I e-mailed H to ask him if he sent me the e-card. I included a link to the one I found at bluemountain and told him how sweet I thought he was for sending it. When we were both home from work tonight, he showed me the flowers he bought me. He said he hadn't sent the e-card and it made him feel guilty.
I guess the card was spam or phish. Oh well, it got me some more flowers.
H initiated sex this weekend. That is the first time in a long time that he has initiated. He also tried something new from my list that I wrote for him. These are some really positive things. I am trying hard to focus on those, but it still bothers me a lot that there isn't any sexuality outside of having sex. I hope that when he gets his confidence back in the bedroom, he will take some of that outside the bedroom.
I talked to my DB coach last week. She suggested that I not talk to h about his lack of flirting. She wants me to read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I've read some already, but haven't gotten to the part that tells how to change things without talking about it. It must be something like DBing.
I know--that darned P word. I'm trying. I think I'm having a harder time with it today because I am very tired. I usually only work Monday and Wednesday evenings, 4 1/2 hours each, and either all day Saturday or four hours Sunday afternoon. I worked three hours yesterday morning, and my usual evening shift. Then I worked again this morning. I'll do another double shift tomorrow and a few hours Thursday morning. I'm putting in extra hours because I won't be working much, if at all, next week. I am a Page at a library and we are closed this Sunday (would have been my day to work) and Monday. I am having bunion surgery Tuesday morning. I don't know how long I will be unable to work. I'm hoping I can work Saturday. If I do will have to do sit-down work. There's plenty of that. Anyway, I'm not used to so many hours. I'm worn out. Maybe I can catch a quick nap before D is home from school. She gets out early the next few days because they are having finals.
I've had to do this with my H and was curious if you've tried it...TELL him some specific things you'd like for him to do outside of the bedroom, things that would make you feel good sexually.
I did this with my H, I would tell him that I LIKED it when he would walk up behind me and cup a breast, or grab my butt, or kiss me...something like that, that it made me feel SPECIAL to him. That is was something that helped make me feel set apart from other people in his life.
I remembered one time in our MC's office quite some time back we were talking about kissing. He told me "I do kiss you", my response back was "the kisses you give me I could receive from my friends as a greeting (you know that quick peck hello/goodbye), or my parents. There's no lingering hug, no lingering lip time, no special squeezes, nothing but a quick peck." It helped him to understand what I needed to feel special by him.
I would tell him that I LIKED it when he would walk up behind me and cup a breast, or grab my butt, or kiss me
I've told my h that exact thing many times. That's what led (a few years ago) to me getting fed up and being unresponsive to him when he would initiate. He probably remembers it as complaining and is probably right. One of my notes in his lunch recently said that I liked it when he put his cold hands on my neck. I liked that he was playful. Still, there hasn't been anything like that since then. I'm trying to be more gentle and direct without nagging. It's hard.
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the kisses you give me I could receive from my friends as a greeting (you know that quick peck hello/goodbye)
That is the only kind of kiss I get outside the bedroom, too. I do get a lingering hug, though. He told me once a long time ago that French Kissing outside of making love is disgusting to him. I don't know if he still feels that way or not.
A special kiss between a H/W doesn't necessarily have to be a french kiss. My H is getting better about this, it's just not a quick peck. Now I don't feel like I've got a pair of lips coming at me at light-speed that I might miss....he's softened up his lips when he kisses me and doesn't rush it, just takes it slower and draws me in at the waist to get me closer. It's much different than before....I still rarely get french kisses, I don't think my H is fond of them either, even though he's quite good at them. Maybe you could show your H something along the lines of what I just explained my H does for me now.
Out of curiosity...do you playfully walk up behind your H and slap him on the butt, or maybe graze your hand against his crotch when no one is looking? I've found, in my sitch, that my modeling the behavior I'd like to see from him has helped. The hard part was modeling it and not letting his not reciprocating the behavior get to me....it took him quite some time to trust that I really wanted that from him.
it's just not a quick peck. Now I don't feel like I've got a pair of lips coming at me at light-speed that I might miss
You just made me realize that my h has been kissing me like that lately. He sometimes does those "light speed" pecks. But I grab his head gently and make him kiss me again. The second one is slower and a little longer. For the most part, his kisses are a lot slower than they used to be and the hugs are harder and longer.
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do you playfully walk up behind your H and slap him on the butt, or maybe graze your hand against his crotch when no one is looking?
Yes, I do those things. I used to do it a lot more, but got tired of it because he didn't reciprocate. He told me that he thought it was cute, but it didn't turn him on. It made me feel like I shouldn't bother. I need to start doing it more often again. Not letting it bother me when he doesn't reciprocate will be hard for me, too. Does your h reciprocate now?
Ok good...so you just needed someone to help you realize he has made some changes in his kissing...that's good.
As far as does my H reciprocate now...yes he does. It took him a long time to get to that point but he does now. A large part of it for my H was that because my doing it to him didn't necessarily "turn him on" it was hard for him to get that I really liked it. I think eventually he just started doing it to see how I really would respond and when it was favorable he continued. One thing I would like to say about that though is that when he would do something....I'd say something like "I like that!" But wouldn't go overboard....or later in the evening I'd make a comment like "I liked it when you grabbed my butt...that was cool!" So I made sure to validate his effort, without overdoing it.
I know what you mean about not going overboard. I have been making sure I let him know that I notice the little things he does. I either tell him in person, in an e-mail or in his lunch box notes. I try to keep it simple, but still worry that is too much sometimes. He tells me often that he likes my notes, so at least I am sure that isn't going overboard.
It is so good to know that someone else has gone through this and has overcome it. You've been here a long time. I've read some of your posts, but I can't remember if I found your thread and read some of it or not. I've read parts of so many. Are there things you and your h are still working on?
