NikkiB #15 (moving to Piecing)

[NikB]

Thanks for checking in ST!

I like that wording, too. I think I like "continue" because it acknowledges all the OTHER positive steps H has been taking, but yeah, at some point this will be a critical issue if we're going to keep moving forward.

I haven't really addressed the OW/PW thing again. I need to but frankly I'm just tired of it and decided to give myself a break. I know the contact continues (not sure of the extent but I know there's still some), and I'm not ready to do anything yet. Sooo trying to ignore it for now but I know it's impacting how I'm acting around H.

I originally had a bunch of plans this weekend so I'd be pretty busy - kind of back to GALing and focusing on me. But they ALL fell through, so I've spent a lot of time with him. Most of it's been good but three different times yesterday I got hit with really bad memories of time spent with OW/PW last year and I know I was completely grumpy by last night. I found some new plans for today to get out on my own for awhile so I think that'll be a big help!

It's frustrating because I see him trying so hard 95% of the time but it's that 5% (the contact w/her) that I'm allowing to impact me too much. Yesterday he invited me to the hobby shop with him, told me really excitedly about all the stuff he was working on in the garage, asked about my day... all good stuff. We went to the races together last night and our mutual friend did great, lots of fun!!

But then... I'll flash back to the race we went to with OW/PW last year and just want to cry. Or H will mention "Hey remember when we went to XYZ" and I'm racking my brain thinking "How could I not remember doing that together?" Then he'll quietly realize "Ohhhh wait that was with OW/PW." It's so weird because he'll apologize for stuff that happened last year, but then he continues talking to her or seeing her at happy hour and acts like it's a whole different thing. I realize the contact is a LOT less (1-2 short phone calls a week at most), but it's almost like he cut off contact for a month and now thinks he's got a clean slate. Like all of the crap last year was inappropriate, but now he can somehow "start over" having an appropriate "friendship" with her. Bleh.

I DO think he's back to appropriate boundaries with her and what COULD have been a friendship that was OK with me IF 2006 never happened. I guess somehow I need to get the point across that in my mind it's too late to have an appropriate friendship with her. Sorry babe, I'm just not THAT stupid. And like Ellie said earlier - even if I AM being irrational about it, too bad, if he wants to work on our M, cutting off non-work contact w/her is a must at some point.

Anyway sorry, just rambling and doing some venting!!

Now off to go do something FUN and get my mind off it for now.

[NikB]

I just realized how negative most of my last post was - so wanted to journal some positives too since there are lots of them!!

- Friday night I was kind of restless - plans fell through, was still irritated about Thursday night's happy hour, etc. So I started looking up movie listings and figured I'd go either with H or by myself. H was working on car stuff and came in and said "I was thinking about going to a movie, what do you think?" I said "I was just looking up times! How funny." Then H said "I was thinking Shrek3 but maybe a late showing so it's less crowded." Completely funny, he practically read my mind. So that was kinda cool.

- Also Friday... H had mentioned a couple weeks ago wanting to go back to this really good hamburger place. I suggested it for dinner before the movie and he was all excited that I had even remembered what he said. Very sweet.

- Saturday as I mentioned he included me in a lot of stuff, and he also thanked me profusely for every little thing I did (seriously, you'd think no one's ever done dishes as wonderfully as I did yesterday ).

- Last night went out and watched a friend race. She's not a great driver but getting much better, and she is such an excited and enthusiastic person it's nearly impossible NOT to join her up on Cloud 9 after a race. So that was lots of fun.

Ok.. done rambling and off to have fun as I mentioned, just didn't want this to all be so negative!!

Hope everyone's having a good weekend.

[inspiredjulie]

Hi Nikki...

Just wanted to stop by. I do try to stop in every once in a while and see how you're doing and I'm glad you're doing so well. My point is that even if I'm not posting much, I am thinking about you and happy for you. Take care.

Julie

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hey, remember when my H cut off contact, and it probably lasted a month too! I didn't even think they were talking until I checked his phone. ya, couldn't help it. I think sometimes it's okay...I mean when they decide to commit, and then going behind your back, well something needs to be addressed.

anyways, I really believe that your H will eventually cut all contact, but it's going to be a lot harder for your H than it was for mine. All mine had to do was not txt back. Your H sees her every day. I'm sure it was her trying to talk to him again and trying to make him realize that she wouldn't do anything either, and that they're just friends and what's the big deal...so he's trying to justify it in his mind too. But he can't, and your right, it is too late, too bad.

welp, gonna read your more positive post now.

[NikB]

Aw thanks Julie!! I follow your thread, too. I really admire how you deal with everything! (speaking of which.. think you're locked up girl). I still vote we all make that house in SD an annual trip...

The rest of this is all just some random journaling...

Had a really nice day today and boy did I need it. I was really getting caught up in a negative cycle, yuck! So today I jumped in the car to go "run some errands" - had some fun and some "chore" errands to do. Cranked up the music... but I kept thinking about H and OW/PW and just getting myself more and more upset. I need to figure out how I FINALLY flipped the switch in my head, but I did, and had so much fun the rest of the day.

