OH yeah we're still a work in progress, but we are a much improved work in progress
My H has whore/madonna syndrome/comples (whatever you wanna call it). So for him being sexual with me is a very difficult thing to do. He likes sex, he enjoys sex etc....but it's hard for him to look at me sexually. We've made some great progress (like the physical displays of affection etc), but there are still things that backslide every now and then that I have to step up and address (because he won't and I know that) before they start to fester.
I know that I will likely never have the sex life I once thought I would have, but it's greatly improved over where it was three years ago too. My perception of what I thought marriage should be has changed, as well as my perception of how I thought my H should be within my marriage. This isn't a bad thing though because now we each accept each other for who we are and how we are and because of this...we are a happier couple.
I remember that Heywyre and her h were dealing with the w/m complex. I thought you were, too; but wasn't sure. I had never heard of it before reading the posts from the two of you. That wouldn't be what I am dealing with would it? My h's only problem with sex is from when we were in therapy and I told him I was bored, he gave up instead of trying to do better. He felt like I was impossible to please. He's finding out different lately. Is the difficulty being affectionate possibly w/m or just a lack of knowhow?
No, I really don't think you are dealing with W/M, I think your H's difficulty with affection is trust related and it's just going to take time and continued validation from you. I also think that there are probably some things you will find that he just really doesn't like to do, that you would like...so you may have to find some substitutions (like with french kissing). One of the most difficult things I've had to do was change my perception of what I thought I wanted...to what I really needed to fit my needs.
I once thought I needed my H to make mad passionate love to me, I've found that was a want, not a need. What I really needed was to somehow feel connected to him, to feel special to him...I've since found other things that make me feel that way, such as the displays of affection (that BTW I agree to recognize as efforts on his part)...or him opening up and telling me how he feels about me and our son.
I've also learned that in his own ways...he always has been showing me that I'm special to him...but I didn't see it before. I learned his version of "cuddling" wasn't my version...so I've altered my catalog of "affection" to include his version and recognize it when he does it (which btw is sitting on the couch playing with my feet & legs LOL that for him is a version of cuddling/quality time). Stuff like that.
I would like it if my h did something other than just sit next to me on the couch. It is nice that he sits with me, but I would also like some kind of touching. I need to do something to get his attention off flipping the channels. Recently, I tried taking a shower early and coming back downstairs with nothing on under my robe. I sat next to him and let my robe fall open. He never noticed. Maybe if I fed a snack to him.
Oh, I've done the robe thing to no avail myself...that hurts doesn't it? I've found that I have had to STOP doing stuff like that with expectations attached to it. When you went out there in nothing but a robe, you HOPED he'd take notice and take action (in some way)...with his past track record did you really think he would? I know when I did that, I set myself up for disappointment...I actually did it to myself.
Mind if I ask what happens when you take charge and have your way with him? My H isn't used to that in a woman and the times I've done that with him, it really gets his attention.
When h gave up, I read SSM and realized that I needed to initiate sex even though I wasn't getting the affection I wanted. I also did something a few months ago that h was impressed with. See my post #1021278 .
He loves it when I am more aggressive and I have been lately. So much so that I am hoping he will become a little more aggressive, too. That is why I am so glad that he initiated this weekend.
I am thinking about giving this note to my h in his lunch tomorrow:
Quote:
I just want to let you know again how much I appreciate all the little things you do. It is great that we haven't been arguing or yelling at each other. We are doing things for each other that we haven't done before or haven't done in a long time. I want to do everything possible to continue that trend. I am hoping you will do something to help me with that. There are some things that are very important to me that I have had a hard time communicating to you. They are things that I have been wanting since we were married and gone about communicating it to you in destructive ways. I have belittled you, become uninterested in sex, nagged, etc. Being sexual outside of actually having sex is very important to me. By that, I mean fondle my breasts, nibble my ears, slap my butt, grab my butt, long slow kisses, hold my face in your hands when you kiss me, pull me tight to you when we kiss, eye contact when we are in the bathroom together, compliments, etc. Would it be okay to try to do just one of those things every day? If that isn't okay, please tell me. I am enjoying having sex with you. Doing these other things makes it even more enjoyable. They make it more like making love and less like just sex. I know I have asked you before to do these things and you have said it is okay to remind you. I hope that it is still okay. If there is some other way that you prefer to be reminded or not reminded at all, please tell me.
I'm not going to give h the above note any time soon. We took a shower together last night. We even got in at exactly the same time. He immediately grabbed his bar of soap and washed himself. He washes himself so vigorously that I am afraid of his flailing elbows. I thought about stopping him anyway and washing him myself. I didn't because I felt that it wouldn't matter. There have been many times that he joins me in the shower and he starts to wash himself. Even if I am almost done at the time, I still wash him--all over. I have to ask him to wash my back. He won't do it unless I ask. If he washes any other parts of me, it is done very half-hearted and skips the sexy parts. We used to take sexy showers together. Now when I ask him about it, he says he's too tired. It has been months since I last asked him. When I asked him last night, he gave me his usual response--"I'm too tired." He said, "Don't make such a big deal out of it." I said, "I don't understand what being too tired has to do with it. If you don't want to have sex afterwards, we don't have to. But if you do, that is fine, too."
Is he avoiding arousal when he says he is too tired to wash each other? Is that also why he doesn't do the things I said in the note I wanted to send? Is there any way around that if it is what is holding him back? Can he learn to touch intimately without worrying about becoming aroused when he doesn't want to have sex? Does arousal have to mean he has to have sex?
I would be thrilled if my H even came into the bathroom when I was taking a shower, let alone get in there with me - LOL
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I have read about your sit, Heywyre and understand why you would be thrilled. But that doesn't answer my question about what might be going through my h's head. I am just trying to understand his point of view.
