Then she went outside and did the same thing. I commented to H that she was kind of restless, and he said "Not really restless, she doesn't like how she's feeling and she's trying to get away from it. She hasn't figured out yet that it's her, not where she is."
I thought wow! real insightful , I will carry on reading
Oh and I know this is late but you get a standing ovation from me for the blowout thread , that boundary needed to be set or you were not going to progress.
Thanks Dave!! Yeah my H's comment about the dog was pretty funny but you're right, really insightful! He does that a lot, talks "through" other things. He'll make these profound comments about the strangest things, like commercials or song lyrics or whatever (a new thing, he never used to do this).
I think I overdid the blowout, for sure, but thank you - I DO agree it needed to be said and at least now there's no doubt eh?
A little journaling...
So the rest of today went great!! My H called this afternoon, totally unexpected. He was out sailing with his dad, and his dad decided to take a nap (yes they were docked) so H called me just to say hi. Wow... that was so cool. I know it sounds small but I honestly can't remember the last time he called me just to chit-chat cause he was bored and calling me was the first thing he thought of. He was telling me all about their day and what was going on around him on the island they were docked at. Oh and it was kind of funny - I had gone sailing with them last year (pre-bomb) in the San Francisco bay and was competely terrified. I thought H's dad knew how to sail but he didn't very well, and this is NOT good "practice" water. It became almost a joke because I was so scared. My arms were sore for days from hanging on to the side of the boat so hard and I even started crying at one point (I seriously thought our boat was going to flip and wasn't confident we could get back out before hypothermia set in).
The whole time H kept saying "But this is FUN, it's an ADVENTURE..." At the time I didn't see it but in hindsight he was saying/thinking "she so boring, she won't do anything fun or adventurous, she's too scared of living life..." (there were MANY instances like this, of course all in hindsight). I have gotten a lot more courageous since then, a 180... and it was funny because I told H the other day "Hey at least without 'wimp girl' along you guys can do whatever you want... although I'm not so wimpy anymore." H agreed I'm much braver now, but looked forward to trying new stuff on the boat without worrying about me. When we talked today he was so disappointed "I don't know what happened to my dad, he won't try anything fun, it sucks!" I thought that was pretty funny. I said "Well next time if I go, I'll get you guys to show off your sailing skills to try and impress me and maybe we can do some crazy sailing again."
This afternoon went to my dad's and much to my surprise, he decided to go play mini-golf with me and my sis! I had suggested it earlier in the day but he was coming up with 101 reasons not to go... so I got there and he said we should go, and I was really happy. For those not familiar with my whole sitch... my dad suffers from really severe depression (brain chemistry related, has had an awful time with it all his life). To top it off my stepmom became the WAS in February and my dad has been pretty devestated. From day 1 he's really been a wreck and the DB concepts just aren't sinking in for him, or he refuses to try them.. basically every time I see him I watch him force my stepmom further away, while also wallowing big time.
So, it was really exciting that he wanted to go and even more exciting that he had FUN with it. We all did - and I think my sis appreciated us doing something. Usually it's my dad and I having these really serious talks while she's bored to death (she's 10 and very active so sitting around talking's just NOT her thing). When we got back dad cooked ribs, potatoes, and artichokes for dinner. Last time I was there for dinner he nearly burst into tears because he couldn't figure out how to boil water to make spaghetti noodles, so this was a pretty big accomplishment. He even had me go play w/my sis while he cooked rather than help him, another surprise. There was some awkwardness for sure, especially because my dad just seems to constantly kind of pine for my stepmom (putting my poor sis in a really weird position), but it was a huge improvement from the last few times I've seen/talked to him.
So yay... very excited for a great Sunday! Hope everyone else had a good one, as well.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I know that she wrote that OT. But we also need to know what the underlying problem is. We can have a "cancer" in us, that shows itself in symptoms, but until we eliminate the cancer, we will never be free of the symptoms.
It is also important for us not to jump to conclusions immediately, and not to let out our feelings immediately. We could be totally wrong about something, and when we first discover a problem, or have an initial problem, we are usually very angry or emotional at first. It is best to take time to calm down. Even minutes, or perhaps hours, to refocus and decide why we are really mad, is it worth fighting for, is it important to us to resolve, and then resolve it in a reasonable way. Most of the time, when we do things immediately, we are irrational, so it is best to take a little time to breathe, and reflect.
It is NOT okay to dwell, so a problem should not fester in our minds. There is an area of time that we should know for ourselves when it is best to address an issue. When, I believe, is the most important.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
That is wonderful about your Dad Nikki!!!! Did you give him lots of praise!?! I'm sure you did.
Also cool that H called you during the sailing trip. Ya, it shocks me too when h calls out of the blue. Makes you feel like they really want to spend time with you.
