Thanks Ellie. Good point about the timing - I am pretty aware of the rest of my mistakes but hadn't thought about that one. You're right, not a good time for these things!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nikki, I have those "blow out" sessions. I try to control it but that does nto work. H does not want to discuss anything. I have now resorted to letter writing when I feel I cannot talk to him in a sensible manner. Probably not a good DB technique but it is better than blowing up at him and I can gather my thoughts in a more logical manner.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
I think it was okay. totally went overboard, and didn't have to go that far saying the same things over in different ways as you said. But it definitely was a 180, and he noticed.
Now if you noticed, he was saying things to defend himself, but because you were able to think of the thursday nights and him calling her only...that was very good....he couldn't say anything back.
So, I agree that it didn't turn out bad. It would be something you would want to do all the time, but if your very passionate about something, show some emotion! I think having that concrete evidence, something more direct, made the convo better. He ended up saying "fine, have it your way" and you really don't want that. My H did that too, and it didn't work. But I think you bringing up the calls and why they are happening makes a difference.
It will be interesting what he does from this point on.
Yes, I agree that if things don't change, you start GALing as you did before.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
bedtime always seemed to be the time I would bring things up. I don't know when else you can? Definitely not when they come home from work. And if you have kids, not at the dinner table.
when else? Guess you need to make that decision yourself. Figure out whens the best time to talk to your H.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Nikki, You're doing great girl! I know it is easy to get down on yourself for how you could do this better, but think about this: 1. You are telling H what you need. 2. Your H is to a point where he is willing to respond to what you ask for (even if not 100% yet). 3. You are learning from your mistakes and making changes based upon this knowledge.
Sounds like a recipie for sucess if I ever heard one.
Keep up the PMA and be a perfect Ho at the party !
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Nikki, while yeah, what you said in the "Discussion" (lol ) may have been a little MUCH at the time, I have the feeling that it was a Good Thing for your R w/H, really. I mean, from what I've gathered, while Piecing involves honesty, it's still a bit tempered & well-thought out. Not so much eggshell-walking but careful. KWIM? What you said (even the cussin') - and how you said it (w/passion) - was like an all-out This is How I Feel, Buddy! kinda thing. You flat-out told H how his current R/interactions w/[that woman] made you FEEL. There is no question about it. This is the Real You. This is Life - sometimes it's loud & ugly, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. . . And I can't help but think that your H can respect the passionate REAL You.
Anyway, just my (admittedly un-Piecing-educated) 2cents.
Hope you enjoy being Ho For A Night. (And Hope H enjoys it as well. You never said if you found anything else interesting at the corset-store. . .)
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
I feel a lot better about the whole thing today. It went WAY overboard (and I NEVER swear like that, still feel like I need some mouthwash.. or what's that gum commercial, Orbit, "got a dirty mouth?"... maybe need to pick up some gum..).
Anyway - I AM glad I finally got it out there and I am fairly sure there is no longer any question how I feel about the interactions with her. (if there IS still a question wow, I will be in shock).
Ourcrisis Interesting idea with the letters. If I find this kind of thing coming up in my head often I may consider doing that. For now I am actually trying to change to where I DO express things rather than say nothing, journal about it, mull it over for a week... but obviously don't want to fly off the handle all the time, either.
ST haha no worries, I can't even imagine doing this all the time! You're right, I really didn't want to get the "fine have it your way" thing. I do hope the logical points I made in the middle of the rest of it sunk in a bit though (i.e. about the timing of the calls).
SuperDad Good points - thank you. haha "perfect ho" cracked me up... is there a way to do that?? Hmmm if I'm really good maybe I'll come home richer... (KIDDING!!)
Oldtimer Wow thank you. I kinda thought you'd be frustrated with me for bringing this up again. Guess I must be doing something right! I am trying to look at it like "This time I said it 'with feeling'" (picture an over-acted play...).
Stillme Discussion? I think that involves letting the other person talk... . But on a serious note yeah, it felt good to be honest and open instead of walking on eggshells. I need to find that balance, but you're right, I think it's good that I FINALLY removed any doubt. There should be no more question in H's mind about what level of "friendship" I am ok with and what I'm not - I really think he was "testing" to see what would/wouldn't upset me and now hopefully it's clear.
haha well lots of interesting stuff at the corset store, but I didn't get anything else. I just recently got all my stuff from that passion party I went to a couple of months ago - haven't even gotten to try out all that stuff yet so I figure I'll do that before buying more!
------------------------------- Yesterday was pretty crazy but cool. I had the weirdest ever drive home from work. Always happens when you're in a hurry right? It took me an hour to drive the 7 miles! But all of this happened: a guy's tire blew out and flew off the rim right next to me (you tend to REALLY notice tires flying up in the air when you're in an open convertible), grass fire, and a 3-car accident all in the first 3-4 miles. Sheesh!! Then H called and asked me to stop for crackers - which I did, and got hit on by a guy working at the convenience store - who, I kid you not, was dressed as a woman. I'm talking long hair, earrings, fake nails, but CLEARLY a man - adam's apple, 5 o'clock shadow... the whole thing was kind of surreal but definitely got me laughing and made for a fun story to share with H later!
I finally got home and H had a cooler all packed up. We went to the park and had fun attempting to fly the kite for an hour or two (lost track of time... remember those early dating days when that happened?? love it!!). The wind was really gusty so it was pretty challenging - at one point H said "Man I thought this would be relaxing - launch the kite, tie it to the ice chest, and have a picnic!" We both laughed about that. I complimented him like crazy on his kite-flying expertise and he seemed to really like that. Workin' on boosting his ego the way the whole EA probably did.
We finally gave up on the kite and sat down for our picnic and it was so nice!! H had gotten really good food from the deli and was very proud of everything he'd picked out - "I tried to get the best stuff." Awww. I was really touched and made sure he knew it. So we sat in the park as a "family" (me, H, and the dog) and had our picnic, watched the deer come out at dusk, etc. - wow did all that feel soooo good.
A couple of times the thought popped into my head "Yeah this is nice but it doesn't mean I'm OK with the OW thing" - yuck, why does that happen???? But I pushed it out of my head quickly so that was good.
Today I have to take my poor pup in for round 2 of her tooth pulling/cleaning. Poor girlie! H asked what time she'd be done and said he'll be sure to go with me since he saw how tough it was getting her to stay still last time, so that was very sweet.
I know things are going in a very positive direction - just gotta keep reminding myself of that!
Hope everyone has a good Tuesday.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I think having that concrete evidence, something more direct, made the convo better. He ended up saying "fine, have it your way" and you really don't want that. My H did that too, and it didn't work. But I think you bringing up the calls and why they are happening makes a difference.
) may have been a little MUCH at the time, I have the feeling that it was a Good Thing for your R w/H, really. I mean, from what I've gathered, while Piecing involves honesty, it's still a bit tempered & well-thought out. Not so much eggshell-walking but careful. KWIM? What you said (even the cussin') - and how you said it (w/passion) - was like an all-out This is How I Feel, Buddy! kinda thing. You flat-out told H how his current R/interactions w/[that woman] made you FEEL. There is no question about it. This is the Real You. This is Life - sometimes it's loud & ugly, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. . . And I can't help but think that your H can respect the passionate REAL You.
You never said if you found anything else interesting at the corset-store. . .)