has another race tomorrow and get to try out our in-car video set up for the first time. Should be a lot of fun!! If I can figure out how maybe I'll even post the video on Myspace (talk about high tech huh??).
Hope everyone's having a good Friday and a great weekend ahead!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
ooh, that would be really cool (the racing video) definitely do that! What does he race anyways? it's probably not drag racing though right? I have a neighbor who has a hundred trophies in his garage from when he used to race. He's got a 6 car garage now that he works on peoples cars in. It's great having a neighbor that can work on your car! And sometimes he just charges us a case of beer!
That's good that you are seeing the snooping, questioning stuff. That's a pretty good sign that we are insecure!
on the fish, you have 3 goldfish? a general rule of thumb, more for starters is 1 inch of fish per gallon. And that means the max size of the fish. But since your planning on transfering them when they start getting too big, it should be okay. How big are they now? Adding the ghost shrimp should be okay, they mostly crawl around on the bottom or sides or hide. I really don't know anything about goldfish, except they are dirty, so you'll probably need to change the water more frequently, especially since there isn't a filter.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
ST - oh my gosh, your neighbor has H's dream garage. He wants to buy the property behind us, tear down the house, and put in a 6-car garage. And sometimes he only charges people a case of beer. Funny. He has done all kinds of racing and currently owns both a drag-race and a road-race car. The racing tomorrow is road race - much more exciting video than drag racing, for sure. It's at a track that's off in some hilly farmland. Last time I went with him we came up over one hill and saw a bunch of cows eating in a field! Cracked me up (in between gasping for breath from the speed!).
Yep, I have 3 goldfish. They're currently about 2" apiece so that's what, roughly 6 gallons of tank? So I'm hoping they're ok in 10 gallons for awhile. I got a really good filter (BioWheel - at least, seems good from what I've read) and plan to change 20% of the water weekly until they get settled. Does that sound like I'm on the right track?? Good to know about the ghost shrimp, thanks! I heard they help keep the gravel clean so that's why I liked the idea.
I noticed tonight that one of them has fin rot so was a little bummed about that - it's VERY mild, just gotta figure out how to help him/her out before it gets worse. I put in some "Quick Cure" tonight, but any other suggestions? I got mixed advice online about isolating that fish vs. not... most seemed to say the stress from another move would kill it and I could probably cure it without the other fish getting sick, so I left it in the tank for now. It looks happy enough but there's some damage to its tail.
So some journaling... weird night...
I caved on the snooping this afternoon and found out that H has been calling OW again - usually 1 call just about after lunch time and one right after work. They are all short calls, but something about the pattern, I can't help wondering what they're about. What's the point? I mean they work right next to each other... is it "bye" from work? Is it "meet you at XYZ"??? I dunno. Oh and he's deleting it off his phone. I can see it online but not on the phone's call log. Bleh. When I was detaching and in LRT it was easier - just ignore it right? But now, I'm kind of lost. He's not only doing it, he's hiding it. It's so weird because I do feel he's pretty commited to being here but what the heck?? I am just confused.
He came home tonight and was SO excited about racing, practically bouncing off the walls.. sooo I should have said something but all of a sudden I just didn't feel OK about going "Oh BTW I snooped and know you're still contacting OW." I know I was grouchy and distant and I know that's why though. I did my own thing for awhile and then he wanted to go shopping together for "racing snacks" (intead of the $4 apiece waters at the track!) - so we did that and also went out to grab dinner. H mentioned that his sister had called and plans to drop the bomb on her H this Sunday. He told me "It's pretty bad, she said she wouldn't even hang out with him as a friend at this point, but she's upset because she ends up feeling like the bad guy." I did a LOT of listening and validating.
Later in the convo H said "I should have talked her out of it before she even married him" and "Heck I waited until my 30s to get married and..." and just trailed off. Yuck... does he mean "and now look, I'm trapped with you." (I know, I know, I'm projecting...). During this I asked once "Does he even know she's unhappy?" and H said "How could he NOT?" - thought that was interesting. I said quietly "Well, it's possible he doesn't.. hope that she can find what she needs to be happy though." He also commented that she's only 25 and a "pup" and that she has a chance (again, my projecting, I was thinking "oh but you don't..."). He also said during the convo "Life's tough, that's for sure." I asked him what he meant and he said "Well isn't it?"
On the positive side, he gave me a really funny grin one time and I asked "What're you thinking? What was that for?" (kidding tone) and he said "Well you, of course. I looked at you and smiled."
This piecing stuff is confusing!!
I have decided to focus more on GALing again and less on scheduling with/around H.. not sure what more I need to do, though. Thoughts are welcome as always!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
H is contacting PW and lying to you about it. What part of that is OK? You set the boundaries of how you will be treated in your M.
"I have decided to focus more on GALing again and less on scheduling with/around H.. not sure what more I need to do, though. Thoughts are welcome as always!"
This seems like a good idea. Perhaps you can go out with your singles group again. I'm not sure why you should be more into the R than H is at this point, it isn't particularly good for you or the M.
Oldtimer... I know, I'm just so confused. Because 99.9% of the time things are SO good. It's like he's REALLY in the R MOST of the time, but that tiny bit where he isn't is just SO wrong. There's nothing OK about contacting PW (and especially lying about it), but it's 2 minutes out of every 24 hours. The rest of the time, he's being very loving, caring, devoted to "us" and I even see him actively fixing things that he needed to. Ugh. THAT is what has me confused.
All day today it was about thanks for coming with me, thanks for being here, excited that I came along racing. Side note... due to various issues we only managed to tape 1 of 4 races, but it turned out quite cool!! I need to figure out how to post it... the file's nearly 1 GB.
So anyway, my question becomes... how far do I go? I have mentally wavered between "just drop it and give him time" to "move 3 states away and start over." It's been THAT dramatic in my head. And of course at this point H has no idea I've seen evidence of all the PW contact. Do I leave a note and the phone bill on the counter? I just don't know.
Think tomorrow I will focus on fixing up my fishie (hope I can cure this fin rot, it's gotten worse today). And spend some time in the afternoon figuring out what I want to do next. I'm out of town for work Mon-Weds - kinda glad for the forced time to think.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