I know my H probably thought I was boring too. It's just from us loosing confidence in ourselves. We lose our identity, and we become scared about stuff, insecure and all that. We must NEVER EVER let ourselves become insecure again!!!!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Very, very cool about your H calling, especially just to say "hi" when this was never his style. Just goes to show that he is really thinking about you on his free time and is giving a sincere effort. Do you still keep your distance for the most part and let him initiate contact in and outside the house, or is getting more comfortable and mutual?
Awesome about your dad, too! I'm sorry that he's not doing well with depression, the WAS, and the fact that he's not DBing very well (or trying, perhaps). Actually, the mini-golf and dinner sitch sounded like a little bit of GAL for him to me!
Have a great Memorial Day (hopefully you're not working)!
ST Agree with both you and Oldtimer on the addressing things.. I'm still learning how to figure out which ones really bother me and which ones kind of do. Hopefully this week will go better - if I get snippy comments from H again this week I'll definitely address it, but I'm kind of glad I let it go last week to give him a little time to deal with the whole issue in his mind. I'm honestly not dwelling on it - only mentioning it here again to respond to your comments on it.
And yes - gave my dad lots of praise!! He seemed really proud. I also sent him an email later complimenting him again on the dinner and on how he seems to be slowing down and enjoying the moment sometimes, he thanked me for noticing that.
Agree on the insecurity! It's weird, I used to be pretty daring and I was slowly getting more and more cautious - some of it in response to breaking my leg, I'm sure, but I was constantly worrying and rarely having fun. Not a good way to be!
Nick Yeah it was very cool that he called. Hmmm I'd say the contact is more mutual now. Inside the house for sure - outside I leave it to H a bit more, but I'm comfortable calling him or initiating things too.
---------- Some journaling...
Sorry I haven't been on much to check in (either here or on others' threads). I've been thinking about everyone as always and hoping that things are going in a positive direction!
I am doing pretty well. Monday afternoon H and I went to our local county fair. We were attempting to go see his cousin's pig - she raised one for 4H. We thought it was there all weekend but apparently the auction was on Saturday so we missed it (although might be a good thing, I guess his cousin was pretty upset!).
I always like the state fair but it's kind of chaotic, so this county one was pretty neat. Same fairgrounds but it's MUCH smaller - you can talk to the animal owners, artists who have exhibits there, etc. I got to watch part of the horse show and also pet a bunch of the horses so had fun w/that. Also got bit by a calf but it was kind of cute - I was petting it and it apparently got hungry. It was licking me, and I turned my head to look at something and next thing I knew it was trying to use my hand as an udder. Ouch!! It was funny though and didn't hurt TOO bad.
We wandered around, watched a hypnosis show, looked at exhibits, played a few games, had some nice greasy food.. . Lots of fun.
Oh and it led to some unintentional GALing... on a total whim I played one of those "win a goldfish" games. I ended up winning 3 goldfish and a tiny little fish tank (I shouldn't even call it a tank, it's one of those plastic things they sell for kids to collect bugs in, I think). Hey it seemed like a good idea at the time. When we got home I fed them and put in a little air pump knowing they probably needed more oxygen, but by Tuesday morning the tank was disgusting and the poor fish didn't look too good. I'm such an animal lover, even these little goldfish suffering really bothered me - sooo I read up on what they need, and last night off to the pet store I went. They are now in a nice 10 gallon tank with a filter, light, etc. They are some very happy fishies! Tonight's GALing needs to be listing some stuff on eBay to pay for my OTHER GALing I think!
Anyway I've always wanted an aquarium, so this was kind of a cool excuse to finally do it. I read a lot on how to care for them - I had no idea, apparently these things can get to be a foot long and it's common for them to live 15-20 years!! Goldfish?? Who knew! Apparently they also need a LOT more room as they grow (more like 10 gallons minimum per fish), so this will only be a temporary home. If they survive, I plan to make them an outdoor pond in a whiskey barrel when they outgrow the fish tank (another thing I've wanted to do but keep putting off), then get some other smaller fish for the aquarium. I guess there aren't many fish you can put in with the goldfish - the goldfish need too much room and they're also too aggressive, so they kinda need their own tank. I was very proud of myself for getting it all set up on my own. H came home and was pretty shocked I think. He knew I was getting them a tank but he was surprised how big it is and how I got it all set up myself, so that was a cool bonus. Hopefully they make it.. you're supposed to let the tank run fish-less for a few days to get the water balance right and stuff, but I didn't think they'd survive the little tank for that long, so I did the best I could getting the water right and went for it. They look much better today so fingers are crossed!
Last edited by NikkiB; 05/30/0703:17 PM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
"I'm still learning how to figure out which ones really bother me and which ones kind of do. Hopefully this week will go better - if I get snippy comments from H again this week I'll definitely address it, but I'm kind of glad I let it go last week to give him a little time to deal with the whole issue in his mind."
This is so great. You are owning your stuff so well, your choices, their consequences. No victim-speak to see there!!!
:-D
Your calf trying to nurse story made me miss my baby, who is at the babysitter so I can work, so gotta go.