I ran about half the "need to do" errands and some of the fun ones and was still just caught up in this funky cycle, then decided to really be crazy. So... background is H and I are invited to a "Pimp and Ho" theme party next weekend. Putting aside the theme for a minute (cause I do think it's kinda yuck) I decided to just have FUN with it. I've been fishing through my closet for stuff and finding nothing - H and I have been joking "Well it's probably good not to have a closet full of 'ho' clothes" - of course you KNOW I am thinking in the back of my head "Yeah unlike OW!" Anyway I stopped at a couple costume stores and didn't like anything, then finally went into this lingerie/"adult toy" store and picked out one of the only tops I might wear in public. I thought "naaah... but well.. maayyybe..." so I tried it on. It's this suede corset thing that laces up the front and back - got it all laced up and looked in the mirror and dang!!! I liked it. Oh and the one that was my size also had a broken leather lace-up piece, so it was half off - and I can easily replace the broken part for probably under $1. nice!!

So I got that, and will wear it with some cut-off jeans and fishnet tights. It would actually look cute (in a good way) with a black skirt, but thought the jeans and fishnets fit the party theme better.. . I am of course now going "OMG I will never wear this in public!" but I modeled it for H and his jaw dropped, after which he said "Oh YEAH you will wear it!!!" Pretty cool.

There's a slight chance OW/PW will show up at this party too.. yuck, but it's kinda fun to think I will be lookin' sooo much better. And probably get attention for it since it's out of character for me.

I was excited to finally get my PMA back today and need to work on keeping it, now - and figuring out how I flipped that switch, for future reference.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

your positive post sounds great! keep focusing on that. When your thinking about the bad stuff, just do something to distract you. Don't focus on thinking less about it, or getting mad that your thinking about it, that will make you focus on it more...just distract yourself instead.

When he's not involved socially with her anymore, this will go away.

[NikB]

ST think we cross-posted - thanks for stopping in. And good point! I did just that this afternoon and I think you're right.. once I was DISTRACTED instead of forcing the "stop thinking about it," I felt much better.

Ahh I dream of THAT day when he's no longer socially involved at all...

[ourcrisis]

Nikki, just want to say that your "negative post" describes a lot of my feelings towards my h's contact with OW (his is PA back to EA, and we plan to move this summer, so his excuse is even this limited contact will not last much longer, so "I should just not push"). Anyway, just want to say I have the same feelings about how now it is too late to even just have a normal "acquaintance" type of friendship because of "2006". These h, for some reason, thinks time can just roll back and act if nothing has happened.

Just want to acknowledge your feelings. And it is helping me to know someone else is feeling the same.

[NikB]

Ourcrisis - thank you! You're absolutely right, it helps knowing we're not alone.

So... it's confession time. I finally talked about the OW/PW issue again and I'm not proud of how I did it. I guess I didn't learn my lesson last time. I thought I was giving myself a mental "break" from the issue by not bringing it up but really, I was letting it build to the point of exploding, which it did last night. Reminder to self: address things when they happen, don't let it fester!!

Although in good news, I think it's ok. In fact I admire my H more than ever for HOW he handled my tirade. Not trying to justify how I approached this but in hindsight, me HAVING a tirade instead of bottling things up is sort of a 180, I guess. I need to find a happy-medium, but I do kind of wonder if it helped emphasize to H just how important it is to me - maybe moreso than my logical "telling" him "XYZ hurts me" - he really SAW how angry and hurt it makes me.

Long post warning... partly to fess up, partly to journal, and partly as a reminder to myself in the future.
--------------------------------

So first some good journaling - after I went out most of the day I was feeling MUCH better last night and more relaxed, just all-around better mood (yay!). H and I were having a really nice night making our traditional "Sunday steak dinner" and watching movies. At one point I was working on dinner and H made it a point to come out in the kitchen and tell me "I really missed this. This is one of my favorite things." I said "Me too - and thanks for telling me that. I'm glad you like it so much too." Very sweet, kind, loving conversation... more of him making a really big effort, too, which meant a lot to me.

Later H alluded to the time we were separated again, and for some reason it prompted me to ask "So you're glad you're back?" (wish I could remember the context, thinking about it now what a weird question to ask, but it made sense at the time). He said "yeah I'm very glad." I said "Me too." We have talked SO little about him being gone and coming back that even though this was short, it meant a lot to me. I get these nagging doubts that he came home because of money, familiarity, fear of not finding anything better, settling, etc. so hearing him genuinely say he was glad he came back was very nice.

I also got a couple of ILYs last night. H hasn't initiated saying ILY much but on a whim a few weeks back I said it when I felt it, and he did say it back in a very sweet tone, didn't sound "obligatory." So now I do say it if the mood hits me (never "obligatory" on a call or anything though). He seems to like it, and usually says it back - often with a hug or hand squeeze. Last night it was during the movie and he pulled me over to snuggle up with him on the couch. Very nice!!

... and then, the bad.

