Even though I think what happened the other night..the "blowup", I know this is why he is treating you this way. Not saying this is your fault at all though, but I think he is trying to make you feel guilty or something. That, fine, have it your way attitude. This is what I didn't want my H to have. That's why I gave him what my perfect scenerio was, and that in my mind, the A wasn't over as long as they had contact.
Then, I gave him time to stop. I know, with your sitch, it's definitely harder. And if you never said anything, then he could have taken advantage of the sitch because she works with him and is everywhere.
But when it comes to men, THEY want to make their own decision, not have us make it for them. This is something I learned in "For Women Only". Men really ARE like children.
But I also see OT's point of view too.
Overall, I think you are handling things very well.
oh, and like ourcrisis said. If and when H does the right things, make him be glad he chose well.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Good advice here. IMHO, part of what we all have learned thru this process is the importance of communication or our true feelings and disappointments. So I really feel you wouldn't be out of line to follow OT's advice to let your H know how his words make you FEEL. Keep it at a level of feeling and make it be about you. You know what to do, you're doing a great job. Keep it up!!
Nikki, I think the "blow up" can be a good thing. As far as not "letting" him go out, not the case at all. He made the decision not to go. You are doing a great job letting things slide off your back and taking issue with the real things. Keep it up. btw, I am excited to get the new horse camping. I am hoping she is the perfect lady for beginners like I have pegged. She listens to voice commands, so I can give assistance to others who are mounted on her. Wanna ride?:)
Ourcrisis That's a very good point on how I can respond to H's words/actions but ignoring the tone. Thank you!!! I hadn't thought of that and I think that's a great idea. I know I was responding to his tone by kind of "shutting down" a bit and that's a pattern I need to break in myself.
ST Oh I completely agree that he's likely responding to the way I addressed everything the other night. I do take some of the blame/fault for the way I went over board the other day. Also agree it's kind of tough in my sitch because he CAN'T just cut off all contact period. That would be so much more clear cut.
In hindsight I probably should have had this talk before he even moved home - that way deciding to come home and deciding to cut off contact w/her would have been more on his terms or timeline. I couldn't deal with their Thurday night "dates" (what it feels like to me, I know he defines it very differently). When he wasn't here I was able to just move on with my own life and not care much what he was doing, but when he got home it REALLY bothered me. Ah well... if only we could all rewind our sitches right??
Julie Thank you very much! Definitely agreed, communication is a key thing for all of us to learn.
Cliffy True - he did make the decision. I think I forced it way too much, but he DID choose. He could have gone out and knowingly hurt me further and he didn't. That's a pretty big deal.
Have fun camping!!! (and stop tormenting me !) Your new horse sounds wonderful though - hope she turns out to be a good "camper" too!
zuzu Pretty well, thanks! It wasn't great.. H was kind of moody and weird all night. When he got home I asked if I could take him out to dinner and he said no, he wanted to eat leftovers, so I just kind of gave him more space again. After reading here, next time I think I'll emphasize more thanking him for coming home, giving him the kudos for making the choice (regardless of his mood). I finished up our costumes for the party this weekend while H did stuff out in the garage. We did go for ice cream before bed though, that was kinda fun. Something we used to do quite a bit in the summer.
Had a bunch of yucky nightmares last night, most of them involving me doing very violent things to OW/PW - that was very weird. I really can't figure out why she's popping up in my mind so much lately and I'm finding myself so angry. Playing psychologist for a moment my guess is that I'm "projecting" some anger on to her that belongs elsewhere. Kind of like blaming her for the M issues when it was really just a symptom... but I'm not sure why now, why so intense etc. Will have to do some reading this weekend and see if I find anything in DR or the "Not just friends" book, and some self-reflection after that.
Must say it was very nice to have H here to wake me up when I started to really freak out. It happened a number of times while he was gone and man, some of those nightmares got really awful when they were allowed to "play out" instead of me waking up.
Aside from that, though, looks like it's going to be a beautiful weekend, we have a fun party to go to, have some plans apart from each other on Sunday (remembering to keep on GALing separately too). So I'm looking forward to it. Hope everyone has a good Friday and a fun holiday weekend!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
That sucks that you had the nightmare. At least their fewer and farer between right?
Hey, I think this is totally natural for you to have this anger and hate toward OW. And although I believe we shouldn't have this for anyone, even our enemies, but I totally understand. Now that H is back and saying he is back, it allows us to let our anger out that we had been holding back.
And for what this woman has done? Oh my gosh. She is a M breaker. There's really no reason NOT to be angry at her. Although H did make the choices he did, but I know that she pushed and persuaded her very utmost best, and we KNOW she has no respect for Marriage.
I think the more trust you build with H, the less anger you will feel. It's just going to take some time.
In my O, it may not always be wise to let your anger out to your H, or to tell him how you feel, because some of what you feel is just a symptom and not realy true to you. Does that make sense? I guess what I'm saying, is figure out what is really true to you, and if it does need to be addressed.
Like, before the bomb, I would get irritated by little things my H would do. But that was a symptom due to other things. Now, those same things don't bother me at all.