Shortly before bed we were talking about the upcoming party and I asked what the odds were that OW/PW would be there. He said he wasn't sure but probably not. Then, I just flipped. I can't even believe the stuff that came out of my mouth. I don't even remember all of it and most of it was repetition of the same few things just phrased different ways anyway. The gist of it was "I hate that f'ing woman and what she does to peoples lives, I can't stand her, she's a disgusting whore who gets off on ruining people's families and making women feel like s**t..." and it went on and on. Seriously NOT like me, I honestly don't know where this rage against her came from because I haven't felt much of that towards her in a long time (usually it's more pity than rage).

... and then without so much as a pause... "I can't believe you still hang out with that b**ch after what she did to you and almost did to us, and after how rude and disrespectful she was to me. How can you be friends with someone who treated me like that? I'd never hang out with someone that treated you the way she treated me, it's disgusting. And yet you go out to happy hour with her, talk to her on the phone... "

I went on, and on... probably 2-3 minutes but it felt like an hour. I didn't even shut up long enough for H to get a word in edgewise. (no, I'm not proud of this at all). When I finally stopped for a minute:

H: But she's just a friend.

OMG.. I thought I was going to scream.

Me: That's bull***t and you know it. If you have to justify a friendship then there's SOMETHING WRONG. Do you think I'm stupid? All of this STARTED as just a friendship. So now you're starting again? How long before you're convinced again that you're miserable with me and moving out? And besides you already TOLD me it went too far. You don't get to start over being friends now.

H: I barely even talk to her. I only see her at the happy hour thing because it's a group.

Me: There's no reason to see her outside of work AT ALL.

H: I don't go to lunch with her anymore, don't plan to do things with her, don't really talk to her...

Me: STOP lying to me. I saw your phone bill. You talked to her for 20 minutes last Saturday. Why?

(H looked like he was fumbling and about to make excuses or tell me that I was wrong and he didn't talk to her)

Me: Nevermind, it doesn't even matter. It's disgusting, it makes me sick that you care more about being so called friends with that b**ch than you do about building a marriage with me. I don't even care if you like spending time with her, she was rude and nasty to me, I hate her, and I will not have her back in our lives. AT ALL.

H: I know you hate her but I'm not going to stop going out with friends from work just because she's there. And besides there were 5 of us. I thought before you were mad because it was only 3 of us but last week there were 5.

(...and this would be where I get fuzzy on my "boundary" because while I'd prefer he not go at all, reality is there are functions that they'll both be at due to them working together. But I don't want to turn this into "how many people were there" because it just seems stupid! Makes no sense "it's ok if there are 5 but 3 is too few" - it just doesn't. THEN I realized and brought up the next point...)

Me: But you're going BECAUSE she's there. You don't call ANY of your other friends to see who's going and who isn't. Look at your phone bill. You call her every Thursday on the way to happy hour, HER, no one else.

(H again fumbling)

Me: And seriously, you can't f*ing drink beer with anyone else or anywhere else, you HAVE to go with her, and to the place you two went all last year??

H: It's not "you two," it's not like we went on dates or something.

Me: That's not the point.

H: Fine, I'll stop hanging out with my friends.

Me: That's not the point!! The point is find other people to drink your damn Thursday night beers with.

... this went on and on, round and round in the same argument. Finally it was bedtime and I said "Forget it. I'm done talking about this. I'm not ok with you talking to her on the phone, I'm not ok with you hanging out with her outside of work. I hate her, I'm done dealing with her, done thinking about her, done having her influence MY life."

H seemed pretty taken aback (gee wonder why huh?). He didn't really reply.

(and yes, I realize that out of all this the ONLY part that needed to be said was "I'm not ok with you talking to her on the phone, I'm not ok with you hanging out with her outside of work.").

I got in the shower, he went to bed. When I got into bed he did grab my hand and held it for awhile, which surprised me. I honestly expected him to be PISSED or at least pull away from me for awhile. But today, he called while I was in a meeting and left me a voicemail that said "It's pretty windy today... call me" in a kind of fun and flirty tone. I called back and he said "So I was thinking we should go fly the kite, it's really windy out. I might get off work early, how about I go get us some snacks and stuff and we can go have a picnic and fly the kite?"

Wow...

So... I am NOT proud of what happened, but it doesn't seem to be all bad. Like I said, need to find a happy medium between "happy go lucky nothing bothers me" (while 'stuffing' the emotions) vs. "freaking out yelling screaming banshee" though.

Now I just hope it actually leads to some action on his part... we'll see.

I am not ready to take action in terms of kicking H out, moving, giving up etc. but I AM ready to go back to something more like early DB'ing if this contact doesn't stop. GAL, focus on me, make plans on my own without worrying about H's plans, those kinds of things - and I'm prepared to tell him exactly why, and "Let me know when you've cut off all non-work contact with her so we can get back to rebuilding a great M again."

Whew.

Thanks to anyone who actually read all that!!

[kml]

You did okay, girl. The only real mistakes you already know:
- don't let things build up, speak up about them when they happen
- don't pick bedtime as the time to have these conversations ( I can't EVER think of a "discussion" with my H before bedtime that didn't go awry.

Ellie