Not saying you shouldn't be bothered by OW...you DEFINITELY SHOULD!
I think your doing good though. Hope you have a great weekend!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Nikki wrote this on 5/21: "I guess I didn't learn my lesson last time. I thought I was giving myself a mental "break" from the issue by not bringing it up but really, I was letting it build to the point of exploding, which it did last night. Reminder to self: address things when they happen, don't let it fester!!"
JDK Thanks for asking! No racing this weekend. H only races about once a month, and our friend who races almost every Saturday has this week off. Next weekend H races again though, I think (gotta check the calendar).
ST Yes thankfully they are MUCH fewer and farther between. Actually it's weird, about a month into the separation up until the last week or so the nightmares had pretty much stopped - not sure why they're back now. Maybe timing... I know things started "heating up" with the OW/PW in late May last year. We're starting to come up on a lot of "anniversaries" of painful things and maybe it's bothering me more than I thought it would. Or like you said, maybe now that the worst of the H "crisis" is over, I'm finally letting the anger come through. Dunno. I agree, the more the trust comes back the more the anger will most likely fade.
This really hit home to me:
Quote:
In my O, it may not always be wise to let your anger out to your H, or to tell him how you feel, because some of what you feel is just a symptom and not realy true to you.
Yep makes complete sense, and I struggle with it a lot.
Oldtimer/ST ... and a continuiation of the above.. that's why I hesitated on bringing up the OW/PW thing again. I don't want to keep throwing it in his face all the time. I felt like after my big blow-up, I had said what I needed to say, and it was only fair to give him some time to process and react. I just didn't feel right bringing it up again so soon when he was kind of grumpy those couple of days. Thinking about it from his perspective I felt like it could come off as "Oh great so I do what you want me to do, and now I get bitched at for not doing it the right way.." If it happens again THIS week I will address it, but I felt ok about letting him slide being grumpy a few days (kind of the "he's teething" theory)... does that make sense??
I'll get the balance right one of these days.
-------------------- As for this weekend, just some journaling... has been a good weekend so far.
Friday night was the "Pimp and Ho" party and it was actually pretty fun. Kind of obnoxious theme but what the heck - might's well get into it if you're going to something that outrageous right?? Thursday night I helped H pick out a costume and get it all put together, and I finished mine up too. They turned out pretty good! Both fun costumes. It was pretty funny driving over to the party and watching people very carefully "not" look at us (but keep glancing over out of the corner of their eyes) the whole time, so we had fun with that. Party itself was ok.. I dunno, I really like all these people individually but never have that much fun with them as a group, for some reason. They're all really young and a pretty tight-knit group so I think I just don't really "click" with them that well (H doesn't really seem to either, but he does better just 'hanging out' in that kind of situation than I do). But in good news the OW wasn't there and never even came up, so yay for that!
Saturday I learned how to post a photo album to Myspace so I did that with the party pics - I feel so young and hip now... . H is all impressed too, "Wow we have a myspace?? All the kids at work have a myspace..." Kind of funny. I've had a page for a long time mostly so I could look up other people, but now I even have stuff on mine. How exciting..hehe. If anyone else is on there too I have a link to it in my profile here now. It's not very extensive but hey, it's something.. .
H and I also worked on a setup for his racecar so that we can use my digital camera to take movies from the dash (it's more complex than you'd think..). We've always kinda been a good team - he does the mechanical/hands on stuff (i.e. welding the camera mounting plate) and I do the tech/computer stuff (getting the movie to work on the PC) so we had a lot of fun with that.
Today catching up on chores, and I'm going over to BBQ with my dad and sis tonight. My dad's not doing well at all with his sitch so I hope we can have a break from it. He tends to dwell and be really negative so it's gonna take all the PMA I can muster to get him out of that. My poor sis gets bored to death because my dad just wants to sit and mope, so I'm hoping I can get us to do something fun. Dad already shot down a number of ideas so dunno... we'll see.
H went sailing with his dad today and they're spending the night on the boat. I was invited but decided not to go. It kinda seemed like an "obligatory" invite rather than a "really want you to go" invite - I actually asked H directly which it was and he was kinda vague, but I kinda took it to mean he'd rather have some time alone w/his dad. I also noticed he called his dad several times with me in the room to confirm, discuss details, etc. Kind of indirectly reassuring me that he really was going where he said he would, I think. I notice he does this a lot now if he has plans that I'm not going to - he calls to talk about it when I'm in the room (something he never did before).
I told him this morning "I'm getting spoiled having you here, I'll miss sleeping with you tonight!" and he very sweetly said "I know, me too - don't let the dog steal my spot." Thought that was cute.
I need to get back to planning some more GAL stuff I think, way too much free time this weekend, but all in all I'm realy happy with how things are going.
Hope everyone else is having a good holiday weekend!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Let us know.
. H is all impressed too, "Wow we have a myspace?? All the kids at work have a myspace..." Kind of funny. I've had a page for a long time mostly so I could look up other people, but now I even have stuff on mine. How exciting..hehe. If anyone else is on there too I have a link to it in my profile here now. It's not very extensive but hey, it's something..